I'm an idiot... I get that. looked on a dating site and there she was.

[BatMasterson]

sigh... .I'm a moron. i looked on a dating site and of course the ex is on there.  I guess I expected that and it's my own fault for looking but it still hurts that she's "looking for a relationship" and I wasn't good enough.  Had a tough couple of weeks... .one of my friend's employees lives across from her (I knew her back then) and said to my friend something like she heard I just wanted a committed relationship and the ex couldn't get her stuff straight.   i think that's why i went looking as it's been heavy on my mind the last few weeks... .I guess she got her stuff straight but just not with me.  Before you think I'm doing the creepy internet stalker thing, I've blocked her on FB, email, phone.  Just a moment of weakness.  Between the comment and the fact I get to see her at my kids school a few times a week... .hard to detach.

4 and 1/2 years and then decides she can 't get her stuff straight to be in a committed relationship... .  wish she had said something a bit earlier.  I get that she's looking for the next person to put her on a pedestal and validate her.  I get that. still hurts like hell.   apparently me doing that (trying to be better than the ex's, treating her like a queen, never arguing  etc) is the worst thing to do.   in general it's bad because no-one likes a doormat... at least i won't make that mistake again

It's been 13 months. i'm still working on "why" i am still so attached to her.  I know why she behaved the way she did and my role in it and logically get why she couldn't stay in and did what she did (lying, demanding, hiding things, pushing away).  i had a domineering mum and "they" say that is part of it - that I need the ex's approval because I put her on a pedestal and basically recreated the relationship my dad and with my mum - she ran the house and he just made her happy.

also need to get past the "what could have been".   the good times were (in my mind) just awesome - my soul mate, best friend.  But, like it says here in a post somewhere, there is no "riding off into the sunset" together with someone like her.  as soon as you go back it'll be fine for a month or so and then will start all over again.

Still have the heartache though.   i don't know that I will ever be able to fully let her go.

[BorisAcusio]

I am sorry that you have to deal with this situation. It must be hard to see her fishing for other men's attention, avoiding this is main reason I'm not registered on these sites.

i don't know that I will ever be able to fully let her go.

Time in itself—unlucky for us—does not heal all wounds. Time plus work and understanding does, by turning the focus inward to the unresolved wound that we were never able to uncover and heal properly, find out who she really represented to us, and why dysfunctional dance felt so familiar. What we learn will always be part of our life, so don't beat yourself up with unrealistic expectations.

[Restored2]

Hi BatMasterson.  You are not "an idiot" or "moron", as you expressed!  You are a normal human that responded naturally out of your own curiosity.  I am not doing well in the detachment department either, so I can relate to you.  Try not to be hard on yourself.  I know it's not easy. 

[Mutt]

You had a long history 4 1/2 years. Don't be hard on yourself.

I'd like to touch on what Boris says with turning inwards and looking at unresolved emotional wounds. The bond and a pwBPD bond is soothing life long emotional wounds.

I'd also like to echo Restored2 and that where human, are curious and have moments where perhaps we're ruminating or think that we weren't good enough.

lying, demanding, hiding things, pushing away

We have triggers and I found it helps to share and try to remember these types of behaviors, the lying, emotional immaturity, hiding and push / pull behavior.

She has different persona's and masks and it's not getting her act together, the behaviors above are under the surface. Go easy on yourself, you need more time to put this behind you.

[HappyNihilist]

Bat, I'm so sorry, that has to be painful.   Please don't beat yourself up. You're not an idiot or a moron at all... .you're a caring human being who's been hurt. Be kind to yourself. To paraphrase the Buddha, you, above all people, deserve your own forgiveness and kindness.

Time in itself—unlucky for us—does not heal all wounds. Time plus work and understanding does, by turning the focus inward to the unresolved wound that we were never able to uncover and heal properly, find out who she really represented to us, and why dysfunctional dance felt so familiar. What we learn will always be part of our life, so don't beat yourself up with unrealistic expectations.

^ This.

lying, demanding, hiding things, pushing away

We have triggers and I found it helps to share and try to remember these types of behaviors, the lying, emotional immaturity, hiding and push / pull behavior.

Mutt has a great suggestion here - reminding ourselves of the unhealthy, unacceptable behaviors of our exes can be very helpful in detaching.

It's OK if you still love her until the day you die. There's nothing stupid or weak about love. The important thing is that you learn to love yourself more. 

[Climbmountains91]

As everyone has said your not an idiot or moron. Don't be to hard on yourself. Mines on everyone going and i reacted exactly the same. I confronted him obviously he denied. I even pretended on my friends old profile (cause he never was interested and new my friends) pretended to be interested in him and see what his game is) how messed up is that. This was agggesss ago but sometimes you need to do these things to see what the truth is and he confirmed it, then denied it haha! But by then i knew the truth he wanted a relationship. I loved how on our first ever recycle he updated his profile to "i want someone on the immature side who isn't darm serious all the time" haaaa!

[Infared]

Bat... .thanks for posting your blunder. ... it reminds me not to go looking for trouble... .I just might find it. ... not trying to beat you up... .we are all humanly frail... .but sometimes we just do things out of need-of-the-heart or compulsion without thinking through the possible consequences. Your story will keep me "uncurious" for the time being! Thanks for the honesty!