Back to say it's so much better when you get to the other side

[Changed4safety]

So often people who move on move on from these boards, because they are ready to move on from constantly thinking about BPD.  Just wanted to pop in and say please--keep the faith--keep going!  There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it is a bright, blazing, beautiful star.

Sick of rehashing my story, but suffice to say that things were bad.  There was choking involved, constant cheating, and a dependency on me that cost me about 100K.  I lost my father in December of 2011 and he had several episodes while I was at my father's deathbed and four days afterward, to get the attention back on him.   I left one weekend when he was out of town, recycled, moved 1,000 miles away and finally firmly ended things in December of 2012.  He made a plea to come back in April, I again said no, next day--dating someone else.  Three months later--found his "true soulmate."  Learned from friends he was doing all the rituals he did with me--introducing her to his music, his favorite books, food, etc. etc.  

The girl was prime victim--she'd had a secret marriage, lied to her family about it, and he turned out to be an abuser.  After trying to get one of my BPD's friends to have an affair with her (he refused) she turned to my BPD.  (I heard all this from the approached friend, when the you know what hit the fan and he (my friend) was worried about the girl's safety.)

Turns out they were "having fights every week" and on Halloween, when she lost her job and didn't feel like staying at a party, he made her walk home, alone, 33 blocks at night, saying she had "embarrassed him."  Now I have heard that he has hit her twice and choked her once.  Latest?  He called 911 after they had fight to have HER taken away for psychiatric examination for "fear of suicide" and posted about how all this was affecting HIM.  Irony--something similar happened to him six years ago, and he claimed it gave him PTSD.  

SOO GLAD that I am OUT of this!  He has learned nothing, he continues to be angry and violent, and I am doing GREAT.

I court myself.  I am finding interests long buried that I am exploring.  My work is taking off beautifully.  I sleep at night without nightmares.  Each day I find delight.  I no longer feel lonely, and am dipping my toes into the dating waters with my eyes wide open, looking for red flags, and enjoying the adventure.  My self esteem no longer hangs on what someone else says.  I have never been happier in my life, and the one regret I have is my Dad is not alive to see it.

Unless your BPD is actively in therapy and making progress, please GO!  it is HELL to stay, the final layer of Hell to leave, and absolute nirvana when you are finally out and your heart no longer yearns for this.  I never truly thought I would get to this place, but I am so glad.  

You deserve better.  You have much to give--give it to someone who is willing to learn and love and grow.  I made it out, and if I can, you can.  You can, and you will.  

And then you can turn your face up to the sun and feel the quiet joy that comes from honoring yourself and your integrity.  It will be worth it.  

[peas]

I think I am in the beginning stages of all you describe. It's like shackles being removed. For me, I went from bad to okay in what seemed like overnight. I woke up one morning recently, having kept myself in misery for five months straight, and I didn't feel sick and lonely. My gut didn't have that empty feeling that it had upon waking. For the first time since the breakup, I didn't miss my ex.

[love4meNOTu]

I really needed to hear this today. I've been in therapy for six months and I'm still releasing the guilt and anger (at myself) for getting married to my uBPxh.

Can you tell me how long it took to get to this point? I know everyone heals at a different rate, but it would be wonderful to put an x on the calendar when the pain will end.

Thank you so much for your post,

[HarmKrakow]

I really needed to hear this today. I've been in therapy for six months and I'm still releasing the guilt and anger (at myself) for getting married to my uBPxh.

Can you tell me how long it took to get to this point? I know everyone heals at a different rate, but it would be wonderful to put an x on the calendar when the pain will end.

Thank you so much for your post,

It's true though. You do raise a valid point. This process is for everyone completely different. I'm 13 months out (8 months officially).

I'm in a new town, with new work, new people i've met (awesome people), new hobbies, new shows I watch, other books I read, yoga, other sleep patterns to improve my sleep and going out for parties, seeing a girl, etc. The whole set is there! I've been in therapy since October 2012 which is going awesome! Been months on anti-depressants and sleeping medication to go through the worst times but since July this year off this crap! Awesome! And within a month I will have my last therapy session(!)

And still, detachment wise, i'm not 1 single day further than where I was 13 months ago... .   The intensity might have decreased from 100% to 99.75%. And believe me, i've tried everything to lower all the triggers to my ex. I even went to everything I did with her in the past to do that with another person to wipe of the memory, so there is less to think of.

But to no avail... .

And hence still here.

[Changed4safety]

It went in "chunks" for me.  Here's a sort of timeline:

May 4 2012: Fled my own apartment thanks to friends. 

Late May: Recycled, but still planned to move.

Late July: Moved. 

August-September: He was seeing other people, we were sorta/kinda done.  This went on for a while. 

October: Came back for a visit.  Was sort of hopeful we could try again in a sane, safe way.  He had a flipout in the car and threatened suicide if I didn't come back to him.  Freaking out myself, I agreed, and we slept together.  Weird visit.

October-December:  Sorta kinda on again.  He came to visit in December.  He was very kind, conscientious, definitely on his best behavior.  After sex one night I went into the bathroom and prayed to God that if i could get through the visit without a blowup, I would end things on the anniversary of my father's passing.  I just didn't want to be with him any more, I was panicky and frightened of him.

Mid-December: Kept my word and ended it.  Very very hard, lots of centering and prayers, he accepted it better than I thought.

December-April: Still emailing and texting, feeling wistful and a little sad but still adamant.  We were and are still on FB.

April: Got a "please come back to me" plea.  Still said no.  Hurt more for what I wished for rather than how I was feeling at the time.

Next day:  He's dating someone. 

June: He's dating someone else, and it kind of hurt to see him using all the same phrases on FB to her, the same memes and quotes.  I realized that we are really all just interchangeable to him. 

August:  They are "in a relationship."  I remember that it took him years to even acknowledge my existence to his family, and that hurt.  Got more details on the girl (which I posted above) when my friend texted me to ask how long it had been before BPD and I started having trouble.      

September: First word from my friend that there might be trouble in Paradise.  When I started hearing about this all I could think of was THANK GOD he hadn't reached out to me.  I truly felt like the Eye of Sauron had passed over me.  So grateful! 

I still think about him every day.  It's sad that all the good memories of him are bookended by some violent outburst.  It's his birthday... .when he choked me and threatened to kill me.  It's my birthday... .when he cheated on me.  It's this wonderful movie we shared... .after which he flipped out about something.  It's as if a light got turned on and I am really forced to see exactly how the relationship really was.  Which was just horrible and totally, 100% unacceptable.

I knew I had turned a corner when (until the most recent one, where my friend felt I should know) I told my friend to stop giving me the scoop on ex's and his current gf's relationship.  Friend said, "Of course, I just thought since you are out of it, you might find it all amusing."  I replied, "It's not funny, it's just sad.  Two lives, his and hers, ruined by this illness.  He's never going to get better unless he can really understand what it is he's doing, and I don't think he'll ever be able to face it.  He's intelligent, funny, and talented, and he's pissing his life away and taking others down with him." 

Now that the dust has settled on the latest, I'm going back to not reading his FB and not thinking about what's going on with him.  I feel pity for him, and hope he will once day grow, but I am no longer invested in any part of him.  It helps that even though he is nearly 20 years younger than me, I am aging better.   

[GreenMango]

  It's as if a light got turned on and I am really forced to see exactly how the relationship really was.  Which was just horrible and totally, 100% unacceptable.

\ Good for you Changed.  I'm really happy to hear things are moving forward in a positive way.  You deserved really good things in your life. 

[lightswitch]

Changed, that is awesome! Thanks so much for the positive update. We all need something to hope for. Without glimmers of hope, we feel lost. So thank you, and you certainly deserve this next, better chapter in your life!

[RecycledNoMore]

Cheating, choking, dying father, dumped on my birthday once too...

" We are interchangeable"

I long for the day when that statement dosent cut me to ribbons.

Thank you changed4 safety 

[Changed4safety]

Mango, thank you!  I appreciate every one of your posts to me over the last few years.  Thank you for the work you do here! 

FOG is such a great acronym.  I really was seeing something else than what everyone else was seeing. 

You are all very welcome--I know I clung to the occasional post that people would make after they had healed and moved on.  I gotta say I really didn't think I could be in that space.  But I could, I did, and I am!  Am am excited about having control over my own life, my own body, my own money, my own time.  It's WONDERFUL.

Special   to RecycledNOmore:  It used to rip me up as well.  Then I slowly began to understand that of course we are not interchangeable--it's his PERCEPTION that we are, and that perception is WRONG.  You will come to understand that too, and then like me, roll your eyes, shake your head, send blessings (if you are in that space) and let them go on doing their "thing" while you are over here with people who love and value you--first and foremost yourself.

I know I will never feel so betrayed and abandoned again, no matter what happens to me, because I now have an astonishing self-love that means I will never be alone.  That was the biggest  of all!

[smartwoman220]

I love this   


Great for you Changed!

[GreenMango]

Changed thank you for coming back and sharing how much different things are for you now.

It's huge because your particular story was very tough.  And when you mentioned that you didn't think you would ever be in that space is really a testament to yourself.

I hope you stick around for a little while and spread the word and your experience for others because that ray of hope is very important.

Congratulations again.

[Oliolioxenfree]

Its not the same for everyone but I definitely think as a rule of thumb its good to allow about 6 solid months of recovery and no dating as well and deep introspection to allow yourself to start feeling normal again.

I think it took me about 8 months total to have 0 feeling and finally reach indifference where i don't harbor anger, remorse, or any malcontent towards him. And honestly, its awesome.  I WISH MY uBPDexBF the best with my replacement, although if he sticks true to form things will be quite awful eventually. but who cares.  Im filing it under not my f****** problem haha.

[Changed4safety]

Bumping this, as many people have said they found it helpful.    I am giving thanks for finding the strength to leave the relationship and not get sucked back in, and to those of my friends who supported me through the long haul.  Also giving thanks to this board and the wise people on it!

Paying forward!

[redkong]

Thanks for sharing your story Changed - very helpful and encouraging to read.  Congrats to you as well for staying strong and taking care of yourself

[Kayvee]

So good to read this post! I am 3 months away from my BPD husband. Wondering if anyone has same positive story that has a child with their ex BPD? We have a one year old son so unfortunately I can't completely cut contact with him. It is fairly minimal though. 

I am going to a therapist and also acupuncture to deal with a few stress related physical ailments this has brought on.

Good to have a light at the end if the tunnel x