my kids and why divorce was the right choice

[suffering_parent]

I suffered 12 years of marriage to a BPD.   She constantly raged at me and almost always around the children.   The marriage was never healthy even though I poured every ounce of me into it.   We had four kids and they were completely hyper bouncing off the walls non-stop.   No one could have us over because our kids were just so wild and full of energy.   The kids struggled in every way.   I reasoned with myself that even with a dysfunctional family life - being divorced would be even worse for them.

I was very very wrong.   Just a bit over a year and half out of the relationship.   Was very fortunate to gain full custody of the kids and mom got very little visitation.    All that energy I spent on my marriage I have now poured into my children.   Before I was too busy with mom and she would get crazy jealous if I spent time with the kids!   

So I put the kids in counseling almost immediatly.    We had moved a lot so I am a long ways away from any of my family.   I don't have much outside support to help me.   I just decided I had to save my kids.   I spend as much time as I can with them.

If you would have asked me a year ago I could not have imagined the transformation that has taken place.   Last year my kids at this time were struggling in school and I had teachers telling me they might get held back.   One year later they have straight As.    Not only that, but they no longer have any behavior problems in school.   The teachers love having them in their classes.   They are well behaved and liked by all.   I am constantly stopped at the school and praised on how awesome my kids are.

The transformation of these kids is nothing short of amazing.   It really has shown me how destructive our marriage was to them.   It's hard to know what the long term affects will be for sure, but divorce was absolutely the right choice.   I got very fortunate to have a very good GAL who probably saved my kids lives.

[Mutt]

Hi suffering_parent,



I agree. Divorce is not an easy decision. I think it's about saving the kids too. My ex was the same. Much of the devaluation of dad was done in front of them and it broke me to pieces they were witnessing that. I didn't realize the importance of emotional well being. I'm also happy that we're split and the chaos is over in my house.

I can foster an environment that is healthier and an emotional safezone from mom's fallout. It's quiet, peaceful, just the way I like it  

I'm happy to hear your kids are turning around! That's good news   You may already know this and my apologies if you do. I'd like to offer you advice to help your kids.

Validation is a powerful and simple tool for your kids.

I'm sorry to hear that it came to this after 12 years. That said, you did the right thing if your marriage was bad. Thanks for sharing.

[Popcorn71]

I am glad things worked out well for you and that you feel you made the right choice.

I went through a lot with my xBPDh and it affected my kids badly.  In a way, it was easier for me because they were my kids from my first marriage.  I did not have to worry about them not seeing my ex anymore.  In fact, I knew that they would be very happy not to have anything more to do with him.

It is amazing how one person can have such a negative affect on the lives of everyone within the family.  Like you, I have seen such changes in my kids and the chaos has gone for me too.

Isn't it a great feeling!

[Mutt]

It is amazing how one person can have such a negative affect on the lives of everyone within the family.  Like you, I have seen such changes in my kids and the chaos has gone for me too.

Isn't it a great feeling!

I would also like to add. I spent years trying to fix / change the other person in my marriage. It is amazing how things change when you change.

I think that's also a great feeling too  

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I need to hear positive divorce stories. I am in the very beginning of the detaching process. I still live with my husband and we have 4 kids. I know that the relationship dysfunction between me and their dad is having a negative impact on my kids. When he went out of town for a weekend, things were so much more peaceful. I know my kids love their dad but he makes them so anxious and he invalidates them in ways that I did not even realize until I started reading and doing research.

I, too, have 4 kids (all girls) and I am trying to find a way out. Making up my mind and working on emotionally detaching is the first step in the process for me. There are days when I feel like giving up and sucking it up and staying because I am so afraid of what divorce will do to our girls. After 18 years, it is very scary so hearing your story gives me hope!