Why do we feel guilty?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Why do they succeed in making us feel guilty, even though they are the ones blowing up on us? 9 years back after college she left me out of the blue. We were young, I was stupid, I had converted religion for her. And the day her family found out about my existence, she bolted. Yet I am not supposed to complain about it because "you weren't ready to support me then."

5 years back she reappears and tries to force her religion on me again. When I fight back, I am the bad guy. Since then she has blamed me for criticizing her religion, and whenever I try to point out her starting it, she ends topic and screams and leaves, which is what precipitated last weeks' accusations. She goes to Mecca and comes back saying she can't be with an infidel like me and breaks up. Couple of weeks later her daddy finds out about me, and she calls me saying we have to get married day after tomorrow. When I try to calm her down, I am the one who betrayed her trust and used her. 4 years later as of last week, I still hear it. She calls herself religious and practicing, but never shies away from planning sex with me, which is forbidden for her. Yet if it ever happens that I initiate it, I am the pig. She drinks, and blames me saying "I only started drinking for you." Months after breaking up with me, she slaps me for not bringing an engagement ring to her. When I do, she says no and walks back inside home with daddy. She comes every few months and sometimes gets too romantic. When she walks away and I complain she says "I never made any commitment. I am not looking for a relationship with you. I never forced you to have sex with me." Her wedding breaks off and she contacts me, and I am the idiot who replies. She says she wants to be friends, and after all that she has done there is no way I can be friends. Yet I reply to her. When I don't touch her she complains I don't hug her anymore. She wears skimpy clothes and says she does it for me. Then she blames me that she is moving away from religion trying to please me. When I hold her hand and she is in mood she reciprocates, else she says I am disrespecting her. Why can't I stop myself from holding her hand sometimes? What is wrong with me? She cannot call me except when she is driving because no one can know of my existence, then yells at me for not calling her. She yells at me for not talking a lot to her, yet when I am in her presence her eyes barely look at me and she spends 75% of her time texting others and 25% of her time taking selfies everywhere. Last week she accuses me of a horrible crime, and all I feel is guilt because she wanted a 'friend' and I am either too distant, or feel too much in love with her... .guilt that I cannot be the friend she wants. Except she doesn't want a friend. She just needed someone till new prospective husbands come along. She never stays longer than a few months. In June was the first and only time she listened to what I felt over last 10 years and then said sorry, and for last 3 months she has used that against me and in every disagreement I hear "I am done saying sorry. I am done with your drama, your BS. I am not taking any more sh*t from your or my parents. you are toxic to me." Yet at 31 she lives with them, does exactly what they want, and is ever ready to marry within a couple of months of talking to someone. So why do I feel guilty that I am the one who hurt her, that I cannot give what she wants?

[elessar]

Why do they succeed in making us feel guilty, even though they are the ones blowing up on us? 9 years back after college she left me out of the blue. We were young, I was stupid, I had converted religion for her. And the day her family found out about my existence, she bolted. Yet I am not supposed to complain about it because "you weren't ready to support me then."

5 years back she reappears and tries to force her religion on me again. When I fight back, I am the bad guy. Since then she has blamed me for criticizing her religion, and whenever I try to point out her starting it, she ends topic and screams and leaves, which is what precipitated last weeks' accusations. She goes to Mecca and comes back saying she can't be with an infidel like me and breaks up. Couple of weeks later her daddy finds out about me, and she calls me saying we have to get married day after tomorrow. When I try to calm her down, I am the one who betrayed her trust and used her. 4 years later as of last week, I still hear it. She calls herself religious and practicing, but never shies away from planning sex with me, which is forbidden for her. Yet if it ever happens that I initiate it, I am the pig. She drinks, and blames me saying "I only started drinking for you." Months after breaking up with me, she slaps me for not bringing an engagement ring to her. When I do, she says no and walks back inside home with daddy. She comes every few months and sometimes gets too romantic. When she walks away and I complain she says "I never made any commitment. I am not looking for a relationship with you. I never forced you to have sex with me." Her wedding breaks off and she contacts me, and I am the idiot who replies. She says she wants to be friends, and after all that she has done there is no way I can be friends. Yet I reply to her. When I don't touch her she complains I don't hug her anymore. She wears skimpy clothes and says she does it for me. Then she blames me that she is moving away from religion trying to please me. When I hold her hand and she is in mood she reciprocates, else she says I am disrespecting her. Why can't I stop myself from holding her hand sometimes? What is wrong with me? She cannot call me except when she is driving because no one can know of my existence, then yells at me for not calling her. She yells at me for not talking a lot to her, yet when I am in her presence her eyes barely look at me and she spends 75% of her time texting others and 25% of her time taking selfies everywhere. Last week she accuses me of a horrible crime, and all I feel is guilt because she wanted a 'friend' and I am either too distant, or feel too much in love with her... .guilt that I cannot be the friend she wants. Except she doesn't want a friend. She just needed someone till new prospective husbands come along. She never stays longer than a few months. In June was the first and only time she listened to what I felt over last 10 years and then said sorry, and for last 3 months she has used that against me and in every disagreement I hear "I am done saying sorry. I am done with your drama, your BS. I am not taking any more sh*t from your or my parents. you are toxic to me." Yet at 31 she lives with them, does exactly what they want, and is ever ready to marry within a couple of months of talking to someone. So why do I feel guilty that I am the one who hurt her, that I cannot give what she wants?

[Turkish]

I think the cultural aspects of BPDish behaviors are understudied, if they are at all. While not a religious aspect, I dealt with familial enmeshment with my Ex. She was rebellious, but only to a degree. Being an immigrant, she struggled with differentiating herself from her family and culture (which is patriarchical), while being made to feel guilty for trying to be independent. Such a dynamc can lend itself to a person developing a dis-integrated or compartmentalized personality.

I had a friend in high school who was part of a patriarchical Christian sect and family. She also struggled with independence versus her Father's will. My mt her tried to set me up with a woman trying to escape a similar dynamic. I met her for coffee after good conversations on the phone. In person, she was a mess. Visibly shaking and giving one word responses. My mom had already told me that she tried to date a guy outside of her culture, and when her family found out, they forced her to end it (I should have known better... .my BPD mom, too).

Maybe this can help:

TOOLS: Family systems: understanding the Narcissistic Family

Families with BPD members are often dysfunctional and narcissistic, meaning children meet parents' needs instead of the other way around. Understanding how families work as a system helps us see our own roles and gives us tools to change the script. Learn more:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108970.0

[elessar]

Hi Turkish,

These are some excellent points. I certainly believe that my ex's family dynamics, along with her sexual abuse, played the bigger role in her development. Coincidentally, it was this topic that led to our fight last Sunday night, which led to her accusation of non-consensual sex. From one topic to another I told her that she might have a co-dependent relationship with her family, and in such an enmeshed family it is hard for a person to develop own identity. Obviously it wasn't a good idea and I never wanted to start this topic and when I had refused to say something she said "go ahead and say it". Not sure why I fell for that trap again!

Where I am stuck is that - every once in a blue moon she mentions how she still wishes her dad would allow her to marry me. And her family is the type who think talking and texting with a guy for a month or two is enough time to agree to get married. Even when the last one broke down two weeks before wedding, her parents started looking again for her within a few weeks. I can only imagine what must be going through in her head when someone else decides whom to have feelings for, and how long of a grieving period you must have before you must find some one else. When the last one ended in disaster because the marriage was fixed after a few weeks or discussion, one would logically thing they would learn a lesson. Yet last Sunday she was complaining how they are pushing her towards someone, whom she was "seriously considering", after talking for less than 2 months. When she shares these stories, the protector in me comes alive and that's what leads to trouble again and again... .

Thank you once again for you reply!