happy halloween :)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

28th day nc... .someone said in another thread they have no

idea how their ex is so strong in not contacting them... .

i feel that way. Actions speak louder than words right¿?

and what he has shown me is that im disposable and that

he doesnt love me... .

will i ever hear from him again? officially 28 days!

i have struggled at least half that time not to contact...

is he going through the same?

it hurts if he isnt. i hate feeling like he has so easily trashed me.

like im nothing to him.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

28th day nc... .someone said in another thread they have no

idea how their ex is so strong in not contacting them... .

i feel that way. Actions speak louder than words right¿?

and what he has shown me is that im disposable and that

he doesnt love me... .

will i ever hear from him again? officially 28 days!

i have struggled at least half that time not to contact...

is he going through the same?

it hurts if he isnt. i hate feeling like he has so easily trashed me.

like im nothing to him.

[Deeno02]

28th day nc... .someone said in another thread they have no

idea how their ex is so strong in not contacting them... .

i feel that way. Actions speak louder than words right¿?

and what he has shown me is that im disposable and that

he doesnt love me... .

will i ever hear from him again? officially 28 days!

i have struggled at least half that time not to contact...

is he going through the same?

it hurts if he isnt. i hate feeling like he has so easily trashed me.

like im nothing to him.

Dont count on it. I pray mine doesnt contact me, but deep down I do. She moved on with a new dude scant days after dumping me. So, yeah, we are disposable. Sorry to be blunt, but they dont care. Its about them. Not us.

[GoodThingsToCome]

I wouldn't make assumptions about what other people are really feeling. One never really knows... .

Regardless, if he has been feeling pain, he probably has found a way to suppress it or distract himself from it. You feeling pain for him is normal and actually very healthy. Stay your path and process things in the way that is best for you, not him.

I believe my ex was very hurt by our break-up, even though she put on such a brave face and told everyone how happy she was; I think when people act in such in overly reactive way they actually become rather transparent.

On the other hand, if he feels nothing (like a robot) after a meaningful relationship... .do you really want anything to do with him again?

[crookedeuphoria]

28th day nc... .someone said in another thread they have no

idea how their ex is so strong in not contacting them... .

i feel that way. Actions speak louder than words right¿?

and what he has shown me is that im disposable and that

he doesnt love me... .

will i ever hear from him again? officially 28 days!

i have struggled at least half that time not to contact...

is he going through the same?

it hurts if he isnt. i hate feeling like he has so easily trashed me.

like im nothing to him.

That was me that said that about mine being so strong. And I don't get it at all. The only thing stopping me from contacting him is that I don't want to hear that I've been replaced, because how else could he be being strong? He is not a strong man. To make matters even worse, I have seen him three times on the road between yesterday and today. THREE TIMES. And each time, I thought for sure, I would hear from him. But nope. Nothing. Which is good, I guess. Anything that buys me another day in my recovery has to be good, right?

[RedDove]

Happy Halloween! Congrats on 28 days NC! I understand how you are feeling. I've been exactly where you are... .perplexed by how my ex BPDbf could stay in control, not seem hurt, nor contact me. Especially after a 4 year encounter!

GoodThingsToCome summed it up, in that if they have a distraction (new supply), then they are using that person as a distraction to cover up the deep shame and pain. They suppress bad feelings with other addictions, including drugs and alcohol.

I "never" thought I'd hear from my ex BPDbf again. BUT, he broke NC by contacting me on a dating site I joined about a month ago. That was after approximately 80+ days of NC.

Then the texting started. At first I didn't respond. Then I did... .and guess what? He's devaluing and about to discard the OW he cheated on me with. Lasted maybe 2-3 months. He's on the dating site looking for new supply. He texted a selfie photo one of these women took of him on their 2nd date. Crazy behavior! The text said how "the date couldn't have gone better. BUT, 20 minutes after she took the photo of him, she revealed she was bi-sexual and he never went out with her again". Yeah, like I believe anything the pathological liar says! He attempted to recycle me before he discards the OW. Its a pattern, he did the same exact thing to me! They can't be alone, because then they'd feel the shame and regret.

Keep working on you and moving forward with your recovery. I know it's difficult, but one day at a time!

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thanks for the support everyone... .I am sure he is feeling the pain because on his Fb (before I "re-blocked him) he had a post : this is the only relationship I need- and it was a guy hugging a pizza... .then he had another one saying he was depressed... and another one saying he is lonely... (not I feel regret and I missed out on the best thing that ever happened to me... no I just feel "lonely" I am sure he hasn't replaced me with a person... but maybe with porn (he has a porn addiction/ possibly even into child porn) or with someone on line... he has binge eating disorder... so maybe with food.

I did tell him we were done... and not to contact again... because I told him before we recycled that if he broke up with me again... if I had any self respect I couldn't put up with it again. He has a lot of pride... but I let my pride go soo many times out of love for him.

Just shows how he places himself and his ego first as usual.

The whole ordeal is draining and painful. My life is getting back on track though... some things I have been avoiding have been dealt with... .my house has stayed clean since b/u. But I still miss him terribly... .but its faint now... b/c I know its the person he pretended to be I miss. Him mirroring me... I have high morals... I have failed before with my morals... but all in all I'm a good person.

I am not completely sure he is. Saddens me beyond words grieving that persona he showed me... I think maybe I could believe that persona was real if he was apologizing and making effort to change... but instead his ego comes first. highly narcissistic.

The whole thing totally blows.I wish I could extract him from my brain. I keep wondering... will he contact me?

Everyone talks about their exes eventually contacting them. Even my first BPD ex still contacts me to make sure I'm alive. it feels like I'm dead to him. I now know I was just supply to him... b/c I'm sure he is looking elsewhere... all though I can't be too sure. I can't even think of dating right now.

It is so difficult to accept all this. I keep, deep down, wanting him to prove me wrong. But he can't, and I'm sure he knows it too.

Probably why I haven't heard from him.

But it bothers me he is playing victim... and poor me for being single on FB. I mean really? It's not because we couldn't work. it's because he has BPD. No relationship is going to work for him until he gets help.

I was hoping me leaving would be rock bottom for him, but apparently not. Revealing how little worth he put into me ... and having me in his life.

[Raybo48]

28th day nc... .someone said in another thread they have no

idea how their ex is so strong in not contacting them... .

i feel that way. Actions speak louder than words right¿?

and what he has shown me is that im disposable and that

he doesnt love me... .

will i ever hear from him again? officially 28 days!

i have struggled at least half that time not to contact...

is he going through the same?

it hurts if he isnt. i hate feeling like he has so easily trashed me.

like im nothing to him.

28 days is awesome, but don't count on him not contacting you again.  If you haven't even been recycled once yet the odds are pretty high you'll hear from him again at some point.  For sure disposable, it's a good word for it.  I saw my ex dispose of countless people (men and women) who tried to help her during her addiction and otherwise.  There are not enough trash bags in my cabinet to count all of them.  Sad.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

We have already recycled so many times that I was thinking possibly this was the last time for him? Plus his ego/pride IS HUGE. And I told him not to come back. He doesn't know what's good for him. He will put his ego and pride even over logic any day. He'll live a life alone just to make a point. It's QUITE sad b/c when he's older... (if he has come out of his fantasy even a little bit) he will see how that didn't do him any favors.

[Raybo48]

We have already recycled so many times that I was thinking possibly this was the last time for him? Plus his ego/pride IS HUGE. And I told him not to come back. He doesn't know what's good for him. He will put his ego and pride even over logic any day. He'll live a life alone just to make a point. It's QUITE sad b/c when he's older... (if he has come out of his fantasy even a little bit) he will see how that didn't do him any favors.

Yea, you wonder when that last time is. It's funny when I told my ex she was "not allowed to contact me" or "leave me alone" that used to have the opposite result most of the time.  It became almost like a challenge then.  Kind of makes sense if what they say is true and they have the mind of a 3 year old in an adult body.  :)on't little children always try to push boundaries that are set by their parents?  

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Damn... that is a really good point. There's always the possibility he has painted me completely black though

[Bak86]

We have already recycled so many times that I was thinking possibly this was the last time for him? Plus his ego/pride IS HUGE. And I told him not to come back. He doesn't know what's good for him. He will put his ego and pride even over logic any day. He'll live a life alone just to make a point. It's QUITE sad b/c when he's older... (if he has come out of his fantasy even a little bit) he will see how that didn't do him any favors.

Yea, you wonder when that last time is. It's funny when I told my ex she was "not allowed to contact me" or "leave me alone" that used to have the opposite result most of the time.  It became almost like a challenge then.  Kind of makes sense if what they say is true and they have the mind of a 3 year old in an adult body.  :)on't little children always try to push boundaries that are set by their parents?  

Yeah this is so true. My ex always claimed she had stalkers, but she's the biggest one(although she does it subtle)

[antelope]

I was hoping me leaving would be rock bottom for him, but apparently not.

and if you leaving ended up being rock bottom for him, then what?

-do you think he will acknowledge his issues?

-do you think he will think of a plan to deal with his issues?

-do you think he will follow through with that plan, and implement the tools a therapist would give him to improve his behavior?

-meanwhile, where would you fit into all this?  a pseudo-parental role?

a friend? a bystander?

seems like after this many recycles, you are not in any position to help this person, b/c you have become a trigger for their deplorable behavior

you say, "He doesn't know what's good for him."

do you?  you keep going back to a deeply dysfunctional person/relationship

the real question is why do you keep going back?

worry about you! 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I was hoping me leaving would be rock bottom for him, but apparently not.

and if you leaving ended up being rock bottom for him, then what?

-do you think he will acknowledge his issues?

-do you think he will think of a plan to deal with his issues?

-do you think he will follow through with that plan, and implement the tools a therapist would give him to improve his behavior?

-meanwhile, where would you fit into all this?  a pseudo-parental role?

a friend? a bystander?

seems like after this many recycles, you are not in any position to help this person, b/c you have become a trigger for their deplorable behavior

you say, "He doesn't know what's good for him."

do you?  you keep going back to a deeply dysfunctional person/relationship

the real question is why do you keep going back?

worry about you! 

very good points!  im not going to go back.

just hard to not think about him and worry about him i really wish itbwas easy for me. i do ok most days its up and down... .

do i think he ll get help and acknowledge... .?

no.  if he did yes i would have stayed as his fiance... .which is what i was

[crookedeuphoria]

We have already recycled so many times that I was thinking possibly this was the last time for him? Plus his ego/pride IS HUGE. And I told him not to come back. He doesn't know what's good for him. He will put his ego and pride even over logic any day. He'll live a life alone just to make a point. It's QUITE sad b/c when he's older... (if he has come out of his fantasy even a little bit) he will see how that didn't do him any favors.

Yea, you wonder when that last time is. It's funny when I told my ex she was "not allowed to contact me" or "leave me alone" that used to have the opposite result most of the time.  It became almost like a challenge then.  Kind of makes sense if what they say is true and they have the mind of a 3 year old in an adult body.  :)on't little children always try to push boundaries that are set by their parents?  

Yes. A challenge. The last time I spoke with mine, I said that I would not contact him but I would always answer him if he contacted me. Interesting that this is the longest (almost 2 weeks) that he has ever gone without contact.

[fred6]

Happy Halloween everyone. Probably won't be a good one and it's the weekend too  . No trick or treating for me with her 6 yo daughter this year. What a bummer. She promised me before I moved out that I could see her daughter and the cat sometimes. I texted her son last week to see if it was OK to see them at some point. I made it 100% clear that I didn't want to see my ex, just the daughter and cat. She texted me back directly and said, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone". Can't say that it surprised me. Guess promises don't mean much these days?

Anyhow, her birthday is tomorrow. I sent her a 99¢ card that I bought last week before she was so rude to me. I didn't write any mushy emotional stuff.

"I hope you are happy and doing well. Say hello to everyone for me and tell your daughter that I love her. Have a happy birthday exBPD. Take care".

After the way she's treated me, I hope it eats her up inside, but it probably won't. I don't want or expect a reply from her and if I get one, I will not reply back. I have been holding out a little hope to see her daughter and the cat once in a while, but she slammed that door in my face too. I'm officially done her, there is absolutely nothing left but her arrogant disregard for me and the pain she has caused. Happy Halloween and happy birthday, goodbye!

Anyhow, it's Halloween and I figured out what trick or treat means for me this year. I got trick(ed) and treat(ed) like $hit... .Bartender, come on down here. One bourbon, one scotch, and one beer

[antelope]

I texted her son last week to see if it was OK to see them at some point. I made it 100% clear that I didn't want to see my ex, just the daughter and cat. She texted me back directly and said, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone".

Anyhow, her birthday is tomorrow. I sent her a 99¢ card that I bought last week before she was so rude to me. I didn't write any mushy emotional stuff.

"I hope you are happy and doing well. Say hello to everyone for me and tell your daughter that I love her. Have a happy birthday exBPD. Take care".

After the way she's treated me, I hope it eats her up inside, but it probably won't. I don't want or expect a reply from her and if I get one, I will not reply back. I have been holding out a little hope to see her daughter and the cat once in a while, but she slammed that door in my face too. I'm officially done her, there is absolutely nothing left but her arrogant disregard for me and the pain she has caused.

stop engaging this person.

stop playing mind games with a mentally disordered person.

stop giving her any attention

what you're saying and doing isn't hurting her.  

it's hurting you!

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

If he showed initiative to change and get help... it would show that I was a priority... also... that he was a priority to himself...

but he doesn't care about his well being at all.

I really hope he gets help. I wish the best for him.

LMAO! Fred... tricked and treated like sh** hahahahahahaha!

I am so sorry about the daughter situation... .

I plan on going with my daughter and a friend and her kids.

I was invited to a HUGE halloween party at a mansion tomorrow...

I am probably not going to go even though a very attractive lady

has a crush on me and wants me to go.

I'm probably scared of her b/c shes normal! She coaches volleyball

and also plays professionally. If this guy wasn't on my brain

I would totally go for it with her.

Oh well

[fred6]

I texted her son last week to see if it was OK to see them at some point. I made it 100% clear that I didn't want to see my ex, just the daughter and cat. She texted me back directly and said, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone".

Anyhow, her birthday is tomorrow. I sent her a 99¢ card that I bought last week before she was so rude to me. I didn't write any mushy emotional stuff.

"I hope you are happy and doing well. Say hello to everyone for me and tell your daughter that I love her. Have a happy birthday exBPD. Take care".

After the way she's treated me, I hope it eats her up inside, but it probably won't. I don't want or expect a reply from her and if I get one, I will not reply back. I have been holding out a little hope to see her daughter and the cat once in a while, but she slammed that door in my face too. I'm officially done her, there is absolutely nothing left but her arrogant disregard for me and the pain she has caused.

stop engaging this person.

stop playing mind games with a mentally disordered person.

stop giving her any attention

what you're saying and doing isn't hurting her.  

it's hurting you!

Thank you antelope for the input. I'm not sure what mind games I'm playing. But that's why I'm here. Stands up, "Hello, my name is fred6 and I have a problem".

[Rifka]

We have already recycled so many times that I was thinking possibly this was the last time for him? Plus his ego/pride IS HUGE. And I told him not to come back. He doesn't know what's good for him. He will put his ego and pride even over logic any day. He'll live a life alone just to make a point. It's QUITE sad b/c when he's older... (if he has come out of his fantasy even a little bit) he will see how that didn't do him any favors.

Congrats on 28 days n/c

I'm with you on all of this above! N/C 70 days for me and him! No attempts in either direction and I have no anger. Just feel pity for the disorder and his lack of ability to be loved even though that's what he wants most, but can't handle!

I have no desire to ever contact again and have moved forward into the dating world again slightly.

The good and bad memories are still there. The lessons I have learned in this time are priceless.

I had never heard of this disorder before my ex crazyBf.

It has made me more educated, more understanding, less tolerent, more aware of red flags in unhealthy people. More aware of me, what I want, what I deserve, why I did or accept certain things in my life.

Overall it was a hard, but important lesson for me to understand myself better.

I have come to the conclusion, that was the reason he entered my life, also the reason he is gone! We both served our purposes. Painful yes, but part of me growing to be a better person.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY!

Hugs to you all!

Rifka

[antelope]

I'm not sure what mind games I'm playing.

"I hope you are happy and doing well. Say hello to everyone for me and tell your daughter that I love her. Have a happy birthday exBPD. Take care".



^^sending this card is a mind game.

you could have found another way to 'say hello to everyone', you could have mailed her daughter a letter or found another opportunity to tell her you love her... .

you don't care if she has a happy birthday.

you don't care if she is doing well, and definitely don't care if she is happy.

you don't really care if she does 'take care'

you don't send birthday cards to people who have wronged you this many times and that you obviously dislike

the card was a mind game, sent simply to elicit a reaction from her

the only way to win with someone like this is NOT TO PLAY

'take care' of YOU!  

[fred6]

"I hope you are happy and doing well. Say hello to everyone for me and tell your daughter that I love her. Have a happy birthday exBPD. Take care".



^^sending this card is a mind game.

you could have found another way to 'say hello to everyone', you could have mailed her daughter a letter or found another opportunity to tell her you love her... .

No, those opportunities are gone. I don't see or contact her family. I don't mail 6 yo children letters, she can't even really read yet. Her mother would have gotten the letter out of the mailbox anyhow. And I will probably never see this child again to tell her that I love her. So if, as you say, it's a game, I don't know what I'm winning or losing?

you don't care if she has a happy birthday.

Yes, absolutely I do.

you don't care if she is doing well, and definitely don't care if she is happy.

Yes, absolutely I do.

you don't really care if she does 'take care'

Yes, absolutely I do.

you don't send birthday cards to people who have wronged you this many times and that you obviously dislike

From much of the information that I have read on BPD. One of the points that are stressed is that you can't take it personally. I have struggled with not taking it personally. I still do, but I know that it's not personal, it's not about me. If I didn't care about all of the stuff you listed above, that would make me kind of like a pwBPD. I know that indifference is the goal. I'm not there yet, far from it. I'm not sure that I'll ever totally "not care" about her. If I didn't care about her, I wouldn't be on this forum and probably be out bedding down someone new. We are all here on this site because "we" care and pwBPD don't or can't.

the card was a mind game, sent simply to elicit a reaction from her

Well that begs the question. What kind of response do you think that I expect to get from a 99¢ birthday card? For her to bang on my door tonight, demand sex, and propose to marry me? I do care, but there is no response from her that matters anymore

[Deeno02]

"I hope you are happy and doing well. Say hello to everyone for me and tell your daughter that I love her. Have a happy birthday exBPD. Take care".



^^sending this card is a mind game.

you could have found another way to 'say hello to everyone', you could have mailed her daughter a letter or found another opportunity to tell her you love her... .

No, those opportunities are gone. I don't see or contact her family. I don't mail 6 yo children letters, she can't even really read yet. Her mother would have gotten the letter out of the mailbox anyhow. And I will probably never see this child again to tell her that I love her. So if, as you say, it's a game, I don't know what I'm winning or losing?

you don't care if she has a happy birthday.

Yes, absolutely I do.

you don't care if she is doing well, and definitely don't care if she is happy.

Yes, absolutely I do.

you don't really care if she does 'take care'

Yes, absolutely I do.

you don't send birthday cards to people who have wronged you this many times and that you obviously dislike

From much of the information that I have read on BPD. One of the points that are stressed is that you can't take it personally. I have struggled with not taking it personally. I still do, but I know that it's not personal, it's not about me. If I didn't care about all of the stuff you listed above, that would make me kind of like a pwBPD. I know that indifference is the goal. I'm not there yet, far from it. I'm not sure that I'll ever totally "not care" about her. If I didn't care about her, I wouldn't be on this forum and probably be out bedding down someone new. We are all here on this site because "we" care and pwBPD don't or can't.

the card was a mind game, sent simply to elicit a reaction from her

Well that begs the question. What kind of response do you think that I expect to get from a 99¢ birthday card? For her to bang on my door tonight, demand sex, and propose to marry me? I do care, but there is no response from her that matters anymore

Well said. I to still care for her and her 5 kids. Unlikely I will ever see them again either as I was not allowed to say good bye. We do care, that's why it hurts us so much. So no one should come on this forum and say that we don't. If we didn't, well, I sure as ___ wouldn't be in therapy. I gave until I could give no more in her eyes, and I was discarded. As were most of us on here. We are here for help and guidance, not criticism.

[Pingo]

I texted her son last week to see if it was OK to see them at some point. I made it 100% clear that I didn't want to see my ex, just the daughter and cat. She texted me back directly and said, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone".

Anyhow, her birthday is tomorrow. I sent her a 99¢ card that I bought last week before she was so rude to me. I didn't write any mushy emotional stuff.

"I hope you are happy and doing well. Say hello to everyone for me and tell your daughter that I love her. Have a happy birthday exBPD. Take care".

After the way she's treated me, I hope it eats her up inside, but it probably won't. I don't want or expect a reply from her and if I get one, I will not reply back. I have been holding out a little hope to see her daughter and the cat once in a while, but she slammed that door in my face too. I'm officially done her, there is absolutely nothing left but her arrogant disregard for me and the pain she has caused.

stop engaging this person.

stop playing mind games with a mentally disordered person.

stop giving her any attention

what you're saying and doing isn't hurting her.  

it's hurting you!

Thank you antelope for the input. I'm not sure what mind games I'm playing. But that's why I'm here. Stands up, "Hello, my name is fred6 and I have a problem".

I don't see any mind games here.  I see a man who is wounded and doing his best to make sense out of the insane.  I am sorry Fred that you lost not only the woman you loved but also her child that you loved.  That is brutal.

We are all on here just trying to do the best we can and I'm amazed and impressed by people who are being so honest with their vulnerable feelings and such, exposing their shame and sadness.  I don't think there is room for any kind of judgement.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Well said pingo! Today was GREAT. Hope it ends just as well. Everyone have a safe Halloween! Let's forget about the exes tonight and just have a good time tonight!

A part of me wishes he was by my side tonight holding hands... Laughing...

I wish we could have spent the holidays together... But grass is greener for him on the other side.

[Pingo]

Well said pingo! Today was GREAT. Hope it ends just as well. Everyone have a safe Halloween! Let's forget about the exes tonight and just have a good time tonight!

Here, here!

[fromheeltoheal]

Halloween, the day where it's socially acceptable to wear masks.  Hmmm.  Trick or treat?

[fred6]

I want to thank everyone that replied to me. I don't have a problem with someone questioning my actions. I think that all of us need to see different opinions. That's why I'm here.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Halloween, the day where it's socially acceptable to wear masks.  Hmmm.  Trick or treat?

word

[Mutt]

Halloween, the day where it's socially acceptable to wear masks.  Hmmm.  Trick or treat?

I see what you did   I agree Hurtbeyongrepair27 with forgetting about our exes and having well deserved fun right?

Have a safe and Happy Halloween everyone.