Do I tell her new partner the truth?

[lunchbox123]

SUMMARY A THE BOTTOM!

Hi Everyone, I'm new to the forum.

Was in a relationship with an uBPD for two years, following the traditional BPD relationship to a T (prince in shining armour, unbelievable sex, hoping things will be good again etc.). I believed she was my soul mate, we had created a dream for our lives together for what we wanted in the future. It was a toxic relationship but I thought this was it for life and it HAD to work, luckily a series of events changed that and I realised a relationship is a choice. I couldn't handle walking on eggshells anymore and finally worked up the willpower to break it off a year ago. To keep the post kinda short I won't go into every detail.

At the time I only had suspicions she had BPD, I just knew our relationship wasn't working and it was killing me slowly.

After I broke it off I spent about 7 months travelling on an off, we were still exclusive during this time and having sex whenever I was back home. Whenever we would get into a fight I would leave. She says this was the worst time of her life, she was depressed and very very lonely. We had a rental apartment and dog together and I was still paying for most of it and she was looking for a new place to stay.

Earlier this year she found a place and we moved out. April of this year I came "home" so to speak and was ready to give it another shot, taking it slow and just dating. I still believed her to be the love of my life and I had experienced a lot during my travels which made me believed I could improve on my faults in the relationship(She convinced me to look at my faults, not hers). Two weeks later she tells me she's found someone else. I felt and still feel it's GIGS. Went into NC right away but lasted only a few days until I realised I can't let her go. Desperation and pleading ensued for months.

Ever since then we've had a lot of contact, often daily and occasionally in person concerning our dog or just to see each other. She wanted to be with me but constantly has excuses to not break up with the new guy. Things like that she's scared to hurt him, scared to repeat what we've had in the past, scared I'll abandon her and scared for the social repercussions. She is very indecisive and yes, I realise I have allowed myself to be treated as a doormat, but for the longest time I had high hopes for it to work out. Like we were on the verge of being together again.

She has recognised that she has an illness and is seeing a therapist. Recently she's even recognised that even though we hope to achieve our dreams together, she can't be with me now while she is in recovery. Not the typical BPD behaviour.

I am happy she has someone to take care of her. I know when she has her fits and thinks a small issue will cause the world to end she sees suicide as a real option. Bi-Polar runs in her family and has cost the lives of 3 of her direct relatives. Also, as I can't be with her during recovery and I'm trying my best to convince myself I don't actually want to be with her.

I was in a short 2.5 month relationship since our breakup but that ultimately failed because I'm still in love with my ex.

My dilemma is that I feel bad for this guy, I have detached somewhat now but during the times there were high hopes we met up and had sex numerous times. I am very against infidelity but it just happend. We started when they were together for a month but they hadn't had sex yet. We stopped when I began that relationship, only then did she started having sex with her new partner. Once my relationship ended we started having sex again and she had an excuse to not have sex with her partner for weeks. We stopped three weeks ago when I told her I'm not going to do this anymore. Incidentally he found a condom wrapper from the last time we had sex but she was able to manipulate him into believing it was old.

This breakup has caused me a lot of pain, I've read a lot about recovery from a BPD relationship and on the whole I'm doing ok. I feel lonely and empty inside but I believe it's for the best.

My question is, do I tell the guy she's been cheating and that he should do his best to get out? Not out of spite, but for two reasons.

1. To stop letting her get away with the lying. She's playing this fake fairytale life which is letting her escape and forget her problems rather than dealing with them.

2. She's dragging him down with her. He's fully invested in the relationship and has no idea what's happening. She says he's very submissive and she enjoys the dominance but he doesn't deserve this.

I know many people will say to just let go, but it's all I think about all day. I reached out to a therapist and I'm hoping to start that soon.


TL:)R: Had sex with exuBPD many times while she was in a new relationship, do I tell the new guy?

[Hidden Dragon]

Are you now going to tell all her future guys? My advice: Let the universe take over, let it go. Take care about yourself, stop thinking about this. If you cant otherwise then do some minor warning and again: take care about yourself.

I would only warn a good friend. Others will probably take is as a (silly) revenge, especially in the first phase. You will get one more foe (him)+ when it fails, you will be accussed for this failure (by her, all will be your fault again).

[lunchbox123]

Are you now going to tell all her future guys? My advice: Let the universe take over, let it go. Take care about yourself, stop thinking about this. If you cant otherwise then do some minor warning and again: take care about yourself.

I would only warn a good friend. Others will probably take is as a (silly) revenge, especially in the first phase. You will get one more foe (him)+ when it fails, you will be accussed for this failure (by her, all will be your fault again).

What do you mean all her future guys? I want to let him know that she cheated on him and has been manipulating from the beginning. To warn him that whatever trouble they're having, solving that one thing isn't gonna make everything ok, there will always be something wrong.

I've thought about emailing him and tell him if he's interested in knowing the truth then he should reach out, if not then I wish him the best of luck and to take good care of her.

[Hidden Dragon]

He is probably not the first and not the last one she will cheat on, you cant save the world.

But if u feel u must do it, then go on, espiecially it free you from her.

But remember HE will be (maybe) saved, but next one will get in trouble.  Will you still bother to save the next one? Live your life.

[balletomane]

I think Hidden Dragon was asking if you would do this for everyone she dates in future. If cheating is part of her pattern, then it's very likely that she will cheat on others too - are you going to contact them all and warn them? That's obviously not practical, and it isn't your place to do it. People have a right to make their own mistakes and we can't fix everything for them. To be honest, I think there is a possibility here that you want to stay involved in your ex's life in some capacity, even if only by rescuing her future partners from pain. You have to move on otherwise you are going to keep hurting. it's highly unlikely the new partner would even believe you - you'll just be cast as the bitter envious ex. Put it this way, would you have been likely to believe stories from your gf's exes when you were in the honeymoon period? The only time when I think contacting an ex's new partner would be justified is if the ex is abusive and the new partner's safety is at risk. Otherwise, move on.

[lunchbox123]

I think Hidden Dragon was asking if you would do this for everyone she dates in future. If cheating is part of her pattern, then it's very likely that she will cheat on others too - are you going to contact them all and warn them? That's obviously not practical, and it isn't your place to do it. People have a right to make their own mistakes and we can't fix everything for them. To be honest, I think there is a possibility here that you want to stay involved in your ex's life in some capacity, even if only by rescuing her future partners from pain. You have to move on otherwise you are going to keep hurting. it's highly unlikely the new partner would even believe you - you'll just be cast as the bitter envious ex. Put it this way, would you have been likely to believe stories from your gf's exes when you were in the honeymoon period? The only time when I think contacting an ex's new partner would be justified is if the ex is abusive and the new partner's safety is at risk. Otherwise, move on.

I appreciate your reply.

I don't believe she's cheated before, I don't think it's a pattern. She justified what we did as it being for a greater cause. I believe that she sees what she has with him as temporary and one day she'll be with me again. However, something I read on this forum before does stick in my mind... ."If she can cheat with you, she can cheat on you."

I think I could formulate it in such a way that I don't seem like the crazy ex telling lies, I have enough proof that I could avoid that. However, I am less sure that I wouldn't be seen as trying to wreck their relationship. I've talked to my exuBPD before that she should tell him or I will, and she's said that if I ever did she would hate me forever. He has come close to finding out twice now, once with the wrapper and another time he overheard or phone call.

In any case, I think you guys may be right to not do it, it wouldn't facilitate my progress and would only bring her back into my life. Although, I don't believe my motivation to do it would be to keep control. I think it's more to give him a chance to end it.

What are people's thoughts on letting BPDs live a lie/fake fairytale? From what I understand it's quite rare for BPDs to actually seek help, could this be slowing her progress? Should I even be concerned with that?

[Mr Hollande]

Hidden Dragon said it very well. Let the universe take care of it.

You might hear about your replacement's spectacular nose dive one day and you'll know what it's about because it happened to you too. It'll be his problem, not yours. Focus on yourself.

[JohnnyShoes]

No. Mind YOUR... .I repeat... YOUR business.

And your business is to be the best of a person you can be.

I agree, let the universe take it.

Just move on.

Even if you DO do it, chances are you'll look like the wacky one who's looking to just get even with her bla bla bla

Just let. It... .Go

[RedDove]

  Lunchbox, I can relate to and understand your situation. I'm going through something very similiar. The only difference is that my exBPDbf lied to me for a year about his relationship status and where he was living.

You can read my prior post "Met with exBPDbf's best friend and now I know everything" for details. Basically I had 4 year encounter with my exBPDbf. I suspected he was lying, cheating AND something was VERY wrong with him. But, I could never prove it or put my finger on what it was. When I ended it with him in June, 2014 due ro lies and cheating I went no contact. At the time he revealed he was unstable, borderline and an alcoholic (of course I knew that!)

In Sept 2014 he found me on the POF dating site. I tried to build a friendship. But, we recycled, he began love bombing me and we started having sex again in April, 2015. The entire time he had me believing he was living in his trailer in his sisters backyard. Which is where we always hung out in the past. I asked him in April if he was daring or seeing anyone, he looked me straight in the face and said "No, I'm NOT. he also said he was in counseling.

His best friend John reached out on FB in August. He asked me questions about exBPDbf. I was cautious at first. But, I then felt comfortable to tell him I had been involved with my exBPDbf and we were sleeping together. John then revealed my exBPDbf has been in a relationship with my replacement for a year AND he's LIVING with her! You can imagine just how hurt and upset I was to find out the truth. I never would have gotten physically involved with him if I had known the truth!

My first gut and angry reaction was to tell the girlfriend exBPDbf is living with that he's been deceiving and cheating on her. She likely has no clue and also thinks she's living in a fairy tale. I realized through input and advice that in essence my exBPDbf made me the OW (other woman)! He also likely told her I'm crazy, unstable, or a stalker ex. If I reach out to her, it would only make me look the part.

It's hard to let it go. Believe me, I have times when I pick up my phone to text. I have her cell #... .long story, but my exBPDbf left a paper laying on the table one night with both of our names and numbers on it. I just didn't know at the time. It's hard to know the truth, want to tell it, and not be able to do so! It would also cause backlash and retaliation for me. John already confronted exBPDbf that he knows the truth. My exBPDbf used him as an alibi to me dozens of times!

I have to sit as the silent observer and perhaps hear through the grapevine when my exBPDbf's encounter with the current woman blows up. I know it will, he can't hold up his mask and hide his BPD forever. She saw some signs on FB and had already kicked him out back in July. BUT, he manipulated his way back in with guilt. All we can do is hope for Karma. We can't save the others, we can only save ourselves.

[Suspicious1]

I once told my ex husband's gf about his abuse of me. It wasn't so she could dump him, it was because I had information that he could potentially be dangerous, and I was reaching out. Guess what? She didn't thank me for it, any more than I'd have thanked his ex when I was the new gf and in "the zone". Of course it was seen as evidence of my spite, my mental instability, my unreasonableness. It just bonded them further together and allowed him to do whatever he wanted in retaliation.

The thing is, no matter how well meaning your intentions, it always looks like spite. Usually, it IS driven by spite, so its understandable why it looks that way. And what business is it of yours? She may have betrayed him, but she did it with you - you are as in the wrong as she is in this situation and he is likely to be angry with you both. If you're now concerned enough about his welfare to warn him, where was that concern when you were sleeping with his girlfriend? So I don't think he'll take this in the spirit you want him to, and will assume you're trying to cause trouble.

I agree with the others in that it's probably better to keep out of her relationships and let her and her partners take care of themselves. Maybe it will all come crashing down for them, but then again maybe it won't. It's not a great idea to influence that, one way or the other.

[Mr Hollande]

What are people's thoughts on letting BPDs live a lie/fake fairytale? From what I understand it's quite rare for BPDs to actually seek help, could this be slowing her progress? Should I even be concerned with that?

My thoughts are to let her live however she chooses. Good or bad it's up to her and to an extent whichever poor soul chooses to be with her in the future. If you try and meddle you will be painted black by her and she'll demonise you to the point where he believes you are the devil incarnate. You haven't a hope of reaching either of them.

You are concerned and that's understandable. Who am I or anyone else to say you shouldn't be, but take it from us who are a bit further down the path than you, you'll reap no reward for interfering at this moment.

What Hidden Dragon said was so beautiful it's worth repeating - Let the universe take care of it!

[lunchbox123]

Thanks everyone for the great replies, it's nice to know there are people who have been with similar people. It's always been impossible to explain to people how such a seemingly sweet and caring person could be so destructive and emotionally abusive in a relationship.

I'll never understand how she could let me go, how she could give up on our dreams. I'm a pretty easy going and forgiving person, all she had to do was treat me well and be there for me and she could have had the world. Only thing I can do now is as you guys are saying, let the universe take over and focus on my own path to those dreams.

[Suspicious1]

I'll never understand how she could let me go, how she could give up on our dreams. I'm a pretty easy going and forgiving person, all she had to do was treat me well and be there for me and she could have had the world. Only thing I can do now is as you guys are saying, let the universe take over and focus on my own path to those dreams.

I really feel for you, it's agony. These relationships feel like everything that is sweet and good, and they are hell when you have to walk away from them. They seem so flawless in the beginning, and then you get all that intermittent reinforcement to make you truly hooked. No wonder these relationships always feel impossible to move past. Focus on you, focus on your needs, and things will slowly slowly start to feel better.

[lunchbox123]

I really feel for you, it's agony. These relationships feel like everything that is sweet and good, and they are hell when you have to walk away from them. They seem so flawless in the beginning, and then you get all that intermittent reinforcement to make you truly hooked. No wonder these relationships always feel impossible to move past. Focus on you, focus on your needs, and things will slowly slowly start to feel better.

It's unfortunate that when I initially broke up with her last year I was fine. I had suffered the pain of our relationship and it made me able to just let go.

Since then letting het back in my life earlier this year and becoming attached to her again and it's made things so much more difficult. I wish I knew then what I know now. Something about hindsight...

[Suspicious1]

That might be because of the effect of intermittent reinforcement, maybe? It bonded you closer than you had been before, and therefore it's more hurtful to detach. Just an idea.

[problemsolver]

Let it be... Nothing good can come from it... Been there done that... It will only make you look worse were in L3 to detach NC... And move forward.

[Mr Hollande]

I know exactly how that feels, Lunchbox. You give your heart, soul and body at considerable personal toll only to be thrown out like a worn down piece of furniture that's become an embarrassment in the new home they're setting up with someone else. It's cruel beyond words.

[Mutt]

Hi lunchbox123,



I haven't read all of the previous comments, BPD is a persecution complex and a person with BPD ( pwBPD ) believe that their problems are the results from other people's actions.

If she's in a new committed relationship, it helps to understand the dynamics when there are three people in the picture, she'll likely cast you in the role of persecutor and herself in the role of victim and the new guy as rescuer.



Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

[lunchbox123]

Wow, I just found out she had sex with someone a month after we broke up last year. She said she never did, promised there had never been anyone else since we started dating the first time.

I don't know if I should feel angry or relieved.

[Mr Hollande]

Wow, I just found out she had sex with someone a month after we broke up last year. She said she never did, promised there had never been anyone else since we started dating the first time.

I don't know if I should feel angry or relieved.

Both!

This is the reason I never made any investigations when I broke up with mine. The symptoms of the disorder dictate that there is an endless stream of sordidness and deceit from our time together. That I was sure of but I decided to not torture myself with hearing about them so I closed the door on that toxic mess and left it to fester with me out of harms way.

There is a good chance you'll discover more as you go along. My question is do you need to? Do you think you will benefit by knowing more or will it cause unnecessary suffering? Would it be enough to know what you already know and that there's probably more and leave it at that?

I'm not telling you what to do. Whatever you do is up to you. It's all a learning curve.

[SummerStorm]

My former friend's ex and I have talked about telling her new boyfriend about her, but what good would it do?  He wouldn't believe us.  Also, it's not like either one of us got a warning.

[scarletviolet]

what do you guys think of this that i found?

i think its hard to recognise manipulation as a form of abuse but i think we Nons all suffer a bit from Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm Syndrome produces an unhealthy bond with the controller and abuser. It is the reason many victims continue to support an abuser after the relationship is over. It’s also the reason they continue to see “the good side” of an abusive individual and appear sympathetic to someone who has mentally and sometimes physically abused them.

thoughts?

[lunchbox123]

Both!

This is the reason I never made any investigations when I broke up with mine. The symptoms of the disorder dictate that there is an endless stream of sordidness and deceit from our time together. That I was sure of but I decided to not torture myself with hearing about them so I closed the door on that toxic mess and left it to fester with me out of harms way.

There is a good chance you'll discover more as you go along. My question is do you need to? Do you think you will benefit by knowing more or will it cause unnecessary suffering? Would it be enough to know what you already know and that there's probably more and leave it at that?

I'm not telling you what to do. Whatever you do is up to you. It's all a learning curve.

Well I woke up this morning and decided I need to confront her about it (having sex with someone while we were apart). I called her and no surprise she was only interested in knowing who told me and beating around the bush. Kept asking her if it's true but she either denied it or didn't answer.

Last night I was reading back the messages we had sent when we were still together. Such a different person back then, it's no surprise I felt so in love.

Sometimes I wonder if she's BPD or instead she's bipolar. She displays most of the symptoms of BPD but I often feel like she doesn't do it on purpose. There isn't the anger and hate that I see from a lot of other posts here. She causes the same amount of pain but I feel like she doesn't do it on purpose and is just so jumbled up in her head with emotions.

She's in therapy right now and hasn't gotten a diagnosis yet but I dunno, do you guys think it changes things if it ends up being bipolar? She has three know and diagnosed family members with it, all of whom have committed suicide. You'd think this family would be all over getting medical aid from an early age but no, I'm the first one to ever bring it up...

[Fr4nz]

Both!

This is the reason I never made any investigations when I broke up with mine. The symptoms of the disorder dictate that there is an endless stream of sordidness and deceit from our time together. That I was sure of but I decided to not torture myself with hearing about them so I closed the door on that toxic mess and left it to fester with me out of harms way.

There is a good chance you'll discover more as you go along. My question is do you need to? Do you think you will benefit by knowing more or will it cause unnecessary suffering? Would it be enough to know what you already know and that there's probably more and leave it at that?

I'm not telling you what to do. Whatever you do is up to you. It's all a learning curve.

Well I woke up this morning and decided I need to confront her about it (having sex with someone while we were apart). I called her and no surprise she was only interested in knowing who told me and beating around the bush. Kept asking her if it's true but she either denied it or didn't answer.

Last night I was reading back the messages we had sent when we were still together. Such a different person back then, it's no surprise I felt so in love.

Sometimes I wonder if she's BPD or instead she's bipolar. She displays most of the symptoms of BPD but I often feel like she doesn't do it on purpose. There isn't the anger and hate that I see from a lot of other posts here. She causes the same amount of pain but I feel like she doesn't do it on purpose and is just so jumbled up in her head with emotions.

She's in therapy right now and hasn't gotten a diagnosis yet but I dunno, do you guys think it changes things if it ends up being bipolar? She has three know and diagnosed family members with it, all of whom have committed suicide. You'd think this family would be all over getting medical aid from an early age but no, I'm the first one to ever bring it up...

Often, BPD and Bipolar disorder are confused because of their periodic mood changes... .bipolars have long periods (weeks) of depression/happiness, while BPDs are much quicker, since they may change in a matter of minutes/hours/days.

[Mr Hollande]

what do you guys think of this that i found?

i think its hard to recognise manipulation as a form of abuse but i think we Nons all suffer a bit from Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm Syndrome produces an unhealthy bond with the controller and abuser. It is the reason many victims continue to support an abuser after the relationship is over. It’s also the reason they continue to see “the good side” of an abusive individual and appear sympathetic to someone who has mentally and sometimes physically abused them.

thoughts?

Welcome to the board, Scarletviolet. Have a look at this and see what you think.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

[Suspicious1]

Well, I'm on the bipolar spectrum (I have very mild, doesn't-need-to-be-medicated bipolar II with rapid cycling), and often bipolar can be confused with BPD (especially if the cycling is rapid, like mine is). Like everyone else on here, I've questioned whether I have BPD, but having been "analysed" that wasn't suggested, and I don't meet many of the criteria.

Anyway, where I was going with this was, having bipolar might make you switch moods / beliefs / emotions and result in confusion not just for the people around you, but for yourself as well, but what it doesn't do is make you a liar. If I'd split up with someone, there's a fair chance in my younger days that I'd have had sex with someone else a month after that, but frankly I'd think that was fair enough and that I'd have been totally within my rights, and I wouldn't lie about it. Generally, I don't lie about stuff (in fact my honesty has been held against me in the past - apparently it makes people suspicious of me. Can't win... .) because I have the courage of my convictions and I don't do anything I don't truly believe is ok, no matter how muddled up or baffling to others that might be.

So sure, she might be bipolar, but lying isn't part of that. "Jumbled with emotions" is often how it feels - I get that when I'm in a depressive episode, or "crashing" as I call it, but for me it's pretty brief. Brief, but severe. I can only speak for myself, but my psychologist said "when is something a 'disorder' and when is it just part of your character? Can you embrace the fluctuations in your mood and somehow enjoy them?". Yes, I could have taken lithium to balance my moods, but they don't affect my functioning that frequently. They might piss some people off, but I'm always going to piss some people off. I'm not medicating against that. And the highs are brilliant - I've started several successful companies and written published books and poems when I've been hypnomanic, and my house is so CLEAN in those periods. It feels like there are 25 hours in the day. The downside is that now and again (because in between the crashes and the highs I'm just regular and stable, and I'm like that 90% of the time) I crash into these severe, violent depressions. If I could take a pill in those moments to stop it, I would, but I can't. Well, except for valium to stop me self-harming, but I don't like to take too much of that.

Anyway, I suppose what I'm saying is that if she has either BPD or bipolar, it's hard to define someone purely by their condition, and neither of those things make people lie. Fear can make people lie, so can shame, guilt or a few other disorders. I guess what you have to ask yourself is whether you want to live with her fluctuations, because either way she probably doesn't like the downsides much either, but its part of the package.

[Suspicious1]

(post deleted. Duplicated it by mistake)