Do they always make contact after seperation?

[cylec]

They all have their good qualities - otherwise we wouldn't stay with them, let them put us through hell and still forgive them for their terrible behaviour!

Looking back on it, the only redeemable qualities she had were beauty and in the beginning the sex was fantastic.  There was absolutely nothing else redeeming about her.   The lists the other folks posted pretty much sums my exBPDgf up to a tee.

I still think I may have been the sick one.   I have hauled butt from relationships in the past for a heck of a lot less reasons than she gave me to... .

[willbegood]

They all have their good qualities - otherwise we wouldn't stay with them, let them put us through hell and still forgive them for their terrible behaviour!

I once asked my ex if she could think of one good quality about herself.

Looks - I thought she looked good. I've dated much prettier women but was very satisfied

sex - was fine.

loyalty - none

trust - none

communication - none

Her qualities really only qualified her for a one night stand.

[Jbt857]

A normal ex will talk about the r/s. And you can maybe try again. A pwBPD wants to jump right back in as though nothing happened. That they abused you or cheated on you as a reason for the end of the r/s can not be ever discussed. Nothing sane or even close to a realization of accountability nor the pain inflicted on the partner is  recognized.

Yeah, that's so true. If ever I dared bring up any of his misdemeanours they miraculously became my fault, somehow. But mostly they went unspoken.

Horrible we'd put ourselves through that, isn't it?

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

Why do we miss them so much?

My therapist says the deluge of over-the-top wonderful romance and sex in the early/good times results in a massive wave of opiate-like endorphins.

A really healthy well-adjusted person is conditioned to normal levels of endorphins... .you get raised levels with happy times, sex, exercise, etc, and lower levels with sadness or illness, etc., but it's not a huge variation.

People who are what he nicknames "chronically under-loved" - those of us likely to end up in codependent relationships with BPDs - are not used to stable levels of endorphins, and so we react strongly to the huge waves of it.

Then the 'dance' of push-pull-push-pull begins, with the BPD withdrawing affection, then deluging you with a great flood of it. This completely knackers your ability to cope without it.

Like diet-controlled diabetes... .a non-diabetic person has stable blood-sugar because it's regulated normally. It goes a bit up, a bit down.

We "chronically under-loved" people are the equivalent of a diabetic, in that if we eat a load of sugar, it affects us dramatically, and if we go without food, it affects us dramatically.

Basically, he says my BPD ex-bf has pretty much set up an opiate-addiction in my brain's neurochemistry.

this helps me cope with the yearnings, to understand that it's a physiological withdrawal symptom and NC will eventually help me ditch the 'habit'.

My therapist says the best treatment he knows is for me to spend as much time as possible with my lovely friends - my well-adjusted, healthy friends who do not try to control or manipulate me, who do not endlessly deluge or starve me of endorphins, but whose steady, normal affectionate behaviour will steadily and slowly allow my brain to re-learn how this stuff works.

In time, I will be used to normal levels of endorphins, and I won't miss the huge excitements of the deluges, nor will I have to cope with the starvation withdrawal periods.

Hope that helps.

[DragoN]

^^^ Very good point Sept 30.

www.weavertargetrecoverymodel.com/documents/CompulsiontoRepeattheTrauma.pdf

I have hauled butt from relationships in the past for a heck of a lot less reasons than she gave me to... .

Embarrassed to admit the same.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

Mine was never physically attractive - well, 20 years ago he was stunningly beautiful, and told me before we met up again last year that he had barely changed except that he kept his hair "cropped short now because it was starting to thin on top" - er, no, that would be about 80% completely bald, just a 1.5" band of stubble round the back above his collar! (and not a good head for baldness, either, kind of big and round and pale)

And paunchy and double-chinned, rather than "in as good shape now as when I played for the college sports teams - maybe a little leaner, even".

And saggy ill-fitting jeans and crumpled shirt, usually buttoned up crooked or coming unbuttoned. That was "I dress 'smart casual' for work these days".

BUT... .he spun a web with words.

And he did do me a huge amount of good in the early days, including - massive MASSIVE irony - urging and encouraging me into major therapy, the first appt of which came through days after he exploded my life with a bombshell confession of having spent the weekend with someone he'd previosuly told me he barely knew on Facebook and thought was 'dumb'. From that first appt, the therapist as coaching me to independence, but it's taken three months of weekly sesisons to get me to truly admit that I can only save what I can, and that means saving myself. No Contact.

So I felt looked after for the first time ever, cared about, loved, for the first time ever... .(I'm in my mid-forties... .).

I started vulnerable, and although he's nearly killed me in recent months, ironically I'm less vulnerable than before I met him.

[hopealways]

Interesting how the BPD never re-engage with a true apology, sign of remorse, assurances that they will get help etc.  It is always the classic phishing strategy of "how are you" or "i miss you".  They just want validation that they have you as their emotional slave. Don't bite, have the respect that you will be the only man who let her go.

[Emelie Emelie]

When my BPD xBF broke up with me he was "done".  And I believed it heart and soul.  I never expected to hear from him.  He had moved on.  Well... .not so much.  We just can't predict their behavior and we torture ourselves trying.

[Accepting]

My boundary is within myself and involves letting go of any expectation this time it will be different. That is my part in the insanity, "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" so if I can let that go it really helps.

This is where I am in all of this. Trying to accept things for what they are. Not wishing for or waiting for the what if's to happen. Every time I re-engage with him I get hooked back in to thinking that possibly he could stay clear minded... .but without fail our closeness always triggers him to disengage.

I think in life it is very important to take responsibility for our own happiness and this situation has really tested that resolve. To look after myself no matter what happens with other people, with my romantic life.

[hopealways]

The only ones the BPD truly long for and consider "the one that got away" is the one guy who wouldn't take them back.  It's all about the chase for the BPD.  They devalue you partly because you are putting up with their abuse and they feel nobody with high self worth would put up with that. 

[DragoN]

The only ones the BPD truly long for and consider "the one that got away" is the one guy who wouldn't take them back.  It's all about the chase for the BPD.  They devalue you partly because you are putting up with their abuse and they feel nobody with high self worth would put up with that. 

You are right, but I don't think they even reason that far.

BPD suck you in with Love Bombing and blowing sunshine up your butt, which infuses the self esteem, then the devaluation sets in. Get dropped on your head, heart smashed and then they pull away or you pull away and then the recycle starts all over again. Sometimes it's the grand , I am leaving, I want a divorce, packs bags and makes big noises about buggering off. Or, it's the push/ pull, silent treatment bs.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

You are right, but I don't think they even reason that far.

I'm pretty sure mine just never reasoned at all.

I think everything he did to me was simple reactive behaviour. I don't think he plotted evilly to make me think I was insane - I think he probably genuinely believed that he was the only one who knew me well enough to help me. The fact that it was HIS behaviour that collapsed my world just escaped him. The fact that the reason I kept fretting and puzzling over him was because every time I tried to say "ok, we're just friends now and you'll be with other women and I shall work to be fine with that" he came back with pouring love-bombing onto me, that fact escaped him too.

I think the only thing he had in his mind was "stop her! she's trying to get away! stop her!"

I got rugby-tackled by a mental condition. I'm just lucky I didn't get my neck broken in the process... .

[November_Rain]

Peas... .That is where I am at too. Maybe it's because we love them and want to have that person we fell in love with back so badly that we are willing to put up with all of the bad stuff.