Did your ex BPD partner 'thrive' after the break up

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All

My ex and I broke up about 4 months ago after six years. She ended it and it was abrupt and left me confused and upset trying to understand what has happened. Since the break she was been this completely different person, she absolutely hates me and has had no time to be kind or talk about our relationship. It's as if once she decided she was done that was it and I dont exist anymore - and when I do show on her radar I'm completely hated and talked badly about. She blamed me for the break up, I can't even recall all the things she said but it was all because of me so she said. I know that is just ridiculous, even though it hurts to be blamed for all her shortcomings and depression, when I stood by her for years and was always there for her through the ups and down and the push and pull cycles.

Despite all this though, while I have developed severe depression flowing the break up and have just started antidepressants for the first time in my life, she seems to be thriving. She has lost 18 kilos and seems very happy. I looked at her Instagram this weekend and she was cooking this Jamie Oliver dish from scratch - i know that won't sound weird to people but it's a far cry from the person I dated. She spent the better part of last year in a low, and wouldn't do much except gamble on occasion and binge eat (I was working away at the time). Now she seems to be the person I would've loved to have dated, being proactive and enjoying life.

Did this happen to anyone else? When you and your ex broke up did they seem to become a more improved version of themselves? It just makes me feel like I was the one holding her back all this time even though I know it's crazy. She could've been this person when I was away from her for a year so I know it's not me to blame. It's just hard to see her doing so well, without a care in the world for me and I'm the polar opposite right now.

[Ezra]

Hi All

My ex and I broke up about 4 months ago after six years. She ended it and it was abrupt and left me confused and upset trying to understand what has happened. Since the break she was been this completely different person, she absolutely hates me and has had no time to be kind or talk about our relationship. It's as if once she decided she was done that was it and I dont exist anymore - and when I do show on her radar I'm completely hated and talked badly about. She blamed me for the break up, I can't even recall all the things she said but it was all because of me so she said. I know that is just ridiculous, even though it hurts to be blamed for all her shortcomings and depression, when I stood by her for years and was always there for her through the ups and down and the push and pull cycles.

Despite all this though, while I have developed severe depression flowing the break up and have just started antidepressants for the first time in my life, she seems to be thriving. She has lost 18 kilos and seems very happy. I looked at her Instagram this weekend and she was cooking this Jamie Oliver dish from scratch - i know that won't sound weird to people but it's a far cry from the person I dated. She spent the better part of last year in a low, and wouldn't do much except gamble on occasion and binge eat (I was working away at the time). Now she seems to be the person I would've loved to have dated, being proactive and enjoying life.

Did this happen to anyone else? When you and your ex broke up did they seem to become a more improved version of themselves? It just makes me feel like I was the one holding her back all this time even though I know it's crazy. She could've been this person when I was away from her for a year so I know it's not me to blame. It's just hard to see her doing so well, without a care in the world for me and I'm the polar opposite right now.

[Trog]

Total personality changes are common. Perhaps she is mirroring her new partner rather than being miraculously 'better'. How was she during your first months together?

[Infared]

This is common. Mine was in a relationship behind my back, long before she left. She flicked a switch and became someone that treated me in a way that I could not imagine. I was severely depressed as well and I think that you will find that your experience is similar to many if not all who come to this site.

if you want to heal I would suggest that you break all contact with her, and block all social media and do not check on hers. How do you feel after you check up on her?

Remember... .she may just be putting up a social media from and/or inventing her next personality to catch her prey. One never knows... .they are crafty and manipulative... .the sick ones.

[CloseToFreedom]

Yes, mine showed to the world after the break up what a good time she had, had a new boyfriend in 6 weeks time, suddenly had all sorts of friends (which she couldn't be bothered with when we were together even though I tried to pursuay her in getting more friends). They have to show the world that they made the right choice. It's important for them.

In a way, us feeling very bad after the break up is normal. Its grieving. It shows us that we are the normal people that have been used. So take comfort in that.

[Leaving]

This is typical of narcissistic personality disorder.  Both my mother and husband have NPD/BPD and both of them will quickly dispose of friends, children, parents, coworkers, jobs/customers, pets and anything else that  threatens them in some way.  I'm sure this is a defense mechanism that protects their fragile egos.  My mother has disposed of me and my brother and treats us like strangers now. She's completely detached and has absolutely no maternal feeling for us.

Within only minutes of deciding to leave my husband, he called his family ( who he never talked to) and cozied up with them, called old coworkers, jumped on facebook, etc... and began an aggressive pursuit for attention and a new life.  He also became vicious toward me and did some pretty ugly demented things.  Part of his psycho behavior was due to him having an unskilled therapist who thought he needed assertive training and didn't realize he was borderline/NPD.  She turned him into an aggressive animal and my therapist had to contact his T's office and tell them what was happening.  I was terrified.

My therapist has told me a few times not to ever under estimate my husband's ability to survive and survive very well despite his very coy and helpless demeanor in our  marriage.  She has made it very clear that he ' needs me' and therefore, sees me as a tool for him to use and that he will easily find another tool to replace me once I'm gone.  Keep in mind that while they may appear to be thriving, they are no better off ( mentally or emotionally) than they were with us.  Remember, they were just like that with us in the beginning.  Once they conquer and acquire us, they use us and then dispose of us without any remorse.  They leave a path of destruction behind them for everyone else to clean up and they don't care.

It does hurt a bit to know that we meant nothing to them other than being a machine that strokes their ego and nurtures their basic needs.  But, that's just how it is. 

[christin5433]

I am currently going through this completely wiped out a four year close relationship everyday together , constantly patenting , living, being together, attending aa meetings. Wiped out like a eraser on a white board . She hooked up with ex husband and his new wife who had no interest in either of us other than the ex husband hating me never ending for stealing his BPD wife . I had made amends to this man and I was extra good to his child. But he has wanted his revenge even though he has a new life an a new wife.? So she buddy up with them and her old friends who turned there back on her when we got together? Also she had some dangler friends I never really knew that shed get co signed from. She would tell these friends I don't even know all these lies about me during her episodes? Anyway I'm just a person she hates now and I am not even human I feel? But I am working through it. I was very hurt at Christmas time when she decided to do all this really messed up timing? But hey they do the things that no one else would ever do? Who cares If they hurt you, smear your name, act like you don't exist or even were worth their time? I still find myself just being kind in my heart and saying " I feel bad she lives like this and can't do things from a kinder place?" But if you would ask her I was a monster!

[JRT]

Is there any chance that the the outward appearance(s) are just for show? I mean, we ALL do this in a breakup especially if we know that our ex will be seeing us on social media and otherwise so we paint a picture that we are not only ok, but doing exponentially better than they were in the relationship.

If they are truly BPD, then one can assume that a b/u does not make them a better person or more happy, at least not in the long run. The psychological wounds that establish their illness in the first place do not go away via a breakup... .matter of fact, I would speculate that the breakup further complicates their condition.

[CloseToFreedom]

Is there any chance that the the outward appearance(s) are just for show? I mean, we ALL do this in a breakup especially if we know that our ex will be seeing us on social media and otherwise so we paint a picture that we are not only ok, but doing exponentially better than they were in the relationship.

If they are truly BPD, then one can assume that a b/u does not make them a better person or more happy, at least not in the long run. The psychological wounds that establish their illness in the first place do not go away via a breakup... .matter of fact, I would speculate that the breakup further complicates their condition.

Of course it is for show. My ex found a random dude she's with now and within the first day she's claiming to be in love. She posts selfies of herself almost each day, to get more supply. They feel the dissapearance of the comfort and security of the relationship and they need to fill it up with something else.

They are not working on becoming a better person. We are working on that, by reflecting, posting on this forum, going to therapy, staying single for a while. We are trying to become a better person, so that we have boundaries next time a new lover comes around and so that we won't let a bad relationship let us act out worse.

[Hadlee]

Is there any chance that the the outward appearance(s) are just for show? I mean, we ALL do this in a breakup especially if we know that our ex will be seeing us on social media and otherwise so we paint a picture that we are not only ok, but doing exponentially better than they were in the relationship.

If they are truly BPD, then one can assume that a b/u does not make them a better person or more happy, at least not in the long run. The psychological wounds that establish their illness in the first place do not go away via a breakup... .matter of fact, I would speculate that the breakup further complicates their condition.

I would agree with this.  My BPD friend has not improved in any way since her recent break up.  In fact, she looks worse than before.  According to her exbf, she is now going out and about when she refused to socialize as a couple for the last couple of years they were together.  He is peeved at that because her excuse to him was that she couldn't go out due to anxiety - but now she can.  I have seen her out once and she is not happy AT ALL!  So I would say it's definitely a front!

[christin5433]

I was unfriended within first week of b/u . I deactivated my FB . I wasn't going to get involved with this social media competition. I felt already huge humiliation I really couldn't endure more. To be honest I don't know if they have any feelings that may be similar to a regular person ? From what I hear they just find another host. I hear they play victim and and get validation. I really don't know how there brain works I have tried to understand and help out occasionally. But the fact is its her stuff. She's messed me up and that's my fact. I'm grieving and I want to just stay under the radar. Until I work through my issues.  

[willtimeheal]

Mine started seeing my replacement before she left me. At the time she was severely depressed and didn't want to do anything. After the break up she became a different person... .telling me and others how happy she is. Then she got a dwi but continued to post and tell the world how happy she is. She text me before the holidays thanking me for our six years together and how during that time it helped her become the person she is now and how the time with me helped Her reach the happy place she is at now. I never responded.

Maybe her life is going well maybe it isn't. I don't care. All I know  is my life has improved 100% since the break up.  It took me a while to get here and I still struggle but I am getting there. When I first started dating her she used to tell me all the same things she is posting and telling others now so Is there truth to it... .who knows and who cares. She is disordered... .It will crash it always does.

[christin5433]

Also I believe what ever their front Is its not a surprise to me If one can behave like this how can you question anything ? Even if it is a front does it matter? It's impossible to know? I know BPD's are mirroring whatever they may need. It's not that deep. They are emotionally a child. So expect your dealing with a child not a adult

[JRT]

Mine started seeing my replacement before she left me. At the time she was severely depressed and didn't want to do anything. After the break up she became a different person... .telling me and others how happy she is. Then she got a dwi but continued to post and tell the world how happy she is. She text me before the holidays thanking me for our six years together and how during that time it helped her become the person she is now and how the time with me helped Her reach the happy place she is at now. I never responded.

Maybe her life is going well maybe it isn't. I don't care. All I know  is my life has improved 100% since the break up.  It took me a while to get here and I still struggle but I am getting there. When I first started dating her she used to tell me all the same things she is posting and telling others now so Is there truth to it... .who knows and who cares. She is disordered... .It will crash it always does.

She got a DUI-her life is NOT going well... .she called you to thank you for the 6 years- her life is not going well, she is ruminating on her decision and having remorse.

[JRT]

I was unfriended within first week of b/u . I deactivated my FB . I wasn't going to get involved with this social media competition. I felt already huge humiliation I really couldn't endure more. To be honest I don't know if they have any feelings that may be similar to a regular person ? From what I hear they just find another host. I hear they play victim and and get validation. I really don't know how there brain works I have tried to understand and help out occasionally. But the fact is its her stuff. She's messed me up and that's my fact. I'm grieving and I want to just stay under the radar. Until I work through my issues.  

How long has it been since your b/u?

[christin5433]

From what I hear we all get replaced quick. I'm staying out of relationships for a good year. Unless I meet a special kind person ... .Other than that I'm not looking I need to heal and work on my damaged self. I think we become more broken.

[christin5433]

Dec 19 around ? There was so much crazy happening and impulsive behavior . All I could think is its the holidays?

[hope2727]

Yup but looks are deceiving. Mine has lost weight and is posting happy pics. But in reality he looks jaundiced (drinking to much by his own admission) his eyes are hollow and dark circled, he is chain smoking and broke. He looks like poop in truth.

They have to justify how right they were to leave us. If we weren't the problem it must be them and it just CAN"T be them after all. So chin up. We may gain weight, cry and grieve but we will learn and heal. They may if they really get motivated but its unlikely. 

[JRT]

Dec 19 around ? There was so much crazy happening and impulsive behavior . All I could think is its the holidays?

It could have been a trigger... .mine was that her 18 year old son moved out (abandonment)... .then I went on a biz trip (abandonment) on top of the stress of a her new life living with someone... .ther eis usually something that forces the hand

[christin5433]

Yes mine had a trigger it was at thanksgiving. My BPD's ex husband who had been lingering around trying to trigger her disguising it as if it was co parenting . He turned me into the child protective dept. Called DHS my step daughter who had maybe BPD/ADHD got crazy on me while I tried to turn off computer while she bad mouth me. She's 11. She fell off computer chair during her absurd behavior and got a little mark on her chest from our kitchen bench. Days went by and this ex husband told authorities on me. I have never lifted a finger on his child. This triggered my BPD but I wasn't being attentive to her needs I was too consumed in my own anger . So the ball went rolling ? She turned on me. I was sick to my stomach . I emotionally knew she was not thinking right and I had no control of her consequences. I didn't care.

Yours sounds like a walking mess maybe mine is too. I don't know ? I'm have no interest watching there new life transform . I'd stop watching the show . They want attention .

[JRT]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this... .yeah, that was really unfair. Mine had a mouthy son that was entirely out of control. It really complicated things.

[Maternus]

Mine thrived in the weeks before the breakup. She already had an affair with my replacement. After she told me it's over, I broke down and she had a phone call with her mom, told her enthusiastically about a a musical event at her workplace and how great she feels, than they joked and she laughed. After that she turned to me and said "I can laugh again at last."   

[Trog]

Mine thrived in the weeks before the breakup. She already had an affair with my replacement. After she told me it's over, I broke down and she had a phone call with her mom, told her enthusiastically about a a musical event at her workplace and how great she feels, than they joked and she laughed. After that she turned to me and said "I can laugh again at last."   

Nice. I don't understand that when they are doing the dumping the also want to twist the knife. I dumped mine, but she hurt me and then twist the knife in other situations again and again. Its like they smell blood. IMO normal people, when they see an upset person or have upset a person, will apologise and comfort the other person. Not my ex. She seemed to revel and gain energy from hurting people. 

[JRT]

Good point... .this is someone that she CARED about after all... .its one thing to dump them but something entirely different to denigrate them. Its like murdering someone and then shooting holes into them even though they are already dead... .its sickening.

[Maternus]

Nice. I don't understand that when they are doing the dumping the also want to twist the knife. I dumped mine, but she hurt me and then twist the knife in other situations again and again. Its like they smell blood. IMO normal people, when they see an upset person or have upset a person, will apologise and comfort the other person. Not my ex. She seemed to revel and gain energy from hurting people. 

I think mine wanted to hurt me because she needed me to be angry. She told me on the day of our breakup "You'll be angry one day. You will hate me." I never was angry, I was sad, half dead, numb. Her attempts to provoke my anger got meaner in the aftermath of our relationship, but I never lost my temper. The day I moved out she put a filthy blanket between my stuff that wasn't mine. I told her that was not my blanket, but she insisted that it was mine. I said "When it is not yours, throw it away." She said "F... .you" went out to the removal van and stuffed the blanket into the box with my bedclothes. This was short before my moving out was finished, her last chance to make me angry. I answered ":)id you really said this to me?". No answer. That was the last words we ever exchanged.  

[JRT]

I can see the 'logic'... .I have read there that part of the splitting process results in them seeing you according to your last interaction. You being angry at her might have allowed her to cope better and justify her actions as opposed to thoughts of how hurt you looked and how calm you were.

[Maternus]

I can see the 'logic'... .I have read there that part of the splitting process results in them seeing you according to your last interaction. You being angry at her might have allowed her to cope better and justify her actions as opposed to thoughts of how hurt you looked and how calm you were.

I have read something similar. It's easier for them to break up when it happens in anger. Anger and hate are strong feelings, like love. They can not feel the gray area of emotions between love and hate, it always has to be black or white.

[JRT]

on recycles, my ex would try to suck me into angry exchanges but I always held my ground and wouldn't get pulled into the vortex. It always worked and she calmed down. It was at the phone call stage before meeting after the b/u. Her thinking was SO preposterous that I almost felt like she was giving the b/e one last attempt.

[hope2727]

I can see the 'logic'... .I have read there that part of the splitting process results in them seeing you according to your last interaction. You being angry at her might have allowed her to cope better and justify her actions as opposed to thoughts of how hurt you looked and how calm you were.

This makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks. It kind of explains why they need us to react.

[Inside]

Keep in mind that while they may appear to be thriving, they are no better off ( mentally or emotionally) than they were with us.  Remember, they were just like that with us in the beginning.  Once they conquer and acquire us, they use us and then dispose of us without any remorse.  They leave a path of destruction behind them for everyone else to clean up and they don't care.

It does hurt a bit to know that we meant nothing to them other than being a machine that strokes their ego and nurtures their basic needs.  But, that's just how it is.

Well put…  

I’ve made a point to avoid whatever or whomever my uBPDx has moved onto after me.  I can’t care.  But from all I’d learned, no r/s will ever work for her - period.  It doesn't matter how wonderful anything appears, there’s a wall in her future that she has never, nor will ever get beyond.  

But for her own psychological survival she must put forth the illusion that she’s ‘now in a better place.’  I know better.  And though still recovering - I am recovering, learning & growing, and will use this experience to recognize and appreciate a genuine healthy human being deserving of my love and loyalty.  The same will forever elude my BPDx.

[Inside]

They are not working on becoming a better person. We are working on that, by reflecting, posting on this forum, going to therapy, staying single for a while. We are trying to become a better person, so that we have boundaries next time a new lover comes around and so that we won't let a bad relationship let us act out worse.

Right on