Why does it hurt so much...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have never seen myself as an obsessed type person with anything. I thought myself to be pretty open minded and felt the live and let live thinking was the way to go. My relationships even when they ended badly we would see each other later and it would be fine. Say hello chat for a few then wish each other well... . 

This relationship ending is like ripping skin off of my body. It is horrible and i used to think i would take him back just to relieve my pain.

Now lately i know thats not what i can do. I think about this all day all night. I wonder what he is doing and who he is with and how happy is he really. does she satisfy the way i did and is he regretting us not working out. This is not who i used to be but it is who i have become.

Does being in a BPD relationship change you to become so dependent on them that this is a side effect of the break up?

[honeysuckle]

I have never seen myself as an obsessed type person with anything. I thought myself to be pretty open minded and felt the live and let live thinking was the way to go. My relationships even when they ended badly we would see each other later and it would be fine. Say hello chat for a few then wish each other well... . 

This relationship ending is like ripping skin off of my body. It is horrible and i used to think i would take him back just to relieve my pain.

Now lately i know thats not what i can do. I think about this all day all night. I wonder what he is doing and who he is with and how happy is he really. does she satisfy the way i did and is he regretting us not working out. This is not who i used to be but it is who i have become.

Does being in a BPD relationship change you to become so dependent on them that this is a side effect of the break up?

[hithere]

I relationship with a BPD can be like a drug addiction, addiction to the idealization or getting it back, to the sex, chaos or whatever.  But unlike drug addiction it is like they fooled you into getting addicted, so it is like someone slipping heroin into your food and then when you are without it you go into withdrawal.  I think for me it was the constant chaos and high emotions.  On one-hand I was happy for the peace but on the other it seemed like life was all the sudden moving in slow motion.  Either way, it passed after a few weeks and I would never want it back.

[trevjim]

I worried about how obsessed I was getting, I think its natural with this type of break up though.

As the weeks have passed, although she is still on my mind alot, I am thinking about her alot less then I used to.

[charred]

When you get in a relationship with a person with BPD... it starts out with them idealizing you, giving you so much apparent unconditional love that it can be overwhelming... and if your a bit on the needy side from your upbringing (like distant parents, some abuse, a generally fearful outlook on life)... the intensity of the attachment you get for the person with BPD... is like a primary attachment, the kind a person has for their mother for instance. Then when they get clingy... it just seems like non-sense as you can't imagine leaving them... then they typically either leave you or turn hateful... either one is tough to handle, you stay and take the abuse and are miserable and hope for things to go back like they were at first... .  but they never do. Or the most painful one, is the pwBPD... just gives you a curt "we are done" or something to that effect, and leaves without explanation. Anyone else you dated doing that, might hurt a little but it wouldn't make you obsess... however because of the intense needy attachment... that makes them like the wonderful parent you never had... .  being dumped is like losing a parent... it shakes your world, and pushes everything else out of your mind.

You question what you did wrong, wonder about how they could love everything you loved and how they could tell you that you were the soulmate they always longed for, then abruptly dump you.

Well... BPD is a disorder, they are not fully developed emotionally... .  (or as I prefer to see it... .  they are "half baked"... they have a deep seated fear of abandonment, and typically very intense emotions, and ... .  one of the parts that isn't developed is empathy... .  so what happens is;

They meet you, and want to be close to you intensely... so they take an intense interest in everything you are interested in, they spend as much time with you as they can, they are highly complimentary, and do what is called mirroring, which is acting like you... .  and they ignore most the boundaries you have that keep other people away... .  so after a period of time (and typically lots of sex with someone that seems to love it more than you do... ) you find yourself falling for them... however in reality... very little time has gone bye, certainly not enough to build a genuine relation... but that is not what they do, its all about you, intense and flattering. Till you are good and hooked.

Then they relax a bit, you get comfortable with things, maybe even start to take them for granted... but all the things they said they liked (that you do)... and all that they said they felt... was not really what they liked/felt... and while they were really wrapped up in you... .  they start to have doubts, to express dislike, and start seeing your flaws... which can make you withdraw a bit... which make them fear you will leave them... and gets them in to the clingy/pathetic/needy phase... you argue now some, and try to make up, but they seem really needy. At some point they quit seeing you as wonderful, do a 180, and decide you are the problem, you are terrible, you are so bad that anything they say/do is justifiable, since you are so terrible... .  and that is when they become the hater... or if they have someone else lined up... they drop you abruptly without it seeming to trouble them all that much.

That is the typical bad BPD r/s from what I have seen/experienced.  The pain is great, you think they are wonderful, moral, sweet, perfect in many ways... .  and that comes from them mirroring your good side... the clingy/needy times... are more honestly the BPD person's real personality... and I think the hater is the true personality... damaged to the point of being mean as any junk yard dog.  The official view is that the BPD people don't have a core self... they were half baked enough not to develop a sense of self... and so they change like a chameleon to act like whoever they are around.

The only thing that explains the obsession/pain/longing... to me is the mistaking their love for the love of the parent you never had and giving them the reaction a perfectly unconditional loving parent would deserve... then having the rug pulled out from you... so it seems like you lost what you love most... and need horribly. Heard other explanations... .  went through all this with my pwBPD... in 1983-84... then about 4 yrs ago she came back in to my life thanks to FB... and prompted a divorce, and then set about destroying my career and life... .  until I ended it about 6 mos ago (after about 7 recycles)... so... I thought I was long done with her... and I have dated maybe 25 gals... many didn't end well, but only one devastated me... and only one... after over 25 yrs STILL had the effect on me... and no normal relationship is like that... .  but if you lost a parent and then got them back 25 yrs later, you would still have intense feelings... .  so that is my explanation.

You can learn all about why it happened, what BPD is, why they are like they are... and then you still will hurt... because they filled some deep need you had... they filled it with baloney... but they filled it, and to be over them, and the deep need... you probably will need some professional help... and often the damage from them and your FOO (family of origin)... is enough to require trauma work... like they do for PTSD for soldiers... yeah, its that intense.

Good luck, there is a lot for you here.

[charred]

I had more to say, (but messages have size limits... . )

Once you realize the situation, that you fell for someone that isn't what they seemed, that they appear to be a lovely adult that is crazy about you, but they are actually an unruly 3 yr old with barely a sign of conscience... . and that you put them on a pedestal and revered them like your mother... . you really want to get over it.

First thing is the ruminating over it all, which is your bruised ego replaying what was and what you dreamt of... . so past/future... . but not now. To get back to here/now give mindfulness a shot, it works and is very helpful. I went to a T for my stress/anxiety, as I was torn between my wife I divorced and my pwBPD... . who incited the divorce... . and he pointed me to Eckart Tolle's "A New Earth"... . which is a good start on mindfulness, "Rewire Your Brain for Love" is a bit better for learning it as it has a lot of mindfulness exercises... . but you can google mindfulness exercises and learn to get relaxed and in the present instead of ruminating on the hurt.

After a week or so of de-stressing and dropping the anxiety down, you probably want to understand why everything happened... . these boards are the best resource around, read the articles;

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm

There are book reviews that will point you to more info to help understand. I wrote up my understanding of what happened... . and it is kind of the essence of the story.

With an understanding and the immediate stress down you can work on recovering... . which can be a lot of things... . time will help, a good therapist can help. I found that it helped for me to realize that I had lots of issues some minor, some not, that came from my FOO. There is a schema therapy website where you can take a test to see how you function in a number of key life skills/coping areas, and it shows how you compare to normal adults, when you don't you might find that it explains why and then their companion book "Reinventing Your Life"... . which goes in to the schemas and how to fix the ones that are off... . can help. As an example... . self worth comes from within, and someone with high self worth typically sees everyone as worthwhile. However if you have very low self worth or see yourself as better than other people... . it can cause you problems in relationships... . and going back to your FOO, low self worth can come from being berated, told your worthless and many other things like that... . and thinking you are better than other people... . can come from your parents talking down about other people, saying things like "we are Johnson's... . we are better than that" all of which undercuts having a normal healthy viewpoint... . so it gives a way to find issues and deal with them, on your own at your own pace without much $$.

Another issue I had was shutting down emotions... . because they hurt so much, especially being hated by my pwBPD... . my T said it was PTSD, and they can help with that. I also found that even though I have accomplished a lot in my life, it didn't bring me joy, the moments of joy were unplanned things that just happened... . and that disconnection from the source of joy, was due to beating almost all my emotions down in to submission. My theory is a lot of the attraction the pwBPD had to me was due to my emotions being so blunted... . because hers were bigger than life, and the walls I put up to keep people away (which work too well with most people)... . those boundaries... . were completely ignored by her. So, after the devastation she brought in to my life, I want to fix my deficiencies that made her seem like a good choice... . when she wasn't. To do that I need to get in touch with my emotions, which means experiencing them and working through them, instead of trying to avoid them. A very good book on doing just that is "Healing Your Aloneness, Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child."  The title alone made me want to barf... . but... . despite my antagonistic attitude toward touchy/feely BS... . it was spot on... . all they mean by "Inner Child"... . is your authentic emotions... . being free to experience and express them.

You also will hear a lot about codependency... . and I read 6 books on it, 5 were ok... . all said about the same thing, you are codependent when you look for happiness and/or validation from others, not from yourself. There is a brutal article in the articles section of this site on codependency... . it tells it to you straight... . you are not being a good guy when you are being a rescuer/people pleaser in the way that codependent acting gets you to doing stuff... . it undercuts your ability to enjoy life. Like I said 5 books were okay, one was fantastic... . it explained where it came from and why we do it and is worth the read; "Facing Codependence" by Pia Mellody.

You can get those books used on amazon for very little, I dropped at most $15, and when combined with the schema therapy site, and this bpdfamily.com sight, it has me on my way. My T helps a bit, but far less than what I have mentioned... . is nice to have someone that will listen, that you can be a crying downer with and then just leave it behind without worrying.

Hopefully that can help a bit... . its not "THE" answer, but its the best help I can give.

[delusionalxox]

I can relate so much to all of this. Other breakups have hurt me. But they were with people I LIKED and RESPECTED and by the end I didn't feel like that about ex at all. And yet... . this breakup has destroyed me to an extent I didn't believe possible. I feel half alive. As if half of me died. The pain and continuing agitation are just awful.