Surrounded and outnumbered.

[psychik]

My name is Psychik.  The option above only allowed for one family member with BPD, unfortunately I have several. I'm in my mid 40's my daughter is half my age.   After finding years ago that our daughter was heavily into drugs and away at college where we could do nothing about it, I went to a psychologist for help.  She performed a "family map" not the official name of it, but it showed her that my mother, sister and daughter all showed strong signs of BPD. 

I had always said they all three seemed to be similar, so not a shocker.  It was very upsetting to me to hear my daughter had something such as BPD.  I had already had the trauma of a mother with BPD, to think my daughter had it too was overwhelming.  The symptoms fit her to a T. After being kicked out of college, ruining her relationship with her dad, he disowned her, she then moved back home to me with the understanding that my husband and I would help her get medical certification and stay in school to move ahead in her career goal as a nurse. That blew up.  She moved out and is now all circled around in a group with my BPD mother and sister.  I of course, am the problem. 

My sister and I had not had a real relationship since my mother kicked me out of her house at the age of 17 until about 6 years ago.  For eight of those years prior she was absent from my life because my mother and I were not getting along, hence, my mother didn't want her to be around me.  My sister is 6 years younger than I am... .no one can comprehend why my mother would just not want a sibling to stay away from another. 

I had made peace with the past mother/sister BS mostly.  UNTIL, my sister and mother started pitting my daughter against me.  My mother hums when I speak.  She aggressively tries to keep people out of my life and breeds drama and contempt in every situation she is involved in.  Both my sister and mother have pled their cases to me about being jealous of me.  Like that is any type of excuse.  I finally told my daughter, it's her/mother or me.  I refuse to be involved in any situation my mother is involved with and now that my sister has crossed that forbidden line of coming between a mother and daughter, I'm done with her too. 

The lies.  The drama.  The stealing.  The crazy making projecting.  It's exhausting.  My therapist told me sometimes you have to just bless them and walk away.  How do you walk away from your child when it's hard enough walking away from the rest of them.   I hope talking to people and reading other's struggles and triumphs will help me make sense of any of it. 

To rehash all of this was   nauseating!  Better days ahead I hope!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[psychik]

Does anyone here have more than one member of their family with BPD?  How do you cope and deal with it? 

Is it even possible to deal and cope with it?

[Turkish]

My name is Psychik.  The option above only allowed for one family member with BPD, unfortunately I have several. I'm in my mid 40's my daughter is half my age.   After finding years ago that our daughter was heavily into drugs and away at college where we could do nothing about it, I went to a psychologist for help.  She performed a "family map" not the official name of it, but it showed her that my mother, sister and daughter all showed strong signs of BPD. 

I had always said they all three seemed to be similar, so not a shocker.  It was very upsetting to me to hear my daughter had something such as BPD.  I had already had the trauma of a mother with BPD, to think my daughter had it too was overwhelming.  The symptoms fit her to a T. After being kicked out of college, ruining her relationship with her dad, he disowned her, she then moved back home to me with the understanding that my husband and I would help her get medical certification and stay in school to move ahead in her career goal as a nurse. That blew up.  She moved out and is now all circled around in a group with my BPD mother and sister.  I of course, am the problem. 

My sister and I had not had a real relationship since my mother kicked me out of her house at the age of 17 until about 6 years ago.  For eight of those years prior she was absent from my life because my mother and I were not getting along, hence, my mother didn't want her to be around me.  My sister is 6 years younger than I am... .no one can comprehend why my mother would just not want a sibling to stay away from another. 

I had made peace with the past mother/sister BS mostly.  UNTIL, my sister and mother started pitting my daughter against me.  My mother hums when I speak.  She aggressively tries to keep people out of my life and breeds drama and contempt in every situation she is involved in.  Both my sister and mother have pled their cases to me about being jealous of me.  Like that is any type of excuse.  I finally told my daughter, it's her/mother or me.  I refuse to be involved in any situation my mother is involved with and now that my sister has crossed that forbidden line of coming between a mother and daughter, I'm done with her too. 

The lies.  The drama.  The stealing.  The crazy making projecting.  It's exhausting.  My therapist told me sometimes you have to just bless them and walk away.  How do you walk away from your child when it's hard enough walking away from the rest of them.   I hope talking to people and reading other's struggles and triumphs will help me make sense of any of it. 

To rehash all of this was   nauseating!  Better days ahead I hope!

Hi Psychik,

That is a lot of stress that you have dealt and are dealing with. I hope you can find some comfort and information here to help you with this, if even just to vent. 

When family members have BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system. Your struggle is especially difficult having multiple family members. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relatives, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

There is thought to be a genetic component to many BPD behaviors, but it is hard to correlate given the behavioral traumas that they experience, or cause. You grew up in the same household, yet do not have it while your sister probably does. My X has it, I am sure. I also suspect her older brother, and probably her father, too.

Has your therapist given you any good insight and tools to set boundaries with them? It sounds like you did well (as well as you could) for many years with your sister and mother. I empathize with your feelings towards your daughter, being a father myself and knowing that I may get to this point someday, BPD or not. We feel that we can't just "abandon" our children, can we? That is a very tough situation to be in, showing unconditional love while protecting yourself and the rest of your family.

You may find these boards helpful for you, as many senior members there may have gone through similar situations. There may also be members there currently going through something similar as you. I found it immensely helpful to post my own stories, even of day to day events, to get support from fellow members. Here is the link to one which may help you with your daughter:

Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board

I hope you can find some kind of peace when you come here, either to get information or if you need a "safe" place to share what you are going through.

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Turkish!

 I'm so sorry for all the trauma and drama going on for you.  It must be so exhausting.  I'm glad you are seeing a therapist.  I can imagine you need one just to keep your head on straight.  It's so important to take good care of yourself during times of high stress.  :)o you have any family to support you?  How is your daughter's father?  Are you still married?  

Wow,  I was looking for some links that I think would be helpful for you and it really just hit me... I mean really hit me how much you have to deal with.  I'm feeling so much sympathy for you.  I can't even imagine how exhausted and frustrated you must be.  I hope these links will inspire you to find some peaceful moments.

Positive entitlement--taking the initiative to share in life's riches

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

Believing in yourself

We have many people on this board who can empathize with you.  I hope you stay and post here.  You will find a lot of support and compassion.

-crazed

[psychik]

Thank you for replying to me and caring.  Talking to people about my "different" family is always tricky.  NO one around me understands.  The T I initially went to about my daughter's drug issues ultimately told me there was not much more she could do for me, other than to tell me it was not my fault.  She has moved away to another town. 

Two years ago, this time of year, (holidays rock) I went to another T.  I was in a really, really bad place then as this whole sister/mother/daughter scenario was just rearing it's ugly head.  I expected her to tell me I needed to take a drug induced nap for a couple of weeks in a happy place... .what she told me was my daughter did not have BPD, such a harsh diagnosis and that she was hurting and I should understand and feel compassion for her.  She thought I was a very angry person who needed to tell my feelings to an empty chair.  I took a closer look at her certificate on her wall and left feeling even worse.  She was a recovering addict and had mom issues, I know this because she talked about them often... .she told me she was afraid of me the first time she met me because I had such an angry look on my face.  Again, checked the certificate on the wall.  Decided I didn't need to talk to a therapist. 

So here we are at those stupid holidays.  Again.  Somedays I really want those drugs and happy place. 

My daughters dad is not in the picture since he disowned her.  I am remarried and my husband has been a stellar stepdad who grew up without BPD and struggles to wrap his head around it.   He is just as confused and hurt as I am. 

[Turkish]

Thank you for replying to me and caring.  Talking to people about my "different" family is always tricky.  NO one around me understands.  The T I initially went to about my daughter's drug issues ultimately told me there was not much more she could do for me, other than to tell me it was not my fault.  She has moved away to another town.  

Two years ago, this time of year, (holidays rock) I went to another T.  I was in a really, really bad place then as this whole sister/mother/daughter scenario was just rearing it's ugly head.  I expected her to tell me I needed to take a drug induced nap for a couple of weeks in a happy place... .what she told me was my daughter did not have BPD, such a harsh diagnosis and that she was hurting and I should understand and feel compassion for her.  She thought I was a very angry person who needed to tell my feelings to an empty chair.  I took a closer look at her certificate on her wall and left feeling even worse.  She was a recovering addict and had mom issues, I know this because she talked about them often... .she told me she was afraid of me the first time she met me because I had such an angry look on my face.  Again, checked the certificate on the wall.  :)ecided I didn't need to talk to a therapist.  

That's a bad rap, getting two lousy therapists in a row. All in all, there are incompetent people in every profession, and counseling often attracts people with issues of their own. One would think that the process would weed them out, but that is not always the case. Good catch on your part about the recovered one. I recently read story here by a member whose SO was herself a therapist. Behind closed doors, she exhibited many of the typical BPD behaviors (rage, emotional instability, abandonment issues, etc... .).

So here we are at those stupid holidays.  Again.  Somedays I really want those drugs and happy place.  

yes, the stupid holidays... .my X called me up and sang me happy birthday. Socially inept. Her way of apologizing to me? I had to answer because our son was with me. I will have to spend at least Thanksgiving around her family's table pretending to be happy, at least this year, for our two small children. I have at least two more weeks to get myself together. Christmas will be hard... .

My daughters dad is not in the picture since he disowned her.  I am remarried and my husband has been a stellar stepdad who grew up without BPD and struggles to wrap his head around it.   He is just as confused and hurt as I am.  

That is great that you have a wonderful mate to support you. I hope you can pass on some of the information here. If your husband has time, maybe he can look at some of the articles on his own while you engage on the boards for support and advice? It might help him, since you have past life experience with it that he doesn't. Maybe you and he will find this useful, similar to what your T said: Parents’ “Bill of Rights”

[peaceplease]

psychik,

  I would like to join the welcome wagon.  I am so sorry that you are polluted with BPD behaviors in your family.  When I first came here, it was for my relationship with my daughter, age 29.  She was 25 at the time.   I noticed that my son, age 31, also has some BPD traits.  He seems more like he has NPD like my ex-husband.    

My ex-husband is estranged from my children.  In fact, other than my ex-mother-in-law in nursing home, my kids no longer are in contact with that side of the family.

I am sorry that you have it right in your immediate family.  I would say the most important thing is to take care of yourself.  I am sure that it is so exhausting having your sister, mother, and daughter with BPD.   I am sorry that it was difficult rehashing it all here.  I can recall when I first came to this board how overwhelmed I was.  I was so happy to find such a board existed!  This site was/is very supportive to me.  You will find so much understanding, and  you are not alone.

 

What are you doing to take care of yourself?  

You have been given some good links and board suggestions.  There is a lot here!  Please let us know if there is anything we can help you find.

When you are ready post some more.  Or, you can just read, if you would like.  At your own pace... . We are here for you!

peaceplease

[psychik]

Again, Thank you all for being so nice!  I was anxious posting here.  One more thing, To be clear, my first T was a great help to me... .she helped identify lots of problems that in hind sight were clearly BPD tell tales and she gave me wonderful scripts to help me talk to my daughter when I had no idea what to say to her.  Clearly, the way we were communicating and still do to this day, does not work.  She also told me to get lost ( nicely) when there was nothing else to do but wait for my daughter to regroup.  NO sense in whining and crying when life is what it is.  She was a HUGE help to me. 

I lost those scripts over the years and recently remembered she used to always say to me... ."stick to the facts, leave emotional statements out of it... ."  GOLDEN words!  It really works! 

Tonight I found the Workshop of the day... .what do you know... .the same wonderful advice.  I'm printing two copies and saving it this time.  Thank you, thank you1

[crazedncrazymom]

Psycihk,

I think this is the best place you could possibly be right now.  I remember when I first joined.  I was so lost and alone because people just don't understand.  I also have had no luck with therapist.   Honestly I have gotten the majority of support and knowledge right here from this wonderful group of people.  I want to give you some links on communication that I think will be extremely helpful.  It really helped me communicate with my BPD daughter.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

Finally I would like to invite you to post on the Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board board.  Me and the other senior members will be there to welcome you and learn more about your story. I can't wait to see you over there!

-crazed