Much darker than I thought?Much..

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Initially after experiencing my exboyfriend, after lots of reading, after internet discussions, I thought my exboyfriend had BPD. I even know a woman who has BPD. She said, "it sounded like" , my exbf had BPD.

I went through the honeymoon period, the sudden dumping after 6 months together. He dumped me OUT OF THE FRIGGIN BLUE shortly after I met his mother... Shortly after he professed his long lasting love for me. After he called me his soul mate for 6 months.

He got on drugs. He had extreme mood swings. He would tell me he hated me, come back, tell me he hated me, love, come back. Each time he devalued me, his behavior got worse, and worse, this eventually led to me being hit, choked, etc.

After 14 months of pure hell, I finally broke up with him after I caught him cheating on me.

Out of this entire ordeal, I had 2 phases. Originally I thought he had BPD. I wanted to stay and, "help." Afterall, he couldnt help how he acted, right?

After the breakup I started seeing a really, REALLY good psychoanalyst. I was refered to her by one of my college professor. She is said to be the best in the state. During the period of seeing this psychoanalyst, and clearing the FOG, i found out something else...

My ex was "probably a sociopath." My doctor of course has no idea whats wrong with him. She cautioned me to remember that. But from what I have told her, he was a sociopath, not necessarily a borderline. Yes, this man got sick, EVIL, SADISTIC enjoyment out of treating me the way he did. He even said to me one time, "when im done with you I will move on to the next victim. " He would say things like this under his breathe, in a mumbling sort of way.

So here I am, 4 months after the breakup,  I was diagnosed with having, "dependent personality disorder." I also started medication for anxiety. 

I miss this sadistic ass everyday. What does it say about me that I can NOT function without a sociopath that tried his best to destroy me? It's been 4 months. I miss him everyday...

[Rocknut]

Initially after experiencing my exboyfriend, after lots of reading, after internet discussions, I thought my exboyfriend had BPD. I even know a woman who has BPD. She said, "it sounded like" , my exbf had BPD.

I went through the honeymoon period, the sudden dumping after 6 months together. He dumped me OUT OF THE FRIGGIN BLUE shortly after I met his mother... Shortly after he professed his long lasting love for me. After he called me his soul mate for 6 months.

He got on drugs. He had extreme mood swings. He would tell me he hated me, come back, tell me he hated me, love, come back. Each time he devalued me, his behavior got worse, and worse, this eventually led to me being hit, choked, etc.

After 14 months of pure hell, I finally broke up with him after I caught him cheating on me.

Out of this entire ordeal, I had 2 phases. Originally I thought he had BPD. I wanted to stay and, "help." Afterall, he couldnt help how he acted, right?

After the breakup I started seeing a really, REALLY good psychoanalyst. I was refered to her by one of my college professor. She is said to be the best in the state. During the period of seeing this psychoanalyst, and clearing the FOG, i found out something else...

My ex was "probably a sociopath." My doctor of course has no idea whats wrong with him. She cautioned me to remember that. But from what I have told her, he was a sociopath, not necessarily a borderline. Yes, this man got sick, EVIL, SADISTIC enjoyment out of treating me the way he did. He even said to me one time, "when im done with you I will move on to the next victim. " He would say things like this under his breathe, in a mumbling sort of way.

So here I am, 4 months after the breakup,  I was diagnosed with having, "dependent personality disorder." I also started medication for anxiety. 

I miss this sadistic ass everyday. What does it say about me that I can NOT function without a sociopath that tried his best to destroy me? It's been 4 months. I miss him everyday...

[Conundrum]

I miss this sadistic ass everyday. What does it say about me that I can NOT function without a sociopath that tried his best to destroy me? It's been 4 months. I miss him everyday...

I think missing an abusive person is more common than many would think. You're not in an isolated camp. The explanations for that are probably quite complex and beyond my philosophy, but in my experience, pain and pleasure may become jumbled in the strangest of ways. The divide between the two fuse into an undecipherable whole--without clear distinct elements. Needless to say, by that point boundaries have either entirely evaporated or are all over the map.

I don't think it's proper for me to try to speculate about your "missing" him. Perhaps you meant that rhetorically. What is of greater importance though, is what do you believe it says about you?     

[woodsposse]

It is a hard spot to be in... . knowing the person you were with treated you as badly as they did - but wanting them so badly to be sitting right next to you at this very moment.

It is very common and a lot of us have gone through that.

All I can do is tell you a little bit about my story and maybe it can help clear some of the fog a bit more.

I have been married twice - and little did I know, both women had some form of PD (my second wife did get a diagnosis, eventually)... . and, as it turns out - my mother had the same diagnosis.  That explains my abusive childhood and her (my mothers) still crazy making behaviors.

For my mom... . all this is "normal".  But for me being on the abuse end all my life... . it became "normal" (I guess) to be around such folks and just try to make the best of it.

I mean, there are a lot of other things and realizations I have come to ever since coming to this site and learning about BPD... . but the end result is - I was able to detach completely from my (soon to be) ex wife... . as well as put into a proper perspective EVERY SINGLE relationship I have ever been in since I was a kid.

I don't blame my mother for her disorder - I do, however, place firmly at her feet what her behaviors did to me as a child.  I didn't ask to be abused - I didn't ask for those behaviors to be normalized... . and I certainly didn't ask to be traumatized by a women who was severely abusive.

So it is no longer mine to hold.

Yes, I thought when I got into the relationship with my wife that the irrational and illogical things that were going on were a "normal part" of relationships... . we just needed to learn how to better communicate, or better get along... . or maybe we just weren't meant for each other.  That's what society and media and pop music tells us.

What they don't tell us is... . these folks have a Mental Illness.  A personality disorder.  In a word - they are sick.

No amount of talking or better ways to communicate is going to heal a broken leg.

And in this... . the reasons "we" get attracted to and then end up staying in these types of relationships is because part of us is "sick" as well.  We don't like it.  We don't understand it.  We stay because "we love them"... . but love isn't suppose to hurt.  Love isn't suppose to be confusing.

Love doesn't push you away and then get mad at you when you are away.

Some people decide to stay with their diagnosed PD (or BPD) s/o.  Some don't.

But regardless of that... . the solution to where you are at and how you are feeling at this exact moment in time... . starts and ends with you.

Focus on you.

You are worth it.

[Rocknut]

For me, the biggest part of all of this is finding out why I am willing to take, and crave craziness. My therapist has pointed out the numerous similiarities between my "crazy" controling mother and my ex. It all goes back to attachment issues.

[woodsposse]

For me, the biggest part of all of this is finding out why I am willing to take, and crave craziness. My therapist has pointed out the numerous similiarities between my "crazy" controling mother and my ex. It all goes back to attachment issues.

I too had to come to that exact same understanding.  Once I did... . everything for my entire life fell into place.

That isn't to say that what happened with my ex (or any other relationship) is okay - no... . they are still people who had a choice in their actions... . and I had a choice, well, once I left my FOO - I mean, my ex isn't delusional and doesn't know right from wrong.  Wheter she had an internal drive to do what she did or not, she still did it.

I just needed to understand why I was so "willing" to put up with it.  I use "willing" in quotes because I wasn't willing to put up with it.  I fought against it.  I got angry, frustrated, sad, felt guilt - all of everything most people feel.  Ijust wasn't willing to leave. 

Maybe if I had had an understanding of her disorder I would have tried to help things get straight long ago.  Maybe I would have left sooner and not allowed the recycles to happen - or maybe I wouldn't have gotten involved with her in the first place.

I don't know.

All I know is what I can do going forward.

This isn't like a "normal" breakup.  I've had normal breakups in the past (a few). 

There was this one young woman I was dating for about 3 months.  For whatever the reason, close to the end of the 3rd month, I just wasn't feeling it.  Luckily we lived a good distance apart and I didn't have a car at the time to just bop over to her house whenever I felt like it.  And the towns we lived in didn't have public transportation (like busses or subways)... . so I pretty much was barricaded from her when I was at my house.

Anyway... . when things ruptured and I knew it was time to go... . I said my goodbyes and never looked back.

She acted immature... . tried to play some pranks by sending a fake "doctor's note" to my office fax machine stating the results of my STD test.  That was extremely childish.  What made it so bad is she was in cahoots with another friend of ours (woman) who was much older than we both were (I was in my mid-twenties)... . so that level of immaturity was just silly.

Not saying she had a PD - maybe she was just immature.  All I know is, I didn't go back to her a month later to start some BS cycle.  (so I know... . at least in that instance... . I'm clearly not BPD or want to play some kinda games).

I think what made it easier for me to stay with the woman who is now my exwife is, we ended up moving in together... . then we split up - she left... . a few months later she came back with all the right words... . so she moved back in.  And that cycle continued on and off for the next few years until we got married.

During that time frame she got injured at work, so it was even more of a "burden" on me if I wanted to totally kick her out.  I mean, maybe the reason she was acting so moody and odd was because of the injury and the medications and the depression and so on - but, whatever.

Then I got custody of my kids (from a previous r/s) - and things seemed fine most of the time (but in hindsite that was because we had raising the kids as some kind of a buffer).  When the economy crashed and the kids were leaving the nest... . the cycle kicked into high gear.

The last 3 or so years together was horrible.  But I vowed to go down fighting.  And I did. Maybe it was that vow which triggered even more crazy making behaviors because by trying to find ways to "fix" us... . I was probably telling her the problem was her.  When I started working on me (by going to therapy without her), that was probably a major sign for her that I was "abandoning" her (which is something I still can't wrap my brain around).

Anyway... . all that is to say this - I know how I got conditioned to stay and it all stems from my FOO (my crazy making mother) and the abuse I endured at her hands while growing up.

Can't change the past - but the furture looks entirely different... . and peaceful.

[Rocknut]

Well woods, where do we go from here?

My crazy ex is gone. My crazy mother is gone. My life is full of normality! I go to work. I go to class. I come home. My life is... NORMAL! With no crazy making!... and... I... hate it! I'm working on that in therapy. But apparently I hate NOT being surrounded by craziness.

[woodsposse]

Well woods, where do we go from here?

My crazy ex is gone. My crazy mother is gone. My life is full of normality! I go to work. I go to class. I come home. My life is... NORMAL! With no crazy making!... and... I... hate it! I'm working on that in therapy. But apparently I hate NOT being surrounded by craziness.

I respectfully disagree.

You don't hate it - you are just getting use to it.

I did the same thing.  Got up.  Went to work.  Went to class.  Came home.  Watched some TV. Spoke to friends on the phone, do social media.  Sleep.  Get up.  Repeat.

But there is a whole world of Non-crazy out there.  Exciting things. 

I dunno.  Volunteer at a pet shelter.  Get on a sports team.  Go Bowling.  Go parasailing.  Learn French.  Take up Improv.  I dunno.  Just do something  other than Crazy.

:-)

[Rocknut]

This is something I have heavily discussed with my therapist. She agreed. I have been living, "normality" for 4 months... and... I found that I crave instability. This is quite a normal condition in many people. Think of the really pretty girl that dates the douche bag. I am akin to the same thing.

[seeking balance]

This is something I have heavily discussed with my therapist. She agreed. I have been living, "normality" for 4 months... and... I found that I crave instability. This is quite a normal condition in many people. Think of the really pretty girl that dates the douche bag. I am akin to the same thing.

It takes time to reparent ourselves when our early attachments are faulty.  Most of us who have gone through this and to the other side have had to deal with our FOO attachments as the root cause of the BPD relationship - this unconsciously became our norm.

Giving yourself time - real time for calm to be your new normal is a good thing.  At first, I found myself anxious - but now - wow, I love boring and average - calm is my new normal.  NOW chaos feels icky and I steer clear of it - but it took time and changing my patterns... . change, real lasting change - takes time and mindfulness.

Good stuff you are working on in T 

[Tausk]

For me, the biggest part of all of this is finding out why I am willing to take, and crave craziness. My therapist has pointed out the numerous similiarities between my "crazy" controling mother and my ex. It all goes back to attachment issues.

Hey Rock:  Sorry for the pain. And there's enough similarity that I'm sure much of the Board can provide you with insight and support.

And thanks for sharing!

And although BPD's are not sociopaths per se, their actions can be sociopathic in that they have very limited free will and have almost no ability to take responsibility for their actions.  And it leaves a trauma bond for those who are left.

But to be honest, I'm finding nothing but hope from your post.  You're in therapy.  You're not claiming to be a victim, but willing to understand why you accepted the abuse and insanity.  And you're willing to look at your FOO issues.  

It's the cornerstones for recovery.  

I try and keep some spiritual principles in mind.  Honesty, open mindedness, willingness, patience, trust, courage, faith, compassion (especially for myself), forgiveness (even more especially for myself) and service, gratitude... .

I use these principles to help me as I move forward.  When I was in my interaction with my ex, all my pain and effort just led to more pain and more pain and more pain and more destruction,  

But today, my growth pains lead me to the path of... . Growth !    

You're walking it like you talk it.  Thanks.

[heartandwhole]

Rocknut,

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and I can understand why you feel attracted to chaos.  I think a lot of us here can relate to that.  I used to try to escape "boring," too, and now I find that peace is very exciting. 

It takes time to change, but change we can.  Hang in there, it sounds like you have a great T. 

When you're ready, you can explore some creative action that rocks your world, but in a way that is emotionally healthy for you.

We're rooting for you, keep up the good work.