do you just come out and ask?

[byfaith]

My uBPDw left for a few days to get away a month 1/2 ago after a trigger. She was going to visit her mom but she stayed with a friend the first night. They went somewhere together and stayed out until 3:00 am (at her friends boy friends house)

BPD traits are impulsive correct? The thought is in my mind that maybe she did something inappropriate (cheat) , I've not voiced that feeling but it's eating me up thinking about it. It was just uncharacteristic for my wife to stay out that late.

Would a pwBPD try to hide the behavior or would they just come out an tell you for spite? This is kind of sad but being with my uBPDw I have learned to become more suspicious. She didn't wear her wedding rings when she left and she hasn't worn them since. She says her fingers are swollen but they don't look any different to me. If I took my ring off and set it on the night stand, the crap would hit the fan.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[IwentWithMyInstincts]

DRB:

I've learned as a female to listen to my inner voice. If you think she's cheating, you may be right on the money and I KNOW that hurts to read, but the chances are high she may be.

If you CHOOSE to outright ASK her? You better be prepared for her response. And trust me... . it won't be pretty.

She will probably begin to rage and seriously? Do you want to deal with the backlash from that?

My advice (for all it's worth) is to just leave the subject of possible infidelity ALONE. Period. If you bring it up you'll be hit hard... .

Ms M.

[LosingIt2]

The other problem is if you do ask, without any hard evidence confirming your suspicion, she will most likely lie and twist truths. In other words, even if she is she will not be honest and will make you feel worse, i.e. Questioning/doubting yourself.

This is really a caveat of what to prepare for. If you do approach her you will probably come from it feeling just as confused. I don't know if your wife is the silent and cold type or the raging type, what I've described is my experience with the silent type.

The fact that she is displaying odd behaviors makes it sound like she is on her way to dysregulation and she will begin putting you in difficult situations. It might become a lose lose situation for you. Maybe you should take a step back and think about your own expectations and boundaries before it gets out of hand? Try to remain level headed and do not forget who you are dealing with.

[byfaith]

thank you for the replies... . I guess on my end I need to deal with how I feel about the situation and decide how I will feel every time this kind of situation may arise. So I am married to someone that I should accept that she may or may not have cheated on me without ever bringing the subject up. That is spiritually, emotionally and physically hard. My uBPDw doesn't rage but she gets hateful, calls me names, its like the whole countenance of her face changes like there is some evil present.

[sm15000]

Would a pwBPD try to hide the behavior or would they just come out an tell you for spite?

Well, my ex denied, denied, denied and things got severely worse for both of us, I'm sorry to say - especially as I hadn't ever thought of a PD until quite a way through it.

He made sure he put me to rights over it. . .as he said "unless I had found him with his dick in someone, I had a cheek accusing him"  

So I am married to someone that I should accept that she may or may not have cheated on me without ever bringing the subject up. That is spiritually, emotionally and physically hard

I completely understand that   it is so, so hard. . .the fact that you cannot ever acknowledge your worries or even discuss a situation in an adult way.  Perhaps the only thing you can do is be aware of her behaviour. . .and if there are multiple things try to lay the boundary (in some kind way   that you will not accept infidelity (if you won't?). . .the thing is if any real evidence comes to light you'll have to follow through. . .is this something you could do?

[briefcase]

There are times, and issues, that demand some conversation - if only for your own peace of mind that you said something.  Her response may not be very satisfying to you though.  If she did cheat, she will likely lie and say she didn't.  If she didn't cheat, you may wonder if she's lying.  If she did cheat, and owns up to it - what will you do?  This sounds like it may be a deal breaker. 

Infidelity is a hard issue - BPD or not.

This sounds like its eating you from the inside out.  Do you work with a therapist for yourself?  If not, you should consider it.  My T was like a valued advisor on things like this - someone I could talk to openly and who helped me strategize.  It may be worthwhile to go this route and get some solid professional advice. 

[whatisthetruth]

make sure the therapist has familiarity with pw BPD

unless they have alot of familiarity - there is no point to seeing them

[whatisthetruth]

from experience - if you ask - u r the evil one, regardless of how damning the evidence or behavior looks

do not go there; just witness and pray for your own healing... . truly

i am definitely a person of faith - and in a prayer it came to me to be silent, watch her actions, give less credence to her words - but believe who she is by her acts

bc pw BPD will say / do whatever they have to - to prevent you from leaving until if/when they are ready to be done

someone mentioned taking these as signals of dysregulation... . i agree with that - the more you can catch on that she is in a down cycle - the more tools u have to manage your own heart/mind without being sucked into the vortex of blame, shame, pain.