Hello Everyone.
So yesterday, after 2 solid days of NC, I finally broke in the afternoon and contacted my exBPDgf. I wanted to communicate to her that I was sorry for the way things went down as far as her finally getting her things. See thread here -
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=234250.0I told her on voice mail that I was sorry for not giving a chance to say her peace. I told her that I dont mean to come off so strong but that I am hurting on an unbelievable level. That I was left with no choice but to end things with her due to boundaries being broken. I told her that I loved her so much and I will miss her more than anything. I told her that I want her to keep seeking help out for her BPD and that this cant be the cycle of how the rest of her life will be. To not resort to maladaptive means of coping with her pain as she has done in the past (cutting, bullimic, alcohol, drugs, casual sex) and that she deserves happiness).
Saying all that at the time gave me a bunch of relief. To communicate some feelings that were haunting me as I was coping with her loss. To my surprise, before I could block her number again, she called back wondering what I wanted. I asked her if she checked her voice mail and she said she just woke up. So I told her that I just wanted to leave some voice mails about my feelings and that I was sorry for everything and I hope she was doing ok. She said "Ok. I just wanted to see what you wanted. Im going to go back to sleep now." I said "Ok. Take care". She said "You too" and we hung up.
Part of me feels weak for giving in and breaking NC. I also find myself beating myself up for why I apologized to her when she was the one to actually hurt me. I had no other choice but to end the relationship yet she still feels (im assuming) that I am responsible for it all. That I may of perhaps abandoned her and now has to be vindictive and cold.
I battle my thoughts constantly as I cope wondering how she is coping with it all. She acts like she doesnt care at all. I know its the dissociative defense mechanism within her to block pain but its something you never really get used to. I constantly ask myself what I could of done differently to avoid all of this. I know the real answer is nothing. She would of continued to break boundaries and eventually my tolerance bar would have to constantly be raised which isnt healthy at all.
I am hoping that through therapy and time, I can finally let go of all this pain. I cope with it the best I can but find myself with so many unanswered questions inherently knowing that I will never have the answers and/or the answers will not be what I want them to be. I have to simply accept things the way they happened and the way things are. She is mentally ill and I fell in love with a mentally ill person and despite my best attempts to love her and get her help, it wasnt good enough and I had to move on for my own sake.