Help me erase my relationship

[Depression = 72% of members]

Give me all your tips pls.  I've had enough.  The time has come to end this for good.  

I am not even going to put energy into writing about all that has happened this week.  I am that fed up and done with it all.  Long story short I caught him cheating again and his response has been to get his evil a$$ friends to rain down hell on me as if I was the one at fault.  I want this loser and his band of demons out of my life. I have battled them for far too long.  It's not worth it.

I will be changing my phone # as soon as I can.  I just don't want him or anyone connected to him to have contact with me anymore.

I need to go brutally NC and erase him from my life for good.  Please help me do this before I lose what sanity I still have left after all the gaslighting, emotional abuse and cheating.  I really need help or I don't think I will survive to see 2016.  

[Perdita]

Give me all your tips pls.  I've had enough.  The time has come to end this for good.  

I am not even going to put energy into writing about all that has happened this week.  I am that fed up and done with it all.  Long story short I caught him cheating again and his response has been to get his evil a$$ friends to rain down hell on me as if I was the one at fault.  I want this loser and his band of demons out of my life. I have battled them for far too long.  It's not worth it.

I will be changing my phone # as soon as I can.  I just don't want him or anyone connected to him to have contact with me anymore.

I need to go brutally NC and erase him from my life for good.  Please help me do this before I lose what sanity I still have left after all the gaslighting, emotional abuse and cheating.  I really need help or I don't think I will survive to see 2016.  

[Clearmind]

Perdita. I have been where you are. It hurts like hell, I was so pissed at my ex I couldn't see straight. Yet he was still the first person I thought about when I woke up and the last person I thought about when I lay in bed at night.

I certainly got real. I let reality slow sink in who my ex was. He wasn't who I thought he was, he was someone I had hoped he would be - for me. I was asking him to be something he couldn't.

Secondly I started to look at what was going on in my own life and mind when I met him. I had only just separated from a partner the day before. I was after some frivolous fun. It should never had gone past that first meeting. The red flags in hindsight was flapping. Furiously in the wind.

When I was where you are I so wanted to erase my entire relationship. Now I thank goodness for having met him. I have had a massive awakening to myself and my own past. There was a lot going on in my own life which I had no clue about until I met my ex. He triggered a lot of my own fears, abandonment issues and I had so much healing to do from my own childhood.

You see, my ex was brought to me for a reason and at the age of 37 a light bulb went off - I looked long and hard at me and why I chose and more importantly stayed with a man like that. What was it about me that thought I deserved scraps?

[jammo1989]

Just call them out on their behaviour that's enough within itself to get them to run away.  If this guy is BPD, you need to set your boundaries, and by doing so so tell him, I think you need to go see a therapist because I think you have BPD.  Not only will this trigger him, but it will also make him realise that you know the real person that he tries so hard to hide.  So tell him that you can see right through him and that you know the real him and with that in mind just block him on all social media and also block his number.  Don't play these mind games anymore, so it doesn't matter if he gets the last word. But what matters is that you block him once and for all.

[Mutt]

Long story short I caught him cheating again and his response has been to get his evil a$$ friends to rain down hell on me as if I was the one at fault.  I want this loser and his band of demons out of my life. I have battled them for far too long.  It's not worth it.

Hi Perdita,

A strange game. The winning move is not to play.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through  It's hard when your SO cheats on you and distorts reality and project his anxiety, stress, guilt on you. I can relate.

It's sounds like a distortion campaign.

I agree. It's not worth the energy or time to fight. The best way to deal with this is do nothing. It shall pass.

I suggest very firm boundaries. Radio silence with him and his associates.

I don't know your background. I'm sorry.

Are you getting divorced? Have kids?

Does he call, text, FB, e-mail?

Has he tried to distort you to your family?

[AnnMargret]

Perdita,

I have been there, especially with the distortion campaign.  I am divorcing my husband of 21+ years and as I reflect on my lack of supports I realize how I allowed him to misrepresent me to others so much that no one knew what to believe and just backed away.  It was like he needed validation from a bunch of "normal" people to make his sleazy behavior acceptable.

Change your number, take the high road, and remember that if others don't eventually see through his distortions and smear campaign, they probably aren't people you'd want for friends anyway!

Unfortunately, I have lifelong ties to my husband because we have a child together.  I shouldn't say "unfortunately" because I love my daughter to bits and thanks to recognizing her biological predisposition for BPD I can make sure all possible measures are taken to avoid seeing it develop in her.  Some good has to come from everything, and if this was the price I had to pay to have my wonderful kid, I would do it ten times over.  So, if we "erase" our relationships we wouldn't learn from them.  Maybe we can just erase some of the pain (over time)... .

[Trog]

One tip, make everything in the recovery about you, your safety, your peace of mind, your learnings, try not to obsess over what they do/did/doing.

I'm not in the least bit curious where my ex is, never check facebook, changed number, moved away, coa she hurt me. And she hurts me with every contact. So... .It's not good enough and i (we) deserve more.

Learning about my codependency is really fulfilling, I wish I were not that way, and im going to try to recover from it, but if it were not for this nightmare I wouldn't find my new girlfriend (haven't found her yet but I'm told she's gonna be awesome).

Anyway #1 advice, pay them as little mind as possible, they had enough attention already and blew it. I haven't reached the part where im sorry she has an illness yet, I have no empathy for her whatsoever right now and I assume that's how the brain protects itself from more hurt. I wouldn't hurt her, I just want her vanished.

[downwhim]

Perdita,

My ex and I were together 8 years. He cheated on me behind my back 8  months after we got engaged. He humiliated me, made a mockery of our engagement and our life together. His low life girlfriend called me at 2:30 am to say she was my twin, laughing, drunk, pathetic.

I hate him. Sorry, I sure I will get criticized for that but I hate him. Right now I am 3months N/C. It has been difficult because I want to go to his house and scream at him. Tell him he has BPD and that I knew he was cheating all along. I am furious.

All I can say is go N/C. It is the only power we have and you can do it. You have support here. Just keep posting, see a T and work only on YOU. Do all you can to stay healthy.

I am moving away. I live very close to him. I have blocked him on all media. Do not communicate with him and change to leaving instead of undecided. He doesn't deserve you! Hang in there.

[Perdita]

Thanks all for the support.  I am getting ready to go out soon to go change my cell number.  Will reply when I am back.

[eyvindr]

Hi Perdita,

I'm sorry that you're going through this, and glad that you've found this community.

It sounds like you've made a decision, which while very difficult to do, is in most cases exactly what needs to happen in order for positive change to begin. Good for you.

From your posts, it sounds like you've been very unhappy with your partner and this relationship for quite some time. It sounds like you aren't married to your SO, and it seems like you aren't living together, either. You aren't engaged, you have no children or shared property (?) -- correct me if I'm mistaken. If I'm not, it sounds like you're poised for a clean break. Good luck with it.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

You have made a great decision to remove yourself from the hell of BPD abuse.  My advice is to avoid, at all costs any form of triangulation.  Triangulation seems to be their classless little trick they use to keep you in the game while they play out the mirroring/idealisation game with your replacement. They will also use it when their "perfect" relationship begins to crumble.  As soon as they realise you are strong with your NC some sort of subterranean fear kicks off deep inside their little BPD heads and they reach out.  My ex actually sent me a text declaring her love for me and allowing me the yes or no as to whether she should go to Greece on holiday with my replacement - and that was the day before they were to leave.  Pathetic.  Keep reading on this board.  Keep your NC together.  Good luck.

[Perdita]

I'm sorry that you're going through this, and glad that you've found this community.

Thanks eyvinder.  I am brand new to the Leaving board, but an oldie from the Undecided board.    It took me way too long to come to the Leaving board.

It sounds like you've made a decision, which while very difficult to do, is in most cases exactly what needs to happen in order for positive change to begin. Good for you.

You are so right.  The whole thing, this week in particular, has been absolute hell.  I am looking forward to getting out the other side though.  

From your posts, it sounds like you've been very unhappy with your partner and this relationship for quite some time.

When things were good they were very good, but they became less frequent and the bad times were horrible.

It sounds like you aren't married to your SO, and it seems like you aren't living together, either. You aren't engaged, you have no children or shared property (?) -- correct me if I'm mistaken. If I'm not, it sounds like you're poised for a clean break. Good luck with it.

TG no we weren't married, no kids.  Some property issue, but will hopefully be resolved in the near future.  I just hope he doesn't decide to be an as$ about that.

I did change my # today.  Felt good doing that and erasing phone numbers.  

Is there a good program to block people from sending messages to my gmail?  All is quiet on that front and it has only been him sending e-mails.  I just fear the day I start getting email crap from his band of demons.  I want to have something inplace and ready to go.

I will need to pack away reminders of him.  I've already started today, but there's still quite a bit of work to be done.  I am going to take the Christmas gifts he got me (should have known something was up for him to buy me xmas gifts) and return them to the store for cold hard cash.  I have some vouchers he gave me a while ago that I am going to try and sell too.  The birthday gifts I bought him last year went totally unappreciated.  Weird thing is that it was right up his alley, yet he put the stuff back in the gift bag and just let it stand at his brother's house in a corner for 4 months before I reclaimed it.  I spend quite a bit of money on that and have decided to sell it online.  I have several football t-shirt that he also gave me.  None have actually been worn.  I basically just tried them on and none every looked "right" on me.  They will need to go.  Taking up too much space.

There have been a couple of times today and last night when I felt the tears coming.  Today when it happened again I realized that I am not crying for him.  I am crying for all the love and devotion I gave to a creep who never appreciated it.  I know I couldn't have loved him more or better than I did.  He really is the fool.  It's so hard to find real love in this world.  Only an idiot would throw it away and feel nothing.  

Back to ME.  I've been jogging and did again today.  Believe me, I am not a jogger but here I am going out jogging 3 times this hell week already.  It helps clear my head to get out and also let off some steam.  I am even considering joining a gym.  I've never been a gym member in my life.  The people that know me best will pass out cold if I should tell them I am considering doing this!  

I also made a point of making a new friend today and she has invited me to spend tomorrow afternoon with her family.  

It's all about change for me.  I can't sit still now or I might not be able to get up again for months.

[Perdita]

You have made a great decision to remove yourself from the hell of BPD abuse.  My advice is to avoid, at all costs any form of triangulation.  Triangulation seems to be their classless little trick they use to keep you in the game while they play out the mirroring/idealisation game with your replacement. They will also use it when their "perfect" relationship begins to crumble.

That will probably happen right as I am emerging from my hell.  Then his will begin and he will try to drag me back to hell.   

As soon as they realise you are strong with your NC some sort of subterranean fear kicks off deep inside their little BPD heads and they reach out.

I've been thinking that there is no way this will happen.  Him contacting me again, reaching out.  Yet I have been on the boards long enough to know that this can happen no matter how vicious the break up.  I guess nothing can prepare one for when it does happen.  How it will happen I don't know, but it certainly won't be via phone as he doesn't have my new number and there is no one that will have it that has any contact with him.

I know he contacted his ex, way back after they broke up, with some scary text message.  I am still not clear on the details except that it scared her and I half suspect he was hinting at suicide.  I guess one should expect the unexpected.  < I hate surprises of any kind.

My ex actually sent me a text declaring her love for me and allowing me the yes or no as to whether she should go to Greece on holiday with my replacement - and that was the day before they were to leave.  Pathetic.  Keep reading on this board.  Keep your NC together.  Good luck.

Thanks, I will.  What you say has me wondering how many times they must have done stuff like that to us without us knowing.  Contacting the ex with some rediculous advice request.