Wants to be friends... how to respond when I already agreed to?

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We've been broken up for almost month and have remained in contact.  He now wants to be friends... .I need to suggestions on how to say I don't want to be... .I agreed and said I would try but he has sent some childish texts since then and it is just way too hard for me, almost like torment.  He sent me a photo of his jeep... .which we used to enjoy taking it out... .it hasn't been running for 2 years... .I was like why are you sending me that... he said I'm out having fun.    Then he sent a text saying he was looking for houses in my neighborhood, which was a HUGE slap in my face as for the last year and a half I've wanted him to move into my place to help me avoid foreclosure (which has been foreclosed on just recently) and the sale date is next week.  I could've thrown up.  This has been a huge issue in our relationship bc his place is way to small and wouldn't accommodate the the 4 children between us, my 2 and his. But I didn't engage, just said there's plenty to rent and he'll find something... .it took a lot of strength not to call him a sick sob but I didn't  Then he sent this test-- I'm sure you have plenty of acquaintances who are available, after I sent a a text that I was watching a movie and had nothing else better to do... .I asked what he meant and he said to "give it a rest"  I said why don't you give being mean a rest"  6 hours later he replied ok.  I haven't txt anything.  I hate this... .he's consuming my thoughts and I need to focus my energy on much important matters.  

[healingheart13]

We've been broken up for almost month and have remained in contact.  He now wants to be friends... .I need to suggestions on how to say I don't want to be... .I agreed and said I would try but he has sent some childish texts since then and it is just way too hard for me, almost like torment.  He sent me a photo of his jeep... .which we used to enjoy taking it out... .it hasn't been running for 2 years... .I was like why are you sending me that... he said I'm out having fun.    Then he sent a text saying he was looking for houses in my neighborhood, which was a HUGE slap in my face as for the last year and a half I've wanted him to move into my place to help me avoid foreclosure (which has been foreclosed on just recently) and the sale date is next week.  I could've thrown up.  This has been a huge issue in our relationship bc his place is way to small and wouldn't accommodate the the 4 children between us, my 2 and his. But I didn't engage, just said there's plenty to rent and he'll find something... .it took a lot of strength not to call him a sick sob but I didn't  Then he sent this test-- I'm sure you have plenty of acquaintances who are available, after I sent a a text that I was watching a movie and had nothing else better to do... .I asked what he meant and he said to "give it a rest"  I said why don't you give being mean a rest"  6 hours later he replied ok.  I haven't txt anything.  I hate this... .he's consuming my thoughts and I need to focus my energy on much important matters.  

[Mutt]

Hi healingheart,

I can understand that awful feeling when an ex partner consumes our energy and thoughts. I'm sorry to hear about your house.

This has been a huge issue in our relationship bc his place is way to small and wouldn't accommodate the the 4 children between us, my 2 and his.

You have 2 kids from a previous r/s and he has 2 as well? How are your kids and his kids? Is there visitation?

We've been broken up for almost month and have remained in contact.  

Are the kids the reason why the contact or settling lose ends with the r/s? It's difficult to be friends with a person that suffers from BPD it's all or nothing.

[healingheart13]

Hi healingheart,

I can understand that awful feeling when an ex partner consumes our energy and thoughts. I'm sorry to hear about your house.

Do you have a custody agreement?

Hi Mutt,

Thank you for your response. No custody agreement bc we don't have kids together... .we have been together for 4.5 years and I have longed to live together and become a blended family... .the last few months not so much as he's been terrible to me. No worries about the house, it's been a long time coming and a gigantic thorn in my side.  He actually was going to move in last September and cost me almost $7000 due to the trial modification that I chose to do bc I couldn't swing the payments unless he moved in and helped. So I went along with the trial paying $1600 a month for 3 months and paying large HOA fees. So I spent all this $$$ and he decided last minute that he couldn't.  The $$ I spent could've been $$$ for a new place.  I was crushed... .since then the relationship has been south.  I just don't see why he's trying to torment me with this childish BS!  I'm also suffering bc I got a DUI last month and that's when he turned his back on me... JEEZ  so complicated.   :'(

We don't have children together

[healingheart13]

Yes, I have my 2 from my former marriage.  He actually has 5 children, 3 adults and 2 that are 12 and 11.  I'm a single mom and have been for 4 years.  My ex husband bailed and hasn't seen or spoken to my kiddos 10 and 7 in 3.5 years.  I think that's why I'm so co-depedent.  No, I just didn't want to let go of the friendship so was reaching out after my unfortunate event and he said can I handle being friends.  At first I said no way... .but then agreed. Just hanging onto something... .but it's really nothing but hurt and misery.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear he changed his mind last minute and cost you a lot of money that could of been used for your family. Have you thought about "no contact" to stop the bleeding, giving space for you to heal and focus the energy on you and your family, and get him out of your daily life activities?

You replied while I was modifiying my post. Sorry. I think that you have a couple of options... .

a) You could say nothing and go no contact.

b) You could say something like "I'm sorry friendship is out of the question. Good luck on house hunting"

Keep in mind that he may try to get you to reason with him with why you changed your mind. To stop his drama I recommend to not JADE ( Justify, Attack, Defend or Explain) the reason why you changed your mind, you have that right to change your mind. Say things once and let your words stand.

"No Contact" the Right Way and the Wrong Way

"No Contact" is mostly about the non-borderline forcing "distance" into the relationship to help the non-borderline heal; to get the "space" needed to get over the hurt; get on with their lives.

The key elements of "No Contact" are

~    to get the partner out of your day-to- day life,

~    to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,

~    to take them out of your vision of the future,

~    to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and

~    to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

   

These are the simple objectives of "No Contact". You may need to remind yourself every day of what you are trying to do. It takes focus and determination to do this - at a time when you probably just want to sit down and cry. Just keep reminding yourself that it takes great strength and determination to be emotionally healthy.

[healingheart13]

Thank you!  I think I like your first reply... .no contact and not say anything. I've done the no contact before and as soon as I start feeling better it seems like he swoons right in and hooks and I take it.  I'm just so worried bc I'm so vulnerable right now... .but for the first time in the 4.5 years I think he is truly over me.  I just feel in and can sense it... .which hurts like hell but in the long run will be so much better.  Thanks again for your advice!  Feels good to vent here... .I only have 1 friend that understands what I am going through as her boyfriend has BPD as well.  My mom even said to me if I go back to him... .her and I are done... .my relationship was stressing her and my father out! 

[Mutt]

Just hanging onto something... .but it's really nothing but hurt and misery.

I have to agree with the article that it takes strength and determination to stay emotionally healthy and it's important that we take care of yourselves and not obsess about what our ex partner's thoughts are or a vision with a future together. I'm not saying this to be critical and that hanging onto something causes suffering.

I think that you have identified that when you start feeling better ( this is really what it's about for non's ) that you may have moments where you may doubt his motivations and there's a chance at reconciling? You've been down this road before and I think the test is when he begins to idealize you and say wonderful things.

I can understand how we may feel a kind of isolation in real life with having family and friends that don't understand. They may mean well and I think it's difficult for someone to empathize with non's in a relationship where the partner is mentally ill because a lot of the behavior is behind closed doors. I didn't have emotional support from my family and friends because they couldn't relate and I found it helps talking to people that "get it" like your friend.