Shall I settle down in NY or Denmark?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hallo out there.

I FEEL I NEED TO SPEAK TO SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS THESE FEELINGS... . I HAVE DIFFICULT DECISION TO MAKE... . SHALL I SETTLE DOWN IN NY OR DENMARK.

I am from Denmark and have a relationship in NY with an American guy.  I met him for 1½ year ago. I left my marriage (20 years) because of him. I felt so attracted to him. A feeling I never had before in my life.  I have 2 daughters 18+22 living in Denmark.

We have had long distance relationship. Me in Denmark 2 month, then back again here in NY 2½ month, living with him in 1 studio apartment.  Back and forth.

We just went camping this weekend.  First I feel good with my loving very physical touching boyfriend. In the morning we go for a nice cozy walk along the beach also talking sometimes. Anyway then it is nice to drink beer we all know that b ut he starts 11 am and continuing all day 9-10 beers while we are relaxing on the beach. I don'''t want to drink but he continue with himself having fun with himself not really with me.

He is pain in the ass when we start playing beach ping pong just just teasing me laughing about me, etc. I dont want to play with him.

Later he feels so tired just into himself... . We go out for eating... . I would like to share the drinking now he don't drink... . not really that cozy I think... . Back to tent and he just fall alseep

Next day a nice fishing tour on the sea... . I take tablets so I don't get seasick... . He starts again drinking many beers while fishing not really fun for me... . only for him.

Later we sit on a bar and hear reggae music... . AND HERE IT COMES... . HE SUDDENLY GETS THIS MACHO LOOK WITH HIS SUNGLASSES AND NOT LOOKING AT ME BUT BESIDES INTO THE WINDOW BEHIND US WHERE THERE SIT ANOTHER WOMAN WITH SUNGLASSES AND I FEEL THEY STARRING AT EACH OTHER . THIS GIVES ME THIS INSECURE FEELING INSIDE ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. I FEEL THERE IS A KIND OF SEXUAL ATTRACTION GOING ON... . HE EVEN LIFTED HIS EYEBROW TO HER... . I CHANGE SEATS WITH HIM AND I FEEL NOW HE CANT LOOK AT HER BUT THEN HE TURNS BACK LOOKING AGAIN BEHIND HIM AND THEN LOOKING BACK DOWN IN TABLE SO I SHOULDN'T SEE IT OR WHAT.  I GET HE IS FLIRTING OR GETTING SEXUAL ATTENTION OR?

I HAVE HAD THIS WITH HIM 4 TIMES NOW AND IT MAKES ME VERY UPSET.

NOW IN MY LIFE HERE I FEEL I SPENT SO MUCH ENERGI AND TIME ON THIS RELATIONSHIP... . I EVEN CANT FOCUS ON MY OWN JOB AND PROBLEMS HERE... . I HAVE RENTET AN APARTMENT FROM JUNE 29-AUG 8... . BECAUSE MY 2 DAUGHTERS WILL ARRIVE FOR VISIT... . EVERYTHING IS UP IN THE AIR FOR ME NOW... .

I KNOW THIS MAN CAN BE VERY LOVING AND NICE AND GOOD BUT THEN IT CHANGE AND CONVERSATION SHUT UP AND I FEEL LUCKED OUT EVEN WHEN HE SPEAKS IN PHONE WITH HIS FRIENDS WHILE I AM JUST BESITE HIM (WHICH IS A SMALL AMOUNT OF FRIENDS)

[mutmut]

Hallo out there.

I FEEL I NEED TO SPEAK TO SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS THESE FEELINGS... . I HAVE DIFFICULT DECISION TO MAKE... . SHALL I SETTLE DOWN IN NY OR DENMARK.

I am from Denmark and have a relationship in NY with an American guy.  I met him for 1½ year ago. I left my marriage (20 years) because of him. I felt so attracted to him. A feeling I never had before in my life.  I have 2 daughters 18+22 living in Denmark.

We have had long distance relationship. Me in Denmark 2 month, then back again here in NY 2½ month, living with him in 1 studio apartment.  Back and forth.

We just went camping this weekend.  First I feel good with my loving very physical touching boyfriend. In the morning we go for a nice cozy walk along the beach also talking sometimes. Anyway then it is nice to drink beer we all know that b ut he starts 11 am and continuing all day 9-10 beers while we are relaxing on the beach. I don'''t want to drink but he continue with himself having fun with himself not really with me.

He is pain in the ass when we start playing beach ping pong just just teasing me laughing about me, etc. I dont want to play with him.

Later he feels so tired just into himself... . We go out for eating... . I would like to share the drinking now he don't drink... . not really that cozy I think... . Back to tent and he just fall alseep

Next day a nice fishing tour on the sea... . I take tablets so I don't get seasick... . He starts again drinking many beers while fishing not really fun for me... . only for him.

Later we sit on a bar and hear reggae music... . AND HERE IT COMES... . HE SUDDENLY GETS THIS MACHO LOOK WITH HIS SUNGLASSES AND NOT LOOKING AT ME BUT BESIDES INTO THE WINDOW BEHIND US WHERE THERE SIT ANOTHER WOMAN WITH SUNGLASSES AND I FEEL THEY STARRING AT EACH OTHER . THIS GIVES ME THIS INSECURE FEELING INSIDE ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. I FEEL THERE IS A KIND OF SEXUAL ATTRACTION GOING ON... . HE EVEN LIFTED HIS EYEBROW TO HER... . I CHANGE SEATS WITH HIM AND I FEEL NOW HE CANT LOOK AT HER BUT THEN HE TURNS BACK LOOKING AGAIN BEHIND HIM AND THEN LOOKING BACK DOWN IN TABLE SO I SHOULDN'T SEE IT OR WHAT.  I GET HE IS FLIRTING OR GETTING SEXUAL ATTENTION OR?

I HAVE HAD THIS WITH HIM 4 TIMES NOW AND IT MAKES ME VERY UPSET.

NOW IN MY LIFE HERE I FEEL I SPENT SO MUCH ENERGI AND TIME ON THIS RELATIONSHIP... . I EVEN CANT FOCUS ON MY OWN JOB AND PROBLEMS HERE... . I HAVE RENTET AN APARTMENT FROM JUNE 29-AUG 8... . BECAUSE MY 2 DAUGHTERS WILL ARRIVE FOR VISIT... . EVERYTHING IS UP IN THE AIR FOR ME NOW... .

I KNOW THIS MAN CAN BE VERY LOVING AND NICE AND GOOD BUT THEN IT CHANGE AND CONVERSATION SHUT UP AND I FEEL LUCKED OUT EVEN WHEN HE SPEAKS IN PHONE WITH HIS FRIENDS WHILE I AM JUST BESITE HIM (WHICH IS A SMALL AMOUNT OF FRIENDS)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

wow!  Denmark to New York is quite a move.  Hopefully you can take your time to make a decision.  It sounds like you've got a few things that raise eyebrows and it doesn't hurt to pull back and give yourself some room to think.  If it feels wrong, it just very well may be.   

[SundayRose]

I moved across the country to be with my H (before I had any clue of his BPD issues).  I have no family here.  It is VERY hard (and this is simply a move within the U.S., not a move between countries like you are anticipating).  I would think long and hard about making the move at this point.  Honestly, if there are already problems cropping up now, it is most likely only going to get worse once you are in NY. 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

As someone who myself moved to a different country to be with my BPDbf (Norway to France) I would strongly advice you NOT to do it. Even if you can in theory move back home and take up your old life, it's hard to go back home. Because the wish to go home will happen at a time where you'll find yourself mentally and physically exhausted, and it'll seem easier to just hang on a little longer, hoping it will change, than packing your life up again and starting anew back home. So then you stay just a little longer, and just a little longer, and you'll be a little worse off and a little worse off... .

You can also count on little to no help finding your way in your new country, and being blamed and attacked when things don't go well or you feel sad.

It's hard to move to another country at the best of times. With a dPBDbf, it's been a night mare.

Feel free to PM me in Danish if you'd like!

[pallavirajsinghani]

Since you asked the question so clearly, I'll give you my opinion clearly as well.

Respectfully stated:  Do not move the countries.

He fired your imagination.  He created a dream and a fantasy.

The grind of the daily life is the biggest wet blanket on fantasies... . relationships between non-disordered individuals can handle that initial disillusionment of the fantasy high and transform the relationship into something deeper, long lasting and more satisfying at deeper core levels.  Between your guilt about leaving the old family behind and his personality disorder... .

So:  the answer to your question is NO.  Do not move to NY on the basis of hope.  Misplaced HOPE is detrimental to your emotional and mental health.

Better at first, if you consider counseling to understand why you had the initial impulse to leave your family behind.

Remember, fulfillment cannot be granted by others... . even by those who love you deeply.  Fulfillment can only come from within. 

God bless.

[mutmut]

Thanks to all who answer me back I apreciate that very much... .

[flatspin]

I was a bit in the same situation as you last year. My ex-wife is American and I'm French. I was about to join her there in the USA when she cancelled everything (visa petition, etc) and served me with divorce papers. Before then, just by observing her ways with me and with my administrative steps to get there with her, I was having more and more niggles. Moving to another country was a huge leap into the unknown but without security net in case she dumped me overnight because of a fit of rage. She was already badgering me for money when I was still in France, I just couldn't imagine the hell that it would have been to move in with her in a foreign country of which I ignore most of it (laws, labour market rules, etc) during a tough economic crisis and all the more so that helping me and teaching me about it all was a huge "no way" ! I had to prove that I was a man who deserves respect which entails that I had to do everything and expect nothing from her. She was even mad at me and said that I was a good-for-nothing man when I told her that she had to sign the visa petition that I had filled in and that she still had to stick an ID photo of her on it. Go figure ! I'm glad that I didn't sell my car, my furniture or else so I could give her the money she constantly demanded otherwise, I'd be in a serious fix now.

What I mean here is that they aren't reliable at all and if they ever leave you high and dry all of a sudden and unexpectedly, it's better to be in an environment with which you are familiar and of which you know the ins and the outs.

Please, be careful, if there are already red flags and warning signs, they won't be going scarce as time goes by.

[mutmut]

I am new here... .

Still very confused over my situation... . Cant even think of my work... .

CAN YOU TRY TO GIVE ME AN ANSWER IF IT SEEMS LIKE HE HAS BPD? HOW DOES IT SOUNDS FOR YOU?

TRIED TO DESCRIBE MY RELATIONSSHIP

Relationship:

A girlfriend told me about BDF. I am repeatedly bogged down in this relationship. He makes me feel inferiority unloved ... . only in good periods it is good nice nice fluent in cumunication naturally loving but only mostly insite his apartment, (he never show others how much he likes me?) ... . and so it changes... . character ... . stillness no communication, insite himself, sudden angry outbursts ... . in conflicts where he feels attacked by me / or it starts out of thin air ... . ... . one can not have a normal conversation with him in these conflicts ... . you know a normal discussion ... . it is very uncomfortable I'm shaking inside ... . sometimes I have been verbally sexual abused ... . it's always verbally ... . it is very childish in his words ... . viciously ... . he always turn it back to me like something is wrong with me and make me feel ashame over my own natural reaction, it can take days before he would talk to me again ... . Sometimes these conflicts are more strong than others... . Our sex life is fantastic lovely I'm so fascinated by him right there ... . I open myself completely to him ... . he is dominant but I can control this ... . I've never felt so physically great with other men before him in my whole life ... . physically lovely touches while we watch television we are almost always erotic elated in these moments ... . he is always ready for sex and sometimes dirty sex (I know he whatch nasty pornosite brutal on internet sometimes)... . but he is never brutal with me... . but in general in periods he makes me feel very insecure ... . .it's like I can not get to him ... . as if he does not tell me everything what's going on in his life, and it feels like he don't want to share his life with me ... . I often feel left out ... . I get suspicious ... . do not believe in him. ... . and it is a terrible feeling... . he react strange look at other woman flirt while I am just besite him after he denie everything and it is me who is sick in the head. He doesn't make me feel that he really loves me, make me feel that I am lovely etc... . he never ask by himself into my problems ... . he never ask into my life ... . he never ask how my girls are doing, etc. I think I get a feeling of coldness emptyness not any thoughts from himself about our future... . Useally he likes to make plans always kind of being busy with that intertaintment for us... . I like to share everything and honesty and respectfull in my life if i feel i have to change my self into somebody else i cant do that... . I am a very nice warm and carring person... . dont want to crawl all the way up the latter to fall down again over and over... . and I am still here... . Today after a great loving weekend I am thinking... . shall I stay in this shall I work it out... . but I know it will come back to me again these unpleasants feelings... . i FEEL SO ATRACTED TO HIM, BUT i THINK IN GENERAL IT IS PHYSICAL ATRACTION AND IT IS LIKE THAT FEELING IT IS SO BIG FOR ME... . I HAVE NEVER KISSED SOMEBODY SO LOVELY LIKE HIM... .

[Suzn]

Hello mutmut  

I wanted to jump in and add my welcome. I'm sorry you're struggling with your bf. No one here can diagnose him with BPD, that would take a licensed therapist to do so. What we can do is share some information that may be helpful here:  Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

This link will also be helpful Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD . These communication skills are useful for any relationship, BPD or not.

You seem undecided on your relationship. Where do you see this relationship going? Do you and your bf live together?

[briefcase]

We can't really say if your boyfriend has BPD or not.   However, many of the things you described in your post are familiar here.  The more you can share with us, the better we can help you.