rescuer ?

[Depression = 72% of members]

i am soul searching now. I have been with an abusive BPD exgf for 6 weeks only. on the second date, i have already known a lot about her life (victimization) and actually i made her listen to fix you- coldplay and told her that i am ready to fix you as long as we love each other and are together. the idealization phase ended after 2 weeks. triangulation (with her ex), emotional abuse, reverse psychology (we can't be together), avoiding to talk to me about my needs, crazy making, make up sex started. the devaluation phase lasted for a week. i took the decision to break up with her. next day she lured me back with seduction and sex. from this point i understood that it 's not her circumstances that made her act weirdly during the devaluation phase. i knew there is something wrong with her but i did not know about BPD at this time. we ___ed with each other with mind games but as usual you can not win this with BPD. it was my fault to think that i can drop my emotions in a second and play mind games with her. the abuse escalated and we ended breaking up over text in about another week. she asked if we can be friends and i said i could not do it at that time. to be honest since this point i was the one who was chasing her. i am not sure if i was chasing her cause of my ego that needs validation and closure or is it because i wanted her. at least, i wanted her idealization back not specifically her. i called her and tried to get a closure and to know what did really happen how this sudden change had occurred. i even told her that it felt like i have known 2 different persons. her attitude was the same that she used when she was with me calling her ex on the phone. i told her i feel u r like a stranger to me now. anyway the call ended badly. i then texted her that she is sick and a liar. i knew about BPD later. after one month, i was feeling bad and i called. i honestly wanted her back though i know that she is not and will never be good to me now or in the future since the initial break up. since that point i knew that she will never change and she is not willing to change and she can not take any blame. she did not respond to any attempt to contact from my side. i have moved on, healed and now i am questioning my whole life. do i have rescuer, enabler, caregiver tendencies ? my therapist told me that its normal that u want closure or u want her back for some time but u r not a codependent since you only lasted with her 6 weeks. i would not call you a codependent unless you lasted with her for long and was ok with her attitude. what are your thoughts ?

[antjs]

i am soul searching now. I have been with an abusive BPD exgf for 6 weeks only. on the second date, i have already known a lot about her life (victimization) and actually i made her listen to fix you- coldplay and told her that i am ready to fix you as long as we love each other and are together. the idealization phase ended after 2 weeks. triangulation (with her ex), emotional abuse, reverse psychology (we can't be together), avoiding to talk to me about my needs, crazy making, make up sex started. the devaluation phase lasted for a week. i took the decision to break up with her. next day she lured me back with seduction and sex. from this point i understood that it 's not her circumstances that made her act weirdly during the devaluation phase. i knew there is something wrong with her but i did not know about BPD at this time. we ___ed with each other with mind games but as usual you can not win this with BPD. it was my fault to think that i can drop my emotions in a second and play mind games with her. the abuse escalated and we ended breaking up over text in about another week. she asked if we can be friends and i said i could not do it at that time. to be honest since this point i was the one who was chasing her. i am not sure if i was chasing her cause of my ego that needs validation and closure or is it because i wanted her. at least, i wanted her idealization back not specifically her. i called her and tried to get a closure and to know what did really happen how this sudden change had occurred. i even told her that it felt like i have known 2 different persons. her attitude was the same that she used when she was with me calling her ex on the phone. i told her i feel u r like a stranger to me now. anyway the call ended badly. i then texted her that she is sick and a liar. i knew about BPD later. after one month, i was feeling bad and i called. i honestly wanted her back though i know that she is not and will never be good to me now or in the future since the initial break up. since that point i knew that she will never change and she is not willing to change and she can not take any blame. she did not respond to any attempt to contact from my side. i have moved on, healed and now i am questioning my whole life. do i have rescuer, enabler, caregiver tendencies ? my therapist told me that its normal that u want closure or u want her back for some time but u r not a codependent since you only lasted with her 6 weeks. i would not call you a codependent unless you lasted with her for long and was ok with her attitude. what are your thoughts ?

[LettingGo14]

do i have rescuer, enabler, caregiver tendencies ? my therapist told me that its normal that u want closure or u want her back for some time but u r not a codependent since you only lasted with her 6 weeks. i would not call you a codependent unless you lasted with her for long and was ok with her attitude. what are your thoughts ?

The only answer I can give you is the one I give myself, "The truth -- your truth -- is within you."   

Our minds want answers, AJ.  We demand answers of ourselves.   We want to understand, in order to put it in a box to move on, or to at least have a sense of what happened.

But, these relationships involve emotions, and hearts, and longings, and desires.  And we "feel" those things.   And, sometimes those feelings hurt as badly as physical pain.  And, sometimes, when we are in pain, we act in ways that confuses our "cognitive brains."

All I can say is that I think the truth is within you.   The hard thing is that "nothing ever leaves us until it teaches us what we need to know."   

When we feel the emotions, accept the pain, we discover our truth.  I don't know exactly how it works, but it works.

[Mutt]

i wanted her idealization back not specifically her

I had to look at the beginning of the r/s and see why I got hooked on my ex. It was the idealization that was powerful and that soothed my inner child due to my FOO. I had waited several years for this period or person to come back. My own crazy making behavior, but I was looking for validation from a mentally ill person, the validation that I did not receive as a child. That's my experience from my personal journey.

Why was the idealization so strong for you anthony_james?

i even told her that it felt like i have known 2 different persons.

I can relate to this and I felt the same way. I felt like I was dealing with two different people, dependent on how I was split. I was being overvalued and undervalued.

i knew that she will never change and she is not willing to change and she can not take any blame.

We're talking about someone that has a disorder that it is a part of her personality. Her reality is as real to her, as your reality is to yours. Blaming and accusing is a defense mechanism for her to project her negative emotions of shame and guilt that she lives with 24/7. Change starts with you anthony_james.

The end of a relationship with a borderline will have gifts, there are big life lessons here if you look. I had to examine why I was seduced with idealization.

[charred]

Being a rescuer is not a good thing... it just sounds like it is. You have to have the mindset that you are in a superior position to the rescued person in order to act as a rescuer. You give up things you want or need (like money, time, effort) to help out someone... but often find that they are not thankful for your efforts, eventually you can be resentful. It doesn't work out well for either person. There are good books on it, the best overall I have found is "The Pathway" by Laurel Mellin. She explains why it is not a good thing and how to address a lot of other ego based behaviors. Suspect most rescuers got their start in a FOO with parents that parentified kids... who learned to be adult when they shouldn't have had to be. Don't know about everyone else... but I have trouble knowing what my own needs/wants/desires, are anymore.

It is hard to watch someone we care about have a rough time, we need to be sympathetic... and a good listener, and resist the urge to solve everyone's problems.

Finally figured out my mother is waif BPD... no amount of helping her ever made a difference... some new crisis was always waiting to replace the last one.

Understanding a situation, having the answer to "why?"... doesn't help nearly as much as I thought it would. Thought that knowing why would make the solution obvious, but when it is is so deeply rooted in the personality... there isn't an easy fix.

[Mutt]

I have more empathy than sympathy for ex now.