Denial

[Depression = 72% of members]

WELL THEN! Sounds like your h is firmly in touch with his inner and outer selves! Too bad those selves aren't too pretty. 

I stayed confused for a long time because occasionally my uBPDh could be there for me, so I never knew which part of him to expect. So when the part of him that appeared to consider me showed up I stayed hooked in longer.

And I still feel like I am in denial. . .I hear him say things. I watch him do things and I still catch myself thinking, "Maybe now that he is aware of this stuff, he will work to change it." I still catch myself holding on to some kind of invisible, false hope. What the hell is it going to take for me to see the cold, hard facts as they are rather than as how I want to see them?

[vortex of confusion]

WELL THEN! Sounds like your h is firmly in touch with his inner and outer selves! Too bad those selves aren't too pretty. 

I stayed confused for a long time because occasionally my uBPDh could be there for me, so I never knew which part of him to expect. So when the part of him that appeared to consider me showed up I stayed hooked in longer.

And I still feel like I am in denial. . .I hear him say things. I watch him do things and I still catch myself thinking, "Maybe now that he is aware of this stuff, he will work to change it." I still catch myself holding on to some kind of invisible, false hope. What the hell is it going to take for me to see the cold, hard facts as they are rather than as how I want to see them?

[Elpis]

Vortex,

you will see it. And you'll know when you see it. One day something he does or says will make it clear to you the affect his behaviors and attitudes have on you and your girls, and you'll say "enough."

Even if it's a temporary separation to allow him time to get serious and get the help he needs, being apart from the day to day with him will give you Clarity.

[vortex of confusion]

Vortex,

you will see it. And you'll know when you see it. One day something he does or says will make it clear to you the affect his behaviors and attitudes have on you and your girls, and you'll say "enough."

Even if it's a temporary separation to allow him time to get serious and get the help he needs, being apart from the day to day with him will give you Clarity.

Every day, little things happen. Every day, I see things more and more clearly but feel paralyzed about how to deal with it.

I know that he is not going to leave. I tried to talk to him about us going our separate ways. He says that he can't because we don't have the money. We are not financially stable enough. That is true but I feel like he is holding on to that as an excuse. He says crap like, "Oh, I want to set you free but there just isn't enough money."

[Elpis]

Can you get a legal separation so that you're more financially able to care for your girls?

[billypilgrim]

I made the assumption that my husband would be treating our relationship the same way I did, and that's where I got into trouble. I kept on trying to love and help him, and he kept on saying the words "i love you" but the actions said differently

Well said.  This is the way I felt about things as well. I assumed that her words matched how she felt about things.  And that's why I was always so taken off guard when she had "issues" with our r/s.  It's also why I felt so blindsided when she left.  Her talk was about love, starting a family, and a new house.  Her actions said otherwise.  

[vortex of confusion]

Can you get a legal separation so that you're more financially able to care for your girls?

I don't know how that would help. What I want is for him to be out of the house. I want space from him. The last time I got any space was when I left for a week. He had a chance to take a little vacation but he kept it as short as possible. It is like he wants to be here but doesn't want to step up to the plate. Not sure if that makes any sense. In my opinion, he doesn't want to be here because he loves me and the kids, he wants to be here because that is what is easiest and he gets a lot out of being here. If he were to leave, he would have to be responsible and take care of his own bills, etc.

[Elpis]

I made the assumption that my husband would be treating our relationship the same way I did, and that's where I got into trouble. I kept on trying to love and help him, and he kept on saying the words "i love you" but the actions said differently

Well said.  This is the way I felt about things as well. I assumed that her words matched how she felt about things.  And that's why I was always so taken off guard when she had "issues" with our r/s.  It's also why I felt so blindsided when she left.  Her talk was about love, starting a family, and a new house.  Her actions said otherwise. 

I know! mine talked of retirement and what we would do and where we would be... .I think he was basing all those thoughts on what his parents did, but it's a different time, and they were wise with their money. But I never saw the actions take place that would increase his retirement benefits, and he would often say in despair, "I'm going to have to work till I die!" Huge disparity. Hard for me to finally catch onto because I didn't want to see the truth for what it was.


Vortex:

Just read this:

It is this high degree of mutual, unhealthy dependence on the part of both the enabler and the enabled that makes the relationship codependent and resistant to change. It is often very hard for either person to end a relationship even when the relationship is painful or abusive. It is not unusual for one or both to feel trapped.

here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Great article, well worth reading.

And the way a legal separation or a divorce would help would be to divide your assets and make you independent. It's hard to know we're gonna be the ones who have to make the choice because they're comfortable. I struggled hard with that until one day it became so obvious I had to go.