Do you ever wonder ?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex had a replacement set up before we ended ... . Do you ever wonder if that replacement will be the one she can have happiness with ? Or do you pretty much know that a person that you think has BPD just will cause the same chaos , jealousy and push/pull antics ? I am juts a little down today ... . I realize the hell she put me through at times ... . but it makes me feel pretty down knowing that a person that acted like you were everything to her just flips .   

[Fool for Love]

My ex had a replacement set up before we ended ... . Do you ever wonder if that replacement will be the one she can have happiness with ? Or do you pretty much know that a person that you think has BPD just will cause the same chaos , jealousy and push/pull antics ? I am juts a little down today ... . I realize the hell she put me through at times ... . but it makes me feel pretty down knowing that a person that acted like you were everything to her just flips .   

[GreenMango]

I think the "happiness" you speak of is relative.

BPD tends to be a pervasive pattern across many relationships and areas of life.  It may be that this next person is okay with the dynamic of the relationship.  They may have some different relating styles that jive well. Those behaviors might not bother them. 

The most important thing is how it didn't work for you.  It sounds like  you wanted some stability.   It's real easy to get caught up in the comparison and beat your self esteem down thinking of her being happy with someone else when it's more complicated than her picking someone else.  Your values matter

One way to detach -Step one of the detachment lessons (right margin) is acknowledgment.   Looking at what happened and how that conflicted with your values and how you felt from the experiences.

Did you notice things that happened that made the relationship unhealthy?

[Cimbaruns]

Fool for Love

I personally believe that they most likely will never be able to have a "whole" and healthy relationship with anyone... .

I was a replacement for a previous gf ... . and mine just left me for both that former person as well as someone brand new!

We broke up 3 times over the course of 4 years and she recycled ( or should I say ... . made an attempt)with the ex ... . more than once... . and lied about it when confronted

Unfortunately they are master manipulators and will lie in order to be able to recycle and/or move onto someone new... .

It is mind boggling how they can flip like a switch from even moment to moment... .

I was told in the span of hours ... . how much she cared and loved me... . and then. "I can't be with you anymore... . "

I'm sorry that you're feeling so down... . it's so hard to be in this place and try and make sense of something that just cannot be understood... .

Hang in there FFL... . we are all here to listen... .

[Ironmanrises]

Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. BPD is a cycle of behavior. You experienced that behavior. The person before you experienced what you experienced. The person that was lined up before your relationship ended WILL experience what you went through. You will see. My replacement will/is experiencing that right now. How do I know? I experienced her behavior in friendship. And in 2 separate rounds of a relationship. Same disgusting behavior. Same awful ending. My exUBPDgf via a cousin of hers(in disguise) sent me a friend request on facebook(I am blocked on facebook by my ex). A few days later, posts she is in a relationship with my replacement. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what is really going on here. Friend request was sent out to determine what I am up to without me knowing it is her. Why? She knows her relationship will end. So that request was sent to determine whether I will be used as the fallback option for when that scenario occurs. She needs to know my current standing to successfully carry this ___ out. All a part of her cyclic behavior. Does my replacement know she sent me that friend request in disguise? You can bet your bottom dollar he has NO CLUE. Once he starts getting the full devaluation treatment, she will most likely begin to repaint me as "white" to him. Just like she once did with me in the same way she once painted previous ex's "black" while I was in idealization and then painted those same exe's as "white" once I was being devalued. It will be no different with my replacement. I can see all of this so clearly. What a disturbing and sad reality.

[Popcorn71]

Yes, I wonder this too.

But I think that eventually this new relationship of my exBPDh will end badly.  Either that, or it will last but he will be unhappy.  I know he is with the replacement because he didn't want to be alone, not because she is somebody he really wanted to be with.  He told me this himself.  She was just in the right place at the right time.  Just like I was when he met me.

BPD tends to be a pervasive pattern across many relationships and areas of life.  It may be that this next person is okay with the dynamic of the relationship.  They may have some different relating styles that jive well. Those behaviors might not bother them.  

I agree with this and in my case, I think this may be something that causes my ex's new relationship to last for a long time.  The replacement just so happens to come from a culture where a woman puts her man first and he is totally in charge of their life.  The woman is very much dependent on the man and has no real life of her own.  I think this will work well for him as that is exactly how he tried to make our life but this wasn't possible with me.  Therefore, whatever he thinks of her, he will be getting what he wants from her and will 'love' her because of that.  I believe he stopped 'loving' me as soon as he realised he wasn't going to get total control of me.

So, I wouldn't take it personally (even though I know from experience that it is hard not to).  It may work out for your ex or it may not.  But either way, I am beginning to think that anyone with BPD will never be happy, even in a lasting relationship.

[woodsposse]

My ex had a replacement set up before we ended ... . Do you ever wonder if that replacement will be the one she can have happiness with ? Or do you pretty much know that a person that you think has BPD just will cause the same chaos , jealousy and push/pull antics ? I am juts a little down today ... . I realize the hell she put me through at times ... . but it makes me feel pretty down knowing that a person that acted like you were everything to her just flips .   

I'm positive the other replies will pretty much say the same thing (I hadn't read through them yet).

I never wonder if the replacement will be the one she can have happiness with.  Unless they get serious help - the pattern and cycle will start all over again. The r/s will be froth with chaos and dysfunction and ultimately will give them all the ammo they need to justify doing it again and again and again. 

Yes, she put you through hell.  And lined up someone else because either you were at the end of your rope and had nothing left to give... . or because she knew you were at the end of your rope and had nothing left to give.

It is a horrible paradox.

If we were at a place in the beginning of the r/s to not put up with the nonsense, they wouldn't have stayed around and would have cycled out early - or we just wouldn't get involved with it and walked away ourself.

By staying, we just set up to be the push/pull... . and in having it anger and frustrate us - we become the blame as to why they want to leave.  But when the replacement doesn't work, they want to come back to us for more... . and we fall for the words and they come back and the pattern starts all over again.

Mourn the loss of the relationship you had which never was... . learn what is in you which allowed this to happen and learn what is in you to be happy - then go forward and be happy.

The closure you need is knowing you will never have closure.  it is tempting to pick up the phone, try one more time, find a better way to say what you are trying to say because this time she may get it and a lightbulb goes off and you will be happy.

But without  serious help - they can't get it.  it isn't that they wont... . they can't.

It took me a long time to understand that concept.

It's like telling someone who is colorblind to describe what blue looks like.  They can't.

[winston72]

Some great posts... . good reading.

FFL, I just read your prior posts.  It is difficult to see clearly when we are heartbroken and hurting, but perhaps take a moment to read your first post again.  Common sense, let alone BPD, will tell you this woman is not going to spontaneously erupt into a stable romantic partner.  Good grief!  There is nothing to indicate any possibility of that outcome, so have no fear that she will be sailing into the sunset in marital bliss.

As you start to digest that reality, and again read your post and think about the facts of what happened between the two of you, start thinking about why you ended up in that relationship... . and how/why you still have a difficult time sorting it all out.

Take a good look at the five stages of attachment on the side of this page.  They are pretty simple, but profound.  Good stuff that produces benefits over and over.  I am also going to copy a link to a really helpful article on the break up of such a relationship.

FFL, I have been in the same spot as you as have thousands, or tens of thousands of people who have passed through this site over the years. These articles and recommendations are the fruits of the collective suffering, recovery and wisdom of all these people.  Some great stuff here.

My brain saw the dysfunction in my relationship, but my heart and imagination were really hard to convince!  It is a very common issue in the aftermath of such a relationship.  But there is a real path to understanding and healing.

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder [NEW]

[dansure]

I totally agree GreenMango and Popcorn71. It is not important if they are happy together or not. Maybe he is different from you and is ok with this kind of relationship. What's important is that you were not happy with here and that the relationship went so bad that you came to this board to figure out what the heck happened.

I personally never wondered. I think she is dating a guy from her own country by now and I know most of these guys here... . they do everything for their girlfriends as long as they stay with them because they are so desperate to have a girl. So if they are happy together, I wouldn't care because if he accepts her crazy behaviors that's his own problem. I don't want to have a relationship like this. I rather stay single than dating her.

But I know it's sometimes hard to accept and you start wondering if it was you who made her act that crazy. Mine actually told me that she never acted like that before and that I bring out the worst in her.

But then I thought about her behaviors that I hated.

- Breaking up over every argument. Will that change? No, why would it? It seems to be her solution to every problem, it doesn't matter if its me or the next guy. That said, of course she will start doing that after the honeymoon period.

- Impossible to have a rational conversation with her. Why would she suddenly become someone who can fellow logical reasoning when it come to a relationship? I don't think she even has the ability to do that. So that won't change either.

- She never stood up to me. Because she was scared that the people from her country would judge her for dating a foreigner she never wanted anything to be on social media about and never had any thing in her room or so that indicated that she has a bf. Looking at her FB page now there is still nothing about her bf. So she didn't change that either.

- She lied about many things. So will she suddenly become an honest person? Why would she? Did she swallow some honesty pills? So he needs to deal with her lies now.

- She was tactless. She told me many times that she doesn't have anyone in her life and she sometimes thinks it would be better to kill herself. Yeah she said that to her bf instead of saying that she is happy that I am in her life. Will she suddenly not be depressed anymore? I doubt it, she will still be like that when she feels pressured. If he is ok with that that's up to him.

- Towards the end of the relationship she was impulsive. She brought take away food home and came to hours too late. I already ate... . and she got angry. So angry that the food ended up on my persian carpet, because she felt that I am threatening her when I wanted to kick her out because she wanted to break up with me over the fact that I already ate. Will she now suddenly act like a normal person would do with the new guy? Why would she? Did someone give her some magical medicine to control her anger?

I could continue. My ex didn't show off this behaviors during the honeymoon stage, otherwise I wouldn't have dated her of course. Back then she told me everything I wanted to hear and acted as she loved everything I say and do. But it came eventually. So maybe the honeymoon stage will last longer with the new guy. But all those traits about her that I hated will show themselves eventually. Because as I said, nothing happened between the time that we were dating and they are dating that would change them. And once she starts to behave like that it's really up to her new bf if he can accept that. He might and maybe they will get married. But then I just feel sorry for that guy that he rather stays in this relationship than looking for a normal girl with whom he can have a nice and normal relationship... just like I did until we finally broke up.

[nownotsure]

My ex had a replacement set up before we ended ... . Do you ever wonder if that replacement will be the one she can have happiness with ?   

My ex already had her replacement lined up while we were still living together and I didn't even know until after I ended things. Supposedly the replacement was offering to provide her a free ticket through life, whereas I was getting fed up with paying her way. So it's kind of like a toddler in a candy store, they'll drop whatever's in there hands the minute they come across something they think is better.

IMHO, if the replacement has healthy boundaries, neither will be happy. Often the past is a perfect predictor of the future.

[nownotsure]

If we were at a place in the beginning of the r/s to not put up with the nonsense, they wouldn't have stayed around and would have cycled out early - or we just wouldn't get involved with it and walked away ourself.

By staying, we just set up to be the push/pull... . and in having it anger and frustrate us - we become the blame as to why they want to leave.  But when the replacement doesn't work, they want to come back to us for more... . and we fall for the words and they come back and the pattern starts all over again.

I just wanted to comment that the above is almost word-for-word what my T told me.

[Fool for Love]

Here is the crazy thing , we separated because she was freaking out... well next thing you know she has this guy , but they actually met before we separated...   But of coarse she said this guy was just a friend... First of the year her and I start talking again and  she asked if I would come see her... . she lived 3 hrs away ... . I did and we talked ... . I stayed at a hotel and all we did was talk... The next weekend she asked me to take her out of town... . dumb me agreed ... . So ... We were coming back into town and this guy pulls up beside us in his truck... I didn't know what was going on , that's when I was told that she really has been seeing this guy ... I was like what the heck ! So , I left ... . She told him that nothing happened ... . I was like , out of town for 3 days with someone you was in a relationship with and you think nothing happened ... . Ok ... . After the trip ... . she blocked me from the phone and everything... . I sent her an email asking to send my belongings to my work... . She replied with the "confused " bs ... . well , she was at the airport when he went trough her stuff and seen the email. He emailed the both if us and said he was done , bla bla bla... . told you if you ever contacted him again I am out... . Of coarse she came running to me ... . I got sucked back in... . Then she told me not to contact her again after I spent the weekend with her ... . So that's when I called the guy and found out she seen him for the first time the night before my birthday ... . I was stunned ... . I was up there for 3 dys after my birthday ... . didn't even know about this... . That's why the fight we had she was so easy to leave... . It doesn't stop there ... . so after I talked to the guy on the phone ... . He once again told her to go to hell... . Once again dumb a"" me ... . she called and begged me to come up... she needed me ... she was sorry ... . All along I am a will participant in my own destruction... . He had a guy follow us when I was up there ... this was a couple weeks ago ... . She said she was sorry and wanted us to work on us ... . The next thing I know she is asking me to leave again and not contact her ... My smart side of my brain once again can't believe the dumb part of my heart ... . Well... After I left she went back with him... . So ... . she cheated on me with this guy ... . she cheated on this guy with me ... . This guy has only known her for a couple of months ... . He took her back... . But I bet his snooping and asking who she is texting and stuff will get old... I thought about this the other day that we would have stayed together I could never trust her and always be worried ... . I be the will start thinking also ... . It's a lot of energy to substation her emotions... And he also lives about 2.5 hours away from her ...

[nownotsure]

Here is the crazy thing , we separated because she was freaking out... well next thing you know she has this guy , but they actually met before we separated...   But of coarse she said this guy was just a friend  <snip>  Well... After I left she went back with him... . So ... . she cheated on me with this guy ... . she cheated on this guy with me ... . This guy has only known her for a couple of months ... . He took her back... .

If you read enough on this board, you'll find most of us here have been blindsided by the fact our ex had a replacement lined up within days of the breakup. Sadly, they often leap, without even looking, into an even worse relationship than they had with us. I suspect that's why they often end up back on our doorsteps.

Also don't beat yourself up over what's happened. They tend to be such good liars that one never truly knows what's going on unless there's a royally slip up.

[restoredsight]

My ex had a replacement set up before we ended ... . Do you ever wonder if that replacement will be the one she can have happiness with ? Or do you pretty much know that a person that you think has BPD just will cause the same chaos , jealousy and push/pull antics ? I am juts a little down today ... . I realize the hell she put me through at times ... . but it makes me feel pretty down knowing that a person that acted like you were everything to her just flips .   

I had my first break up Nov 2010. We got back together June 2011. In the interval, she dated at least 4 people, got engaged to one of them, left him a month afterwards. We remained together until 3 weeks ago. We have an 8 month old boy together and we got married on Dec 31st, just a month before she left me and presumably just started a new relationship. I don't know. I'm not digging.

My wife has been a waifish type, and this has been the longest relationship that she's ever maintained. I have no idea where she may fall on a spectrum, she's undiagnosed and she appeared to be mostly symptom free for the majority of our last relationship. I honestly have no idea what's happened, or whether she and I are done. She says she is, but there have been some conflicting actions and words. 

I'm feel like I'm dying here, and I wasn't regularly berated, threatened, or anything like that before the breakup, but the breakup was messy, with her and her parents taking my child and leaving me a penniless wreck. Just like last time, but this time with a marriage certificate and an innocent baby in the mix.

I'm just putting it out there that even if the the relationship survives for a while it's unlikely to be a happier ending.

[woodsposse]

If we were at a place in the beginning of the r/s to not put up with the nonsense, they wouldn't have stayed around and would have cycled out early - or we just wouldn't get involved with it and walked away ourself.

By staying, we just set up to be the push/pull... . and in having it anger and frustrate us - we become the blame as to why they want to leave.  But when the replacement doesn't work, they want to come back to us for more... . and we fall for the words and they come back and the pattern starts all over again.

I just wanted to comment that the above is almost word-for-word what my T told me.

Wow.

I guess I do know what I'm talking about.  That is odd that I have to admit that.  After living with my ex for all these years I began to wonder if my logic actually made sense.  Thank you for validating.  I cant tell you what that means to me.

[blue_skies_ahead]

[/quote]
I agree with this and in my case, I think this may be something that causes my ex's new relationship to last for a long time.  The replacement just so happens to come from a culture where a woman puts her man first and he is totally in charge of their life.  The woman is very much dependent on the man and has no real life of her own.  I think this will work well for him as that is exactly how he tried to make our life but this wasn't possible with me.  Therefore, whatever he thinks of her, he will be getting what he wants from her and will 'love' her because of that.  I believe he stopped 'loving' me as soon as he realised he wasn't going to get total control of me.[/quote]
I don't know my replacement personally but feel she's playing a role (or she really could be submissive but based on what I do know, I don't think so) and as my exmonster said, "[she]gives him something I never could" by allowing him to lead her around by the nose ... . For now, anyway. 

I wish I could stop thinking about this crap.  I feel like I'm never going to get on with my life some days.

[In_n_Out]

It is mind boggling how they can flip like a switch from even moment to moment... .

I was told in the span of hours ... . how much she cared and loved me... . and then. "I can't be with you anymore... . "

I've floated between the Leaving and the Undecided boards for the past couple of weeks now and had just wandered over to this side to read some things and this really stuck out for me.  I'm in the umpteeth recycle with my dBPDxgf and during the past week she has spent every day with me, broken up with my replacement (supposedly), gave me the same "I will always love you, I never stopped loving you... . " speech one day and then hours later we're meeting and she's telling me that she has to work on herself and that she can't have any "distractions".  That lasted all of 2 hours with my sobbing like a beat puppy (yet again) only to find her at my doorstep again.

I can say without a doubt that she is still talking to my replacement and she's probably been on his doorstep too or will be at some point very soon.  If you listen carefully enough, they will give you those little clues: "I don't know what is going to happen between you, him or with me".  Actually, that's pretty blatant; the door is left open for me, him and her to do as she pleases.

[Inside]

Fool for Love – glad you’re ‘here’ (aren’t these folks great )! 

I’m likely in agreement with most, as well, though also haven’t finished reading every post yet.  With my exuBPDgf we so often got back together we’d actually ‘compare notes’ on our experiences with others.  Where I had a very tempting, though slow-motion relationship started with a healthy woman, with lots (far more than with my BPDgf) in common – BPDex had targeted a crazy alcoholic; a guy 15 years older than her (surrogate ‘Dad’ I’m told); and a married friend of mine!  And though I had concluded the woman I was seeing wasn’t for me, and we’ve remained respected friends (this entire group being a network of friends in which I’d been introduced to my BPDgf), BPDex left her guys in a heap!

A ‘high-functioning’ form of nuts …she’d basically admit to me she can’t do relationships.  – Nearly forgot - she’d also described being ready to marry a 4th guy(!) during one of our breakup periods so he could become an ‘American citizen,’ admitting she had no ‘love for him.’  I even watched her target my Brother the few times we’d been around him!  They are unstable to the core and ultimately incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship.  Hell, she can’t even get along with her mother (Dad’s passed) – brothers, and most of the time – her sons!  She’s pissed-off and isolated co-workers …and if it weren’t for her constant (female) boss-butt-kissing, wouldn’t have a job (the only solid in her life).

I’ve often wondered how many more ‘of us’ there are out there as compared to ‘them?’  No wonder ‘their’ online forums and boards are dead compared to this one!  Imagine how many people they’ve screwed over in life   I suspect the ratio is around a dozen to one of ‘us to them.’  All they’re expert at is capturing the prize …for a very short segment of time, because they obviously can’t keep it…

Yes, you’ve also been left in a heap.  Shows you how little empathy or love they have - about zero.  I think they also get off on inflicting pain.  Mine would actually ‘light up’ while recounting having left some guy (no doubt in a heap) – and ‘how much better it felt’ when she ‘did the leaving.’  She actually kept score – and could/ would occasionally recount how it ended with some guy, either him leaving her – or generally vice versa.  Once my favorite color – I’d apparently gone colorblind when it came to the  's I’d missed in that botched relationship! 

‘Bed’ was likely as good as it got …but even that got cold.  I’d been married for nearly 30 years; BPDx has two sons from different fathers, having married only one, after getting pregnant of course – married in the Church of Elvis in Vegas!  Though they apparently tried … her husband ended up secretly living in the basement of the building he worked at as they apparently couldn’t live together …and have been long divorced.  – They can’t do it, with you, or your replacement.  Don’t feel bad - it’s not you – it’s BPD

[Inside]

Mourn the loss of the relationship you had which never was... . learn what is in you which allowed this to happen and learn what is in you to be happy - then go forward and be happy.

Perfect, thank you

[woodsposse]

Mourn the loss of the relationship you had which never was... . learn what is in you which allowed this to happen and learn what is in you to be happy - then go forward and be happy.

Perfect, thank you

My pleasure.  :-)

[Happy1]

My exuBPDgf has been married for 19 yrs. to my replacement. Another poster here mentioned that maybe they find someone else who is a better match or has a different personal style or perspective that allows them to match up better, or something…

I knew she had my replacement waiting in the wings. She even said to me before one of our last fights, "XXX came up to me today at work and out of the blue he said to me, 'YYY I want to marry you.' He thinks I'm the 'coolest' person for some reason... ?" So, when we fought a few days later, I knew she was going to run to him and try to charm him to death. She ultimately did too. However, I then had a perfect opportunity to go NC and to stay NC. In my mind, I figured, "You've got him now, what do you need me for?" So, I let her reap what she sew'd so to speak.

Later she moved away and he followed her. He's got whole existence got wrapped up into her's (in other words, he lost his identity to become enmeshed with her). He works while she now plays. I'm sure it's just a "great" relationship for them both.

There was a time I wished it would all fail for her, but this guy is so complicit and after 5-10-19 yrs. what is he going to do? If this doesn't work and turns out to be a big sham for him, he's waste a ton of time. So, I'm convinced (because I knew him too) that he's just in it now so, that he doesn't have to start all over, no matter how he's treated. If this didn't work out for him, he'd be just as broken as I was, if not worse. So, again, he'll just take it and ride it out. Sad, so sad. But like my counselor told me, "People don't stay in relationships if they're not at least getting some needs met." So, there must be something there for him.

As for her. I've said it here before, "She's just playing 'make believe'." Trying to hide and camouflage herself to the rest of the world as best she can. Trying to appear normal. But she gives it away, because for those of us who know about her, she appears just a little too together/hip/cool. Just a little too picture perfect. Hence my analogy that she's "playing doll house" like all little girls do. She's got all of the "set pieces" (the husband, the kids, the wonderfully restored house, two BMWs in the drive, etc.) just how she always wanted it to be FOR HER, to heck with anyone else's wants or needs. I bet if you asked him, he'd say, "After all of these years, I wished me and my wife were yet somehow closer than we are…"

[love4meNOTu]

I don't consider my replacement and my exhusbands relationship and I will tell you why.

I believe that I am just a replacement. So the cycle continues, with my ex h never trusting or loving anyone. I don't believe any more that he loved me, and I don't believe he loves replacement.

He does not trust. He cannot love.

He is not capable. And I say this with no bitterness at all. I loved him, I tried to help him, I failed.

It was arrogant of me to think that I could.

[blissful_camper]

"If we were at a place in the beginning of the r/s to not put up with the nonsense, they wouldn't have stayed around and would have cycled out early - or we just wouldn't get involved with it and walked away ourself."

-------

This is interesting and I believe this is true in most cases.  

A word of caution though:  I didn't put up with the nonsense at the start of the relationship, and my ex didn't cycle out of it choosing instead to stay.  My ex claimed he was ashamed of his behavior, recognized he had a problem, and announced that he had made the decision to seek help (therapy). He knew I wouldn't tolerate his behavior, so he invented the therapy story to manipulate me into staying.  Because I'd known him for so many years, I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was in therapy. I didn't think he would lie to me about that, but ultimately it was a lie (about a 6 month-long lie).  

I guess the lesson here (the one I've learned) is that once I see red flags early on, it's a deal breaker and that person is out.  If I could revisit the start of that relationship, the person I am now would have made a different choice.  I would have told him to get into therapy, and moved on in my life without him.  

My ex had long term relationships.  His ex wife experienced the same behavior that I did.  That relationship ended in divorce at the 10-year mark.  I know my current replacement (she is half his age), and she has some pretty major issues of her own.  While she may not set boundaries as I did, I'm quite certain she protests his behavior and probably isn't as nice about it as I was.  Theirs is a relationship that will explode someday.

It's the same pattern in each relationship.  Every partner is subjected to the same behaviors.  The pwBPD doesn't have much else to bring to the table.  

I think it's important to hear this (that it really is the same each time for them) particularly when you're still grieving and struggling.  But aim for indifference.  You have that to look forward to.  It really does get easier.  Give yourself time, stay NC, visit this forum, and have faith that you have a beautiful life in front of you.  

[woodsposse]

I don't consider my replacement and my exhusbands relationship and I will tell you why.

I believe that I am just a replacement. So the cycle continues, with my ex h never trusting or loving anyone. I don't believe any more that he loved me, and I don't believe he loves replacement.

He does not trust. He cannot love.

He is not capable. And I say this with no bitterness at all. I loved him, I tried to help him, I failed.

It was arrogant of me to think that I could.

If you are arrogant... . than I am arrogant (and I'm not arrogant).

You are right, we tried.  We didn't fail.  The r/s failed.

Stop blaming yourself.  stop looking for blame.  We did what we did with what we knew.  Now we now different.  

Imagine what we can do... . moving forward.

[woodsposse]

"If we were at a place in the beginning of the r/s to not put up with the nonsense, they wouldn't have stayed around and would have cycled out early - or we just wouldn't get involved with it and walked away ourself."

-------

This is interesting and I believe this is true in most cases.  

A word of caution though:  I didn't put up with the nonsense at the start of the relationship, and my ex didn't cycle out of it choosing instead to stay.  My ex claimed he was ashamed of his behavior, recognized he had a problem, and announced that he had made the decision to seek help (therapy). He knew I wouldn't tolerate his behavior, so he invented the therapy story to manipulate me into staying.  Because I'd known him for so many years, I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was in therapy. I didn't think he would lie to me about that, but ultimately it was a lie (about a 6 month-long lie).  

I guess the lesson here (the one I've learned) is that once I see red flags early on, it's a deal breaker and that person is out.  If I could revisit the start of that relationship, the person I am now would have made a different choice.  I would have told him to get into therapy, and moved on in my life without him.  

My ex had long term relationships.  His ex wife experienced the same behavior that I did.  That relationship ended in divorce at the 10-year mark.  I know my current replacement (she is half his age), and she has some pretty major issues of her own.  While she may not set boundaries as I did, I'm quite certain she protests his behavior and probably isn't as nice about it as I was.  Theirs is a relationship that will explode someday.

It's the same pattern in each relationship.  Every partner is subjected to the same behaviors.  The pwBPD doesn't have much else to bring to the table.  

I think it's important to hear this (that it really is the same each time for them) particularly when you're still grieving and struggling.  But aim for indifference.  You have that to look forward to.  It really does get easier.  Give yourself time, stay NC, visit this forum, and have faith that you have a beautiful life in front of you.  

Very very well worded.  I totally agree.

I look back on my r/s - and there was "therapy" she was suppose to be in - I believed it. Now... . I'm not so sure.

But, I'm at a place of healing so having the questions of the past answered is no longer mine to hold.  If I was, it was.  If it wasn't, then it wasn't.  Either way - the end result was the exact same.

This "no win" situation I have been in for so long does have silver linings.  It has prepared me to accept the truth.  And the truth is - I can't "control" anyting... . but me.

(speaking of... . if ya'll haven't seen "Silver Lining Play Book"... . ya'll need to see it.  Awesome movie.

So is Mr. Peaboy and Sherman for that fact.

[blissful_camper]

"If we were at a place in the beginning of the r/s to not put up with the nonsense, they wouldn't have stayed around and would have cycled out early - or we just wouldn't get involved with it and walked away ourself."

-------

This is interesting and I believe this is true in most cases.  

A word of caution though:  I didn't put up with the nonsense at the start of the relationship, and my ex didn't cycle out of it choosing instead to stay.  My ex claimed he was ashamed of his behavior, recognized he had a problem, and announced that he had made the decision to seek help (therapy). He knew I wouldn't tolerate his behavior, so he invented the therapy story to manipulate me into staying.  Because I'd known him for so many years, I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was in therapy. I didn't think he would lie to me about that, but ultimately it was a lie (about a 6 month-long lie).  

I guess the lesson here (the one I've learned) is that once I see red flags early on, it's a deal breaker and that person is out.  If I could revisit the start of that relationship, the person I am now would have made a different choice.  I would have told him to get into therapy, and moved on in my life without him.  

My ex had long term relationships.  His ex wife experienced the same behavior that I did.  That relationship ended in divorce at the 10-year mark.  I know my current replacement (she is half his age), and she has some pretty major issues of her own.  While she may not set boundaries as I did, I'm quite certain she protests his behavior and probably isn't as nice about it as I was.  Theirs is a relationship that will explode someday.

It's the same pattern in each relationship.  Every partner is subjected to the same behaviors.  The pwBPD doesn't have much else to bring to the table.  

I think it's important to hear this (that it really is the same each time for them) particularly when you're still grieving and struggling.  But aim for indifference.  You have that to look forward to.  It really does get easier.  Give yourself time, stay NC, visit this forum, and have faith that you have a beautiful life in front of you.  

Very very well worded.  I totally agree.

I look back on my r/s - and there was "therapy" she was suppose to be in - I believed it. Now... . I'm not so sure.

But, I'm at a place of healing so having the questions of the past answered is no longer mine to hold.  If I was, it was.  If it wasn't, then it wasn't.  Either way - the end result was the exact same.

This "no win" situation I have been in for so long does have silver linings.  It has prepared me to accept the truth.  And the truth is - I can't "control" anyting... . but me.

(speaking of... . if ya'll haven't seen "Silver Lining Play Book"... . ya'll need to see it.  Awesome movie.

So is Mr. Peaboy and Sherman for that fact.

Thank you for the movie recommendations.  I've saved the titles and will watch them. 

When I look back at the relationship, the deception at his end was enormous.  At first I felt like a fool. Not anymore. Now I'm embarrassed for him. 

If my ex had actually gone to therapy, it would have taken years for him to reach 'stable' and there would have been a lot of bumps along the way.  The r/s may have lasted longer, but I think the outcome would have been the same.  I would have eventually left to save myself and the life I had created prior to my involvement with him. 

If you don't need those questions answered anymore, you're in a great place in your healing process.  That's where I am too.  I feel that I know everything that I needed to know, and I don't want to know anymore.  What's the point, really?  Knowing any more wouldn't serve me at all.   

Another awesome feeling is not wanting him to know anything about my life without him.  This may sound petty, but there was a time after the breakup where I wanted him to know that I was reaching my goals. I wanted him to know that my life didn't fall apart.  He used to visit my blog to keep tabs on me. I replaced my blog with a static website, and no longer blog.  I'm enjoying my privacy.   

[bossanover]

After my BPDex broke up with me, yes I spent a lot of time wondering. Wondering if she was ok (she made a few suicide threats and attempts), if her so-called friends and family were looking out for her, and then ultimately, yes, if she was seeing someone else and what that relationship would be like.

I was full NC, so I had no idea what she was up to and missed her a lot and even found myself wishing I could get back with her. Maybe, just maybe things would be better this time. I mean, why wouldn't it now that I had all this new knowledge and information about her illness? But then I found out she had indeed started seeing someone, and that she had already been through the three stages- idolising, clinging and hating, and that their relationship was a disaster, and had become so in a much shorter time frame than our relationship.

Maybe she'll recycle him, who knows. Maybe when our mutual intervention order is over she'll contact me, realising that I was the best thing ever and she blew it. But this is what helped me realise that she will never get better. Every relationship she has will be full of problems and is doomed to fail. Seeing that she was just continuing to cycle around actually helped me for the better. It helped me realise that it really was ALL her, and that she is just so, so ill. And there's nothing I can do about it

(speaking of... . if ya'll haven't seen "Silver Lining Play Book"... . ya'll need to see it.  Awesome movie.

I saw it with my BPD ex. She hated it. Now I know why... !

[woodsposse]

In my first marriage, I totally and freely admit I got a little crazy myself.  It was a combination of being young and full of ideas on what a relationship was suppose to be - and the fact that when her and I met it was flash bang kicked into high gear relatively very very quick.

Yes, I was in a place where that type of attention was very welcomed and I loved it.  But it was very very short lived.

The biggest mistake is we married relatively quickly and started having babies.

I saw the problems before we got married but pushed them aside so long as the "happy high" was there.  Which it really never came back... . here and there it did.  But not really.

I did accept the comfort of other women, but I never wanted to have a r/s with anyone else.  I did allow myself to drink too much and act out and get angry.  I didn't know what was going on.

Eventually I looked at ways to make me better because it has to be me that was causing the problems, but it seemed no matter what I did everything was wrong.  So got kicked out of my life to start over.

Never fully processing exactly what happened - when I got involved with my second wife (even back when we were dating) - I never stepped out of the r/s.  never slept with anyone else.  Watched my anger and drinking and frustration... . but the same problems kept happening.

So when the first recycle happened, I could clearly say it was not me.  But I allowed her to come back and we did the recycle... . oh God I don't even remember how many times... . until we finally got married and I got custody of my kids.  As my kids got older ... . the problems between us kept ramping up - and I still never left, never cheated, watched my anger (as best as possible)... . all the while going crazy thinking "what am I doing wrong".

Finally I gave up and we split.  And... . of course, she kept trying to recycle - one foot in one foot out.

I start seeing a new GF and things ramped up with her trying to burst that.

Anyway... . through my processing - before I came to this site - I even reached back out to my first wife and apologized for how I acted in our marriage.  I felt compelled to at least acknowledge my part in that circus.  I wasn't trying to get back with her.  I wasn't trying to have us be friends.  I just wanted to acknowledge it and "set it right" so there was no misunderstanding that I know where I failed as a man.

Yeah... . that conversation didn't go entirely too well.  She was still hurt and angry over what I did to mess up her r/s with our children.  Which... . by the way... . I didn't do anything to mess that up.  that was all her.  And still is to this day.  So, of course, I'm still getting blamed for things I didn't do - and not being acknowledged for the awesome fantastic things I did (as a father) to protect and raise my lovely children.

Screw her.

All of that is to say this - after coming here and finally finally finally understanding what I have actually been dealing with all these years - my head is finally slowing down, if not stopping, the spinning and ruminations and bewilderments.  I know I did what I had to do - I just didn't kow what I was up against.

And I have no outstanding questions or needs to reach out to my ex to set things right.  I did do the right things in our marriage.  I was strong and faithful and supportive.  It just wasn't enough because nothing will ever be enough.

Because it wasn't me.

Yes I got angry.  Yes I got frustrated. Yes I got sad and beat down to the point of not caring or just shutting down.  That is what happens after years of abuse.

Now that I am free of that... . and am  in an awesome new r/s - I can see that life is as wonderful as I always knew it was.  And spending time with someone who is actually being themselves is a joy.

With both my first and second wife, there was always this nagging self censoring going on  - where when we talked for hours as I was trying to find the words to really express how I feel so they would get it - what I was really trying to do was say "Uh... . this ain't working for me.  So we need to figure out what is going on and, at least, start to fix it now or I'm out the door."

But I could never bring myself to say it.  Lots of reasons why.  Finances, children, my commitment to being a husband, blah blah blah.

But now I know that feeling all too well and won't try to push it aside if things start to go wacky.  Not with my SO, not with my friends, not with my children... . I refuse to put me in a corner again.

And that is so freeing.

Thank you to everyone here.  Thank you for sharing your stories and yourself.  You have helped me recover me... . and helped me know I am not alone (and certainly I'm not going crazy).