Are we here to learn and become emotionally more mature?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Sometimes I simply don't know how to tell someone something. Maybe I over think it, but sometimes it comes down to how do I word something or explain something in a way that it is understood the way I intend it, that doesn't put someone on the defensive so they don't hear the message, and other times it's tied to managing my own feelings about something.

I assure you that I am not trying to abuse anyone.

Panda39

[Panda39]

Sometimes I simply don't know how to tell someone something. Maybe I over think it, but sometimes it comes down to how do I word something or explain something in a way that it is understood the way I intend it, that doesn't put someone on the defensive so they don't hear the message, and other times it's tied to managing my own feelings about something.

I assure you that I am not trying to abuse anyone.

Panda39

[enlighten me]

Hi Panda

I have started many a reply and deleted it as I didn't know how to get what I wanted across in either an intelligible way or in a way that wont cause offense.

Ive had in the past messages to remind me that I needed to be careful how I put things. Further down the line I can see why. It can be very easy to see threads as a one on one conversation at times. We can forget theres a wider audience and everyone has a different experience.

The No contact topic is a good example of this. It can be an extremely useful tool depending on the circumstances. Its not necessarily the only answer. I couldn't go NC as I have children. For others the situation could be they are trying to get away from an abusive ex. Others could use it to get the message across that things are over but some do use it as a weapon. Theres no one size fits all solution.

Ive often been told its not whats said but how its received. Sometimes no matter how hard I try to put across something in a sensitive way it isn't received that way.

[hurting300]

Let me clear something up, when you write a letter, send a text, verbally speak (don't contact me) You just did the right safe thing to do. They can no longer expect anything. Silent treatment is simply picking up and leaving without a word. Stonewalling if you will. So many people think this No Contact is the golden rule when it's really not and most don't know what it even is. If you're healthy contact don't even matter. My ex disappeared without a word. In court she had the nerve to say it was for safety and it was "no contact". Her doing that to me caused me to search for her, everyday and every night. Online, drive by's and any other way. When In fact what my ex did to me was ghosting and that did not make the judge happy. The judge clearly stated; how is it HARASSMENT OR STALKING when you never said "leave me alone"... I won in court. Yes I sound bitter and cold right now but trust me I'm not that guy. oh. And she admitted to leaving other men in this fashion also... one of those men sadly took his own life.

[hergestridge]

Let me clear something up, when you write a letter, send a text, verbally speak (don't contact me) You just did the right safe thing to do. They can no longer expect anything. Silent treatment is simply picking up and leaving without a word. Stonewalling if you will. So many people think this No Contact is the golden rule when it's really not and most don't know what it even is. If you're healthy contact don't even matter. My ex disappeared without a word. In court she had the nerve to say it was for safety and it was "no contact". Her doing that to me caused me to search for her, everyday and every night. Online, drive by's and any other way. When In fact what my ex did to me was ghosting and that did not make the judge happy. The judge clearly stated; how is it HARASSMENT OR STALKING when you never said "leave me alone"... I won in court. Yes I sound bitter and cold right now but trust me I'm not that guy. oh. And she admitted to leaving other men in this fashion also... one of those men sadly took his own life.

Ok, but I'm quite sure that the concept of "no contact" is most commonly understood here as something that happens after a couple has broke up.

[Reforming]

I agree that we should be aware of our reasons for NC.

Punishing our exes isn't going to help us heal and move on.

I also accept that there's no one fit all rule for this.

We all deserve to make that choice without being judged by others.

We're all different and some will heal better with limited contact and disengaging and detachment is a different process for each of us.

But there is also a question of boundaries here.

If someone treats you with cruelty and contempt, harms you (even if they're mentally unwell) is it unhealthy to cease contact with them?

I spent a long time with my ex and at some level I will always care about her.

But I've seen the way that she treated her previous ex and various people that she very was close friends with.

It's very sad to have no contact with someone you loved, (though this can often happen after people separate) but I also realise that contact with my ex is harmful to me and that in order to care, protect and value myself in healthy way it is better not to have her in my life.

It's sad, but I think the alternative would make me even sadder.

Healthy friendship requires mutual respect and trust.

Reforming

[iwantnormal]

For myself, becoming emotionally more mature, has been a byproduct of my relationship. Long story short, I started suspecting BPD in her. I looked for tools to help her (DBT, mindfulness, etc). I read the books so that I could use the knowledge to explain to her the tools for regulating emotions. I ended up using the same tools to help myself, especially mindfulness.

Asking questions to myself, what made me drawn to her. Why did this continue. Looking at myself (and not her) for answers is what helped me grow. Or maybe I'm just getting older and perhaps there is a natural tendency to tolerate less bull___ as one ages. Really don't know.

One thing, I feel I have learnt more this past 1 year with her than I have my entire life.

[Michelle27]

When I first found this forum after discovering the existence of BPD and having it make the most sense in explaining what was going on in my marriage.  At that point, I needed the validation and a safe place to vent that this place offered.  I read stuff about changing me but I truly wasn't ready at first.  At that time, I just wanted to fix him and thought we'd be fine if those unhealthy behaviors stopped.  Over time, I realized that I was just as much part of the problem, if not MORE because I ALLOWED the behaviors to keep happening with no consequences and worse, no boundaries on my part. 

5 years after I first came to this site, it was a different experience. My eyes were opened as far as the whole picture, and I needed to solve my issues with or without (ultimately I chose without) my husband.  I discovered that I needed to heal my own scars from my history and move forward in a way that allows me to be the best person I can, be there for my kids and even better, be truly open for a real relationship with respectful, open communication.  It's been an amazing journey and one I'm nowhere done with yet. 

I am super grateful for what I've found here on this site.  I got what I needed when I needed it and didn't ever feel like I was wrong for feeling the way I do at whatever place I was in my journey.  I was on a variety of different BPD boards and this by far was the most helpful.

[Learning_curve74]

There are only a few things I consider dogma on bpdfamily, and those are 1) you must take care of yourself, 2) you can only control yourself and your actions, and maybe 3) everybody wants to be heard.

If somebody suggests a viewpoint different from mine, that is fine; I can choose not to take great offense, and I might even learn something and that's a good thing.