Trying to heal after 18 years with a BPD partner

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was in a relationship with someone for 18 years and only in the last year was able to put a name to what I experienced with him.  I met him when I was 27 and he was 44.  He was widowed with two small daughters. I helped raise them but there were a lot of problems from the start. Most of the problems, I now see, had to do with him.  We had many breakups/getting back together - way too many to even count.  I tried leaving two years ago and he would not let me.  So, I kept trying.  I am 45 and was desperate for a child of my own with him. He talked the talk and convinced me to look into our options. We were in the process of talking to doctors when I realized exactly what I had been experiencing for the last 17 years.  On good days, he pushed me into looking into fertility options. But on a bad day, he would say, "I don't think I want a baby with you".  He finally stormed out in December. I was actually fine and relieved when he left.  I was completely fine for 3 months.  I started dating, was feeling positive and even put him out of my mind.  And then I see a picture of him with his new girlfriend, a 23 year old!  (he is 62). I realized he had been probably having an emotional relationship with her for at least a year.  It shook me to the core and now I am questioning EVERYTHING about our relationship, my own choices, my whole life.  I feel so stupid and feel devastated that I gave up the best years of my life and now may miss out on having children. How do I move past this?

[sbr1050]

I was in a relationship with someone for 18 years and only in the last year was able to put a name to what I experienced with him.  I met him when I was 27 and he was 44.  He was widowed with two small daughters. I helped raise them but there were a lot of problems from the start. Most of the problems, I now see, had to do with him.  We had many breakups/getting back together - way too many to even count.  I tried leaving two years ago and he would not let me.  So, I kept trying.  I am 45 and was desperate for a child of my own with him. He talked the talk and convinced me to look into our options. We were in the process of talking to doctors when I realized exactly what I had been experiencing for the last 17 years.  On good days, he pushed me into looking into fertility options. But on a bad day, he would say, "I don't think I want a baby with you".  He finally stormed out in December. I was actually fine and relieved when he left.  I was completely fine for 3 months.  I started dating, was feeling positive and even put him out of my mind.  And then I see a picture of him with his new girlfriend, a 23 year old!  (he is 62). I realized he had been probably having an emotional relationship with her for at least a year.  It shook me to the core and now I am questioning EVERYTHING about our relationship, my own choices, my whole life.  I feel so stupid and feel devastated that I gave up the best years of my life and now may miss out on having children. How do I move past this?

[sirensong65]

   First off, welcome this site has been a boon to most of us here.  You will get a lot from reading and interacting on this board.

I am so sorry this happened to you.  You will hear a lot of stories on here, some similar, some different on what we all lost by being a victim of these types of people.  But you WILL survive this.  It just takes time, and a lot of it.

I wish you the best... .

[Dutched]

 Welcome sbr1050.

You came to the right place! We all support each other, are on the same journey, some ahead of us, some just started, like you

It won’t be easy, that’s for sure. All you believed in is suddenly gone, gone in a blink of an eye.

After a very long r/s the healing is very long, been there after 30+ yrs.

Try to read the lessons (right side of this page), have a look into the stages of grief, you will find them really helpful

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

Please don’t expect that the healing will be a linear process, it is not, falling back is part of it and nothing to be ashamed of (so please accept that emotion)  

Be kind for yourself, have a walk, make a nice dinner just for you, try to make new daily routines in which you ‘take you time’.   Oh yes, you will have to grab yourself to move, to do some work, to go shopping, etc.

You might only have a few hours of sleep a night, that even for months.

Waking up “soaking wet” in the morning, the “cold sweat”, is normal as body and mind are processing the drama (during sleep, muscles are paralyzed (obvious) so the body has no other option than to wake you up and/or to let it flow via the body itself).

We have to build life again from scratch, special after a very long R/S, as all was woven into each other, special  emotionally, the memories (good and bad), but also friends, relatives, even photos, places visited and stuff.

[Mutt]

Hi sbr1050,



I'm sorry to hear that. It's frustrating, confusing and depressing when a person with personality disorder traits blames the non-disordered partner for their highly dysfunctional behaviors. Often a pwBPD will illicit feelings of fear, obligation and guilt and it makes it difficult to leave the person. Don't be hard on yourself

Many of our members can relate. I'm glad that you have found us. There is hope.

Whom left whom?

Do you have a T?

[Hope0807]

You are not alone.  I am 40, female, and also gave the best of my baby making years to a disordered person who for a large majority of the time seemed like one of the most capable, kind, intelligent, loving person on the face of the earth.  What was revealed to me in the aftermath of our fallout forces me to replay the tiniest moments of our years together through a new lens.

I am curious to know if you still have and will keep a connection to the children? 

I was in a relationship with someone for 18 years and only in the last year was able to put a name to what I experienced with him.  I met him when I was 27 and he was 44.  He was widowed with two small daughters. I helped raise them but there were a lot of problems from the start. Most of the problems, I now see, had to do with him.  We had many breakups/getting back together - way too many to even count.  I tried leaving two years ago and he would not let me.  So, I kept trying.  I am 45 and was desperate for a child of my own with him. He talked the talk and convinced me to look into our options. We were in the process of talking to doctors when I realized exactly what I had been experiencing for the last 17 years.  On good days, he pushed me into looking into fertility options. But on a bad day, he would say, "I don't think I want a baby with you".  He finally stormed out in December. I was actually fine and relieved when he left.  I was completely fine for 3 months.  I started dating, was feeling positive and even put him out of my mind.  And then I see a picture of him with his new girlfriend, a 23 year old!  (he is 62). I realized he had been probably having an emotional relationship with her for at least a year.  It shook me to the core and now I am questioning EVERYTHING about our relationship, my own choices, my whole life.  I feel so stupid and feel devastated that I gave up the best years of my life and now may miss out on having children. How do I move past this?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey sbr1050, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you have been through.  You have come to the right place, though, as we "get it" when it comes to BPD.

We had many breakups/getting back together - way too many to even count.

This is typical for a BPD r/s.  Once I even broke off an engagement to my BPDxW (we later married).  I call it the "pushme-pullyou" aspect of a BPD r/s.  I thought it would subside after we married, but as time went on things only became more difficult.  So in some ways you are lucky to be out of the r/s, as painful as it might be at the moment.

My suggestion, at this point, is for you to focus on yourself, for a change.  Try to be kind and gentle with yourself as you navigate through the healing process.  Many of us have been in your shoes.

LuckyJim

[sbr1050]

I would like to maintain a relationship with the children however even that has always been tainted by him.  He was never a true parent to them - he wanted to be their friend.  I was essentially a stay at home mom (not that he financially ever helped with that) because I ran a business from my home.  I was the one that did the carpools, back-to-school shopping, knew the activities, etc.  But, he never backed me on ANYTHING.  He taught them, by his treatment of me, that they could be disrespectful towards me.

The younger daughter, now 26, lacks ambition and I have not really had much contact with her since she stopped working for me (she did not feel it necessary to show up on time for her job - Daddy basically blamed me for being too rigid on that point, and now provides her with a free place of her own and until recently she was unemployed.  She is now apprenticing with him now - not sure how long that will last). Apparently she and the 23 year old girlfriend, who is also apprenticing with him, are hanging out together a lot.

I am very proud of the older daughter, 29 years old.  She put herself thru college, got a teaching degree, got a Master's degree, got married, and last week gave birth to her first child, a baby boy (that last part was extremely hard for me - seeing pictures, not being a part of any of it, my feelings about wanting a baby, etc).  I sent a gift prior to the baby being born.  She messaged me, thanking me for the gift and for all that I did for her growing up. It was a long, heartfelt note which I will always cherish.  I love these kids but never felt they cared about me.  I mentioned her father and his recent choices and hoped she was doing alright with all of it. I did not say anything about my feelings - I really just cared about how she felt about it.  She was very diplomatic in her response, which I expected, but I hope she truly is alright with it.  I know I would be mortified if my father was with a girl 40 years younger.  From others, I hear that he and the 23 year old are very inappropriate with each other in public and on jobs. The 23 year old rides on his lap in the truck. I can only imagine how this looks to his daughters (one of which is also in the truck, going to jobs with them) and to his customers.

He has a son from his first marriage that I never really had a close relationship with.  He is very much like his father. He is 38 and already has two marriages under his belt.  From what I hear, the son on-and-off dates the 23 year olds 20 year old sister. 

The whole situation makes me want to vomit.  The man I knew had so much class and character.  He always took the high road and treated people with kindness.  I admired him and his values.  Now I feel as though I am writing about a Jerry Springer show. And my heart breaks at the dysfunction the daughters (well, at least the older daughter) have to be a part of.