Emotional baggage

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This is the short version of a long story. I havn't shared it with anyone and I need to.

Since the majority of us here seem to be carrying around similiar emotional baggage

I figured I could get some insightful opinions and maybe some understanding. Not so

much understanding of her, but of me.

October 2013 my wife moved 1200 miles away, she took oldest child, the two youngest

stayed with me. She came back at the end of the school year to get them for the summer.

6 year old son has a birthday toward the end of June and she was scheduled to leave

after we celebrated that. Its amazing how fast everyone slipped into their previous roles.

The oldest seldom stayed home, the daughter in the middle stays secluded in her room,

and the youngest is the comedian, trying to make everyone feel better through laughter.

Wife and I were intimate, had a few laughs, a few minor arguements, but never a

discussion of getting back together. A week before the Bday a trigger happened.

No reason for details here, but as usual it was something that if you told it to someone

who is not familiar with the disorder, they would just shake their head in disbelief.

I immediately explained the situation and tried to reassure her. I made my usual mistake

in thinking that it might just be alright this time. I had errands to run and when I

returned I asked her if she wanted to talk about it. She said nothing and stormed

out of the room. Thirty minutes later I am watching TV with my 6 year old and she enters

the room in a rage. Rips the big screen from the wall and throws it to the floor,

picks it up and does it again. The screams and the look of sheer terror on my son's face

would have broke your heart. He was beyond just scared. I told her to look at him, and

she did, with complete unconcern. How can a parent not drop everything right then and

comfort their child? I can't wrap my head around that.

I told him

to go upstairs to his sisters room. I told her I was leaving the house and she said good.

Went to the bedroom to get a few things and she followed, still ranting and raging. I'm

not raising my voice or argueing, I know the best thing to do is leave. When I tried to

walk out of bedroom she came at me swinging. She is 5'8" and 140lbs. and hits hard.

I am trying to grab her wrists and she keeps hitting. I finally get her pinned on the bed

and I have a death grip on her wrists. I remember I kept saying "what are you doing,

don't you know I can really hurt you if I want to." I could see in her face the worst was over.

I let her up. I found my glasses on the floor and when I put them on my fingers

brushed across a knot on my forehead above my eye. I felt of it with my hand and it was huge.

I told her to look at it, and she said "good, thats for blah." Blah is an eleven year old

event which relates to the trigger. I headed for the door.

I don't

know what these things are called, but they melt wax or some similiar substance

to make the room smell. There was one of them with a full tray of melted wax near the

front door. When my hand grabbed the knob she picked the tray up to throw at me,

but when she picked it up all the wax flew in the air and landed on her neck, clothes,

and arm. What I did next is very troubling to me. I put my bag down and asked if

she was OK and if she needed help. She just kept ranting, I doubt if she even felt the burn.

I asked her again if she was OK. I was genuinely concerned. Now, what in the world does that say about me?

I have an egg sized knot on my forehead and her intention was to burn me, yet

I would have helped her as much as she needed.

I don't think I am over analyzing this, I must have a major flaw somewhere.

I ended up driving myself to the ER and the law had to get involved. Plenty of drama in the following days.

And the way I was treated in the ER... .I felt belittled and not taken seriously.

(this feels like a topic for another thread)

I would never hit a woman, but I really wanted to smack the smirk off my nurse's face. And when I finally saw the doc and told her what happened,

she literally took a step back and stared at me, right in the eyes, I think she wanted to

see if I was telling the truth. I stared right back.

Then she says " you are a  big and strong looking guy, I trust you did the

gentlemanly thing and didn't strike her back"

I said " you are the fourth person to ask me that since I have been here,

and no ma'am, I did not."

[JonnyKrunch]

This is the short version of a long story. I havn't shared it with anyone and I need to.

Since the majority of us here seem to be carrying around similiar emotional baggage

I figured I could get some insightful opinions and maybe some understanding. Not so

much understanding of her, but of me.

October 2013 my wife moved 1200 miles away, she took oldest child, the two youngest

stayed with me. She came back at the end of the school year to get them for the summer.

6 year old son has a birthday toward the end of June and she was scheduled to leave

after we celebrated that. Its amazing how fast everyone slipped into their previous roles.

The oldest seldom stayed home, the daughter in the middle stays secluded in her room,

and the youngest is the comedian, trying to make everyone feel better through laughter.

Wife and I were intimate, had a few laughs, a few minor arguements, but never a

discussion of getting back together. A week before the Bday a trigger happened.

No reason for details here, but as usual it was something that if you told it to someone

who is not familiar with the disorder, they would just shake their head in disbelief.

I immediately explained the situation and tried to reassure her. I made my usual mistake

in thinking that it might just be alright this time. I had errands to run and when I

returned I asked her if she wanted to talk about it. She said nothing and stormed

out of the room. Thirty minutes later I am watching TV with my 6 year old and she enters

the room in a rage. Rips the big screen from the wall and throws it to the floor,

picks it up and does it again. The screams and the look of sheer terror on my son's face

would have broke your heart. He was beyond just scared. I told her to look at him, and

she did, with complete unconcern. How can a parent not drop everything right then and

comfort their child? I can't wrap my head around that.

I told him

to go upstairs to his sisters room. I told her I was leaving the house and she said good.

Went to the bedroom to get a few things and she followed, still ranting and raging. I'm

not raising my voice or argueing, I know the best thing to do is leave. When I tried to

walk out of bedroom she came at me swinging. She is 5'8" and 140lbs. and hits hard.

I am trying to grab her wrists and she keeps hitting. I finally get her pinned on the bed

and I have a death grip on her wrists. I remember I kept saying "what are you doing,

don't you know I can really hurt you if I want to." I could see in her face the worst was over.

I let her up. I found my glasses on the floor and when I put them on my fingers

brushed across a knot on my forehead above my eye. I felt of it with my hand and it was huge.

I told her to look at it, and she said "good, thats for blah." Blah is an eleven year old

event which relates to the trigger. I headed for the door.

I don't

know what these things are called, but they melt wax or some similiar substance

to make the room smell. There was one of them with a full tray of melted wax near the

front door. When my hand grabbed the knob she picked the tray up to throw at me,

but when she picked it up all the wax flew in the air and landed on her neck, clothes,

and arm. What I did next is very troubling to me. I put my bag down and asked if

she was OK and if she needed help. She just kept ranting, I doubt if she even felt the burn.

I asked her again if she was OK. I was genuinely concerned. Now, what in the world does that say about me?

I have an egg sized knot on my forehead and her intention was to burn me, yet

I would have helped her as much as she needed.

I don't think I am over analyzing this, I must have a major flaw somewhere.

I ended up driving myself to the ER and the law had to get involved. Plenty of drama in the following days.

And the way I was treated in the ER... .I felt belittled and not taken seriously.

(this feels like a topic for another thread)

I would never hit a woman, but I really wanted to smack the smirk off my nurse's face. And when I finally saw the doc and told her what happened,

she literally took a step back and stared at me, right in the eyes, I think she wanted to

see if I was telling the truth. I stared right back.

Then she says " you are a  big and strong looking guy, I trust you did the

gentlemanly thing and didn't strike her back"

I said " you are the fourth person to ask me that since I have been here,

and no ma'am, I did not."

[Mr Hollande]

Johnny,

I don't know what is the most upsetting part of your story. The actions of your wife or the disgusting way you were treated at the hospital? This notion of the woman always being the victim and us men being the aggressor is a societal sickness on a grand scale. It is truly disgusting!

[crookedeuphoria]

Your wife sounds like my exbf and quite frankly, you sound a lot like me. Last year, my bf hit me and choked me while I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep. I apologized later for calling the police. So, yeah. I would say we have some emotional baggage 

[enlighten me]

Hi Jonny

Im sorry you and your children have had to go through this. I hope your son is ok after witnessing that.

I find it sickening the way you where treated by so called medical professionals. The fact that a man is automatically presumed to be at fault when a domestic incident occurs is just disgusting.

The fact that you shower her concern when she tried burning you is not a sign of weakness its a sign that you have compassion which when I last checked wasn't a bad thing.

All the best

EM

[Mr Hollande]

It's probably not on your list of priorities at all right now but if I were you I would consider putting in a complaint against the unprofessional behaviour of some of the staff at the hospital. We all know that had the roles been reversed and she was the one insinuated against the sh#t would hit the fan. The way they treated you was inappropriate, unprofessional and just unacceptable.

[tim_tom]

It's probably not on your list of priorities at all right now but if I were you I would consider putting in a complaint against the unprofessional behaviour of some of the staff at the hospital. We all know that had the roles been reversed and she was the one insinuated against the sh#t would hit the fan. The way they treated you was inappropriate, unprofessional and just unacceptable.

Agreed, but it is societal conditioning... My ex used to punch me and slap me in the face when i was doing something unapproved, it hurt and I told her it hurt, she would just say something like stop being a vagina. She never left huge knots on my body (although I did get bruises a few times)

But I never considered it physical abuse, cause she was a women. When a female friend of mine tried to tell me this, I rejected it. Then my T told, still wasn't buying and still don't really. I know it wasn't healthy, but it doesn't fit the image I have of physical abuse (an angry man beating the crap out of his helpless wife).

It's hard to overcome these preconceived ideas

[Mr Hollande]

It's hard to overcome these preconceived ideas

Then get over it. This forum is proof of its fallacy.

[Mutt]

Hi Mr Hollande,

It's an invalidating experience to someone when they are told to "get over it". I'm sorry to hear that you feel invalidated as well.

Hi tim_tom,

I'm also sorry to hear that your T is invalidating to you. I went through a similar experience with my P when it came to physical abuse. I understand how your T may not be buying it or think that you are the perpetrator etc Your paying the T hard earned money. I think you may want to consider looking for another one? If I don't feel like I sync with my T I look for another one.

[tim_tom]

Hi tim_tom,

I'm also sorry to hear that your T is invalidating to you. I went through a similar experience with my P when it came to physical abuse. I understand how your T may not be buying it or think that you are the perpetrator etc Your paying the T hard earned money. I think you may want to consider looking for another one? If I don't feel like I sync with my T I look for another one.

I am sorry, I meant to say my T is saying I was physically abused, I am the one invalidating it for myself

[Mutt]

Hi tim_tom,

I'm also sorry to hear that your T is invalidating to you. I went through a similar experience with my P when it came to physical abuse. I understand how your T may not be buying it or think that you are the perpetrator etc Your paying the T hard earned money. I think you may want to consider looking for another one? If I don't feel like I sync with my T I look for another one.

I am sorry, I meant to say my T is saying I was physically abused, I am the one invalidating it for myself

I misunderstood. I'm sorry. Listen to your T's guidance. It's something worth taking a look at in T for yourself? What do you think?

[Mr Hollande]

Mutt, I wasn't telling tim_tom to "get over" any abuse he's suffered. I referred to the fallacy of the idea of the male as the only abuser.

[JonnyKrunch]

not a sign of weakness its a sign that you have compassion

Definitely had compassion, but something feels weak about it, I just can't define it.

After I read over my opening post, I thought about why I kept repeating "don't you know I can hurt you"

And I can think of some similar things I have done/said over the years.

At first I wondered if it made me feel superior in some way as in - I am a good person and you are not.

But that's not it, I don't feel superior and I don't feel I am a better person. Closer to the truth is this... .

I can hurt you the same way you hurt me, but I choose not to, can't you see my love?... .

why don't you love me like you used to, so you can make the same choice?

That's not exactly what I mean, but pretty  close.

[Mutt]

Mutt, I wasn't telling tim_tom to "get over" any abuse he's suffered. I referred to the fallacy of the idea of the male as the only abuser.

Copy that Mr Hollande. I understand the frustration. I went to court to defend myself on false DV charges. Thanks for clarifying and my apologies for the misunderstanding.

JonnyKrunch,

There's nothing wrong with taking the high road  

[tim_tom]

I misunderstood. I'm sorry. Listen to your T's guidance. It's something worth taking a look at in T for yourself? What do you think?

Yeah, probably... But honestly, I have far more pressing emotional trauma to deal with

[JonnyKrunch]

  I would consider putting in a complaint against

I did consider even though I have doubts it would do any good. Those doubts aren't  what stopped me.

The following week I lied to my family, friends, and coworkers about why the upper left side of my face

was black and blue. I wore a pair of oversized sunglasses for two weeks.

If I filed a complaint, I would have to potentially answer more questions, maybe in

front of a group of people, and I wasn't ready to risk more humiliation.

Like you said, not high on the list of priorities.