Payback When It's Over

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am working very hard on moving on after all that has happened with myself and my exBPDgf.

Seeings as we live in a small town we often cross paths while in our cars.  This must happen at least once or twice a week and she seems to make it a point of driving right past my street on her way home even though she has about five other routes she could take.

She has complained to a friend that I ignore her when I see her (i don't wave or even look at her) but I don't see the point seeing as she ignored every single email and text I had sent her after our break up in January.

I know we all have to forgive, accept and move forward but I have to be honest, if there is a certain action I can take that will bother her, I am all for it (hence the word PAYBACK).

So my question is, of these three options when I see her, 1 being totally ignoring her, 2 being waving hello and 3 being waving hello with a big smile, which would annoy a BPD woman the most?  We have many more years of crossing paths and I would like to react in the most affective way possible.


Curious how some of you react when you cross paths with your ex BPD.

[love2give]

I am working very hard on moving on after all that has happened with myself and my exBPDgf.

Seeings as we live in a small town we often cross paths while in our cars.  This must happen at least once or twice a week and she seems to make it a point of driving right past my street on her way home even though she has about five other routes she could take.

She has complained to a friend that I ignore her when I see her (i don't wave or even look at her) but I don't see the point seeing as she ignored every single email and text I had sent her after our break up in January.

I know we all have to forgive, accept and move forward but I have to be honest, if there is a certain action I can take that will bother her, I am all for it (hence the word PAYBACK).

So my question is, of these three options when I see her, 1 being totally ignoring her, 2 being waving hello and 3 being waving hello with a big smile, which would annoy a BPD woman the most?  We have many more years of crossing paths and I would like to react in the most affective way possible.


Curious how some of you react when you cross paths with your ex BPD.

[DontPanic]

Tough one, I'd avoid her... save yourself the pain and if you cant avoid her, take it easy on yourself and realize that you are human and make mistakes.

[mywifecrazy]

Do whatever YOU feel is appropriate. You don't owe her anything. Me personally I would ignore her. I don't wave hello or smile at people who #1 I don't know or #2 I don't care to know

#1 I don't know who my uBPDxw wife is. She lied about so many things that I've come to realize that the person I loved never really existed. I would be waving and smiling at a figment of my imagination.

#2 she told the most heinous lies about me and defamed my character to family, friends and neighbors. I don't wave or smile at people that do such things and then never own up to it or apologize about it.

I don't apologize to anyone about how I choose to relate or in this case not relate to my X. 

I think you need to do what you feel is best for you... .NOT HER!

SIncerely... .MWC

[Learning_curve74]

The abandonment fear that people who suffer from BPD is very real, even when they are often the ones who preemptively leave the relationship first. Often a person suffering from BPD will exhibit behavior that is at odds with their inner turmoil, so when everything seems okay or that they are happily moving along, they can often be tormented by their intense feelings. BPD behavior doesn't seem logical because it is a result of distorted thinking and a lifetime of learned maladaptive relationship strategies by a mentally ill person!

Ignoring her would typically be the most painful thing for her. No contact is not necessarily about inflicting pain on the BPDer but is often a helpful first step in detaching from the relationship and starting along the road to healing.

What are your values, what do you want? Do you want to achieve a state of "I don't care" or are you "out for payback"?

[love2give]

I am most definetly want to heal myself and get to the stage of totally not caring about her anymore.  It's been a long process but I continue to move in the right direction.

I was just wondering for those times that we do cross paths.  mywifecrazy makes an excellent point, I don't owe her a thing including a wave.  The ignoring is what I will continue to do.

I want nothing more than to have her out of my system 100% and I am slowly getting there.

[Popcorn71]

I'm in the same situation.  I regularly pass my exBPDh.

Until last week I just totally blanked him as thought I hadn't seen him.  Then one day he passed me and wass really staring.  I smiled and waved.  I thought that would give him something to stare at.

A few minutes later I walked around the corner and there he was, standing by his car talking to a friend.  I had no choice but to walk past with only a few inches between us.  I had heard about his life being pretty bad at the moment, so I smiled and asked how things were going for him.  He looked positively ecstatic and said things are great.  I know that is a lie.  I laughed and walked away without looking back.

I think he was pleased I spoke to him ... .  until I laughed at him!

This would fit in with the theory that 'being ignored' is the worst thing that can happen to them.

Now I will go back to ignoring him.  Why not mess with him like he messed with me?

Do what you want to do.  Do whatever makes you feel better.

[mywifecrazy]

And I don't say the above with any malice it's just what is best for ME!  If I give up my personal boundaries even just a little bit with a wave or a hello I get sucked back into her world of manipulation and lies and the rescuer in me is triggered.

I don't want to go back there. The road to peace is the road I'm traveling on and it's paved with No Contact. It's the only way for ME.

SINCERELY... .MWC

[Aussie JJ]

Me,

I just accept it, I have to see her, I have to accept her effect on me and I have to do what is best for me. 

She didn't do anything for me other than to inflict pain and suffering on me, my family and my friends. 

I only want her to never have the opportunity to do that again.  That power is now mine, NEVER again.  If I have to wave to her, smile at her, run from her.  Whatever I have to do for me I will do. 

Do you want to harm her like she harmed you or do you want to be above that and let it go. 

[Mutt]

My ex caused me deep pain love2give and broke a bond. I don't consider a friend and I cannot trust her. That's how things are now. Maybe 10 years from now things will be different and we may be friends. Who knows what can happen.

You never know your exBPDgf may move, you may move and won't have to drive the same route and see each other. My wife did a lot of things that were not appropriate and really audacious acts. She dissociates and it's like she has an amnesia to cope with her emotions. She has a hard time understanding why I'm not friends with her anymore. It's a part of the disorder.

I hear maybe a little passive-aggressiveness with ignoring your ex. Do you get enjoyment out of it? Seeing or being around my ex triggers PTSD. I don't get enjoyment out of ignoring her or not reciprocating to her friendly demeanor, she can't understand why. She has maladaptive coping skills to project guilt and shame.

I look out for my feelings and I'll quickly get the kids and go with saying what has to be said and nothing else and leave. More time needs to pass for me, to forget some of her actions. Hang in there.

[Tausk]

I just smile as if I'm seeing a traumatized child, because that's the truth when I see my ex.  A traumatized child with no hope of ever understanding the world or herself.  And, I have no desire to inflict more pain.  I have already inflicted enough pain upon my ex by asking her to behave as an adult.

So, I smile as if I'm seeing a child, because pwBPD expect you to be mad and to punish them.  

It doesn't mean that I allow the Disorder into my life at all.  It doesn't mean that I accept any behavior that is outside of my values.  It just means that I don't want to inflict more pain to a traumatized child who has not real hope of ever finding peace or self awareness.

And ironically and sadly, if I want to inflict the most pain on my ex, I do that by doing as well in my life as possible and by being as kind as possible.  My ex can't see me as both good and bad.  Thus the smear campaign.  By being as kind as possible, and living my life as well as possible, that causes the greatest distress in my ex.   In her limited capacity, she can't see me for my flaws and strengths.  

The Disorder is a living nightmare.  Payback is unnecessary for me.  Just detachment.

[Huh?]

I just saw my ex fiance from 4 years ago tonight.  Last time I came across  her 4 years ago post break up, she turned and ran away from as fast as she could... .leaving me standing there dumbfounded.  Never heard from her again. 

Anyways, I went shopping tonight and turned a corner... .and there she was... .with her back 3/4 to me pushing a cart.  I ended my shopping and got out of there as fast as I could.  Mostly because I figured Id get the same treatment I got four years ago.  Last I heard, she was married to the same guy she started dating 4 years ago... .so I guess they can commit... .helps that he makes a lot of money I guess, which was one of the reasons she dumped me, that and I was "cheating on her".  I never cheated.  EVER.

So yeah, that was fun tonight. Personally, I wouldnt wave.  I wouldnt get any satisfaction from it at all.

[JohnLove]

I just smile as if I'm seeing a traumatized child, because that's the truth when I see my ex.  A traumatized child with no hope of ever understanding the world or herself.  And, I have no desire to inflict more pain.  I have already inflicted enough pain upon my ex by asking her to behave as an adult.

So, I smile as if I'm seeing a child, because pwBPD expect you to be mad and to punish them.  

It doesn't mean that I allow the Disorder into my life at all.  It doesn't mean that I accept any behavior that is outside of my values.  It just means that I don't want to inflict more pain to a traumatized child who has not real hope of ever finding peace or self awareness.

And ironically and sadly, if I want to inflict the most pain on my ex, I do that by doing as well in my life as possible and by being as kind as possible.  My ex can't see me as both good and bad.  Thus the smear campaign.  By being as kind as possible, and living my life as well as possible, that causes the greatest distress in my ex.   In her limited capacity, she can't see me for my flaws and strengths.  

The Disorder is a living nightmare.  Payback is unnecessary for me.  Just detachment.

Wow Tausk... .just wow.

I believe there may be a simple answer to this nightmare. I keep looking, hoping, wondering... .

[JohnLove]

I just saw my ex fiance from 4 years ago tonight.  Last time I came across  her 4 years ago post break up, she turned and ran away from as fast as she could... .leaving me standing there dumbfounded.  Never heard from her again. 

Anyways, I went shopping tonight and turned a corner... .and there she was... .with her back 3/4 to me pushing a cart.  I ended my shopping and got out of there as fast as I could.  Mostly because I figured Id get the same treatment I got four years ago.  Last I heard, she was married to the same guy she started dating 4 years ago... .so I guess they can commit... .helps that he makes a lot of money I guess, which was one of the reasons she dumped me, that and I was "cheating on her".  I never cheated.  EVER.

So yeah, that was fun tonight. Personally, I wouldnt wave.  I wouldnt get any satisfaction from it at all.

The projection is just unreal. I too have suffered this. It is almost always them doing the cheating when they're wild, completely unfounded, deluded "accusations" start to fly... .

[KeepOnGoing]

I'm confused. If they are the ones who were all about no contact, then why do they care whether or not they're being ignored? I had no contact for two weeks because my BPD friend said she needed time and space apart. Her car passed me as I was crossing the street the other weekend, and I didn't wave or anything. It was painful to and for me, but she didn't stop. Not sure she saw me, but pretty sure she did? Anyway, if she's in the no contact/ silent treatment mode, then fine, no contact. Why would my not waving hurt her? Am I making any sense?