Nervous to see him

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi there. So... .I am going to pay a visit to my BPD ex boyfriend. He has blanked any communication. He is trying to walk away from 10,000 he owes me. My aim is to be face to face, try to communicate that I understand that he is hurting (despite him being the cause if our separation and having initiated the spilt) but confirm that denying financial and moral obligations is not acceptable. I want his response... .and if it is not satisfactory, to confirm that he is sadly therefore FORCING me to take legal action. I feel I need to have this last communication... .as much to minimise his ability to play the victim if/when the lawyers letter arrives.

I am v nervous though. Deep down I want validation and love and know he could damage me more emotionally tonight. Any advice/gut reactions very welcome to help keep me safe, strong and focussed.

Please help. Thanks.

C14 x

[Compassion14]

Hi there. So... .I am going to pay a visit to my BPD ex boyfriend. He has blanked any communication. He is trying to walk away from 10,000 he owes me. My aim is to be face to face, try to communicate that I understand that he is hurting (despite him being the cause if our separation and having initiated the spilt) but confirm that denying financial and moral obligations is not acceptable. I want his response... .and if it is not satisfactory, to confirm that he is sadly therefore FORCING me to take legal action. I feel I need to have this last communication... .as much to minimise his ability to play the victim if/when the lawyers letter arrives.

I am v nervous though. Deep down I want validation and love and know he could damage me more emotionally tonight. Any advice/gut reactions very welcome to help keep me safe, strong and focussed.

Please help. Thanks.

C14 x

[merlin4926]

I'm not surprised you are nervous. I totally understand why you need to do this but I suspect you deep down know it's going to hurt. If he reacts how you want it's only going to be short lived. When my ex knew he was in the wrong it used to make him act out against me even worse.  He will probably choose to play the victim whatever you do.

Just remember it's the disorder taking over if he is horrible to you and just try to let it go.  I try and remind myself that long term I will get over him but he's never going to get over this or all the other relationships that have gone wrong.

I wish you all the best and please let me know how it goes x

[merlin4926]

I'm not surprised you are nervous. I totally understand why you need to do this but I suspect you deep down know it's going to hurt. If he reacts how you want it's only going to be short lived. When my ex knew he was in the wrong it used to make him act out against me even worse.  He will probably choose to play the victim whatever you do.

Just remember it's the disorder taking over if he is horrible to you and just try to let it go.  I try and remind myself that long term I will get over him but he's never going to get over this or all the other relationships that have gone wrong.

I wish you all the best and please let me know how it goes x

[Compassion14]

Thankyou Merlin,

As the time approaches I feel sick. Even if he plays ball I no longer can trust that so feel uneasy at ever outcome... .but feel driven to attempt it.

I cannot get my head around how someone who claims to have 'loved you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life' can be so hurtful and cold. I know it's the BPD... .but it just goes again everything I feel inside.

:-(

I hope he can give me a crumb of remorse and a bucketful of justice. At the very least I will have told him, in no uncertain terms (if necessary) that HE is creating what is to come, legal wise - and that it saddens me beyond words. However I will not allow him to continue to abuse me... .this time the trust I had when giving him my savings.

How sad to feel such nerves before seeing someone you made love to not so long ago - and through no fault of our own.

C14x

[merlin4926]

It is so sad, I miss my ex like crazy but I don't know this person he has become. Thinking of you

[merlin4926]

Hi compassion14 just wondered how it went?

[Compassion14]

Hello Merlin,

Thankyou for thinking of me. I have been lost in a turmoil of emotions today and am only just starting to make sense of them. We spoke. He was approachable. SET allowed him to talk a bit with me... .but the extent of his condition and how dillusional he truly is... .now seemingly believing his own lies about owing nothing to me and the horrendous denying of reality were heart breaking and unworkable.

It was ALL about him. No apology. No justice for me. Validation in so far as he said he was affected by our separation (not that I asked) and that 'he knew that things needed sorting' but then the most mind blowing denial of fact and reality I've ever heard... .topped off with me calmly and sadly stating that he would leave me with no option but to go legal if he maintained this stance... .to which he firstly panicked a bit then tried to double bluff me 'that's fine. I'll see you in court. Will give me a chance to wear my suit'.

Am I glad i went? Yes... .seeing his dillusional state of mind in action... .lying right to my face... .I needed that to see wgat I was dealing with and to fall another final bit more out of love with him.

Did it hurt? Yes. Did I need to see where he was at to help me know what to do? Yes.

Do I know what I am going to do? I do know that I must not let him change me. I am a good, loving, generous, caring person. He is damaged, unbalanced and dangerous to my peace of mind and emotional sanity. I see it clearer than ever now. I believe it now. He is calling black white and there is no denying he is in the wrong... .yet he has managed to convince himself. It was and is scary. And I must maintain my own reality.

I will not let him lower me to his level.

He was never worthy of the gift that was me.

I will sleep on this.

Flat, sad but I know I will survive. He will stew in the horror of his own existence till he dies.

[merlin4926]

Glad your ok and that you feel you did the right thing by contacting him. Really hope it will help you move on and that you can see that he is deluded - probably he had to be to protect himself. As you say maintain your own reality and remember you are a good person and I'm sure you never wanted to end like this. Really hope it helps you to move on.

We will survive they have to handle this for ever

Thinking of you xxxx

[Compassion14]

Thank you.

I could destroy him in court and prove any point I needed proving... .but I need to be aware of the continued emotional cost of that to me.  He has stolen so much more than the £10,000 from me. He has robbed me of my peace of mind and inner calm for 2 years. I have to assess if I might be throwing good emotional energy after bad to pursue.

He is a lost cause and I am so much bigger as a person than him.  I wish him the existence his inner turmoil will guarantee... .and for me to be nowhere near him as he continues to traumatise and harm all those nearest him.

I will number crunch and I will listen to my heart... .and watch the beautiful face of my child to allow me to work out what is best.

I could destroy him... .but that's where he and I differ. I can't do so without a second thought.

Merlin... .they never deserved us... .and the one justice here is that as BPDs... .they knew that all along.

Hugs. X

[merlin4926]

Compassion 14 I live that last line. Going to write that somewhere to remind myself xxx