Feel like I'm the one who is crazy

[sunesky]

I have been dumbfounded for the last 4 years of our relationship and sometimes feel so helpless. The last argument with my partner he said he hated me. Now I feel like I have to let him go. How far is this going to go? Sometimes I fear his unpredictability. I don't know what he's capable of. I woke this morning after he left in anger last night to find my small cedar tree literally on its side in the front yard, with the roots still in the ground. The neighbours must think he's a maniac. I think he is a maniac.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Hi Suneksy, welcome! Your message of pain and confusion is a familiar one here, mostly everyone can relate to your situation. Please take a look at the Lessons on the right side of the page(https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206), it is a great place to start to learn about our partner's behavior and our role in the situation. Feel free to vent, ask questions, and review the stories of other people here, we are here to support you. What was the breaking point that caused you to find us?

[Ceruleanblue]

You are not crazy, but being around pwBPD can make you feel that way. Just recently, I accidentally broke BPDh's headphones, and a couple days later, I find mine snapped in two. Now, I could have done it I suppose(I thought I'd tripped over my computer power cord, as I do it often), but I'd bet he did it. They were a gift from my son, and he hates my son, and he's passive aggressive. I'm not sure he did it, but it's just suspicious, to say the least.

The tools on the right are helpful, and so is finding out all you can about BPD. It's hard to deal with on a daily basis and always know the best, or right way to react. Reading the tools, and learning will at least help you have an idea of things that might get better results. Welcome to the site.

[an0ught]

Welcome sunesky,

I have been dumbfounded for the last 4 years of our relationship and sometimes feel so helpless.

This condition is highly disorienting for people and partners caught up in it  . The LESSONS and the discussion on the board can help here a bit by focusing you on the areas where you do have control.

The last argument with my partner he said he hated me. Now I feel like I have to let him go. How far is this going to go? Sometimes I fear his unpredictability. I don't know what he's capable of. I woke this morning after he left in anger last night to find my small cedar tree literally on its side in the front yard, with the roots still in the ground. The neighbours must think he's a maniac. I think he is a maniac.

right this type of behavior is not ok  .  What happened before? Are these arguments regularly leading to destruction?

You sound a little bit like you are afraid of him?

,

a0

[sunesky]

As I'm learning more and more and have recently friended someone who seems they also have a worse BPD partner, I realize 1. I still love my partner very much, he at least learns somewhat from his mistakes, he doesn't always destroy things, yes I am fearful in a sense of how bad of a situation will it be not because of my physical safety. My partner has stated he would rather hurt himself than me on more than one occasion. That makes me fearful too, my last breakup with him I was having terrible visions of him laying dead in our bedroom as I walk in to turn on the light. I told him this and he said he had thought of hanging himself from the tree in our neighbours backyard instead. Sheesh!

Now we're communicating again, and it always seems to go like this, he's being his wonderful self again and wanting to do anything for our relationship. He's agreed to go to anger management classes with me and I've asked him if he'd have a look at this website, maybe we can learn together... Am I wasting my time? I don't know, but here I am willing to try again but at least I feel somewhat more understanding, hopefully more patient, and keep my fingers crossed hoping that with counselling, an understanding partner and lots of time, he's only 30, maybe he will remain the person I fell in love with and we can stay together.

However, now I'm facing loved ones who totally disagree and think I'm crazy for staying.

I guess I should change my status to on the fence or staying with a BPD partner...

[cyclistIII]

About four months before I left my ex-husband wBPD, I was telling a friend what was going on with us and he asked me why I didn't just leave.

I said, because I'm in love with him, and I would miss him, and I would come back. I was 99% sure the relationship was doomed, but I had to be 100% sure; otherwise I knew we'd just break up, get back together, have a blissful honeymoon period, and then repeat the cycle.

The day I finally left, we'd fought and talked about breaking up the night before and then had our usual tearful, "But I love you, we'll keep trying, we just need to have faith" conversation.

And then I woke up in the morning and thought, no. I don't want to do this again. It's never going to get better. I'm done.

I left that day, and never regretted it. I missed him like crazy, and I still loved him (part of me still does, and this was 12 years ago), but I knew I'd made the right decision.

Are you wasting your time? I don't think so. It sounds like you are having doubts that the relationship will work out even with counseling, but if you feel you need to try and find out for sure, then even if the relationship doesn't work out, the experience of knowing you tried everything you could may be helpful to you in and of itself.

I say trust yourself, take care of yourself, and give yourself permission to do what you need to do.

[yeeter]

Make sure you keep your friends and family close.  If they have drifted (which can sometimes happen in these relationships), rekindle them.  Build the support network for you, since this will be a key piece of keeping you grounded. Use them as part of 'putting your own lifevest on first'.  Once you get yourself on solid ground you can then figure out what to do with the relationship.

[blackorchid]

I can totally relate to you. I feel like I'm the insane one every day atm.  Sometimes I even feel like o must be crazy to think he has this and am I even creating this illness in my head for him   

You have to do what's in your heart. Otherwise you will never feel right.  I understand exactly how you feel with loved ones disagreeing and thinking that your crazy. I'm sure that's another thing we all have in common here.  Just keep strong. Read the lessons and keep talking on here. 

[babyducks]

Hi sunesky,

I wanted to join everyone in welcoming you.

I've asked him if he'd have a look at this website, maybe we can learn together...

There is a tremendous wealth of information on this website.   And you will find it very helpful as you dig into the Lessons and workshops.    I did notice that you mentioned sharing this website with your partner.   I would  recommend that you not do that .   Much of the language and tone of this website can be triggering or upsetting to people who have the traits of BPD.   While I certainly understand the temptation to share what you are learning with your partner, this site will serve you best if it is a safe place for you express your thoughts and feelings.   It is very likely that some of the postings would be troubling to your partner.   

The diagnosis of BPD is a complicated one,  trained professionals will take weeks to months in therapy before making a diagnosis of BPD, which can often be comorbid with other disorders.   The diagnostic criteria are similar to other mental illnesses.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

It took me a long time to learn about this disorder.   And even longer to understand my role in the relationship I found myself in.   What I can suggest to others based on what I learned is to go slow,  take some time to allow the Lessons and the reading/posting here sink in.

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

There are tools and skills that will help with communications and keeping you grounded.  We are here to support and encourage you because we understand what you are going through.

How are you doing today?

'ducks

[sunesky]

I can totally relate to you. I feel like I'm the insane one every day atm.  Sometimes I even feel like o must be crazy to think he has this and am I even creating this illness in my head for him   

Thank goodness, I am not the only one... .I have thought this a few times myself.

Being on this website has given me the most support ever and has cleared up so much confusion for me. I am so grateful for everyone's support and input. Wow! I can't tell how alone, fearful, and ashamed I have felt. I am normally a strong person, but I wavered many times with my partner and found myself behaving in a way I normally would not. Yelling and arguing with someone was not on my list of things to do at all and then With him it eventually became I always felt like I had to defend myself repeatedly, and I was getting soo tired of that... .I always said to my partner, "you always know how to make things worse" a huge red flag there, but I could never figure out why? maybe now I can just learn how to validate.

But now my question is if I always am the one putting in the work, do I always have to be the one that sacrifices?

I have also come to realize that there probably are various degrees of BPD, some better than others which gives me hope as my partner has a lot of other good qualities.

Besides the caregiver, do other people experience bewilderment? I'm just wondering because my kids notice his behaviour but other people do not. Like coworkers, friends and other family members. Are they on better behaviour there or is it because they are not emotionally involved with these people?

CyclistIII

Believe me, I have been there a few times myself thinking HE would have to be the one to end this merry go round, but I have also realized that I also may have co dependency issues myself. Which I'm going to look into further with my counsellor.

[blackorchid]

Hi sunesky I'm normally a strong person too apart from when he becomes like this. Learn the lessons and as hard as it gets try to remember them when you're in the heat of the moment.

I think you're right on them not bring emotionally involved with others so not showing this type of behaviour.  My partner has told me on more than one occasion after he has self-soothed that he's sorry he knows he takes all problems out on me and that's because he loves me so much and has no one else. But that's just my personal am experience.

[babyducks]

Hi Sunesky,

BPD fears of engulfment and abandonment play out with the people they are closest too.  The closer the relationship the more likely you are to see the intense emotional reactions.   What is sometimes called the "I love you -  go away" push pull cycle.   People with BPD want to be in a close loving relationship, and are afraid to be in a close loving relationship (feel engulfed by it).   They don't have those fears with co workers or friends or distant family.  That is one of the difficulties of these relationships, to 'outsiders'  everything looks perfectly normal.   I know when I describe some of my partner's behavior to people who don't know about the disorder they don't believe me, they think I am distorting reality or twisting facts.

Validation helps.   I can't tell you enough how much validation helped me and my relationship.  I will tell you it took me some practice.  And I had to practice on people other than my partner for a while until I got the hang of it.   I used people at work.  I didn't tell them I was using them to practice with.   Just tried to validate their feelings about the boss or the job.   It was surprisingly difficult at first and I sounded stiff and unnatural for a while.   It got easier with time.

You are absolutely right and I am glad you picked up on it.   There are various degrees of BPD and everyone who suffers from this disorder is an individual with unique personalities.   It does seem unfair, that we are the ones putting in the work and the effort.   Especially in the beginning when the r/s tends to be lopsided anyhow.   I can say I have made some sacrifices to stay with my partner.   I can also say that I have been very careful to not   give up all of myself.   To draw boundaries around where my limits are and exactly how far I will go.  Honestly there have been times where it has been tricky to get my needs met, it has come with a little more arguing then I would have liked but we have made progress with that.   And we continue to make progress.  When I frame things with reassurances around her fears she is able to hear me.   and we can reach agreement.

This is like walking into a different world for the first time.   Much is not what it seems.   It will take some effort, reading and posting for things to start to click.   I remember those moments when I started to see myself in other people's posts and could start to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

Are you and your partner still arguing a lot?

'ducks

[yeeter]

But now my question is if I always am the one putting in the work, do I always have to be the one that sacrifices?

In a nutshell, yes.

You are in a relationship with a person that has a disorder.  I used to say this to myself 5 times:

I have chosen to stay in a relationship with a person that has a mental disorder.

I have chosen to stay in a relationship with a person that has a mental disorder.

I have chosen to stay in a relationship with a person that has a mental disorder.

I have chosen to stay in a relationship with a person that has a mental disorder.

I have chosen to stay in a relationship with a person that has a mental disorder.

It was simply a reminder to myself, that I CHOOSE to stay in the relationship.  Knowing it is not fair.  Knowing it is not what I 'want' it to be.  Knowing its not normal.  But that I have evaluated the pros and cons (a two year plus process for me), and chosen to stay (I have young children which has a lot to do with the decision).

Then a grieving period to let go of all the aspects that I would 'like' in a relationship, but are never really going to happen in the relationship.

Then get my own emotional health back on track (because for sure, there was a period when I WAS ALSO the crazy one - had totally lost my sense of self).  Get healthy (both emotionally and physically). Move forward with strength and make the best of it I know how.

Not the answer we would 'like'.  And just my experience so take it with a grain of salt.

 

[babyducks]

But that I have evaluated the pros and cons (a two year plus process for me), and chosen to stay (I have young children which has a lot to do with the decision).

yeeter raises a very good point.  for me the evaluation period was about a year and a half.   This is a cut and paste from the link below it:

Strength: It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.

Realistic Expectations: A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

from me, in my situation, my partner is diagnosed as both Bipolar 1 and BPD.   She is on medication and has recently graduated from therapy after nine years.   The realistic expectations of what all that means on a daily basis took some processing.   I really had to think through a lot of what if's.    It was also important to understand that the euphoric honeymoon phase we had was over.   Gone.   Trying to re-create that idealization of the perfect partner/perfect romance was never going to work.

Then a grieving period to let go of all the aspects that I would 'like' in a relationship, but are never really going to happen in the relationship.

I too went through a grieving process when I found out that the r/s I thought was so special had several deep flaws running through it.   I can be responsible for my 50% of the flaws,  I am fortunate in that my partner is willing to address her 50% of the flaws.   And it is still a difficult disorder.

'ducks