Sadness that there is nothing you can do

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

After learning more and more about people with BPD I feel more and more sorry for them. Despite everything my ex has said and done I am finding it hard to cope with knowing the things he has to go through. Their perception and feelings and memories make no sense. After months of being broken up and hearing he never cared about me and used me he says "at least you know I love you. You have confirmed all my doubts that you don't."

Im struggling to cope with feeling sad for him that he couldn't help how he was and that there is nothing I or anyone else can do about it. How do you all cope these feelings and thoughts?

[klacey3]

After learning more and more about people with BPD I feel more and more sorry for them. Despite everything my ex has said and done I am finding it hard to cope with knowing the things he has to go through. Their perception and feelings and memories make no sense. After months of being broken up and hearing he never cared about me and used me he says "at least you know I love you. You have confirmed all my doubts that you don't."

Im struggling to cope with feeling sad for him that he couldn't help how he was and that there is nothing I or anyone else can do about it. How do you all cope these feelings and thoughts?

[Tomzxz]

I know how you feel.  The more I learn the more I can relate to my ex and people that suffer from BPD, NPD.  Their life is a living hell and it truly is sad.  Despite the trauma I experienced from my ex I actually still love her deeply, especially knowing what she lives with and why. 

I'm starting to think that since I cant have a relationship with her anymore she can still live on in my heart if I understand everything I can about the disorder.  I guess that's empathy.

[Lifewriter16]

The whole thing is so terrible, terrible tragic klacey3. I feel awfully sad for my BPDxbf. I wish there was something I could do to alleviate his suffering, to show him how much I love him but I know there's nothing except to allow him to live in a place in my heart. Not to consume it or take over, just to live on in a special place dedicated to him. As Tomzxz says:

I'm starting to think that since I can't have a relationship with her anymore she can still live on in my heart

Lifewriter x

[toddinrochester]

Wow, I just had this conversation with a friend. I am incredibly sad for my exwBPD. I can't imagine how painful it must be to either be afraid of someone leaving you and then the extreme opposite and feeling engulfed. It must be tiring and painful and she probably knows that she has it. Thats the worst part. I think it is a horrible way to have to live in constant fear. Its a sad way to live. Then again how I feel after this is not really any better.

[Learning Fast]

Learning and developing objectivity has led me to feel increasingly empathetic and compassionate for the plight of my exuBPDgf (Footnote---I didn't experience and was not subject to some of the more dramatic behaviors that have been posted on this site so perhaps that makes it a bit easier).  Knowing that she rebounded to another so quickly due to the want/need to mask/numb/feed her immense emotional pain is saddening as the cycle will just repeat itself again.

The ultimate tragedy of the disorder is there are treatments/therapies that can help those who struggle yet their denial renders these useless (i.e, if an uBPD individual was diagnosed with diabetes or cancer they would probably readily embark on a treatment plan).  

[toddinrochester]

Fast, same thing with me. I had a quiet borderline. The only thing I was left with was an amazing time and then the pain at the end when it just ended suddenly and without really much warning. Everything was great and then it wasn't. So to me its just that I am left wondering how and why someone can go from wanting to spend their lives with you to suddenly needing to run. From I have never been treated so well to gone. Hurts man, it hurts. I am almost jealous that I can't be angry with her. Just sad and that puts me at a disadvantage in how I think I would handle things with her if she ever (I really am sure she will not contact me) reached out to me down the road.


Need to edit this. There was the push/pull at the end and also walking on eggshells.  But no physical abuse or yelling.

[Michelle27]

I went through the sadness and compassion within the last 5 years of the relationship, after learning about BPD for the first time.  I did everything in my power to support him, help him cope and lost myself in the process.  I began detaching years before I actually left and by the time I left, there was some compassion left, but mostly just a sense of self preservation for me and my kids.  I had already grieved the loss of the imaginary relationship I thought I had and was aware that who/what I fell in love with was myself in the mirroring of the early years.  He wasn't the real person/personality that I thought he was so it was me that had to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't real.  In some ways, that has made it easier.  He is responsible for his own self and any progress/changes/therapy he decides, and I no longer have to feel like my emotional safety is on the line whether he does or doesn't.  I tried the best I could, last a very long time and have no regrets.  I feel bad that he has chosen the path he did, but I won't dwell on that as my own path (and my kids' is more important.

[Learning Fast]

Todd---it's ironic in how many of these stories have similar themes.  In addition to what's been discussed in this thread, my exuBPDgf has very few friends with who she could or would confide in for advice or comfort.  Outside of her immediate family and a few legacy friends (those from childhood, high school, lake summers, etc.) she has few if any friends from about age 30 to her current age of 45.  I'm sure the fact that the disorder becomes more pronounced in someone's late 20s has had a direct impact on friendship formation.  So not only do they suffer greatly but they suffer greatly alone.

[scgator]

Hi Klacey,

Yes I felt that and still do at times. From what I've learned, I don't think I've been replaced and I know I was the only serious relationship she's been in since her husband. It broke my heart to leave her but in the end I had to do what was best for me. Nothing I did or tried to do made any difference with her. For a long time I second guessed everything as a result.

It is a very sad situation, however when there is something beyond my control what can I do? Nothing. When that same situation becomes bad for my health then all I can control is taking care of myself. That's what I've finally done. After the last episode, which I discussed in another thread, I've finally just said how I was feeling - and that, in a nutshell, was that I think we should end all communication.

I'm done being on the hook for poor treatment and I feel better now that I sent my last communication. It was a stressful decision but right now I'm glad I made it. I can feel sad for her situation, but really I don't think she feels anything for how she's made me feel throughout. Now it's time to just take care of me and put the rest behind me.

[myself]

It's frustrating that someone like my ex, who can so quickly see and point out the 'flaws' in others, doesn't face her own in ways that help instead of hurt her. Also, that the whole relationship was supposedly built of such a strong love and connection, but the connection wasn't solid enough and the love was not enough to help overcome the deeper issues like trust. It seems some of the sadness in the wake of these relationships is a feeling of not having control of the final outcome, as well as the emotions of grieving.

[SummerStorm]

What makes me the saddest is that she was diagnosed, promised me that she would get help, made plans to move in with her parents in another state and enter a treatment program, and then just suddenly decided not to.  

One thing I need to constantly remind myself of is that everything she posts on Facebook and Instagram is just a facade.  It is no way close to how she is really feeling because she feels nothing.  She doesn't feel true joy.  The only time she really feels anything is when she feels extreme anger or extreme depression, and even then, she can't really explain why she feels that way.  I once asked her to use a paint palette as a metaphor for how she was feeling.  She said, "It's like there's no paint on it.  It's not white or black or gray.  It's just nothing."  And when she thinks she feels love, it's so overwhelming that it scares her.  

So, I try to throw aside images of her looking happy and looking "normal" because I know she's not.  Instead, I picture her tracing my fingers over the scars on her wrists, but only after it was dark, and not while she was facing me.  I picture her sobbing when I called her beautiful.  I picture her in the psych ward.  I picture myself receiving a text from her that said, "I'm a total waste."  And I picture her frantically trying to find a place to live, every three months or so, but having nowhere to go because she has no one.  She tries to put on a front and say that she doesn't care if she has friends or not, but if that were the case, she wouldn't try so desperately to make friends.  

That being said, I also have to look out for myself.  When she resumed contact with me back in August, I tried to be incredibly caring and comforting, but it eventually all got thrown back in my face.  

[Pretty Woman]

It is ok to be sad for them. It is a very sad disorder that stems from childhood neglect and abuse... .some un-imaginable stuff we could never relate to, awful, awful stuff.

Yet, they CAN get help. When someone continues to emotionally abuse and anihilate others with "0" regard that is unacceptable. When someone who FEARS abandonment abandons you and then waltzes back months later like nothing ever happened... .

something is wrong... .

with US if we accept them back.

As Summer Storm mentions, any contact is usually not good. They find another way just to hurt you all over again. They want to see they have you... .when they NEED you. All you are is supply. You are not any more important TO THEM than anyone else.

That did help me as hard as that is to hear. I was not any more important to her than anyone else. Yet it did help me to de-personalize it. I am not unloveable.

She is unable to love and receive it.

We are all triggers for our BPD ex. Some of us trigger worse than others. We are co-dependents and this is one reason why we were attracted to this relationship in the first place.

It takes two to tango. We both contributed to aspects of our relationship. Again, it's ok to feel bad for them but don't you dare put it all on you. They know how to "behave" and they know what's right and wrong. Mine is high-functioning and can hold down a job. If she acted towards her boss as she has to me she would be unemployed.

Lifewriter says it beautifully. You can feel for them... .in your heart but remember you cannot change or fix them. They need to help themselves and sadly, many of them never do and instead leave a trail of broken people along the way.

[Flameheart]

It's frustrating that someone like my ex, who can so quickly see and point out the 'flaws' in others, doesn't face her own in ways that help instead of hurt her. Also, that the whole relationship was supposedly built of such a strong love and connection, but the connection wasn't solid enough and the love was not enough to help overcome the deeper issues like trust. It seems some of the sadness in the wake of these relationships is a feeling of not having control of the final outcome, as well as the emotions of grieving.

Man, this is so true regarding myself and my ex-girlfriend. I couldn't have put it better myself. It's just tough knowing that the seemingly strong connection we had was actually as fragile as glass.

[klacey3]

It is ok to be sad for them. It is a very sad disorder that stems from childhood neglect and abuse... .some un-imaginable stuff we could never relate to, awful, awful stuff.

Yet, they CAN get help. When someone continues to emotionally abuse and anihilate others with "0" regard that is unacceptable. When someone who FEARS abandonment abandons you and then waltzes back months later like nothing ever happened... .

something is wrong... .

with US if we accept them back.

As Summer Storm mentions, any contact is usually not good. They find another way just to hurt you all over again. They want to see they have you... .when they NEED you. All you are is supply. You are not any more important TO THEM than anyone else.

That did help me as hard as that is to hear. I was not any more important to her than anyone else. Yet it did help me to de-personalize it. I am not unloveable.

She is unable to love and receive it.

We are all triggers for our BPD ex. Some of us trigger worse than others. We are co-dependents and this is one reason why we were attracted to this relationship in the first place.

It takes two to tango. We both contributed to aspects of our relationship. Again, it's ok to feel bad for them but don't you dare put it all on you. They know how to "behave" and they know what's right and wrong. Mine is high-functioning and can hold down a job. If she acted towards her boss as she has to me she would be unemployed.

Lifewriter says it beautifully. You can feel for them... .in your heart but remember you cannot change or fix them. They need to help themselves and sadly, many of them never do and instead leave a trail of broken people along the way.

Oh yeah you're right, they never loved or cared about us. I feel less sad for my ex now.

[Pretty Woman]

Klacy,

 They love but the way a 3yr does. It's very superficial and need driven. It's not deep.

When my ex left me she told me she was in love with this new woman... .two weeks after meeting her. Told me she was the "deepest" person she's ever met.

Gee, thanks. .

We NEVER had a deep conversation and I have deep conversations a lot with friends and family. Even her ex before me... .who I am friends with said the same thing. Their relationship was very sex driven but not at all deep. Far from it... .

Our relationship was very shallow. I am NOT shallow. I started to realize the longer she is away from me the better off I am. I am not sure what happened to me. That woman was NOT who I am deep down. I have bad days. I won't lie. She is with the other woman now out East on vacation. I am angry and hurt because she dumped me before a huge vacation that set me back financially yet is off on a new adventure with someone else.

The only comfort I have is knowing this too will fail. She has so many broken relationships I know in my heart this will be another.

I cried yesterday because I miss calling her and doing things... .I miss the person I "thought" she was. Yet deep down I know there are two sides. I too soon forget her spitting in my face and thretening a restraining order on me... .

and coming back AFTER all that.

And I taking her back.

She bullied me and then her sister started to bully and threaten me at work.

She beat me down so much emotionally that is what a lot of us are dealing with. THAT residual. We were very conditioned. Even when they continue the silent treatment while with their new "victim"... .it's a form of conditioning.

This "radical acceptance" shyt is hard but I'm trying.

Again, they can love and I was wrong in saying they can't... .it's just not mature. It's not adult. Nor is it healthy and we deserve better than sick, demented "" love.

[SummerStorm]

Klacy,

 They love but the way a 3yr does. It's very superficial and need driven. It's not deep.

I definitely agree with you here, Pretty Woman.  It's not the kind of love that we need or deserve, but it's love.  If my former friend's suicide attempt in June would have been successful, the last text I ever would have gotten from her would have been, "I'm so sorry.  I love you."  And not once has she ever said, "SummerStorm, I hate you."  She's been tired of me, she's told me she wants me out of her life, she's called me crazy, but she's never once said she hates me. 

[Pretty Woman]

Mine has never said she hated me either. She's said I was harmful to her and toxic, she's said she never wants me to contact her again... .

Each time she's approached me.

This time she said she always wants to be friends with me yet never reached out again. This is likely due to all our friends defecting from her, something I never asked them to do, they just couldn't believe I was replaced like that.

That's one thing I will say I am shocked by. How many people have rallied around me over her. She attempted to shove this new person in my face by bringing her immediately into our social circle. Funny thing is this: it was my social circle. I plan about 90% of the get togethers. She's never reached out to any of these people before our break up.

I know it's awful. I still wonder if she will ever contact me. I know this is crazy and not healthy, and her true character is her actions. Still, I wonder. I guess that's normal.

[Learning Fast]

SS---a toddler or child's love indeed.  As with you I never heard "I hate you" or anything close.  Many "Leave me alone" or "I can't do this anymore" accompanied by ST.  Becoming educated about the disorder helped me realize that she could only love someone else in proportion to how she loves herself.  And she doesn't remotely love herself hence a very shallow love with no breadth... .driven by need and want... .not caring or intimacy.  It's heartbreaking as she had so many other desirable attributes.