My husband hates my Family

[Cloudy Days]

I usually go see my family at least once a month and my husband always causes problems before we go, I mean while we are in the car driving to see them. He finds something to make me cry, every single time. It's obvious to me he doesn't want to have anything to do with them because of this.

My parents drink a lot, it's not something that I want to be around so we try to go out there more towards the day. Yesterday we went to see my grandma who is dying of cancer and my Uncle shows up (he lives with her unfortunately) and he's stinking drunk. My husband didn't say anything but once we left I have to hear about how he needs to have a talk with my Uncle. He wants to have a talk with my whole family about how they are disgusting drunks and need to clean their acts up.

Seriously, I've told him over and over again that I will not tolerate him causing problems in my family. They are going through a lot right now, I don't need him driving them away from me. Only a few years ago he drank heavily too. I am thankful that he doesn't drink any more. We don't go around them while they are drunk, but sometimes they drink early and I have no control over that. My Uncle on the other hand is just drunk at all times now, I have never wanted to be around him. He wants me to tell my grandma that we aren't going to go out there if my Uncle is drunk. That's a joke statement to me because my uncle is always drunk and it's not like my grandma has any control over it. I would never see her again if that happened. He's making a big deal out of this. 

I just don't know what to do about this. I tell him he doesn't have to go with me, but he always chooses to go with me. Then I have to hear about what he thinks of them on the way home. I'm sure it's why I see them so little as it is.

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[bpbreakout]

I'm glad you have a boundary about not tolerating him causing problems in the family. The drinking must be very difficult to deal with not to mention your grandmother's illness.

Is SO in part moral support for you when you go and visit ?

Not sure about the background but it sounds as if you might prefer to visit your family alone or maybe only take your SO very 2 or 3 times. Can you just go on your own let SO know once you have got there ?

[sadeyes]

I think I would work on trying to get to see your family alone. Maybe when your husb is busy with some time else. Then not share too much of the trip.

I think sometimes mine uses the faults of others to make himself feel better. He wants to take the attention off of him.

[Cloudy Days]

That's the thing he doesn't want me to go alone so he always goes with me. I have been by myself plenty of times but he's getting to where he won't let me go alone. I really don't know his actual reasons why. He's never busy I am usually the one that has things to do and we only have one car so that causes problems because if he is doing something then I am either with him or stuck at home.

I understand his hatred of my Uncle, I can't stand to be around the man. But my parents aren't as bad as he makes them out to be. I think sadeyes is right, he uses the faults of my family to make himself feel better I'm sure. This is a time that I need support, I am dealing with my grandma being ill and I used to be very close with her, before I met my husband. It makes me angry that I have to see her less because my husband doesn't want to be around my family. There are other reasons but I think I go out there less just so I don't have to deal with my husband getting irritated with my family. I just want them to get along and if he isn't around them then I don't have to hear about how much he doesn't like them.

[allibaba]

This is a time that I need support, I am dealing with my grandma being ill and I used to be very close with her, before I met my husband. It makes me angry that I have to see her less because my husband doesn't want to be around my family. There are other reasons but I think I go out there less just so I don't have to deal with my husband getting irritated with my family.

Hey there,

Sorry that he isn't supportive of you when you need him   I know a couple of very painful moments when I wanted my husband to be there for me and he just wasn't emotionally capable of it.  Its like wishing that a duck wouldn't quack and then being resentful when they do.

I think that its a slippery slope to go be around your family less so that you don't have to deal with your husband being irritated.  What I would probably do is step back... .ask myself how much I really want to see my family.  And then use SET to explain that to my husband (that is actually why I go away once every six months to see my dad).  If its once a week.

Maybe its

Husband, I love you and I really appreciate our time together.  I know that being around my family of drunks is frustrating to you.  Its really, really hard to see my parents and uncle drink all the time.  I love my grandma and I have always been close to her.  Unfortunately she is sick and I know that she won't be around forever.  Therefore I am going to go see her once a week going forward.  You are welcome to come but if you don't want to - I totally understand.

The other thing is that when he's in a good place you may want to ask why he doesn't like you going out to see them alone.  I suspect that it may be because he is trying to protect you from their bad and it comes out twisted. 

[Cloudy Days]

The other thing is that when he's in a good place you may want to ask why he doesn't like you going out to see them alone.  I suspect that it may be because he is trying to protect you from their bad and it comes out twisted. 

Yes, I think he is thinking this way. I personally don't understand what he thinks he is protecting me from. I grew up with these people, I feel comfortable around them. I know that he doesn't. I probably won't go out there every week because of time and money but I think I will plan on just taking a day to spend with my grandma and tell him that he doesn't need to come with me because he will be board. I think a part of all of it is that I am holding back to keep the peace. I choose not to go on some weekends because It's just easier not to but then I regret it because a week becomes a month. He can actually be very supportive and he pushes me to go out there, but when we actually go out there it's a chain reaction and he gets triggered every time. I end up being so emotionally overwhelmed by the time we leave, it just sucks.

[Hope26]

From what I am reading, this sounds like both controlling behavior and hyper-critical behavior.  If he weren't so  controlling, he wouldn't care if you go alone.  And I am wondering if these are typical BPD behaviors.  Do they feel they have to be around you all the time to keep you from leaving them?  And as somebody suggested, the criticism could be to keep him feeling better about his own insecurities.  I see these behaviors too in my spouse, though perhaps not to the same degree.  I would be interested in the opinions of others on this.