Kicked hard

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I feel like I am doing well. Continuing to learn, reading articles and books with an open mind, eager to try and grow. Allowing myself to see me, what I want and more importantly what I need. Seeing others with the blinders off. Trying to become more vulnerable with two of my dear friends and finally letting my guard down with them. Being interested in a man, for the first time in twenty years!  Enjoying the butterflies that come with that interest.

And then kicked hard. My email account came up for renewal this week. I had to sign in with my password to access billing. It didn't work,  has been ages since I used it as I usually access all my emails on that account via my phone. I called the service company. My email password had been changed. He did it. I wasn't surprised, I knew he was nosing around in that email but I really didn't care because after he left I had moved everything personal to a new one. Different company. All that I had left on that email was subscriptions to different newspapers and organizations I belong to. There is still one business tie that I have to maintain with him for another three years per divorce agreement and I also used this email for that so he didn't have to know my new one.

Tonight we were both at a grand child's game. He came up to me after and handed me an envelope and said, here, this came for you to my place. He left our home over two years ago. He bought a new place about one year ago. I have never lived at that address, been married to him when he lived at that address, or ever visited that address. In fact I wouldn't have been able to tell you what address he even lived at yet a letter came for me to that address? And the letter was from the breast clinic regarding a mammogram. I feel so violated. He has accessed my medical records somehow and changed my home address it is the only explanation. I will no longer be a partner in his gas lighting. When he handed me the envelope and I saw where it was from I said, why did it go to you? He replied, how would I know?  He knows, he changed the address. He can get access to so many things, what else is going to him? He knows all the security questions and can talk to people on the phone so they will do anything for him. I had to change my accountant because the one we used when married continued to give him all my financial information after the divorce although I had explicitly said the account was now separate and he was to have no access or information. He continues to nose around in my life. I have maintained very limited contact for almost two years now, only contact re this one business issue via email only and seeing him at grandchild events but not talking to him or acknowledging him. Yet, he is still able to get into my life. I know I can't control what he does, only my feelings toward that but how do you deal with this kind of personal intrusion. I feel physically ill, does it never end. I have never hated him until now. How do I get away?

[Cumulus]

I feel like I am doing well. Continuing to learn, reading articles and books with an open mind, eager to try and grow. Allowing myself to see me, what I want and more importantly what I need. Seeing others with the blinders off. Trying to become more vulnerable with two of my dear friends and finally letting my guard down with them. Being interested in a man, for the first time in twenty years!  Enjoying the butterflies that come with that interest.

And then kicked hard. My email account came up for renewal this week. I had to sign in with my password to access billing. It didn't work,  has been ages since I used it as I usually access all my emails on that account via my phone. I called the service company. My email password had been changed. He did it. I wasn't surprised, I knew he was nosing around in that email but I really didn't care because after he left I had moved everything personal to a new one. Different company. All that I had left on that email was subscriptions to different newspapers and organizations I belong to. There is still one business tie that I have to maintain with him for another three years per divorce agreement and I also used this email for that so he didn't have to know my new one.

Tonight we were both at a grand child's game. He came up to me after and handed me an envelope and said, here, this came for you to my place. He left our home over two years ago. He bought a new place about one year ago. I have never lived at that address, been married to him when he lived at that address, or ever visited that address. In fact I wouldn't have been able to tell you what address he even lived at yet a letter came for me to that address? And the letter was from the breast clinic regarding a mammogram. I feel so violated. He has accessed my medical records somehow and changed my home address it is the only explanation. I will no longer be a partner in his gas lighting. When he handed me the envelope and I saw where it was from I said, why did it go to you? He replied, how would I know?  He knows, he changed the address. He can get access to so many things, what else is going to him? He knows all the security questions and can talk to people on the phone so they will do anything for him. I had to change my accountant because the one we used when married continued to give him all my financial information after the divorce although I had explicitly said the account was now separate and he was to have no access or information. He continues to nose around in my life. I have maintained very limited contact for almost two years now, only contact re this one business issue via email only and seeing him at grandchild events but not talking to him or acknowledging him. Yet, he is still able to get into my life. I know I can't control what he does, only my feelings toward that but how do you deal with this kind of personal intrusion. I feel physically ill, does it never end. I have never hated him until now. How do I get away?

[Want2know]

Have you contacted the doctors office to ask when the updated your address last, and if by chance, they know who updated it?  They should be able to tell you.

As far as other security questions or passwords, on the main accounts you have, change them.  It may be a pain, but once you do it, it's done.

[P.F.Change]

Can you talk with the police about the stalking? Your attorney might also be able to help.

I am sorry you are going through this. It must feel so violating.

PF

[Cumulus]

Thank you both. I feel embarrassed today about this whole episode, or rather my reaction. It has been over a year since he has managed to yank my chain and have me participate in one of his drama productions. There was something so violating about the whole thing and violation of my personal space is something we argued about for years. He actually accessed my health insurance company and changed my address and phone number to his. All Dr. visits, diagnostic tests, hospital stays etc. use this contact information. I talked to them today. They are going to look into just how this happened and changed my info back to my own and tagged my account with a contact user in person prior to any changes. Did it ever hit me hard though. No sleep last night, racing heart and all. I had a huge physical reaction to the event.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to do. The stalking has diminished, the last time he messed with me was in January that I know for sure. There was a weird something in the spring but dont know for sure it was him. I was starting to feel safe. I have monitors and cameras on my property so almost always know if someone around. I have changed everything but this one email and where I live that we had in common. Computer changed, phone number changed, new email acct, accountant changed, bank accounts changed, just about everything. It is the security questions that concern me, ie, mothers maiden name, favourite pet, where did you go to school, that kind of stuff. I have managed to settle some today with great effort and being able to talk through here and with a friend. And yes, thank you, the attorney is a really good idea. I hadn't thought of that.

[heartandwhole]

Wow, Cumulus, I know I would feel very violated and upset if this happened to me.  I can see why you didn't sleep last night.     I'm glad to hear that the various offices are in the loop now.  The more people who know what to look out for the better, although I realize that brings up privacy issues.

Hope you are feeling better soon and this behavior has stopped. 

heart

[Want2know]

No need to feel embarrassed... . identity theft is a horrible thing to have happen, which is what this is, basically.  It leaves you feeling vulnerable, along with a host of other potential emotions.  If you didn't have an emotional response, it would be odd.

Many people think that identity theft is done by strangers who steal your mail and open accounts, etc., however, the majority of ID theft is done by family members - pretty sad. Granted, he didn't open up accounts in your name, but it's the same emotion of having your personal information used in a way that is an invasion of your privacy.

Sounds like you are taking control... . good for you.  

[P.F.Change]

Re the "security" questions.

This is a very common problem for stalking and harassment victims, because stalkers are often intimate partners who know all the answers to those questions. One solution is just to make up all new answers that only you know and he wouldn't guess, and reset them. For things like credit cards, you can talk to customer service and see if they will ask a different question to verify your identity other than mother's maiden or last four of social, or if you can enter a different answer to those questions.

Good job taking charge and contacting your insurer. Keep documenting everything, and give your attorney and/or local PD a call.

No need to be embarrassed about someone else's atrocious behavior. You haven't done anything wrong, and you have a right to privacy.

PF

[Cumulus]

Thank you for your words of encouragement and advice. I had no idea that identity theft was more common from family members then strangers. And it is something I will watch for, I could see that happening. So, am making my list of what needs to be checked and will notify attorney. Having something concrete to do helps. 

[GreenMango]

 

Let the full hammer of the consequences fall in his lap.  Sometimes these things are a learning opportunity - why deprive him of that?