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[Ripples]

In hindsight, once all the pieces of the puzzle had fallen into place, it became easier for me to finally see how I had been used. The illusion that had been created was very believable and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

But I now see and understand that it was, at the end of the day just an illusion deigned to satisfy her needs at the time. Without my buy in her needs would not have been met so it was important for her to pretend that it was all for real. Sadly it was not. I was used, abused and abandoned once her needs had been met. Understanding and accepting this has taken many years, mainly because I continued to believe her words rather than accept her actions. Only now do I see my error. I have been foolish and naive.

As I look at her life now, which on the surface looks complete I do believe that it too is an illusion which she works very hard to maintain. Sustaining this will be incredibly hard work for her and I pity the poor sod who is now trapped in her whacky make believe world.

For those struggling to make sense of their experiences I would recommend that you begin to accept that what you have or are experiencing is much the same. Sadly, you served a purpose which is no longer required. If you can accept this it may help you make sense of what you have had to endure.

For whatever reason these people don't care. They use, abuse and abandon. That is there trade mark. What you experienced was not real and never sustainable. We were tricked.

[enlighten me]

I couldnt agree more ripples. Realising this was a huge leap towards detatching. Once you realise then you can see your role in it aswell. I now realise that I bought into it so completely as it is what I had always wanted. Now I realise that what I wanted will never be so I should just enjoy myself and get on with my life. I am so much happier now and much more content with my.

[Mutt]

I can understand how frustrating and sad the experience with having a partner that suffers mental illness would be.

I am confused though with your thread title. It says feedback and I read your post as a perspective or insight.

For those struggling to make sense of their experiences I would recommend that you begin to accept that what you have or are experiencing is much the same. Sadly, you served a purpose which is no longer required. If you can accept this it may help you make sense of what you have had to endure.

I think that everyone's experiences are different and their own. Personally, it was an experience that brought a lot of valuable lessons and an opportunity to look at my own behaviors and to find myself.

I was a good man that suffered from low self esteem issues and didn't understand what validation is or self validation. I think that's what attracted me to the wonderful woman that I first met a "fata morgana" If  I look at this complex illusion, it's really a reflection of my wonderful qualities.

I'm speaking for myself when I say this, and I believe that I had a lot of rough edges and the experience helped with smoothing out those rough edges and I continue to learn more about myself and how important a bond is with inter-personal relationships and what I was missing in intimate relationships - reciprocity.

I understand that I didn't know better coming from an invalidating FOO and I invalidated other peoples perspectives and feelings. I learned how important communication is with partners and family members, especially my kids and validation.

I was searching for external validation and I have life-long emotional wounds and I chose to radically accept family members that brought a lot of pain and my own suffering over in my life and I chose to forgive them and myself to let go of the anger and resentment. I learned all if these lessons from my ex partner that suffers from a difficult and complex disorder - BPD.  I'm happy with who I am and what I have now.

For whatever reason these people don't care. They use, abuse and abandon. That is there trade mark. What you experienced was not real and never sustainable. We were tricked.

Everyone's different that suffers from BPD  and have different traits, characteristics, severity along a continuum, it's a spectrum disorder. A person that suffers from BPD feels emotions 9 times more than a non and feel more negative feelings than positive ones and feel shame. Shame is different than guilt, guilt is feeling like you did something wrong, shame is feeling like there's something wrong with you. Many of us would have to reflect back to our childhood to relate to feeling shame, perhaps a caretaker, parent, teacher may of embarrassed you and you felt shame.

Everyone's ex partner on the boards is different and display different levels of empathy and it can be difficult for the pwBPD to display empathy when they're emotionally dysregulated. A pwBPD do have empathy and I found I would miss that my ex partner said or displayed that she did care. I had to take a second look after letting go of my angry feelings. It's not to say that you should feel that was and I'm giving my feedback from my experience. I think that the mentally ill teach us, I continue to learn lessons everyday from BPD. I understand it wasn't her intention and it was so from BPD.

I read a lot about your ex partner in your post and how about you?

[Ripples]

Mutt, your post is excellent and I thank you for your time in responding.

So much of what you say has applied to my own situation. My own experience acted as a platform for me to look very closely at who I am and what my past influences were and how they have played out on my own personality. This proved to be a painful and harrowing journey which like yours continues to evolve to this day. But with time I learn more and believe that I know myself more today than I did when my ex was in my life, and before. That said I have a long way to go.

As a result of my own experiences I lost my home and my job and finally cracked at a friends funeral. I won't go into detail but of course it was a very low point in my life. From there the self analysis began. Initially I really didn't like who I was, believing that these things happened because I was a bad person. Admittedly I was not what I thought I was but I slowly learnt that I was actually ok as a person but vulnerable to triggers. I hope I have learnt to identify these triggers and deal with them appropriately. Its been a long and hard journey trying to escape the hole I had dug for myself but at last I think I am beginning to climb over the edge back to a degree of normality.

Of course I did not intend to generalise BPD and im sorry if that is the way it came over. Many people here struggle with understanding what happened to them and I do believe that regardless of the the motivations (conscious or subconscious) of their respective ex's, on a top line they were used. I of course sympathise with anyone suffering from mental or physical problems however, I for one have come here to better understand what happened to me. My experiences have been so similar to others here and the questions we are left holding are so difficult to answer. Our partners may not have been aware of their intentions however we have all been selected because we had something that they needed at that time. Maybe balanced people do this too, im not sure.

I hope this clarifies my stance a little more but please feel free to tell me otherwise!

[fromheeltoheal]

It's a progression.  We come here in pain, maybe thinking it was all us, we screwed up, we're defective, it's all our fault, she's screwing someone else now because we just aren't good enough, blah, blah.  Then we learn there's a website full of people who went through something similar and there's a thing called a personality disorder that sounds exactly like her when we read the description, so phew!  Not only are we not alone and not going insane, not only was it not all me, it wasn't even mostly me.  WooHoo!

So then what.  The only useless pain is the pain we don't use.  So how can we use this?  We could say that we've got deep-seated emotional trauma left over from our youth and are damaged and broken, and maybe that's true for some, or we could say we've just been given the opportunity to learn and grow, as a result of getting close to someone who is wired very differently from us, and treat it as the gift it is.  Overly optimistic to the point of whitewashing the truth?  Only if you say so.  Take care of you!

[sas1729]

As in many things in life, it can be difficult to separate logic from emotion. I think in many cases, the nonBPD involved with a pwBPD can be highly emotional themselves. Not in a disregulated way, but instead someone who both wants and gives a lot in a relationship. It probably contributes to why we stayed. We loved the idealization and would suffer when it turned, but still believed and worked at trying to make the other person happy. We have emotional needs too but want to give equally back. I think BPD traits click with what we need as input, but fail at when we give output. It's not nearly as simple as this, I know.

I agree that at the heart of the matter is that a pwBPD is suffering themselves from a personality disorder. Their needs come across as selfish at times. In my own case, the healing came in two stages. First, I had to protect myself. And this is not easy. It's scary to face losing someone. But what I did was I tried very hard to separate logic from emotion. I looked at the data. The data showed that I was being mistreated and used. I was deeply hurt and my needs were not being met and valued. Time and time again the same pattern would occur. I think this was the most difficult step of the process, since it led to the breakup.

The second part of the healing is accepting the traits of BPD. For me, I attained an almost clinic view of my relationship. The understanding helped to heal. Today, I look at my past relationship clinically, almost completely detached emotionally. I miss a few of the good times, but a strict acceptance of the data showed that there were many bad moments as well. Enough bad that I was hurt over and over. My point is that only after looking critically at how I was feeling throughout the relationship and at the data could I later accept the traits of BPD.

[Mutt]

But with time I learn more and believe that I know myself more today than I did when my ex was in my life, and before. That said I have a long way to go.

A pwBPD want you to meet their needs and I can understand how frustrating, sad and exhausting that can be if we're not aware that we're cast in a role of emotional caretaker and the break-up can be greatly painful. You can use this as a benchmark and see how your thoughts, feelings, understanding changes in a few months, year, a couple of years etc. I think that you have it right with looking at ourselves.

Its been a long and hard journey trying to escape the hole I had dug for myself but at last I think I am beginning to climb over the edge back to a degree of normality.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of this. I can relate. Benjamin Hoff summarizes my feelings of being in hole that I felt that I was in two years ago. That's how I felt and it doesn't mean anyone else here has to feel the same way. It's  good to hear that you have some semblance of normality again  That must feel good?

In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it  ~ Benjamin Hoff

Absolutely we need to make sense of our experiences with a post-mortem of a break-up, I believe own what's ours in the post mortem, learn as much as you can about BPD.

[Herodias]

I understand the used and abused feelings... .I just can't except that it was all fake. I was told on another thread, it's not fake- it's mental illness. I believe my husband loves me in his own way, very much. I just think because of his mental illness, he doesn't do it the way the rest of us feel it should be. Sometimes I feel like I am in denial about the whole thing, but I was told that alcoholics "stuff their feelings"... .I believe when he drinks and he lets me in on the pain he is feeling, that is the true self. The drunk man I see and hear from says he loves me very much. The sober man puts me off. Stuffing his feelings once again. I just can't deal with a drunk. The illness is hard enough.

[Ripples]

I would also like to add that what compounded my feelings of unworthiness further and made me see that I was used was the fact that she finally settled into what is perceived to be a "normal" family life. A husband, two kids, a home, a business etc. (all the while stringing me along with empty words like "I love you"!). This really was a swerve ball that made me doubt myself further and added much confusion, until one day it all clicked into place.

However, in time I have come to accept that I don't know the real dynamic of that relationship and sure as hell would not like to be in it. My time with her may have been a stepping stone in her development of which I know there were many others. Perhaps finally she is a healthier person capable of sustaining a healthy, lasting relationship. I really hope so.

One thing is for sure, this board has been incredibly helpful in supporting my understanding and recovery for which i will always be eternally grateful.

[Mutt]

A husband, two kids, a home, a business etc. (all the while stringing me along with empty words like "I love you"!). This really was a swerve ball that made me doubt myself further and added much confusion, until one day it all clicked into place.

However, in time I have come to accept that I don't know the real dynamic of that relationship and sure as hell would not like to be in it. My time with her may have been a stepping stone in her development of which I know there were many others. Perhaps finally she is a healthier person capable of sustaining a healthy, lasting relationship. I really hope so.

Hi Ripples,

I can understand how confusing all of this is and often members struggle with what was real, if their ex partner loved them and if it was all just a game. I struggled with this too.

I do like your analogy that it may be a "stepping stone for her development" and that you do wish her well. It sounds like personal progress.

I think this is a good article from the perspective of a person that suffers from BPD. We touched on over-generalizations in your thread  It helped me, and I hope it helps you and our members as well.

Some of you, partners of people with Borderline Personality Disorder, worry that your relationship was just a game - that your lover was using you and felt nothing for you.

It’s probably not true. Again, I can not speak for everyone and I know that there are bad people out there, but this is not typical BPD behavior.

Before and when I was in a relationship, my feelings were quite genuine. I didn’t have a conscious ulterior motive. There was an authentic connection and while it may have been unhealthy or for the wrong reasons, it was, in my mind and heart, real.  I seemed as if I was in love. I felt that I was in love.

The bond that occurred in the beginning of my relationship was incredible; there was a deep sense of knowing the other person intimately, intuitively. He became my whole world and it was wonderful; rapturous.

When my boyfriends left – and invariably they all left – my world was annihilated. Everything fell to ashes.

My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

[valet]

I think that it all boils down to a distribution of pain.

It's common to blame the pwBPD, and most of us do this for a while.

The truth is that both parties felt immense pain, and both caused it to occur in themselves and each other. This is the thing to avoid and the thing to sense. We all hurt to varying degrees, but when two hurts intertwine the results can be especially catastrophic.