6 months out... popping in with an update

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all -

So 6 months ago today was when I was dumped by my ex-fiancee.

Hopefully some of you will remember me, it was only about a month ago I last posted here.

I wanted to give you an update to see how things are looking 6 months on.

1. I think about her a lot less now.  Still numerous times a day, but not dwelling.  Like when the Iron Man 3 film came out, I went to see it.  And it reminded me of when the two of us had been to see Avengers together.  Or I see something in a shop and think "I'd love to have been able to buy that for her".  It doesn't feel like a knife twisting in my stomach anymore though. More just a dull ache.  And then I move on and distract myself with something else.

2. I have no contact with her really.  I had to get in touch the other day over email as I moved out of our shared flat (she moved out when she dumped me, leaving me with all the bills and rent).  I had to tell her that she needed to cancel a bill that was in her name.  She was really "off" with me.  But whatever. I told her I was leaving, I've morally done my bit and if she chooses not to cancel it then they can keep billing HER once I cancel my direct debit (as I was paying for it)

3. I have accepted that there was more to her than met the eye. Now I know this, I understand we could never have worked long term.  I was living the fairytale, a beautiful romance, and I thought it was reality.  For her, I don't think it ever was.  I have accepted that she DID love me with all her heart (I will fight to the death if anyone tells me otherwise) but she couldn't maintain this, as her own fears came first and over-rode this.

4. I have accepted that my life would have been stressful if we were still together now. I'd have probably let a lot of good friends fall by the wayside as she took up all my time.  I would have given up on some things I enjoyed, as they didn't involve her.  With her medical condition (not her fault) and her daily dramas (completely her fault for the most part, due to her dramatising every situation) I would have constantly been anxious.

5. I no longer miss HER, but I miss what I thought we could be.  I will always wonder how it could have been, what our first child we often talked about would have looked like.  I still feel a pang of sadness when I see a little boy of about 2 years old with wavy dark hair and green eyes, as we so often discussed him, and almost dreamed him into life.  I do feel sad about that still.

6. I have tried to rearrange all my life goals.  I never wanted marriage and kids before I met her, she sold me the dream and then snatched it away. I don't think I want that dream anymore.  I want to be independent, not tied down. I am living my OWN life now, and as some of you know, am going to volunteer in Africa this summer (something I have always wanted to do!)

7. I spend more time with friends.  We laugh, have fun, generally have a good time. I don't have to worry if she's being kept occupied, if she's saying something embarrassing (she often liked to tell people about her abusive past, when she'd only just met them!) and I can leave when I want to, I don't have to consider her.

8. I can come home after work and do what I want to - I don't have to think about what we can plan together for that night.  It was kind of exhausting, always having to amuse her.  She hated having nothing to do, and being alone.  If I want to just climb into bed and watch a DVD, I can.

9. I don't have to check in with her (not that she ever asked me to, we just got into the habit).  I can go a whole day at work and spend lunchtimes with my colleagues, chatting, rather than phone her for lunchtime chats (I do miss them though some days)

10. I got into a conversation with somebody who knew somebody else from her past.  Although she wasn't in a romantic relationship with this person (it was a best friend), the story I heard about how they fell out was COMPLETELY different from what I'd heard from her.  Made me realise how distorted her perceptions are, if not outright lies.  I don't want that in my life. I don't want to be with somebody who has enemies, and who has screwed people over re: money and friendship.  I want to be proud of my partner.

11. I still wake up some mornings totally shell shocked, as in, how could this have happened?  How did I have my whole life sorted, felt like it had all fallen into place, and then this? I had SO much faith and innocence in us, I thought that was it for me.  I would have bet my life savings that she was the only one for me until the day I died.  So much confidence and so much faith. I'm more cynical these days.

12. I've started to consider that maybe one day I'll meet somebody else.  Maybe one day I'll fall in love again. I know it'll never ever be the same, it won't be so intense, so trusting, so painfully sweet.  But maybe it'll be more real.  And maybe they'll not just give up on us over something silly.

13. I no longer call her "my sweet girl".  Yes, she was all that.  But that's just the side I got.  I'm lucky I did get it, it was beautiful.  I think in time, I will have such happy memories, when the pain has faded a bit more. 

14. I no longer wake up with anxiety and night sweats.  I sometimes get the feeling that the world isn't right, and life is scary. But I always have done.  Generalized anxiety disorder I think.  But it's not to do with the fear of living without her. I've now lived without her for 6 months and I'm ok. I'm surviving!

15. I have come to accept that we didn't have as much in common as I thought.  She changed who she was to be with me.  I'm not sure she even knows who she is and what she likes.  The person she is now, from what I used to see on facebook before she deleted me, is like a different person.  It unsettles me.  She looks different and likes different things.  I want somebody consistent, somebody who is strong, loyal, secure in themselves. 

In summary - I am ok!  Ups and downs, yes.  But it gets better.  There IS hope.  Life goes on, the sun shines, there is fun to be had.  Yes, you will have your sad days. Your days of wondering "What if... .  ?" and thinking of where you would be right now. But life is out there. Go grab it.  There are many wonderful people, ones who will treat you better and give you what you deserve it.

I can't imagine being with anyone else right now and that's ok.  I'm  a good person, I'm going to be a great catch for somebody in the future.  Somebody who deserves me, and I will deserve them.

And last thing - do what is right for YOU.  I dug my heels in over the fact that so many people on here were telling me to go NC, like it was the only possible route.  It wasn't right for me.  I had to do what was right for MY situation.  And now we've gradually distanced ourselves.  This is your path, listen and hear the advice, but go with your gut instinct. 

You WILL be ok. xxx

[mango_flower]

Hi all -

So 6 months ago today was when I was dumped by my ex-fiancee.

Hopefully some of you will remember me, it was only about a month ago I last posted here.

I wanted to give you an update to see how things are looking 6 months on.

1. I think about her a lot less now.  Still numerous times a day, but not dwelling.  Like when the Iron Man 3 film came out, I went to see it.  And it reminded me of when the two of us had been to see Avengers together.  Or I see something in a shop and think "I'd love to have been able to buy that for her".  It doesn't feel like a knife twisting in my stomach anymore though. More just a dull ache.  And then I move on and distract myself with something else.

2. I have no contact with her really.  I had to get in touch the other day over email as I moved out of our shared flat (she moved out when she dumped me, leaving me with all the bills and rent).  I had to tell her that she needed to cancel a bill that was in her name.  She was really "off" with me.  But whatever. I told her I was leaving, I've morally done my bit and if she chooses not to cancel it then they can keep billing HER once I cancel my direct debit (as I was paying for it)

3. I have accepted that there was more to her than met the eye. Now I know this, I understand we could never have worked long term.  I was living the fairytale, a beautiful romance, and I thought it was reality.  For her, I don't think it ever was.  I have accepted that she DID love me with all her heart (I will fight to the death if anyone tells me otherwise) but she couldn't maintain this, as her own fears came first and over-rode this.

4. I have accepted that my life would have been stressful if we were still together now. I'd have probably let a lot of good friends fall by the wayside as she took up all my time.  I would have given up on some things I enjoyed, as they didn't involve her.  With her medical condition (not her fault) and her daily dramas (completely her fault for the most part, due to her dramatising every situation) I would have constantly been anxious.

5. I no longer miss HER, but I miss what I thought we could be.  I will always wonder how it could have been, what our first child we often talked about would have looked like.  I still feel a pang of sadness when I see a little boy of about 2 years old with wavy dark hair and green eyes, as we so often discussed him, and almost dreamed him into life.  I do feel sad about that still.

6. I have tried to rearrange all my life goals.  I never wanted marriage and kids before I met her, she sold me the dream and then snatched it away. I don't think I want that dream anymore.  I want to be independent, not tied down. I am living my OWN life now, and as some of you know, am going to volunteer in Africa this summer (something I have always wanted to do!)

7. I spend more time with friends.  We laugh, have fun, generally have a good time. I don't have to worry if she's being kept occupied, if she's saying something embarrassing (she often liked to tell people about her abusive past, when she'd only just met them!) and I can leave when I want to, I don't have to consider her.

8. I can come home after work and do what I want to - I don't have to think about what we can plan together for that night.  It was kind of exhausting, always having to amuse her.  She hated having nothing to do, and being alone.  If I want to just climb into bed and watch a DVD, I can.

9. I don't have to check in with her (not that she ever asked me to, we just got into the habit).  I can go a whole day at work and spend lunchtimes with my colleagues, chatting, rather than phone her for lunchtime chats (I do miss them though some days)

10. I got into a conversation with somebody who knew somebody else from her past.  Although she wasn't in a romantic relationship with this person (it was a best friend), the story I heard about how they fell out was COMPLETELY different from what I'd heard from her.  Made me realise how distorted her perceptions are, if not outright lies.  I don't want that in my life. I don't want to be with somebody who has enemies, and who has screwed people over re: money and friendship.  I want to be proud of my partner.

11. I still wake up some mornings totally shell shocked, as in, how could this have happened?  How did I have my whole life sorted, felt like it had all fallen into place, and then this? I had SO much faith and innocence in us, I thought that was it for me.  I would have bet my life savings that she was the only one for me until the day I died.  So much confidence and so much faith. I'm more cynical these days.

12. I've started to consider that maybe one day I'll meet somebody else.  Maybe one day I'll fall in love again. I know it'll never ever be the same, it won't be so intense, so trusting, so painfully sweet.  But maybe it'll be more real.  And maybe they'll not just give up on us over something silly.

13. I no longer call her "my sweet girl".  Yes, she was all that.  But that's just the side I got.  I'm lucky I did get it, it was beautiful.  I think in time, I will have such happy memories, when the pain has faded a bit more. 

14. I no longer wake up with anxiety and night sweats.  I sometimes get the feeling that the world isn't right, and life is scary. But I always have done.  Generalized anxiety disorder I think.  But it's not to do with the fear of living without her. I've now lived without her for 6 months and I'm ok. I'm surviving!

15. I have come to accept that we didn't have as much in common as I thought.  She changed who she was to be with me.  I'm not sure she even knows who she is and what she likes.  The person she is now, from what I used to see on facebook before she deleted me, is like a different person.  It unsettles me.  She looks different and likes different things.  I want somebody consistent, somebody who is strong, loyal, secure in themselves. 

In summary - I am ok!  Ups and downs, yes.  But it gets better.  There IS hope.  Life goes on, the sun shines, there is fun to be had.  Yes, you will have your sad days. Your days of wondering "What if... .  ?" and thinking of where you would be right now. But life is out there. Go grab it.  There are many wonderful people, ones who will treat you better and give you what you deserve it.

I can't imagine being with anyone else right now and that's ok.  I'm  a good person, I'm going to be a great catch for somebody in the future.  Somebody who deserves me, and I will deserve them.

And last thing - do what is right for YOU.  I dug my heels in over the fact that so many people on here were telling me to go NC, like it was the only possible route.  It wasn't right for me.  I had to do what was right for MY situation.  And now we've gradually distanced ourselves.  This is your path, listen and hear the advice, but go with your gut instinct. 

You WILL be ok. xxx

[Surnia]

Wow, mango_flower! and

What a great summary and progress! Its good to have these kind of success stories on Leaving too.

I am happy with you and I wish you all the best for your plans in summer as a volunteer!

[mango_flower]

Thanks Surnia

If any of you have any questions, please feel free to ask and I'll do my best to answer honestly! (not that I'm any sort of wise guru or anything!) 

[LoveNotWar]

Mango_flower,

It sounds like time and distance brought you some clarity. Thanks for sharing, it gives us all hope!

[Changed4safety]

Mango_flower, thank you, thank you. 

I am starting to see glimpses of what you are experiencing, and my heart is happy to know that someday I WILL  be where you are.  I too chose not to go NC, and it's made it harder in some ways, but I feel it is truer to who I am. 

[Clearmind]

Great stuff mango - well done!