dont feel like living anymore

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

after almost three months of this im to a point i really dont like.

ive lost all hope of having my life back and not wanting a new one.

i cant understand this my life has went to hell her life is went the same way. im at a loss as what to do. even if i knew i wouldnt be able to.

i hate hanging on to this but it never leaves my mind. today so many way to get out of this life have poped into my head, do know why that is. i feel like i cant talk to anyone about that stuff becouse i dont want to worrie anyone.

[simplyasiam]

after almost three months of this im to a point i really dont like.

ive lost all hope of having my life back and not wanting a new one.

i cant understand this my life has went to hell her life is went the same way. im at a loss as what to do. even if i knew i wouldnt be able to.

i hate hanging on to this but it never leaves my mind. today so many way to get out of this life have poped into my head, do know why that is. i feel like i cant talk to anyone about that stuff becouse i dont want to worrie anyone.

[simplyasiam]

feel like my life is over, ive lost all hope of geting my life back or building a new one. im 41 dont think i have it in me. everthing i was trying for is gone, its been 3 months and i cry ever day. cant take this pain.

today so many way to end my life and pain have poped into my head, i dont want act on these things

depression panic fear feeling use less its no wonder ex tried to take her life three time no one should like this get up and acting like im normal is just to much anymore.

[cska]

Hey, hey, Asiam, I'm so sorry you feel so much pain! I'm so sorry.   I've been there too. Many times I felt such overwhelming grief that I wanted to just die and disappear so I don't have to live with so much pain.

Emotional wounds inflict the most pain, and now your emotional wounds are bleeding. I'm so sorry... . It gets better I promise you, it took me months to get over it, months of crying, weeping, wanting to disappear. Life lost meaning for me... . But it gets better, it does. And when the clouds clear you will have a bright future ahead of you.

I understand, sometimes its hard to talk to people because a lot of them simply don't understand what its like to be in a relationship with a pwBPD. Do you have family that you can talk to? Be kind to yourself. One time when I was in pain I was told by someone on this board to treat myself with care, like I would a friend who is going through a lot of pain.

It gets better, I promise, hang in there... . I'm sending you strength 

[cska]

In my experience taking some time off for myself helped me get my mind off of the pain. Can you perhaps take a day off and take a trip somewhere? Watching movies/listening to music also helped alleviate some of the pain. There was a time when I would watch movies all day without a break b/c I couldn't bear to be alone with my thoughts... .

[papawapa]

Your life is a gift. It is precious. I know how you feel right now. I have been suicidal before. Reach out for help. Call a crisis line, go check yourself into a hospital. Find something to hang on for. It can be anything. Don't give up.

[Reg]

Simplyasiam,

So sorry to hear how you are actually feeling.  Many of us have been where you have been and are now.  I understand it very well.

You will need time te let heal your wounds to scars, scars that show us that finally we were strong enough to survive.

I've learned that if one has real friends, you will not worry them, they will be there for you.  You need to let go of the guilt you feel, and of the toxic feelings that we all have after this kind of relationship.

There's no direct solution for this, but we are all hearing you, and I'm convinced we are all here to help one another.  And to learn from eachother.

There are lots of reasons to want a new life.  You and all of us have taken a hard lesson, one way or another.  You have to try to understand it is important that you get out of the house, see people, do things for yourself.  Sitting behind closed doors is not healthy.  

You will see that there's a world outside which is so beautifull, but you forgot about it's beautiful colours.  It's time for you to rediscover them, one day at the time.  Step by step.  I'm convinced that you can do it !

I've learned to take my life back, it may be different, but it is better then the last three and a half years or close to four I was in before.  It took me some time to realise that as well.  Give yourself some time, you will see it is the best gift you've ever given yourself !

Put your naked feet in the grass if you can, take a deep breath, look at the sky, no matter if it's clouded or not, there's a sun behind that.  And that sun is what you need back in your life.  That day will come, step by step.  :)ay by day, but it comes !

Reg

[cska]

Papawawa is right, human life is a gift... . And the pain will end, I promise, don't give up. Is there a crisis center in your area that you can go to? Also, you can call the suicide hotline.

[tailspin]

asiam,

You are not alone; we are here for you and we all understand how you feel.

If posting here is not enough or you need more support, please choose the Red Emergency button at the bottom of the page.  There are people who can help guide you through the darkness.  Don't be afraid to reach out.

tailspin

[simplyasiam]

thaank you so much it really does pick me up a little. i get so much for so long i dont know how to give to myself or if i even have anything left to give me.

being alone kills me im so use to caring for her and kids im run down beat up but sleep never comes.

[Want2know]

feel like my life is over, ive lost all hope of geting my life back or building a new one. im 41 dont think i have it in me. everthing i was trying for is gone, its been 3 months and i cry ever day. cant take this pain.

simplyasiam... . you definitely are not alone in these feelings right now.  It hurts when you have expectations and they don't work out how you envisioned them.  We've all been there and can help you work through this.  I'm 48 and can tell you that you still have a lot of time to create something good for yourself.  My relationship ended almost 2 years ago, and I am in such a better place today than I have been in my entire life.  Sometimes we need to go through these very difficult moments in life to see our true path.

Talk to us here... . there's a lot of us here for you. 

[tailspin]

 

Not sleeping really does strange things to us.  May I suggest you read something?  It's a wonderful book by Thich Nhat Hanh called "you are here" and it's described as "discovering the magic of the present moment."

It taught me how to heal my wounds and pain through meditation. But most importantly, it taught me how to let go with love.

I know right now it seems like your pain has no bounds.  But you can find comfort, peace and be whole again. 

Take the first step with me.

tailspin

[simplyasiam]

i really want past this and must learn to let it go. it means alot all of you reaching out to me like this

[Emelie Emelie]

Feel the pain.  Accept the pain.  It will pass.  There is so much more for you.

[Suzn]

Hey SimplyasIam I'm sorry you're feeling so down, I know how that feels.    We are here for you, you are not alone my friend. Do you have family or friends nearby you can visit?

When I was feeling this way it was hard because I was alone, family far away. It helped to watch movies as has been suggested and I played video games on my laptop, sounds silly but it helped give my mind a break from the sadness from time to time. My mind needed that break! Plus it made me sleepy, or helped, I had a hard time sleeping too. What are you doing for you?

[Lao Tzu]

Dear SimplyasIam,

     This was me and not long ago.  It's how this abandonment thing works.  The thing that helps me is exercise.  Get on a treadmill and walk until your legs hurt (or run if you're in better shape).  You are living in your head right now and it isn't a good place to be.  There's nothing like a little something physical to pull you out.  Seriously, give it a try or play tennis or soccer or play a pick up b-ball gam.  Get out of your head for an hour.  You'll find it's a blessing.

LT

[really]

Dear SimplyasIam

You are not alone in those thoughts.   I have had them myself and posted about those thoughts on this board.    I agree with the suggestions to do exercise.   An injury stopped me from exercising and it was when I got run down physically that those thoughts were at their worst.   I am 40 in a couple of weeks and feel so far from where I want my life to be that I don't know how to summon the strength to rebuild my life.  Please keep reaching out to those on this board.   I know it sounds trite but those feelings will pass in time.   Take it one day at a time treat yourself with patience and kindness.  I know after giving so much of myself to my ex just how difficult that is. 

[winston72]

So sorry, AsiaM.  Many people who read your words also share your thoughts and feelings... . I have and still do periodically.  The people here understand your despair and can feel it with you.  So, please hear our words when we say it will get better.  It is not empty advice, but from places of similar despair.

It will get better... . brighter days are ahead for you... . keep striving... . keep living!

[cska]

It is not empty advice, but from places of similar despair.

It will get better... . brighter days are ahead for you... . keep striving... . keep living!

That's absolutely correct, I'm talking from personal experience. The pain passes. It might take some time, but it will pass.

When I was in pain, I though that I would always be in a state of grief and longing for my ex. But after my grief has lifted, I was able to experience the joy of life once again. You will heal, don't give up!

[bpdspell]

Emotional bear hugs to you!

I'm with the others. Six months out I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. We are all strong people on here but the loneliness has affected each and every one of us on here. Be kind and patient with yourself. These sad feelings will pass. You are so worthy of living and life and you will get through this!

Keep reaching out to us. You are never alone in this struggle to find your heartbeat again. Healing takes time and will not happen overnight.

Exercising can help a great deal; it increases the happy hormone serotonin... . journaling works... . being around family... .

The day I wanted to not live was the day I had BPD family and it saved my life. I cried and I prayed... . then miraculously I got invited to a church cookout. I wasnt in the socializing mood but it helps to be around others. We fed the community and i became grateful for that moment. Breathe in and out deeply, pray to the God of your understanding and know that your life is not in vain.

Spell

[Hurtbad]

Simplyasiam,

By now you must see you have a lot of company.  I... . we... . know how terrible the pain is.  As for your feelings, they are natural, you have lost something that was a central part of your life.  It is a dark, awful place.  If you are feeling truly like not living anymore, get help and don't be embarrassed.  I suffered from serious depression several years and thought and was certain my life was over.  But I did get better.  I used that knowledge to get me through this latest life crisis.  I could not stand the pain of betrayal and loss my BPD girlfriend put me though.  But I was able to hold on to what I knew about it passing, and I was helped greatly by this site, and going back to T get get help.

I cannot emphasize enough how much life is worth living.  I can say that you may even appreciate it more now that you have been so far to the depth. there is so much to do, know and experience that it is worth enduring the pain... . but I know you have ti find ways to get though.  Post here.  Watch Old movies you love. Exercise.  Try and be with with people. At first you will be going through the motions, but it works.

I know you don't feel it will lift, but it does.  Also, we are here, we are all here.  If yo need some private interaction feel free PM me. Most of all, do not hesitate to get help. And don't believe it is helpless... . that is just a feeling that comes with being depressed.

You hand in there and know that to the extent that empathy and compassion can be sent from those you have never actually met, you are loved by those of us who feel your pain with you.

Hang tough a day at a time.

[Nearlybroken]

My heart goes out to you.I too have been where you are.I am 39 now and I thought that my future was sorted.I miss what I had with my expwBPD and really am hurting by the fact that I am going through hell and his life is as normal.I too have had thoughts of going to sleep and never waking up.And I am still at the stage where sometimes the dark thoughts overwhelm me.I invested so much into our relationship and our future and he just walked away.Sometimes emotional pain can be utterly overwhelming and all consuming.I had to take medication in the end and am now seeing a therapist.I try to take a walk everyday and when I feel the tears and the sadness... . well... . I just let it come.You are not alone.I am from the Uk and found that speaking to the Samaritans ( 24 hour helpline ) really enabled me to get things off my chest.Do you have similar where you are?And of course the lovely people on here helped.

[delusionalxox]

Simplyasiam I just wanted to say how your heartfelt posts and the honesty with which you express your pain resonate with me.


So many here have been where you are (and I have been too).

I reckon it may still come to that in the future for me. I have children. I need to stay strong for them. I need to give love and care to myself not pour it down the BPD black hole.

But the pain is the worst I have ever felt. In fact it was something beyond pain, for me. It felt as if I were breaking apart, there was none of me left, just obsessive thoughts of him and the endless pain which was the only thing I could feel or focus on.

I still feel deeply agitated. Went back to doctor and got medication like Nearlybroken. My family were scared for me. I suffer generally from depression but they had never seen me so bad. I was literally unable to get out of bed.

I wanted to die too. Also wanted to die many times DURING the relationship because of how thoroughly devalued and desperate I felt. The pain then was different. I felt weighted down, before he left me. When he left came the explosion of pain and trauma. The bond broke and I felt as if I broke with it.

I feel marginally more sane these last days. We will forget and there will be a future. We must bear this pain for love of ourselves and for those who love us. And there are more of those people than you think.

[momtara]

I have hit rock bottom and couldn't even imagine there was hope.  The things I thought I was living for were gone.  But yet, a few things managed to touch me - a raindrop, strange dogs wagging their tails.  41 is pretty young.  I'm the same age.  You don't realize it until you get older, I think.  Things will get better.  They have to, right?  I have been surprised over and over.

I agree with the people who said it's hard for anyone else to understand a BPD relationship.  Please keep posting here.  We understand.

[Xtrange]

I am also recovering, feeling the emptiness, the disillusion. Starting over at 42. I found that we are not alone. Listen to what other members said. Thanks bpdfamily!

[heartandwhole]

Simplyasiam,

I have been there, too, and I'm sorry that you are feeling this way.  It hurts so much.  I thought I would never feel better, but I do - so much better.  Things do change, and they will for you, too. 

I second the suggestions for exercise, something physical.  It may be the last thing you want to do, but I know it helped me a lot.

Hang in there, Simply, we care about you and are with you. 

heart

[gallerykey]

Im with you, thats how im feeling, exactly how im feeling at the moment. I too think how would i do it, when could i do it, just to break free from this herrendous pain that i know is going to take so long to et over and dont think ive got the strength to last that long. But then i think, hang on i managed to put up with soo much hurt and pain in the relationship on my own that surely i can carry on doing that but knowing this time it can only get easier as they wont be there to keep topping up the pain, hurt and guilt. Do i believe this, sometimes yes and no but i HAVE to hold onto something. Here if you ever want to talk, sending hugs xx

[Hurtbad]

This one is for IMJ72:  Hi, please hang in there.  I am a relative newbie who thought I could never outlast the pain, and I have. MY BPD broke my heart, soul and left me sitting there while she was sleeping with another guy.  Check out my domain name. My story is well established here if you want to look it up, but I wanted to pass along whatever I could to help.  Don't think about tomorrow, but just deal with today.  This way you only have to take it a day at a time.  This really works.  Another thing, when I was obsessing and crying and could not take it, I would log on here and air it out.  I am not religious, but God bless this site.  Keep posting.  PM me if you want.  Get e therapist ASAP if you are really suicidal.  You only get one shot at this life.  I know you want the pain to stop, it will but it takes time.  Do what you have to do. I just today came back from a three day trip from seeing my beloved sister who I was too busy to see for five years.  I am exercising again and I can now see that my garage has a floor.  It did not happen quickly, but patience and effort does work.  Now, I get better every day. Know that the compassion for your situation exists on this site in great quantity.   Hang in... . were are here.  You life is precious.  Plese hang in there.

[Phoenix.Rising]

simplyasiam,

It saddens me to hear you are in so much pain, but I do understand.  These relationships have a tendency to break us down.  I know it's hard to see past the present moment, but you must believe that others, including myself, have made it through the worst part of the breakup.  I am 44, so we are close to the same age.  A phrase that helped me when I was down and out was 'taking your own life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem'.  In other words, your feelings are temporary.  These are the facts.  I know it doesn't feel that way, but This Too Shall Pass.  Just hang in there and take some of the great suggestions you've been given.  See a doctor if you need to and get some medical assistance.  There is always a way to walk through the pain.  It really does get better.   

Phoenix.Rising

[Phoenix.Rising]

simplyasiam,

Some members may have already shared these resources, but if not, please take a look:

Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts

Depression and Suicidal Ideation

We are here for you!

Phoenix.Rising

[musicfan42]

Please hang in there simplyasiam!

If you feel suicidal, please contact a helpline no-I don't know where you live unfortunately however there should be one in your area. They will have people on the line that can listen to you in a supportive and non-judgmental manner.

Please seek help-please contact a doctor. If you're feeling like this for 2 weeks or more, then it's depression. Don't just think "I'll pull myself out of it". Get the help that's out there.

I'm going to post the DBT skills handbook here. The distress tolerance skills are helpful if you feel suicidal-e.g distraction etc. www.bipolarsjuk.se/pdf/Handbook%20in%20DBT%20Group.pdf