Perceived Slights

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have read that a major part of BPD can be perceived slights, both real and imagined.  This can lead to "BPD Rage".  I have found after accepting the demise of my relationship with my uBPDexGF that I now have 20/20 vision for the  Red Flags in the past.  I can almost look back in amusement at these situations now.  I will share 2 of mine, and wonder if anyone else would like to share.

A.)  Early on in our relationship, we were heading towards sexy-times.  I stated that I felt that there might be something really special happening between us.  Immediately, eyes gloss over, I am pushed off of her and she stares at me and says "might?"  I attempted to explain myself, apologize for maybe not phrasing it as well as I could.  Nothing, I was shut down, wouldn't discuss the matter anymore, she rolled over and went to bed.  She brings it up again early in the morning, saying that she questioned my dedication to her.  I told her she was fixating on one word in that statement, while not acknowledging the general statement.  I refused to talk about it anymore.

B.)  I had phoned a female friend earlier in the day, to ask a question regarding LinkedIn.  That evening I am snuggled up with uBPDexGF on the couch and I receive a text alert.  I check it, and it says "I am busy tonight, I'll call you tomorrow to answer your questions".  Again, the GF shifts into the other person.  She asks "Who is Molly, and why is she going to call you" (names changed).  She had seen the entire text alert, name and all.  I explained who "Molly" was, that she was a friend that worked in HR.  I was asked a 100 questions pertaining to this person, and every answer was matched with an air of disbelief.  I even texted "Molly" back, what questions, and she responded about LinkedIn.  The rest of the evening became damage control, attempting to understand where the insecurity came from and how to prove that I was not a liar or unfaithful.  We goto bed exhausted, from arguing for hours.  Wake up, everything is peachy keen, like nothing had ever happened.

--Side Note--  The day after this second altercation was when I found the used condoms in her trash.  Possible projection from the guilt of her cheating?

[Confused76]

I have read that a major part of BPD can be perceived slights, both real and imagined.  This can lead to "BPD Rage".  I have found after accepting the demise of my relationship with my uBPDexGF that I now have 20/20 vision for the  Red Flags in the past.  I can almost look back in amusement at these situations now.  I will share 2 of mine, and wonder if anyone else would like to share.

A.)  Early on in our relationship, we were heading towards sexy-times.  I stated that I felt that there might be something really special happening between us.  Immediately, eyes gloss over, I am pushed off of her and she stares at me and says "might?"  I attempted to explain myself, apologize for maybe not phrasing it as well as I could.  Nothing, I was shut down, wouldn't discuss the matter anymore, she rolled over and went to bed.  She brings it up again early in the morning, saying that she questioned my dedication to her.  I told her she was fixating on one word in that statement, while not acknowledging the general statement.  I refused to talk about it anymore.

B.)  I had phoned a female friend earlier in the day, to ask a question regarding LinkedIn.  That evening I am snuggled up with uBPDexGF on the couch and I receive a text alert.  I check it, and it says "I am busy tonight, I'll call you tomorrow to answer your questions".  Again, the GF shifts into the other person.  She asks "Who is Molly, and why is she going to call you" (names changed).  She had seen the entire text alert, name and all.  I explained who "Molly" was, that she was a friend that worked in HR.  I was asked a 100 questions pertaining to this person, and every answer was matched with an air of disbelief.  I even texted "Molly" back, what questions, and she responded about LinkedIn.  The rest of the evening became damage control, attempting to understand where the insecurity came from and how to prove that I was not a liar or unfaithful.  We goto bed exhausted, from arguing for hours.  Wake up, everything is peachy keen, like nothing had ever happened.

--Side Note--  The day after this second altercation was when I found the used condoms in her trash.  Possible projection from the guilt of her cheating?

[Want2know]

In hindsight, it is kind of easy to point out the red flags.  Not so easy when you are engaged and thinking you are in love, and can forgive those moments in order to keep the relationship going. 

How does it make you feel that you now see this and know that you ignored your 'spidey sense'?

For me, it took a while, and I'm still working on it, to build up trust with others.  I think this is really important... . not just trust for others, but trust of ourselves to do what is best for us. 

I'm not talking about being selfish... . it's about understanding what is a healthy relationship.

Have you read this article: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm ?

[Jb2003]

In retrospect I can now see why my ex was so upset EVERY time I would get on FB even for a second she would lose it. Now that we are over I find she was talking to the next knight in shining armor on FB for over a month before she dumped me for him... .

[Jb2003]

Man do I feel sorry for him... .

[purpleavocado]

YES. Mine would feel slighted by the strangest things and would huff and puff about them for hours before finally admitting what they were. And usually, of course, they were completely baseless and irrational. But since I was so close to the situation I didn't realize that and would of course jump through hoops trying to 'fix' the mess. Ugh.

[itsnotme567]

mine would feel slighted over small things i said or my tone when i said them and get madder each time it happened.

[electrichummingbird]

Mine would mishear me through closed doors   and then rage at me about what he'd thought I'd said (always horrible and abusive). And one time it was right in front of me; I was crying with our child on my lap as he stormed out of the room raging, I sighed something to myself and he turned around and bellowed "WHAT did you just say?" - it was terrifying. Is that a thing too?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Confused76,

Yes, a pwBPD often perceives behavior differently than someone without the disorder.  I just read an interesting recent study that indicated that in relationships pwBPD interpret interactions initiated by the partner as negative, even when the he/she has clearly positive experiences with the partner.

One reason might be that the fear of abandonment jumps in immediately after positive behavior by the partner – the pwBPD "distrusts [the partner's] love and fears rejection."

Here's the abstract of the study if you're interested: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23750533

I definitely experienced the perceived slights in my situation, too.  He was very tuned in to minute facial expressions/body language and voice inflections.  Someone whose survival depended on deciphering caregivers' states and moods would naturally be highly sensitive to that.

I'm glad you can look back on it now without stress. 

heart