I made the assumption that my husband would be treating our relationship the same way I did, and that's where I got into trouble. I kept on trying to love and help him, and he kept on saying the words "i love you" but the actions said differently
Well said. This is the way I felt about things as well. I assumed that her words matched how she felt about things. And that's why I was always so taken off guard when she had "issues" with our r/s. It's also why I felt so blindsided when she left. Her talk was about love, starting a family, and a new house. Her actions said otherwise.
I know! mine talked of retirement and what we would do and where we would be... .I think he was basing all those thoughts on what his parents did, but it's a different time, and they were wise with their money. But I never saw the actions take place that would increase his retirement benefits, and he would often say in despair, "I'm going to have to work till I die!" Huge disparity. Hard for me to finally catch onto because I didn't want to see the truth for what it was.
Vortex:
Just read this:
It is this high degree of mutual, unhealthy dependence on the part of both the enabler and the enabled that makes the relationship codependent and resistant to change. It is often very hard for either person to end a relationship even when the relationship is painful or abusive. It is not unusual for one or both to feel trapped.
here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationshipsGreat article, well worth reading.
And the way a legal separation or a divorce would help would be to divide your assets and make you independent. It's hard to know we're gonna be the ones who have to make the choice because they're comfortable. I struggled hard with that until one day it became so obvious I had to go.