What I have learned

[Knowingishalf]

Hello again everyone.

I have been back and forth here on this site regarding leaving.  Now I have finally made the decision that I think really is the best to leave.  I am still activating what I call my super mega ultra plan of leaving t-minus 19 days now for me.  I don't want to go in to that here tonight.  What I wanted to share is what I learned her mostly from the staying part of the boards.  I tried to stay over and over again and hung in there so so long, but there is a real secret.  The ones we love, the ones we stay with over and over through all the rages, abuse and insanity are really sick.  And it would take massive effort on their part to get better.  We can work to try to help them over and over again and again, I know I have.  The thing is it will take real effort on their part too.  There is the rub... .there is the kicker.  I found while I could use all the skills I learned here and through help, it was I who did all the bending.  I think the real lesson I learned here was I would either have to accept this was the reality or reject it.  Accept it I did over and over, but I think this is the real truth here for what I would say is a large number of us nons.  We will get tired, really really tired.  I am here to admit to you all, I am tired.  I am really exhausted.

Totally mentally and physically exhausted.  Once you see behind the curtain I think there is a real limit to how many times you can keep validating, and accepting they are disordered.  I think the real secret is unless you are the strongest person in the world they will exhaust you every single resource you have every single ounce of energy and they will be the same and your the one who changed again.  It is the secret they will take it all everything you have, or can do for them, every change you can make for them with they remain unbendingly broken.  This post isn't angry it is just from a finally worn down broken man. 

I see it for what it is, no matter the effort out it will never equal the results back in.  I found in all other aspects of my life the harder I worked at something the chance are a almost equal amount of result would follow.  I think the real theme I have seen in everything here is that no matter what you do they will drain you. I have finally hit my limit, I mean really she hit my limit she hasn't changed at all but I am forever.  I don't think I will ever enter a relationship again in my life and trust anyone or believe anyone's motives for a long long time.  So in the end she won, over and over again she won... .

Sorry everyone I failed.

[Ironmanrises]

Knowing,

You didnt fail.

You tried to love someone who is disordered.

That disorder doesnt allow them to love.

Literally.

They hurt those who are closest to them.

My Ironman suit could not protect me from my ex disorder.

At all.

She tore right through it.

Hang in there.

[DragoN]

Well written.

I think the real theme I have seen in everything here is that no matter what you do they will drain you. I have finally hit my limit, I mean really she hit my limit she hasn't changed at all but I am forever.  I don't think I will ever enter a relationship again in my life and trust anyone or believe anyone's motives for a long long time.

Right there with you knowingishalf.

I.Am.Done.

[Aussie0zborn]

10 out of 10 for making the effort. I could have written that myself and so could many others here so I'm sure we're all with you. Using the word "failure" doesn't mean you are a failure - given what we were dealing with I don't believe success was a realistic goal. I would call it "not successful" rather than a failure.

Now that you're clear about what happened and where you are at, you are free to start healing and that's a good thing. Good luck.

[Learning_curve74]

They say you can't make a dog quack or a duck bark; when you try, you only get tired and frustrated and the animal just gets pissed off.

Knowingishalf, you probably succeeded in trying your best. You didn't fail except in failing to recognize that she is not an automaton that reacts precisely in a set manner in reaction to your inputs. She was never yours to control; she is going to do what she is going to do, and you only failed to accept that. Just because you took steps to act different around her means she has to act different around you? No.

Don't fail yourself now by telling yourself a fairy tale that nobody is believable and trustworthy or that you'll never fall in love with somebody who can love you back in a healthy way. If you choose the path of self acceptance and healing, these things are all possible. Best wishes to you and a hug because you deserve one. 

[fiddlestix]

One of our worst enemies is the belief that we failed. Loving a disordered person and hoping for the same kind of love in return was, all along, a pipe dream.  Like said above, we can't teach a dog to quack or a duck to bark.  They simply are not wired that way.  I think my T said it was like trying to domesticate a raccoon.  They can be really cute and lovable, and even sweet.  But you will get bit and scratched.  It is guaranteed.  You might even get rabies and have your whole being infected. 

Celebrate that you can still love!  Poring love into the universe, without any expectations, is the highest form of spirituality!  Even if you were not loved back in the same way, celebrate that your love was real, that you are capable of real love!  And, it will be real again when a healthier person enters your life... .if that is what you choose.  Being single for a some time is not the worst thing in the world either  

Fiddlestix

[heartandwhole]

Knowingishalf,

This is a very honest and inspiring post.  Thank you for sharing with us.  I'm sorry that you feel so tired and defeated, that is so understandable.  I felt that way, too. 

You can make this very difficult choice knowing that you gave it your all, you did your best, and in my opinion, that is the definition of success, not failure. 

I'm sorry that you are in this position, but I'm glad that you are making yourself a priority.  Sometimes it seems that people think that if we leave the relationship, it means we don't/didn't love the pwBPD.  In my experience, nothing could be further from the truth. 

For me, I had to realize that becoming a "shell" of my former self was not going to "save" anybody from their pain, in fact, it was creating more.

Keep us posted as you navigate this new terrain.  We're here for you.