HOW does replacing so quickly actually work?

[DragoN]

My bet would be that 99.9 % do have replacements before they leave. They just would not leave before its secured. It is part and parcel to the disorder. They cannot under any circumstances be alone. If someone said their ex didn't I would then question if they actually knew the truth.

Seems mine may not have had quite enough time to set up his replacement, but he was also looking for a tax haven.

... there will simply be another ... you cannot fight the ocean and that is what this feels like - that there is an ocean of women for him to swim in (or is that with?) ... .

Let him go. There are millions of women he can swim with and better them than I.

Count yourself fortunate to not be married to him and with children. That would make it far more hellish.

[Turkish]

I made such a stink out of it to his family and he told them I was lying so now he can't bring her around.   Ha!  Makes me a little happy I made it difficult for him. Well maybe a lot happy![/quote]
nice one... .it's the little victories that give us satisfaction [/quote]
I  all but forced her to tell her mom,  considering her dad did it to her mom again last year.  no matter. I  would have smacked one of my kids if they did that... .  her family will never accept the guy,  and I  doubt she will bring anyone to them for years.  it would have to be a LTR  of which she is pretty much incapable,  based upon her history.  but with BPDs  you never know.  maybe the old rules are thrown out now,  who knows?

[Oliolioxenfree]

To answer the question originally posed it's easy because they bury their feelings.  Most people who overlap or jump into a rebound do so to bury their feelings and feel better about themselves .  They feel like ok if someone else is interested it MUST not be my problem and it must be the fault of the other party.  They don't learn a damn thing from their relationships but rather bury feelings and go on the rebound.  But like all rebounds those feelings come up and manifest in new ways with the new partners.  

It's a coping mechanism it has nothing to do with the one they left but rather their own insecurities of being alone.  Overlappers learn nothing and therefore they are doomed to repeat the mistakes over and over again.  It's easy because it's the cowardly way out, a way to avoid responsibility and the pain of doing the healing work it takes to look within and form healthy relationships.  They are disordered and it's the obvious and often most common outcome for them, to our detriment .  :)on't think it's you.  It hurts and that sucks because you feel like you meant nothing but know it's not true.  The faster they replace you and move on the more you had a hold on them , the more you triggered them.  You did mean something and your replacement will face the same fate.  Be thankful they set you free, and be thankful they showed you how disorder they are.  They just gave you closure

Never for a second be fooled by their ability to move on so quickly,  all it means is that they cannot be without your companionship and will run to the next victim who is there at the right time right place.   Overlappers learn nothing and one day your replacement may find that they are overlapped too.  That I promise

[Moonie75]

Knew a lot of that already, but needed to read it!

Thank you

[Turkish]

To answer the question originally posed it's easy because they bury their feelings.  Most people who overlap or jump into a rebound do so to bury their feelings and feel better about themselves .  They feel like ok if someone else is interested it MUST not be my problem and it must be the fault of the other party.  They don't learn a damn thing from their relationships but rather bury feelings and go on the rebound.  But like all rebounds those feelings come up and manifest in new ways with the new partners.  

It's a coping mechanism it has nothing to do with the one they left but rather their own insecurities of being alone.  Overlappers learn nothing and therefore they are doomed to repeat the mistakes over and over again.  It's easy because it's the cowardly way out, a way to avoid responsibility and the pain of doing the healing work it takes to look within and form healthy relationships.  They are disordered and it's the obvious and often most common outcome for them, to our detriment .  :)on't think it's you.  It hurts and that sucks because you feel like you meant nothing but know it's not true.  The faster they replace you and move on the more you had a hold on them , the more you triggered them.  You did mean something and your replacement will face the same fate.  Be thankful they set you free, and be thankful they showed you how disorder they are.  They just gave you closure

Never for a second be fooled by their ability to move on so quickly,  all it means is that they cannot be without your companionship and will run to the next victim who is there at the right time right place.   Overlappers learn nothing and one day your replacement may find that they are overlapped too.  That I promise

I second Moonie. That is an excellent summary I may save to read now and then. Thank you. If I were as juvenile as my x, I might even post it on FB... .I block her, but we have mutual friendsand some of her family, so probably not.

[maxen]

My bet would be that 99.9 % do have replacements before they leave. They just would not leave before its secured. It is part and parcel to the disorder. They cannot under any circumstances be alone.

after my w deceived me and left we had a horrible dinner to talk about reconciliation. during this dinner she said "i was content to stay in the marriage the way it was." my jaw hit the floor and shattered. so why did she leave? because she met someone else who opened the door for her to bolt.

[caughtnreleased]

To answer the question originally posed it's easy because they bury their feelings.  Most people who overlap or jump into a rebound do so to bury their feelings and feel better about themselves .  They feel like ok if someone else is interested it MUST not be my problem and it must be the fault of the other party.  They don't learn a damn thing from their relationships but rather bury feelings and go on the rebound.  But like all rebounds those feelings come up and manifest in new ways with the new partners.  

It's a coping mechanism it has nothing to do with the one they left but rather their own insecurities of being alone.  Overlappers learn nothing and therefore they are doomed to repeat the mistakes over and over again.  It's easy because it's the cowardly way out, a way to avoid responsibility and the pain of doing the healing work it takes to look within and form healthy relationships.  They are disordered and it's the obvious and often most common outcome for them, to our detriment .  :)on't think it's you.  It hurts and that sucks because you feel like you meant nothing but know it's not true.  The faster they replace you and move on the more you had a hold on them , the more you triggered them.  You did mean something and your replacement will face the same fate.  Be thankful they set you free, and be thankful they showed you how disorder they are.  They just gave you closure

Never for a second be fooled by their ability to move on so quickly,  all it means is that they cannot be without your companionship and will run to the next victim who is there at the right time right place.   Overlappers learn nothing and one day your replacement may find that they are overlapped too.  That I promise

I second Moonie. That is an excellent summary I may save to read now and then. Thank you. If I were as juvenile as my x, I might even post it on FB... .I block her, but we have mutual friendsand some of her family, so probably not.

I agree. It's funny how deep down we suspect this is what is happening, but it helps to read it to make it more real.  So thank you.  I think from the original question we can also ask ourselves:

a)if they cannot be alone it means that WE were the replacement at some point. How much do we know about THAT? I unfortunately have very little to go on.  He told me he'd been single for a while, but also kept mentionning ex girlfriends, so I obviously didn't believe what he said, or just didn't know WHAT to believe.

 

b)why are we so hurt by being replaced/cheated on/left for someone else? Having read a lot on these boards, that seems to be many people's breaking point... .I admit, for me it was a breaking point. I felt humiliated, when he cheated with two different women.  Then betrayed when he moved on to the replacement.  It's almost like it's worse than all other forms of abuse... .but why?

[Turkish]

To answer the question originally posed it's easy because they bury their feelings.  Most people who overlap or jump into a rebound do so to bury their feelings and feel better about themselves .  They feel like ok if someone else is interested it MUST not be my problem and it must be the fault of the other party.  They don't learn a damn thing from their relationships but rather bury feelings and go on the rebound.  But like all rebounds those feelings come up and manifest in new ways with the new partners.  

It's a coping mechanism it has nothing to do with the one they left but rather their own insecurities of being alone.  Overlappers learn nothing and therefore they are doomed to repeat the mistakes over and over again.  It's easy because it's the cowardly way out, a way to avoid responsibility and the pain of doing the healing work it takes to look within and form healthy relationships.  They are disordered and it's the obvious and often most common outcome for them, to our detriment .  :)on't think it's you.  It hurts and that sucks because you feel like you meant nothing but know it's not true.  The faster they replace you and move on the more you had a hold on them , the more you triggered them.  You did mean something and your replacement will face the same fate.  Be thankful they set you free, and be thankful they showed you how disorder they are.  They just gave you closure

Never for a second be fooled by their ability to move on so quickly,  all it means is that they cannot be without your companionship and will run to the next victim who is there at the right time right place.   Overlappers learn nothing and one day your replacement may find that they are overlapped too.  That I promise

I second Moonie. That is an excellent summary I may save to read now and then. Thank you. If I were as juvenile as my x, I might even post it on FB... .I block her, but we have mutual friendsand some of her family, so probably not.

I agree. It's funny how deep down we suspect this is what is happening, but it helps to read it to make it more real.  So thank you.  I think from the original question we can also ask ourselves:

a)if they cannot be alone it means that WE were the replacement at some point. How much do we know about THAT? I unfortunately have very little to go on.  He told me he'd been single for a while, but also kept mentionning ex girlfriends, so I obviously didn't believe what he said, or just didn't know WHAT to believe.

 

b)why are we so hurt by being replaced/cheated on/left for someone else? Having read a lot on these boards, that seems to be many people's breaking point... .I admit, for me it was a breaking point. I felt humiliated, when he cheated with two different women.  Then betrayed when he moved on to the replacement.  It's almost like it's worse than all other forms of abuse... .but why?

mine was in hermit mode when I  met her.  She was almost a  year it of a  horrible  short r/s  with some guy  she met who was the typical  punishment rebound from the ex  the tar before who broke her heart by leaving her. I  suspect she might cycle again too hermit mode to try and fix herself.

[maxen]

b)why are we so hurt by being replaced/cheated on/left for someone else? Having read a lot on these boards, that seems to be many people's breaking point... .I admit, for me it was a breaking point. I felt humiliated, when he cheated with two different women.  Then betrayed when he moved on to the replacement.  It's almost like it's worse than all other forms of abuse... .but why?

that's a really fundamental question. if we had parted on mutual terms it would have been horribly unhappy, but we would have had the dignity of honesty and it would not be like it is now. it's almost 6 months since she announced her deceit and drove away, and i'm scarcely a bit better. i'm in hell. part of it is the intense attachment i felt to my w (even when i wasn't happy), which was corollary to my small social network outside the marriage, so the loss of the marriage has pitched me in to a horrible isolation that i'm making only slow progress getting out of. you can put that down to my own attachment issues and fears.

but deceit, lying, cheating: it is humiliation, it is betrayal, and you don't have to come up with issues of your own to feel that way. it's not the sex: it doesn't hurt me knowing my w is having sex with her paramour. it hurts that she hid her heart and actions from me, it hurts waking up every morning for the past six months thinking that the woman who exchanged vows with me is in somebody else's life and apartment.

[Aussie0zborn]

... .Anyone have any ideas on what I need to post to get some attention? ... .

You need to appear as a sex starved wild girl. My stbx BPD wife was flirting with a guy on Facebook chats.  I was also logged into her account and was following these chats live as they were occurring.  She said things like,  "I have always been a real wild girl ;-)" , and "My husband doesn't like me chatting with men online because he knows what a wild girl I am". This went on for two weeks.  he finally plucked up the courage to ask her for sex and she responded by asking for a photo.  (All his Facebook photos were of his motorbike - no photos of him).  Boy, wasn't she surprised when I printed these chats out and offered to send them to her mother.

So. If that's the kind of attention you want, that's how you do it. (Yes, I do know that this is not what you really want, but that's how it's done).

[Iwalk-Heruns]

To answer the question originally posed it's easy because they bury their feelings.  Most people who overlap or jump into a rebound do so to bury their feelings and feel better about themselves .  They feel like ok if someone else is interested it MUST not be my problem and it must be the fault of the other party.  They don't learn a damn thing from their relationships but rather bury feelings and go on the rebound.  But like all rebounds those feelings come up and manifest in new ways with the new partners.  

It's a coping mechanism it has nothing to do with the one they left but rather their own insecurities of being alone.  Overlappers learn nothing and therefore they are doomed to repeat the mistakes over and over again.  It's easy because it's the cowardly way out, a way to avoid responsibility and the pain of doing the healing work it takes to look within and form healthy relationships.  They are disordered and it's the obvious and often most common outcome for them, to our detriment .  :)on't think it's you.  It hurts and that sucks because you feel like you meant nothing but know it's not true.  The faster they replace you and move on the more you had a hold on them , the more you triggered them.  You did mean something and your replacement will face the same fate.  Be thankful they set you free, and be thankful they showed you how disorder they are.  They just gave you closure

Never for a second be fooled by their ability to move on so quickly,  all it means is that they cannot be without your companionship and will run to the next victim who is there at the right time right place.   Overlappers learn nothing and one day your replacement may find that they are overlapped too.  That I promise

I second Moonie. That is an excellent summary I may save to read now and then. Thank you. If I were as juvenile as my x, I might even post it on FB... .I block her, but we have mutual friendsand some of her family, so probably not.

I agree. It's funny how deep down we suspect this is what is happening, but it helps to read it to make it more real.  So thank you.  I think from the original question we can also ask ourselves:

a)if they cannot be alone it means that WE were the replacement at some point. How much do we know about THAT? I unfortunately have very little to go on.  He told me he'd been single for a while, but also kept mentionning ex girlfriends, so I obviously didn't believe what he said, or just didn't know WHAT to believe.

 

b)why are we so hurt by being replaced/cheated on/left for someone else? Having read a lot on these boards, that seems to be many people's breaking point... .I admit, for me it was a breaking point. I felt humiliated, when he cheated with two different women.  Then betrayed when he moved on to the replacement.  It's almost like it's worse than all other forms of abuse... .but why?

In my case I found this out to be true. I thought the others were just replacing me and that I was the main one but what I found out I was just one in a string of many. He is Very good at making you feel special. He pulls put all the stops but in a way that doesn't make it feel over the top even though it really is.

I have now pieced together that he was working on me while in another relationship and he started working on others while with me. He loves that new admiration from a new source. He thrives on it. He eventually became immune to my supply. It just does not have the same effect over time as fresh new shiney supply.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

... .Anyone have any ideas on what I need to post to get some attention? ... .

You need to appear as a sex starved wild girl. My stbx BPD wife was flirting with a guy on Facebook chats.  I was also logged into her account and was following these chats live as they were occurring.  She said things like,  "I have always been a real wild girl ;-)" , and "My husband doesn't like me chatting with men online because he knows what a wild girl I am". This went on for two weeks.  he finally plucked up the courage to ask her for sex and she responded by asking for a photo.  (All his Facebook photos were of his motorbike - no photos of him).  Boy, wasn't she surprised when I printed these chats out and offered to send them to her mother.

So. If that's the kind of attention you want, that's how you do it. (Yes, I do know that this is not what you really want, but that's how it's done).

Oh jeez Aussie that had to of stung like nobody's business. I can't even imagine.

[arn131arn]

Eh moonie, I know you are right.

Seriously, if I wasn't so irritated with the whole situation it might even be funny.

Ex husband has new fiancee 56 days after our divorce. Talk about ridiculous... sounds like a life set up for a wondrous love story, does it not?

Impulsivity, he's got the corner on that market.

Poor girl won't know what's hit her until after she says her vows, and then the interrogation will begin. It's torture, pure torture being with him.

Oh and that other porn thing... .I'm not sure I have the flexibility.

Thanks for the laugh, I needed it!

It's crazy, AAAALLLLLLLLLLLL, my ex wants/ talks about is a a wedding and another baby.  That way she can trap the guy and make him take care of her while she "raises" the child all her life.  That's what she did to me, and some poor sap is going to buy into it while she starts to manipulate, devalue and triangulate.

She's entitled to be a stay at home mom.  I put the over/under 1 year, she's engaged (i take the under), and with a bun in the oven... .

[Aussie0zborn]

Oh jeez Aussie that had to of stung like nobody's business. I can't even imagine.

There were other issues that stung more like stealing my cheque book with the intention of forging my signature, this was just a little one and one of many that I was monitoring and adding to my arsenal of reasons to leave. I did leave and so its a crying shame I went back for TOTAL DEVALUATION.

[maxen]

If I was to come across a married woman who told me she was desperately unhappy in her marriage I would suggest she rings me once she is divorced.

that's becuase you have moral development. the other party in my situation was a full participant in my w's deceit.

[damage control]

To answer the question originally posed it's easy because they bury their feelings.  Most people who overlap or jump into a rebound do so to bury their feelings and feel better about themselves .  They feel like ok if someone else is interested it MUST not be my problem and it must be the fault of the other party.  They don't learn a damn thing from their relationships but rather bury feelings and go on the rebound.  But like all rebounds those feelings come up and manifest in new ways with the new partners.  

It's a coping mechanism it has nothing to do with the one they left but rather their own insecurities of being alone.  Overlappers learn nothing and therefore they are doomed to repeat the mistakes over and over again.  It's easy because it's the cowardly way out, a way to avoid responsibility and the pain of doing the healing work it takes to look within and form healthy relationships.  They are disordered and it's the obvious and often most common outcome for them, to our detriment .  :)on't think it's you.  It hurts and that sucks because you feel like you meant nothing but know it's not true.  The faster they replace you and move on the more you had a hold on them , the more you triggered them.  You did mean something and your replacement will face the same fate.  Be thankful they set you free, and be thankful they showed you how disorder they are.  They just gave you closure

Never for a second be fooled by their ability to move on so quickly,  all it means is that they cannot be without your companionship and will run to the next victim who is there at the right time right place.   Overlappers learn nothing and one day your replacement may find that they are overlapped too.  That I promise

This is a powerful post. And I want to believe it. Most of it rings so true - not learning anything, fear of being alone being the reason etc ... but some of it feels like a panacea for my hurt ego (and I don't mean any disrespect to your words in saying that). I WANT him leaving to mean that I meant 'too much' or got 'too close' and in a way, yes I did ... but only in the sense that I 'wanted' too much ... that is a very different thing.

[Turkish]

If I was to come across a married woman who told me she was desperately unhappy in her marriage I would suggest she rings me once she is divorced.

that's becuase you have moral development. the other party in my situation was a full participant in my w's deceit.

Good ole maxen... .blowing away the fog to expose the core truth.

I had the chance to "rescue" a waif at work just before I met my ex. She and her husband were separated (I think he started having affairs, she desperately tried to rescue the marriage, even getting breast enhacement due to lack of self-worth... .there was nothing wrong with her, a good looking woman in shape). They were still living in the same house, but in the divorce process. Despite several not so subtle hints dropped to me (even all but asking for me to take her away for the weekend), I let it go (I did take her for a short ride on my motorcycle once during lunch work hours, but that was it). I just thought it was wrong, separated or no, they were still married. I may have pursued it later after she moved out (which took months), but by then I was with my ex. That is all aside, of course, the obvious dysfunction of engaging with a severely damaged and hurt woman.

[Oliolioxenfree]

[/quote]
This is a powerful post. And I want to believe it. Most of it rings so true - not learning anything, fear of being alone being the reason etc ... but some of it feels like a panacea for my hurt ego (and I don't mean any disrespect to your words in saying that). I WANT him leaving to mean that I meant 'too much' or got 'too close' and in a way, yes I did ... but only in the sense that I 'wanted' too much ... that is a very different thing. [/quote]
No offense taken damage_control.  I appreciate your feedback.  What I have found in those who are not disordered is that the quicker they replace you (Usually) the stronger the unresolved feelings they have that need to be buried, because if someone needs an emotional airbag (YOUR REPLACEMENT) while still in a relationship you had better believe they are expecting a pretty hard landing and dont want to deal with it.

This may not apply across the board to disordered individuals because they operate on a different mental plane apparently.  Id like to think that at some point we were loved, but then we triggered them.  The triggers are based on childhood hurts by a parental figure who were the most important people in their lives, and somehow we've elicited those feelings in them, which means they must have held us close to their heart in some way.

Its really hard to NOT take things personally.  But try not to, and take comfort in knowing that as sure as the sun rises in the east, your BPD ex , whether they are disordered or not HAS NOT CHANGED.  How can they when they jump so quickly onto the next? They have not  taken the time to process and learn anything and the next replacement will suffer the same treatment. 

I have seen this so many times imanifest in other relationships.  Girl meets guy, guy overlaps and cheats on girl and leaves for the replacement, the replacement gets a life of hell.

Sometimes it may appear like the replacement gets more but I assure you that wont stay consistent.  They may ignore red flags (just like we did!) or may have some serious issues of their own and be just as disordered.  Just know that these relationships are not blessed and will eventually erode from the inside out.  It may take years, some get married, some last for decades but what you see on the outside is not a mirror of the inside.  You lived it and know the illusion.   

People don’t just change from a douchebag with one person to a prize peach with the next one. It doesn’t happen. Especially not with pwBPD.  No way in hell.