Did your ex BPD partner 'thrive' after the break up

[lipstick]

Mine wants his FB world to believe he's thriving. After presenting this question to other members on this forum - I'm pretty much convinced he's just "fronting". Putting on a front trying to convince everyone (including himself) that his life & marriage are just the most awesome of awesome.

Funny - most happy couples that I know are off enjoying life and each other. He spends his "down time" posting on FB. Well - his down time and work time and out to dinner time and, well, you get it... .ALL of his time.   

[christin5433]

It's so good to be reading and discussing this stuff with others who relate to this madness. I read and I get it. I understand even though different scenarios. The fact is we get bullied is the word I would always use to explain her behavior but if you seen and spoke with her you would think she is normal. It's interpersonal relationships that they struggle with. When I'd explain my situations my closest friends sometimes thought I was exaggerating... .Until I'd read her texts then they understood I was dealing with a emotionally immature person. If I talk about my ex in this manner no one would believe me ? She'd be much better at her manipulative talks about me to others because she would straight up lie calling me controlling and manipulative ? Because I had a opinion or wanted to get along? They need drama , chaos In order to distract from seeing themselves , 

[enlighten me]

Its not only after the break up they thrive. If my exgf went somewhere with the kids but without me I would ask her if they had a nice time to which the reply was always amazing. I has my otger sons one day and we went off without her. We had a really great time. Lots of laughs, junk food and general fun. She asked me how it was and I said fantastic. Her reply was theres no need to exagerate you only went out with your boys!

They always have to potray perfection or great hardship. The school run is never bland. Its either a life or death struggle with the evil motorists or a fantasy adventure where so much fun happened.

[jhkbuzz]

If they are truly BPD, then one can assume that a b/u does not make them a better person or more happy, at least not in the long run. The psychological wounds that establish their illness in the first place do not go away via a breakup... .matter of fact, I would speculate that the breakup further complicates their condition.

Yup ^

[Ezra]

I defintely feel worse after looking at her social media, its just hard to detatch since i never saw any of this coming. I had a realisation this morning though, shes just not normal - normal people dont go around ruining other people and making sure they suffer even more. Even if she was done with the relationship, its still not normal to not even grieve for the loss of six years with someone and not care how much pain they have inflicted. I assume she is throwing herself into the weight loss as a way to keep herself focused on somethinge else. She hasnt found a replacement yet but thats not without trying, shes on every single dating app around.

The things she has said to me post break up are just disgusting, so evil in nature and mean. i dont know who she is anymore and its just so sad how many years i spent with someone i didnt even know. Very frustrating seeing her doing so well and being someone i wouldve loved to have been with all along - but im sure this is a front and the real person will come back in time. I havent seen her be this person in the six years i knew her.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I defintely feel worse after looking at her social media, its just hard to detatch since i never saw any of this coming. I had a realisation this morning though, shes just not normal - normal people dont go around ruining other people and making sure they suffer even more. Even if she was done with the relationship, its still not normal to not even grieve for the loss of six years with someone and not care how much pain they have inflicted. I assume she is throwing herself into the weight loss as a way to keep herself focused on somethinge else. She hasnt found a replacement yet but thats not without trying, shes on every single dating app around.

The things she has said to me post break up are just disgusting, so evil in nature and mean. i dont know who she is anymore and its just so sad how many years i spent with someone i didnt even know. Very frustrating seeing her doing so well and being someone i wouldve loved to have been with all along - but im sure this is a front and the real person will come back in time. I havent seen her be this person in the six years i knew her.

Mine exactly just tack on 3.5 more years. There's some Narcissism in there too. She changed so drastically since she went to her current job 6 years ago. Only changed dramatically into a vitriolic so and so startling last February. Would have been nice to know what set her off tho I have my suspicions.

[Infared]

Mine thrived in the weeks before the breakup. She already had an affair with my replacement. After she told me it's over, I broke down and she had a phone call with her mom, told her enthusiastically about a a musical event at her workplace and how great she feels, than they joked and she laughed. After that she turned to me and said "I can laugh again at last."  

Nice. I don't understand that when they are doing the dumping the also want to twist the knife. I dumped mine, but she hurt me and then twist the knife in other situations again and again. Its like they smell blood. IMO normal people, when they see an upset person or have upset a person, will apologise and comfort the other person. Not my ex. She seemed to revel and gain energy from hurting people.  

That was EXACTLY my experience!

[Infern0]

Nope.

For about the first month she put on the act of everything being fantastic but tbh there were already signs of major problems.

Being as she cheated on my replacement with me I got to look under the hood of their relationship and it's carnage.  No sex,  she's cheating,  fights,  hospital visits,  she's lost her job so they are broke and have bills owing etc.


She's worse off now than with me,  our relationship had problems but I honestly think her current one is going to end with one of them suiciding

[Perfidy]

Ok, I'll contribute.

   Yes. She is thriving. When we were together she wouldn't get off meth. She wouldn't work. She was a nothing and a nobody. She did not mainstream.

   Now, she's with someone more compatible. She's off meth. She has a job.

   To me, this is her own personal growth. I'm happy that she is happy. I hope that she is well throughout her lifetime. I'm happy for her.

   She couldn't achieve success with me because I gave her everything. 

[ScotisGone74]

She s "thriving" alright, on facebook and all around any friends the replacement has.     Glad to be alive and out of Oz.   

[christin5433]

It's funny they thrive. After they destroy the one that stood by and accepted their flaws . Even helped them to become a better person ? I am currently out of this messed up life and I went to a aa meeting today and everyone keeps asking me if I'm ok? And a friend told me my ex is concerned if I'm ok? What a joke? She's concerned after her total break up from hell? A b/u out of know with a highly dramatic exit with a smear campaign and she shows others she is being compassionate ? She never showed me compassion unless I coached her.

I want and wish for all of us to get to a place where no one cares they thrive. How they come out smelling like a dozen roses is all bs. It is a inside job to get better not a outside job! Truth is keep working on yourself , keep a low profile , and don't watch there show of success . It's all bs the new friends the new replacement r/s and it really doesn't matter. Be free by not caring.

[willy45]

Dude.

I've been where are you. Trust me man. I'm a three year veteran of a textbook BPD breakup.

For months after she found her new man, I thought it was me. I was the problem. She had this amazing life and I was just left depressed and hardly able to cope. Seriously. Trust me 100%. I've been there.

Fast forward three years. I just met up with her last week. I knew her new guy had left about 8 months back (out of the blue like I did... .her words). I knew she was having a hard time. But dude. I had no idea just how bad. She is being forced out of her job by her boss who is putting her on probation for inappropriate behaviour, she got kicked out the house she was living in, she basically broke, she looks super old for her age, she cries all the time, she's angry, ostracized her niece (whom she was very close to), is on the outs with her Dad that she tried to mend 8 years ago (although she didn't tell me details... .only shot me a look when I asked how he was doing and she told me she didn't want to talk about it), freaks out upon any inquiry as to why she was wanting to spend so much time with me, is finally in therapy, is having an 'existential crisis' (whatever that means... .something about not knowing why she is on the planet and what her purpose is, the nature of human misery and if it is worth living). She told me she is just doing an experiment right now to see if she can get through it all and get to the other side but that catastrophe was around every corner.

Not so great, huh? I'm not happy about this. I'm confused as all h*ll in a way, but also not. Everything that I tried to talk to her about when we were together, is all surfacing now. She can't contain it anymore. The mask she wears is cracking all over the place, in every area of her life, and even physically. Her face is  full of wrinkles and she's only 35.

So, listen man. I know what you are going through. You are idealizing this person and blaming yourself. I've been there buddy. For months and months. It sucks. But you can get through this. Your ex will likely not be thinking anything is wrong with her. She probably thinks its was all you. And you, like a confused, dizzy person, are likely right now thinking the same thing. But... .here's the thing. It has NOTHING to do with her. She hasn't changed. She is the same person you knew. You know more about her than whatever self she is curating on social media.

Here's my suggestions: Block her from everything. Don't look for her. Stop checking in. It will only serve to make you think its all you. Don't do it. Avoid it like it is toxic poison, because it is. Focus on yourself. Despite being depressed as all get down, start something. Anything. Get fit. Start a hobby. Start a business. Plan a trip. Whatever. Do it. Even if it doesn't feel good. Even if you are still depressed before, during and after. Do it. The choices you make now will determine where you end up in a year, two years, three years. And trust me man, as time goes on and you focus on yourself, you will flourish. You have that choice. She, sadly, does not. She will repeat the same cycles over and over and over again. Get off the crazy train. You have a choice.

I did that. My mantra was 'What I choose now will determine what happens later'. I told myself that every day. And I started stuff. Got fit (now have a six pack at 40). Started a business (I'm now wealthy). Started a hobby (now play guitar and paint). Did a bunch of non-profit work (am now famous in a certain, powerful, non-profit circle). I started all this stuff in the absolute worst depression of my life. In the exact same place you are now. Exactly. And now, three years later, I compare my life to hers. And holy cow... .She's still all nuts. She actually worse than when I left her (or maybe the same... .maybe I just didn't notice how bad she was before).

Does it make me feel better to know she is struggling? Nope. I actually feel bad for her. She literally has no idea why 'life is kicking her in the teeth (her words)'. She doesn't understand why everyone is 'crazy' around her. She thinks she has a 'fatal flaw' but has absolutely no idea what that is. Really. It's sad. She is trying really hard to understand. But just can't. She does not have that capacity. She ill. It's like she has body part missing. She can not understand at all why people around her get angry by her behavior. She just thinks everyone around her crazy! No capacity to understand her part in it, own it, learn from it, and fix it. Where she ends up, I have no idea. But, not my problem.

Anyhow, I hope this helps. I know it sucks man. You can't control her. And dude. Why would you want to? You can only control yourself. And despite how you feel, you can still function. You can still make choices. Do some rad ___! Get on it! You got this!

[letmeout]

Mine thrived, then dived.

Its sad how they try to come crawling back when nothing is working for them. I believe my BPDex thinks that since I was able to put up with his behavior for so many years that I am willing to do it again.

No thanks, I learned my lesson well. Take heed to the advice on this forum to maintain no contact and never ever go back to that kind of special hell.

[Infared]

I defintely feel worse after looking at her social media, its just hard to detatch since i never saw any of this coming. I had a realisation this morning though, shes just not normal - normal people dont go around ruining other people and making sure they suffer even more. Even if she was done with the relationship, its still not normal to not even grieve for the loss of six years with someone and not care how much pain they have inflicted. I assume she is throwing herself into the weight loss as a way to keep herself focused on somethinge else. She hasnt found a replacement yet but thats not without trying, shes on every single dating app around.

The things she has said to me post break up are just disgusting, so evil in nature and mean. i dont know who she is anymore and its just so sad how many years i spent with someone i didnt even know. Very frustrating seeing her doing so well and being someone i wouldve loved to have been with all along - but im sure this is a front and the real person will come back in time. I havent seen her be this person in the six years i knew her.

Ezra... .

I saw signs of who she turned out to be when I first met her.  ... but once she started mirroring me I just forgave her for any of those behaviors directed at others... I never thought it would be me.   She showed no signs of being an abusive person toward me while we were together... .but then she just turned into someone that I did not know who was cruel and abusive to me. Kind of psycho. (She was with someone else and lying about it... .I was clueless)

I was extremely hurt and confused... .but she was getting enjoyment out of causing me emotional pain. It was pretty sick.

I think that you are making healthy choices, consulting a professional and attending to your depression. Not where you want to be... .but you are facing your completely understandable pain. It hurts like hell and there are not any sensible answers.

If your situation is like mine... .just focus on you. Do not go toward her for anything... you will be laughed at, ridiculed and abused. I know it makes no sense... .but just see the situation for what it is as best you can and focus on choices that help YOU. Most of us have been through what you are going through. It makes no sense... but just take baby steps and keep moving forward.

I feel for you and understand your pain.

[christin5433]

Such good advice. Stay off social media lay low from all common places keep a NC rule and figure out who the heck you are w/o abusive behavior . Mine too seem to enjoy hurting me. I never got the understanding of her joy in it? The kids would just ignore her ways towards me. I'd just chalk it up to she has BPD and she's doing the best she can. Now it's over and the b/u was beyond bad even though I didn't even fight her? Was she fighting herself I ask? Who was she enraged with ? I just watched her split black right in front of me for 2 weeks straight . I know she blamed everything on me things that were not even worth arguing over but she insisted she needed me to change in every way ? I just said "no" I'm not gonna change this time.

Now post holiday b/u and not committing suicide myself I am in a fog daily but I'm going through this w/o NC and no social media no running into her. Just staying under the abuse radar . I feel that's truely the first step towards detaching . Fog and all I do feel like I'm learning peace inside . Them thriving is not gonna help me to watch and know all about . That would just be more joy for her.

[2014]

I absolutely loved this post and this is exactly what i needed to read. THANK YOU SIR 

Dude.

I've been where are you. Trust me man. I'm a three year veteran of a textbook BPD breakup.

For months after she found her new man, I thought it was me. I was the problem. She had this amazing life and I was just left depressed and hardly able to cope. Seriously. Trust me 100%. I've been there.

Fast forward three years. I just met up with her last week. I knew her new guy had left about 8 months back (out of the blue like I did... .her words). I knew she was having a hard time. But dude. I had no idea just how bad. She is being forced out of her job by her boss who is putting her on probation for inappropriate behaviour, she got kicked out the house she was living in, she basically broke, she looks super old for her age, she cries all the time, she's angry, ostracized her niece (whom she was very close to), is on the outs with her Dad that she tried to mend 8 years ago (although she didn't tell me details... .only shot me a look when I asked how he was doing and she told me she didn't want to talk about it), freaks out upon any inquiry as to why she was wanting to spend so much time with me, is finally in therapy, is having an 'existential crisis' (whatever that means... .something about not knowing why she is on the planet and what her purpose is, the nature of human misery and if it is worth living). She told me she is just doing an experiment right now to see if she can get through it all and get to the other side but that catastrophe was around every corner.

Not so great, huh? I'm not happy about this. I'm confused as all h*ll in a way, but also not. Everything that I tried to talk to her about when we were together, is all surfacing now. She can't contain it anymore. The mask she wears is cracking all over the place, in every area of her life, and even physically. Her face is  full of wrinkles and she's only 35.

So, listen man. I know what you are going through. You are idealizing this person and blaming yourself. I've been there buddy. For months and months. It sucks. But you can get through this. Your ex will likely not be thinking anything is wrong with her. She probably thinks its was all you. And you, like a confused, dizzy person, are likely right now thinking the same thing. But... .here's the thing. It has NOTHING to do with her. She hasn't changed. She is the same person you knew. You know more about her than whatever self she is curating on social media.

Here's my suggestions: Block her from everything. Don't look for her. Stop checking in. It will only serve to make you think its all you. Don't do it. Avoid it like it is toxic poison, because it is. Focus on yourself. Despite being depressed as all get down, start something. Anything. Get fit. Start a hobby. Start a business. Plan a trip. Whatever. Do it. Even if it doesn't feel good. Even if you are still depressed before, during and after. Do it. The choices you make now will determine where you end up in a year, two years, three years. And trust me man, as time goes on and you focus on yourself, you will flourish. You have that choice. She, sadly, does not. She will repeat the same cycles over and over and over again. Get off the crazy train. You have a choice.

I did that. My mantra was 'What I choose now will determine what happens later'. I told myself that every day. And I started stuff. Got fit (now have a six pack at 40). Started a business (I'm now wealthy). Started a hobby (now play guitar and paint). Did a bunch of non-profit work (am now famous in a certain, powerful, non-profit circle). I started all this stuff in the absolute worst depression of my life. In the exact same place you are now. Exactly. And now, three years later, I compare my life to hers. And holy cow... .She's still all nuts. She actually worse than when I left her (or maybe the same... .maybe I just didn't notice how bad she was before).

Does it make me feel better to know she is struggling? Nope. I actually feel bad for her. She literally has no idea why 'life is kicking her in the teeth (her words)'. She doesn't understand why everyone is 'crazy' around her. She thinks she has a 'fatal flaw' but has absolutely no idea what that is. Really. It's sad. She is trying really hard to understand. But just can't. She does not have that capacity. She ill. It's like she has body part missing. She can not understand at all why people around her get angry by her behavior. She just thinks everyone around her crazy! No capacity to understand her part in it, own it, learn from it, and fix it. Where she ends up, I have no idea. But, not my problem.

Anyhow, I hope this helps. I know it sucks man. You can't control her. And dude. Why would you want to? You can only control yourself. And despite how you feel, you can still function. You can still make choices. Do some rad ___! Get on it! You got this!

[parisian]

It depends what you define 'thrive' as.

Mine continued on as if nothing had ever happened after our b/u. Social media is a very poor barometer to measure this, because we all know they will only post things about how great their life is, and how many fun things they are doing.

Mine started going out drinking more (well you can't get a replacement staying home!). She already had drinking problems when she was with me (I don't drink much), so heck, just drink some more, that will fix everything.

Living life at 1,000 miles an hour as she always does, but a bit faster now because she's got no one to be her weekend object like I was (or maybe she has).

It doesn't really matter. I hope she is happy but what she does with her life now is no longer my concern or my care or my business .

The most important thing is for me to thrive. And yes, I'm getting there. Much easier now without her

[christin5433]

Yes it's time for us to thrive at least now we have a chance now and I'm not a object so that's also a way to thrive . A object is not alive .

[Ezra]

I cant even begin to describe how amazing these words are, thankyou thankyou 

Dude.

I've been where are you. Trust me man. I'm a three year veteran of a textbook BPD breakup.

For months after she found her new man, I thought it was me. I was the problem. She had this amazing life and I was just left depressed and hardly able to cope. Seriously. Trust me 100%. I've been there.

Fast forward three years. I just met up with her last week. I knew her new guy had left about 8 months back (out of the blue like I did... .her words). I knew she was having a hard time. But dude. I had no idea just how bad. She is being forced out of her job by her boss who is putting her on probation for inappropriate behaviour, she got kicked out the house she was living in, she basically broke, she looks super old for her age, she cries all the time, she's angry, ostracized her niece (whom she was very close to), is on the outs with her Dad that she tried to mend 8 years ago (although she didn't tell me details... .only shot me a look when I asked how he was doing and she told me she didn't want to talk about it), freaks out upon any inquiry as to why she was wanting to spend so much time with me, is finally in therapy, is having an 'existential crisis' (whatever that means... .something about not knowing why she is on the planet and what her purpose is, the nature of human misery and if it is worth living). She told me she is just doing an experiment right now to see if she can get through it all and get to the other side but that catastrophe was around every corner.

Not so great, huh? I'm not happy about this. I'm confused as all h*ll in a way, but also not. Everything that I tried to talk to her about when we were together, is all surfacing now. She can't contain it anymore. The mask she wears is cracking all over the place, in every area of her life, and even physically. Her face is  full of wrinkles and she's only 35.

So, listen man. I know what you are going through. You are idealizing this person and blaming yourself. I've been there buddy. For months and months. It sucks. But you can get through this. Your ex will likely not be thinking anything is wrong with her. She probably thinks its was all you. And you, like a confused, dizzy person, are likely right now thinking the same thing. But... .here's the thing. It has NOTHING to do with her. She hasn't changed. She is the same person you knew. You know more about her than whatever self she is curating on social media.

Here's my suggestions: Block her from everything. Don't look for her. Stop checking in. It will only serve to make you think its all you. Don't do it. Avoid it like it is toxic poison, because it is. Focus on yourself. Despite being depressed as all get down, start something. Anything. Get fit. Start a hobby. Start a business. Plan a trip. Whatever. Do it. Even if it doesn't feel good. Even if you are still depressed before, during and after. Do it. The choices you make now will determine where you end up in a year, two years, three years. And trust me man, as time goes on and you focus on yourself, you will flourish. You have that choice. She, sadly, does not. She will repeat the same cycles over and over and over again. Get off the crazy train. You have a choice.

I did that. My mantra was 'What I choose now will determine what happens later'. I told myself that every day. And I started stuff. Got fit (now have a six pack at 40). Started a business (I'm now wealthy). Started a hobby (now play guitar and paint). Did a bunch of non-profit work (am now famous in a certain, powerful, non-profit circle). I started all this stuff in the absolute worst depression of my life. In the exact same place you are now. Exactly. And now, three years later, I compare my life to hers. And holy cow... .She's still all nuts. She actually worse than when I left her (or maybe the same... .maybe I just didn't notice how bad she was before).

Does it make me feel better to know she is struggling? Nope. I actually feel bad for her. She literally has no idea why 'life is kicking her in the teeth (her words)'. She doesn't understand why everyone is 'crazy' around her. She thinks she has a 'fatal flaw' but has absolutely no idea what that is. Really. It's sad. She is trying really hard to understand. But just can't. She does not have that capacity. She ill. It's like she has body part missing. She can not understand at all why people around her get angry by her behavior. She just thinks everyone around her crazy! No capacity to understand her part in it, own it, learn from it, and fix it. Where she ends up, I have no idea. But, not my problem.

Anyhow, I hope this helps. I know it sucks man. You can't control her. And dude. Why would you want to? You can only control yourself. And despite how you feel, you can still function. You can still make choices. Do some rad ___! Get on it! You got this!

[sirensong65]

Willy45:

I appreciate your words more than you know.  You describe me when I met him.  The spiral that took place after was beyond comprehension.  It has been a slow trip back.  I still have depressed days, days I dial it in, and it has been almost 18 months out.

My question for you is, what about relationships?  Are you back in that way also?

I ask because I have completely tapped out.  No dates, no romance, no sex, nothing.  Actually, I feel only two things when a man shows interest in me now, extreme anger and panic.

Does this get better.  I joke with my friends when they want to "set me up" with a friend or co worker that they shouldn't do that to someone they like cause "I am dead inside... .".

I make a joke of it, but it is truthful.  I feel I will never feel a desire to roll those dice again.  The juice ain't worth the squeeze.

At 50, like a thoroughbred horse I feel I had a good run but now I am retiring to the field.  I eat a lot.  I stopped working out 6 months ago.  I care, but not enough to put action behind the words.  Getting back to just being able to function and participate at my job and as a mother seems like all I can reasonably handle right now.

I would be interested in your experience.

Thanks,

Siren

[ReluctantSurvivor]

My dBPDxfiance has not thrived since our split 7 months ago.  Initially she went on an MDMA and drinking binge that lasted three weeks.  She is 31 and was hanging out with 22 year old college kids and partying harder than them (i.e. more substance abuse).  She put up a front on FB about her great new life and a "perfect" new relationship she found 17 days after leaving a 25 month r/s.  Behind the scenes she was falling apart the whole time.  She quickly poisoned the new r/s and it imploded 4 months later.  Then again she moved in with the guy after one meal.  I think he saw an easy rebound mark, got his ride in, and got out.  After that dumping she went even nuttier, missing work because she can't stop crying on the job.  She is a mess.  She is fishing for new sources but lord knows that no new person can fill the holes in her soul.

So initially she put on a good front of thriving but she has been in a downward spiral for 7 months since the split.  She is struggling to function with going to work everyday.  Constant sickness and what not. 

[Leaving]

Willy45:

I appreciate your words more than you know.  You describe me when I met him.  The spiral that took place after was beyond comprehension.  It has been a slow trip back.  I still have depressed days, days I dial it in, and it has been almost 18 months out.

My question for you is, what about relationships?  Are you back in that way also?

I ask because I have completely tapped out.  No dates, no romance, no sex, nothing.  Actually, I feel only two things when a man shows interest in me now, extreme anger and panic.

Does this get better.  I joke with my friends when they want to "set me up" with a friend or co worker that they shouldn't do that to someone they like cause "I am dead inside... .".

I make a joke of it, but it is truthful.  I feel I will never feel a desire to roll those dice again.  The juice ain't worth the squeeze.

At 50, like a thoroughbred horse I feel I had a good run but now I am retiring to the field.  I eat a lot.  I stopped working out 6 months ago.  I care, but not enough to put action behind the words.  Getting back to just being able to function and participate at my job and as a mother seems like all I can reasonably handle right now.

I would be interested in your experience.

Thanks,

Siren

Siren,

I can relate to how you feel right now.  I'm 53 and having to start over after being married to BPD husband.  I'm very tapped out and I have PTSD from the many years of almost daily drama trauma.  Don't put pressure on yourself by thinking of new relationships.  If it happens, it happens.  However, don't isolate yourself and avoid new opportunities for friendships and social activities. It's important to replace the past with new experiences- that's how we heal our wounds.  I was completely isolated from all family and friends for the last 6 years.  I felt completely pathetic and invisible to the world and had I died, I really don't think anyone would have known.

Journaling saved me from losing my sanity.  I highly recommend that you journal daily.  Do you have a counselor that you can talk to about the anger and panic you feel around men?

[Infared]

Willy45:

I appreciate your words more than you know.  You describe me when I met him.  The spiral that took place after was beyond comprehension.  It has been a slow trip back.  I still have depressed days, days I dial it in, and it has been almost 18 months out.

My question for you is, what about relationships?  Are you back in that way also?

I ask because I have completely tapped out.  No dates, no romance, no sex, nothing.  Actually, I feel only two things when a man shows interest in me now, extreme anger and panic.

Does this get better.  I joke with my friends when they want to "set me up" with a friend or co worker that they shouldn't do that to someone they like cause "I am dead inside... .".

I make a joke of it, but it is truthful.  I feel I will never feel a desire to roll those dice again.  The juice ain't worth the squeeze.

At 50, like a thoroughbred horse I feel I had a good run but now I am retiring to the field.  I eat a lot.  I stopped working out 6 months ago.  I care, but not enough to put action behind the words.  Getting back to just being able to function and participate at my job and as a mother seems like all I can reasonably handle right now.

I would be interested in your experience.

Thanks,

Siren

Siren... .you are me in female form! LOL

I am way farther out than you from my BPD debacle... I am also older.I got into one 9-month relationship which I ended. The person was not trustworthy (for starters she had cheated on her husband), and I learned during the relationship that I am not going to trust a woman with my heart again. No way. We did let some time go by and are now, very friendly and forgiving to one another.  Like two adults... .(In stark contrast to my 5-year BPD outing). I just do not have another one in me. I'm done with that crazy nonsense. It just is it worth the pain for "me". Life is just so much more peaceful without all the drama.

I do have a life, with lots of friends, work, passionate hobbies and I do take care of myself (healthy self-love)... eat right, stay in reasonably good shape, etc.

It's funny... .I am totally committed to my singularity... .and I get proof all the time how whacky it is "out there".

I have been asked "my status". Where I state:

"You asked... .now... .I am going to tell you my straight-up answer... .ready?" To which they  always say "yes". ... .so I continue with: "I am done. I do not date anymore as I have had a rough go of it,  so I am committed to being single and enjoying life from that perspective. So my status is 'Unavailable'". Pretty clear, HUH?

What these women hear me say is "I am single, and I would be very interested in dating you"? (I am basing that on all the actions from them after our "talk", which is too much to get into here). I find it to be HYSTERICAL!

It gives me comfort in my decision.  ... .because they did not hear a word that I said after they ask me a question... .and I paused, looked them in the eye and was VERY clear with my response... .Not a jerk... .just firm... .they asked (and I know why), so I wanted to be clear and direct.  Kind of hard to have a relationship with adults that act like that... .Communication is very important in any relationship, romantic or otherwise... .life is funny. It just confirms my choice. Life is not perfect... .I get lonely occasionally... .but... .ahhhhhhh... .it is oh so peaceful.

[oortcloud]

Dude.

I've been where are you. Trust me man. I'm a three year veteran of a textbook BPD breakup.

For months after she found her new man, I thought it was me. I was the problem. She had this amazing life and I was just left depressed and hardly able to cope. Seriously. Trust me 100%. I've been there.

Fast forward three years. I just met up with her last week. I knew her new guy had left about 8 months back (out of the blue like I did... .her words). I knew she was having a hard time. But dude. I had no idea just how bad. She is being forced out of her job by her boss who is putting her on probation for inappropriate behaviour, she got kicked out the house she was living in, she basically broke, she looks super old for her age, she cries all the time, she's angry, ostracized her niece (whom she was very close to), is on the outs with her Dad that she tried to mend 8 years ago (although she didn't tell me details... .only shot me a look when I asked how he was doing and she told me she didn't want to talk about it), freaks out upon any inquiry as to why she was wanting to spend so much time with me, is finally in therapy, is having an 'existential crisis' (whatever that means... .something about not knowing why she is on the planet and what her purpose is, the nature of human misery and if it is worth living). She told me she is just doing an experiment right now to see if she can get through it all and get to the other side but that catastrophe was around every corner.

Not so great, huh? I'm not happy about this. I'm confused as all h*ll in a way, but also not. Everything that I tried to talk to her about when we were together, is all surfacing now. She can't contain it anymore. The mask she wears is cracking all over the place, in every area of her life, and even physically. Her face is  full of wrinkles and she's only 35.

So, listen man. I know what you are going through. You are idealizing this person and blaming yourself. I've been there buddy. For months and months. It sucks. But you can get through this. Your ex will likely not be thinking anything is wrong with her. She probably thinks its was all you. And you, like a confused, dizzy person, are likely right now thinking the same thing. But... .here's the thing. It has NOTHING to do with her. She hasn't changed. She is the same person you knew. You know more about her than whatever self she is curating on social media.

Here's my suggestions: Block her from everything. Don't look for her. Stop checking in. It will only serve to make you think its all you. Don't do it. Avoid it like it is toxic poison, because it is. Focus on yourself. Despite being depressed as all get down, start something. Anything. Get fit. Start a hobby. Start a business. Plan a trip. Whatever. Do it. Even if it doesn't feel good. Even if you are still depressed before, during and after. Do it. The choices you make now will determine where you end up in a year, two years, three years. And trust me man, as time goes on and you focus on yourself, you will flourish. You have that choice. She, sadly, does not. She will repeat the same cycles over and over and over again. Get off the crazy train. You have a choice.

I did that. My mantra was 'What I choose now will determine what happens later'. I told myself that every day. And I started stuff. Got fit (now have a six pack at 40). Started a business (I'm now wealthy). Started a hobby (now play guitar and paint). Did a bunch of non-profit work (am now famous in a certain, powerful, non-profit circle). I started all this stuff in the absolute worst depression of my life. In the exact same place you are now. Exactly. And now, three years later, I compare my life to hers. And holy cow... .She's still all nuts. She actually worse than when I left her (or maybe the same... .maybe I just didn't notice how bad she was before).

Does it make me feel better to know she is struggling? Nope. I actually feel bad for her. She literally has no idea why 'life is kicking her in the teeth (her words)'. She doesn't understand why everyone is 'crazy' around her. She thinks she has a 'fatal flaw' but has absolutely no idea what that is. Really. It's sad. She is trying really hard to understand. But just can't. She does not have that capacity. She ill. It's like she has body part missing. She can not understand at all why people around her get angry by her behavior. She just thinks everyone around her crazy! No capacity to understand her part in it, own it, learn from it, and fix it. Where she ends up, I have no idea. But, not my problem.

Anyhow, I hope this helps. I know it sucks man. You can't control her. And dude. Why would you want to? You can only control yourself. And despite how you feel, you can still function. You can still make choices. Do some rad ___! Get on it! You got this!

This is amazing - thank you Willy45.

I totally agree that social media should be avoided. Everything they say is smoke and mirrors, used to bolster their fake mood and personality. I remember I used to ask my BPDex (when we were together) how she managed to sound so upbeat online, but in person she was suffering from depression and was anything BUT happy.

Her response: "The way I act and the way I feel aren't necessarily the same." and "It's easier to pretend online."

[CloseToFreedom]

I want to reply on this topic again, as I've seen my ex in action yesterday night with my replacement, and yes she seems very happy and social. She's chatting with my friends (which are now also her friends) and being al lovey dovey with the new guy.

It hurts to see, but at the same time I have to keep in mind that its all fake. Well, she's in the honeymoon stage so it is real for her, but sooner or later she'll come crashing down from that feeling and when that happens, the new guy will be in a world of pain.

So all i have left to do is get on with my life myself, but on my timetable. I'm two months out of the relationship now and I don't feel like being in a relationship again so fast. Of course, she does and is, because she needs that constant validation. But I'm just trying to heal the wounds that this relationship brought upon me, and I do meet new people every now and then or go on a date sometimes. But nothing more than that. Taking it slowly.

Of course, like many say here, it is very tempting to think all the faults are at me. If she's so happy with the new guy, was it me who was disorted? I think about this daily, hell, hourly. But it's no use, nothing good comes from thinking lik that. So I try to keep in mind all the bad things that happened during our relationship.

[jhkbuzz]

Willy45:

I appreciate your words more than you know.  You describe me when I met him.  The spiral that took place after was beyond comprehension.  It has been a slow trip back.  I still have depressed days, days I dial it in, and it has been almost 18 months out.

My question for you is, what about relationships?  Are you back in that way also?

I ask because I have completely tapped out.  No dates, no romance, no sex, nothing.  Actually, I feel only two things when a man shows interest in me now, extreme anger and panic.

Does this get better.  I joke with my friends when they want to "set me up" with a friend or co worker that they shouldn't do that to someone they like cause "I am dead inside... .".

I make a joke of it, but it is truthful.  I feel I will never feel a desire to roll those dice again.  The juice ain't worth the squeeze.

At 50, like a thoroughbred horse I feel I had a good run but now I am retiring to the field.  I eat a lot.  I stopped working out 6 months ago.  I care, but not enough to put action behind the words.  Getting back to just being able to function and participate at my job and as a mother seems like all I can reasonably handle right now.

I would be interested in your experience.

Thanks,

Siren

I am around your age... .I understand. But if you're 18 months out and feeling what is in bold, you may be depressed.  I'm not a therapist or anything, but do you think it's a possibility?

Have you seen a therapist?  It sounds like you may be "stuck" in a grief stage, and you may need some processing to get unstuck.

BPD r/s's often trigger childhood "stuff" that needs to be resolved.  The more time that goes by (almost 6 months post b/u for me) the more I am recognizing that my sadness has little to do with my ex these days - it feels more like she has reopened some old wound that needs healing.  That's what I'm working on with my therapist.

[willy45]

Willy45:

I appreciate your words more than you know.  You describe me when I met him.  The spiral that took place after was beyond comprehension.  It has been a slow trip back.  I still have depressed days, days I dial it in, and it has been almost 18 months out.

My question for you is, what about relationships?  Are you back in that way also?

I ask because I have completely tapped out.  No dates, no romance, no sex, nothing.  Actually, I feel only two things when a man shows interest in me now, extreme anger and panic.

Does this get better.  I joke with my friends when they want to "set me up" with a friend or co worker that they shouldn't do that to someone they like cause "I am dead inside... .".

I make a joke of it, but it is truthful.  I feel I will never feel a desire to roll those dice again.  The juice ain't worth the squeeze.

At 50, like a thoroughbred horse I feel I had a good run but now I am retiring to the field.  I eat a lot.  I stopped working out 6 months ago.  I care, but not enough to put action behind the words.  Getting back to just being able to function and participate at my job and as a mother seems like all I can reasonably handle right now.

I would be interested in your experience.

Thanks,

Siren

Hey Siren,

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling all this. That sucks. It took me a long while. I guess in some ways I am still kind of stuck. The only missing piece for me is that I still have trouble comparing the sex I had with my uBPD ex with everyone else I'm with. Not the greatest and certainly a total bummer.

But, as for other people... .I think the key for me has been doing a lot of work on myself and understanding what my weaknesses are. For me, it is the lack of boundaries and being able to stick up for myself. I did a lot of work and figured out where that all came from from my childhood and have done a lot of work in terms of enacting those lessons... .Putting up boundaries, being able to walk away if those boundaries are crossed, not second guessing myself is something is not good for me. That has really, really helped build my self esteem and self confidence. I know now (and have experienced) putting up boundaries and totally walking away if those boundaries are crossed. Sure, it doesn't feel great at the moment but whenever stuff like that has happened, I have noticed that the dust settles and I am OK. So, i guess know that I have the capacity to that now makes me feel more capable of meeting new people romantically because I know I can cut it off if things get funky. A strange paradox, I suppose but probably correct in terms of healthy relationships. You can't be with someone unless you are capable of walking away. So, I kind of do that now. Lay boundaries (either explicitly or in my own mind) and stick to those boundaries. If they get crossed, I give a warning. If they get cross again, I walk. Again, not all roses and peaches when it happens but at the end of the day, it is a learning experience for me and I have been able to learn that I have the capacity to take care of myself and stop situations that are detrimental to me. And that has given me a lot of strength and power.

I'm sorry you are feeling down. At 18 months, I was also still a mess. You'll get there. Another thing I learned is that there are PLENTY of people out there. And, another thing I learned is that you DON'T NEED anyone else to be happy.

Anyhow, I certainly don't want to make it out like I've gotten it all sorted. But, with some time and on-going effort, I have been able to see things a lot more clearly and able to see my feelings for what they are... .just feelings... .and not reality. Reality is much greater and complicated and amazing than you or I or anyone else can understand.

Not sure if random thoughts help... .but those are my thoughts!

[Infared]

I want to reply on this topic again, as I've seen my ex in action yesterday night with my replacement, and yes she seems very happy and social. She's chatting with my friends (which are now also her friends) and being al lovey dovey with the new guy.

It hurts to see, but at the same time I have to keep in mind that its all fake. Well, she's in the honeymoon stage so it is real for her, but sooner or later she'll come crashing down from that feeling and when that happens, the new guy will be in a world of pain.

So all i have left to do is get on with my life myself, but on my timetable. I'm two months out of the relationship now and I don't feel like being in a relationship again so fast. Of course, she does and is, because she needs that constant validation. But I'm just trying to heal the wounds that this relationship brought upon me, and I do meet new people every now and then or go on a date sometimes. But nothing more than that. Taking it slowly.

Of course, like many say here, it is very tempting to think all the faults are at me. If she's so happy with the new guy, was it me who was disorted? I think about this daily, hell, hourly. But it's no use, nothing good comes from thinking lik that. So I try to keep in mind all the bad things that happened during our relationship.

Close to Free... .

You know... .for two months out and seeing her with new supply... .you sound REALLY a good! You sound reasonable, balanced and realistic... .plus you are taking slow steps and giving yourself time to heal and to be the authentic you.

Congratulations... .you should be proud of yourself! 

[JRT]

my ex wife (who I am begging to suspect as being a BPD) met a man very soon after we were divorced. IT was the first person that she had dated and wasn't even through the rebound period. He also was 180 degrees different from me. I'll spare the details; though she ended up marrying him. It lasted about a year or two since there was nothing there to base a marriage upon: he was simply a repudiation of me and not a genuine love interest. Her marriage to him was an indication to me that there was still SOMETHING that she didn't detach from with me. If I were a gambling man, I would be a lot that this relationship will also fail.

[Turkish]

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