My BPDw says I never accept blame

[Processing]

My sons and I were given a task this weekend and we admittedly messed it up.  It involved writing down info.  When trying to tell her a little more about the situation, she explained that she was "baffled by the fact that the three of you (me and the boys) couldn't do something so simple."  Now, she did not rage when she said this.  It was just said with a little frustration.  I tried to explain that I did not think we had chosen poorly how to record the info (we used my phone and the info was deleted on accident - she couldn't believe we didn't use a pen and paper), it was just an unpredictable accident that happened.  But no matter what I said, unless I agreed that we were wrong to use my phone, she would not let up.  Eventually she said that I NEVER accept blame.  And it is really hard to have a husband that will NEVER accept blame for ANYTHING!

I had to sit down at this point as I was so frustrated.  I have probably given her this feedback 1000 times that she can not accept blame.  It feels like to me I am constantly (in almost every fight) trying to get her to see that the issue has two sides to it (her side and my side).  I try to say in every fight, I could be right or you could be right.     

When I tried to explain to her this time that it was ok with me that she was frustrated with us, and that she could even say she was frustrated with us.  But when she moved into insulting us by saying she was "baffled" we couldn't "do something so simple."  It just felt insulting.  And when I feel insulted or attacked, it is hard to accept blame or do anything besides be defensive. 

She then took up the argument of me being too sensitive again. 

She said she felt like she had to "talk to me like a kindergarten teacher."  The good news is that after some discussion, she was able to see that saying she had to talk to me like a kindergarten teacher might be an example of her using inflammatory language.     

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[Fian]

Keep in mind that just because we have a BPD spouse that doesn't accept blame, it doesn't mean that the non does accept blame.  It is tempting to blame all marital troubles on the person with the BPD, but I have found that in my case at least, that when I look at myself, I am also doing things that cause troubles in the marriage.

Now, I will admit that blame is especially hard to take as a non, because pwBPD are constantly in blame mode.  It is like the child who cries wolf, you start to reflexively discount blame from the BPD because they do it so much.

[Hmcbart]

This is where the idea of JADEing comes in. When you begin to justify your actions and explain why you did what ever it was that upset the person, you only invalidate their belief that it's your fault.

I'm not saying you should accept the blame if it's not your to accept. You use the SET method to say what you need to without accepting or placing blame.

There are many examples of how to use this technique on the forum. I'm still learning to use it myself. I've probably messed it up more times that I've gotten it right but it's a work in progress.

The biggest thing is to end the conversation in a way that neither places or accepts the blame. If it was something that was your fault, accept it and move on. She will most likely try to dwell on it and try to beat you up over it but you job is to accept it and move on. If she won't let it go, then you gracefully bow out of the debate.

One thing I've learned in 20 years with my wife is that you can't win an argument. You will lose almost every time because you are using logic and the other person is using emotion and feelings. To the BPD person, feelings equal fact. You don't see it this way because facts equal facts to you. When they believe they are right and you are wrong, you will never get them to believe otherwise.

[maxen]

Now, I will admit that blame is especially hard to take as a non, because pwBPD are constantly in blame mode.  It is like the child who cries wolf, you start to reflexively discount blame from the BPD because they do it so much.

another reaction often seen is to reflexively accept blame from the BPD. acceding to it only reinforces the behavior in the BPD and the despair in the non. neither discounting it nor accepting it contribute to a harmonious relationship, or as harmonious as it can be. Hmcbart give good suggestions with using SET and avoiding JADE. we have resources on communication:

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

we also have a resource on projection:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

and a summary of tools here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.#msg913190

while i understand your frustration Processing, having lived it myself, this:

I have probably given her this feedback 1000 times that she can not accept blame.

will not be heard as feedback, however accurate it surely is, but as invalidation. in the last of the links above there is a bit about communicating with validation.

how are your children doing?