NC relapse. I feel like crap... :(

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello Everyone.

     So yesterday, after 2 solid days of NC, I finally broke in the afternoon and contacted my exBPDgf. I wanted to communicate to her that I was sorry for the way things went down as far as her finally getting her things. See thread here - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=234250.0

I told her on voice mail that I was sorry for not giving a chance to say her peace. I told her that I dont mean to come off so strong but that I am hurting on an unbelievable level. That I was left with no choice but to end things with her due to boundaries being broken. I told her that I loved her so much and I will miss her more than anything. I told her that I want her to keep seeking help out for her BPD and that this cant be the cycle of how the rest of her life will be. To not resort to maladaptive means of coping with her pain as she has done in the past (cutting, bullimic, alcohol, drugs, casual sex) and that she deserves happiness).

     Saying all that at the time gave me a bunch of relief. To communicate some feelings that were haunting me as I was coping with her loss. To my surprise, before I could block her number again, she called back wondering what I wanted. I asked her if she checked her voice mail and she said she just woke up. So I told her that I just wanted to leave some voice mails about my feelings and that I was sorry for everything and I hope she was doing ok. She said "Ok. I just wanted to see what you wanted. Im going to go back to sleep now." I said "Ok. Take care". She said "You too" and we hung up.

     Part of me feels weak for giving in and breaking NC. I also find myself beating myself up for why I apologized to her when she was the one to actually hurt me. I had no other choice but to end the relationship yet she still feels (im assuming) that I am responsible for it all. That I may of perhaps abandoned her and now has to be vindictive and cold.

     I battle my thoughts constantly as I cope wondering how she is coping with it all. She acts like she doesnt care at all. I know its the dissociative defense mechanism within her to block pain but its something you never really get used to. I constantly ask myself what I could of done differently to avoid all of this. I know the real answer is nothing. She would of continued to break boundaries and eventually my tolerance bar would have to constantly be raised which isnt healthy at all.

     I am hoping that through therapy and time, I can finally let go of all this pain. I cope with it the best I can but find myself with so many unanswered questions inherently knowing that I will never have the answers and/or the answers will not be what I want them to be. I have to simply accept things the way they happened and the way things are. She is mentally ill and I fell in love with a mentally ill person and despite my best attempts to love her and get her help, it wasnt good enough and I had to move on for my own sake.

[jayboy336]

Hello Everyone.

     So yesterday, after 2 solid days of NC, I finally broke in the afternoon and contacted my exBPDgf. I wanted to communicate to her that I was sorry for the way things went down as far as her finally getting her things. See thread here - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=234250.0

I told her on voice mail that I was sorry for not giving a chance to say her peace. I told her that I dont mean to come off so strong but that I am hurting on an unbelievable level. That I was left with no choice but to end things with her due to boundaries being broken. I told her that I loved her so much and I will miss her more than anything. I told her that I want her to keep seeking help out for her BPD and that this cant be the cycle of how the rest of her life will be. To not resort to maladaptive means of coping with her pain as she has done in the past (cutting, bullimic, alcohol, drugs, casual sex) and that she deserves happiness).

     Saying all that at the time gave me a bunch of relief. To communicate some feelings that were haunting me as I was coping with her loss. To my surprise, before I could block her number again, she called back wondering what I wanted. I asked her if she checked her voice mail and she said she just woke up. So I told her that I just wanted to leave some voice mails about my feelings and that I was sorry for everything and I hope she was doing ok. She said "Ok. I just wanted to see what you wanted. Im going to go back to sleep now." I said "Ok. Take care". She said "You too" and we hung up.

     Part of me feels weak for giving in and breaking NC. I also find myself beating myself up for why I apologized to her when she was the one to actually hurt me. I had no other choice but to end the relationship yet she still feels (im assuming) that I am responsible for it all. That I may of perhaps abandoned her and now has to be vindictive and cold.

     I battle my thoughts constantly as I cope wondering how she is coping with it all. She acts like she doesnt care at all. I know its the dissociative defense mechanism within her to block pain but its something you never really get used to. I constantly ask myself what I could of done differently to avoid all of this. I know the real answer is nothing. She would of continued to break boundaries and eventually my tolerance bar would have to constantly be raised which isnt healthy at all.

     I am hoping that through therapy and time, I can finally let go of all this pain. I cope with it the best I can but find myself with so many unanswered questions inherently knowing that I will never have the answers and/or the answers will not be what I want them to be. I have to simply accept things the way they happened and the way things are. She is mentally ill and I fell in love with a mentally ill person and despite my best attempts to love her and get her help, it wasnt good enough and I had to move on for my own sake.

[Aussie JJ]

jayboy336,

I started NC/LC a few times before finally sticking to it.  Don't be hard on yourself. 

For me, I ended up at one stage sitting sulking on the floor as she wasn't able to understand.  Wasn't able to communicate in a clear manner and just denied everything. 

The difference as you highlight below is that she disassociates to avoid the pain.  Your processing the pain. 

When you avoid a painful experience and just move on you don't develop as a human being, you  'bounce back'.  It may seem that your bouncing back to a place of happiness or stability.  It may appear that she is doing this.  Please understand that what your doing, working through this you wont 'bounce back', you will 'bounce forward'.  What your working through at the moment this pain, this will enable you to grow as a person and have a better understanding of yourself. 

I hope your have a therapist working with you to assist.  It is a process that having that guidance is a huge help. 

One thing I say to myself as like a mantra is I survive that I can survive what life throws at me next.   You survived this BPD relationship, you survived and your working through the pain and tomorrow it might be harder than today but by working through that pain when you get through it you will be a lot more balanced as a human being. 

Sending you out some   and hoping that you understand what I'm saying.  From someone who is still working through it, starting to feel better in general and understand myself more I know you will get there and I know its a bloody awful journey but the pain is worth the reward my friend. 


AJJ. 

[jayboy336]

jayboy336,

I started NC/LC a few times before finally sticking to it.  Don't be hard on yourself. 

For me, I ended up at one stage sitting sulking on the floor as she wasn't able to understand.  Wasn't able to communicate in a clear manner and just denied everything. 

The difference as you highlight below is that she disassociates to avoid the pain.  Your processing the pain. 

When you avoid a painful experience and just move on you don't develop as a human being, you  'bounce back'.  It may seem that your bouncing back to a place of happiness or stability.  It may appear that she is doing this.  Please understand that what your doing, working through this you wont 'bounce back', you will 'bounce forward'.  What your working through at the moment this pain, this will enable you to grow as a person and have a better understanding of yourself. 

I hope your have a therapist working with you to assist.  It is a process that having that guidance is a huge help. 

One thing I say to myself as like a mantra is I survive that I can survive what life throws at me next.   You survived this BPD relationship, you survived and your working through the pain and tomorrow it might be harder than today but by working through that pain when you get through it you will be a lot more balanced as a human being. 

Sending you out some   and hoping that you understand what I'm saying.  From someone who is still working through it, starting to feel better in general and understand myself more I know you will get there and I know its a bloody awful journey but the pain is worth the reward my friend. 


AJJ. 

     Thank you so much for those kind words AJJ. It really does help to hear these things. I cant really talk about these things to my family and friends because they simply dont understand. They will see me as weak or offer simplistic advice like "just forget about her" and what not. I really wish it was that easy. Only a handful of people can actually know what its like to be convinced that you find your soulmate, find a woman who can make you feel amazing, like you are the most important person in the world and can tell you with tears in their eyes that they love you with all of their heart and the next day, dump you like yesterdays trash or do behaviors that betray you and gets met with callousness and denial when you try to confront and/or enforce boundaries.

     I really did leave because I had to. It was either that, or she would of eventually of left again. Its a monthly thing with her. I dont know if it has something to do with her meunstral cycle as well as this seems to always happen before her period. My brain is extremely analytical so I will try to pick and piece things together trying to solve the puzzle but this puzzle is an insolvable one.

     I am definitely going to incorporate your kind words into my recovery. This will make me a stronger person and more healthy for never again will I be in a relationship like this. I will learn to know that I deserve respect too and that I dont deserve this.

[Fluff]

I went through 2-3 months of "this will be the last contact" before I actually stopped completely. I think it's normal. It's a process you have to go through. This was followed by 2-3 months of facebook stalking which is slowly coming to an end in the same fashion. We do what we have to do to process it. In the end, we grow, unlike them.