If you knew what you knew now

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi family:

We all; most, were the ones that seriously knew that something was amiss in our relationships with our Bp's... .In my case, I had taken my loved one to the "T" to see if we could improve our relationship. We were planning on marring and I needed permanency in our relationship to feel secure. She was my little runaway, and having been divorced, I wasn't going into another marriage with out knowing that someone had a predisposition of leaving before we even started.

Long story short, she was diagnosed with Bp during our counseling sessions after taking several tests, questionnaires and hours of sessions... .from that point forward I became educated on Bpds and who was I dating.

I bought the books, I read them, offered to pay for DPT, read the articles and even shared some of my postings here on this site with her... .

When I became educated on this illness I knew in my heart that I should enjoy these moments in time because they will end with heartbreak. So sad! The one I loved the most in my life was going to betray me! I knew there was going to be a day that I was to be severed my walking papers. She did.

My question: 

Knowing what you know now, would you try help the BP's be the best they can be with the caveat that someone else could possibly get your loved one in a better state of mind then when they left you?

[Should I stay or...]

Hi family:

We all; most, were the ones that seriously knew that something was amiss in our relationships with our Bp's... .In my case, I had taken my loved one to the "T" to see if we could improve our relationship. We were planning on marring and I needed permanency in our relationship to feel secure. She was my little runaway, and having been divorced, I wasn't going into another marriage with out knowing that someone had a predisposition of leaving before we even started.

Long story short, she was diagnosed with Bp during our counseling sessions after taking several tests, questionnaires and hours of sessions... .from that point forward I became educated on Bpds and who was I dating.

I bought the books, I read them, offered to pay for DPT, read the articles and even shared some of my postings here on this site with her... .

When I became educated on this illness I knew in my heart that I should enjoy these moments in time because they will end with heartbreak. So sad! The one I loved the most in my life was going to betray me! I knew there was going to be a day that I was to be severed my walking papers. She did.

My question: 

Knowing what you know now, would you try help the BP's be the best they can be with the caveat that someone else could possibly get your loved one in a better state of mind then when they left you?

[hopealways]

Knowing what I know now I would have never taken my BPDx as seriously as I did and, in short, I would have not been in a relationship with her.  True I have learned A LOT from this relationship, but the non cannot help the BPD, they must actively help themselves, which is precisely why they rarely if at all get better. How many BPDs do you know who searched for a great therapist, went to all their sessions, paid for it themselves, and did their therapy work at home also? I don't know any.  And that is the level of commitment they need to succeed.  All we can do is encourage them and be supportive while THEY commit to getting better.  Either way, no thanks, no more BPD for me.

[problemsolver]

Like the poster above... at the end of the day you can't save anyone... you can't force anyone to work out or get a job or go to therapy... .all that is within... again like above post if I knew about BPD I wouldn't of believed half of the nice things she told me, I wouldn't of moved closer to her or made real life commitment... ultimately I would of attempted to keep it purely sexual (as harsh as that may sound because she is a person with a real heart. .) but that's just how I see it , I wouldn't of thought we could "be something" long term

[rlhmm]

i agree with what is written above... .i would never have entered a relationship with that person at all. too toxic.

[Mutt]

My question:  

Knowing what you know now, would you try help the BP's be the best they can be with the caveat that someone else could possibly get your loved one in a better state of mind then when they left you?

I'd like to start by saying that my ex and my marriage thought me a lot of things. It's not to say that my experience is the same as anybody else here. I say this for myself when I say this; she has an emotional based disorder, she can't regulate her emotions and self sooth and she has borderline rages. That said.

To answer your question, I don't think that I would have spent so much time trying to get her to see things my way. She has a right to her opinion and her point of view, and so do I. I took everything personal.

I had to go through the experience to learn my lesson.

" I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations and you're not in this world to live up to mine." - Bruce Lee

[FannyB]

Second time around I knew (in my mind anyway) that she had BPD and that our relationship wouldn't endure. I did my best to gently encourage her to see that most of her issues were linked to her childhood and that whilst how she felt wasn't her fault, she could still take positive steps to feel better. At times she saw this but it made no difference in the end. My interest in her at this point was not selfish - I just wanted her happy and healthy for her sake, not mine.

Fanny

[Should I stay or...]

... knowing what I know, from my own experience of being in love with a diagnosed Bp and from my learned knowledge of this illness... .I would answer my own posed question in this descending order... .Help me to help them so they can help themselves, with the help of God.

I believe we are all on this site to share and educate our friends with the knowledge of our own experiences and the materials necessary to protect to one another from them and from ourselves. We all have voluntarily entered into these relationships; once, possibly twice, and ultimately it's our own ownership of the relationship that will help us move on.

We loved greatly, got hurt, want more love, knowing there will be more hurt in the end, right? Makes sense to whom? Would we teach our kids to follow our lead? Would we teach another that the high is so good but fleeting; like a drug, so do it? No! So, why do we want more? It's never like the first hit.

Help me to help me... please help me.

[LostGhost]

... knowing what I know, from my own experience of being in love with a diagnosed Bp and from my learned knowledge of this illness... .I would answer my own posed question in this descending order... .Help me to help them so they can help themselves, with the help of God.

I believe we are all on this site to share and educate our friends with the knowledge of our own experiences and the materials necessary to protect to one another from them and from ourselves. We all have voluntarily entered into these relationships; once, possibly twice, and ultimately it's our own ownership of the relationship that will help us move on.

We loved greatly, got hurt, want more love, knowing there will be more hurt in the end, right? Makes sense to whom? Would we teach our kids to follow our lead? Would we teach another that the high is so good but fleeting; like a drug, so do it? No! So, why do we want more? It's never like the first hit.

Help me to help me... please help me.

Should I... . it's been a long time since we spoke! I don't know if you remember me but you helped me out with my relationship situation last summer. Through your advice I did eventually end up in a relationship again with my exgfwBPD. We lasted 11 months this time around. It was a great beginning, a troubled middle and a catastrophic end.

I'm very sorry to hear your relationship didn't work out either. I remember it sounded so promising back then and I was crossing my fingers for the both of us. I know we both tried our best in our relationships. I don't think there's anything more I could have given of myself. I'm still hoping for a third go around, I don't even know why. It's unhealthy and I should detach once and for all.

I hope one day I can let go... .let go and be free. I want to be able to remember her and the time we spent together fondly, but I want my life back. I hope apart from the usual pain of recovery that your life is going well my friend.

[purekalm]

Absolutely not.

Because truly, no one can get helped unless they seek it for themselves. No matter how many times anyone has said anything to my dad about alcohol, or my mom about cigarettes, as two examples, and knowing and dealing with the health issues associated with them... .Unless they recognize THEMSELVES they have an issue, no intervention on anyone's part is going to change anything. You can stay healthily detached and offer advice, but it will be up to that person to decide.

So no, I absolutely would not.

[Stolen]

Echoing much of the above, I now know you can't help those who refuse to help themselves. Not just BPD, I have seen this same dynamic recently with friends whose children have fallen victim to the new wave of Heroin addiction - like the  damage a BPD wields, these cases just "don't make sense" - comfortable lives, supportive families, good educations.  But still the destructive behavior that only they can save themselves from... .

And my experience?  I tried harder to help her than any effort I put forth in my life prior. I just wanted her to be happy and enjoy all the good around us.  None of it worked. Ever.  I should have known from her mantra regarding her deeply disordered FOO - "never tell a crazy person they are crazy".  And how telling that was - even after reading the books, speaking to the therapists, all that knowledge and effort was useless.  Any inference that there was a "problem" with her was taken as a personal affront to her soul - hence the need to tiptoe off on those eggshells.

But my biggest regret was not trying to help her.  My biggest regret was having two children with her who will now get to experience their own little private versions of Hell.  I am so sorry for that.

[toddinrochester]

Stolen, I read posts like yours and I don't want this to come across the wrong way but, I feel like I have gotten off easy in all of this. But yet over a month later I am still hurting. The pain has been numbed with time and I know that there is a bend coming up soon that will take me into out of site out of mind. But I read your post and I am thankful. I was a whirlwind and it was over. I am sorry for your kids. I am sorry for anyone that had a spouse with BPD. But mostly those people that have the entanglement the rest of their lives. I will keep everyone on this board in my prayers. That we all heal and that we are able to make sense somehow of this mess called BPD.

[Should I stay or...]

Hey LG,

Of course I remember you, you were a good buddy. I jumped back onto the site last month after my runaway had run once again. I looked through the site for familiar names to catch up knowing their back stories. I came across your post and read through it wanting to know how you were. As I read through your posting my heart sank for you, I'm so sorry. I had wished the best for you.

I was 4 recycles ahead of you the last time we spoke, at that time, i wishing for another recycle and you, were hoping for your first. I did get my wish last year and left the site until now, But before I did I was reaching out to you with encouragement that you too will have another go around, actually, some of my reply's to you were coming directly from my runaway's mouth... .we were deliriously happy once again and wanting you to have a dish of the same.

And here we are again in the same situation, alone again naturally! We are all kindred spirits here, the stories are the same but the name s have been changed to protect the innocent.... .I think that's from an old TV series?

How are you doing now? How would you answer this posted question?

All the best,

Should

[Should I stay or...]

PS  I'm starting to catch up on some of your stories too from the friends that have replied to this post... .We are here to help one another!

Here's some encouragement today from John Lennon... .Turn this up, loud!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zekIGdWdOp0

[LostGhost]

Hey LG,

Of course I remember you, you were a good buddy. I jumped back onto the site last month after my runaway had run once again. I looked through the site for familiar names to catch up knowing their back stories. I came across your post and read through it wanting to know how you were. As I read through your posting my heart sank for you, I'm so sorry. I had wished the best for you.

I was 4 recycles ahead of you the last time we spoke, at that time, i wishing for another recycle and you, were hoping for your first. I did get my wish last year and left the site until now, But before I did I was reaching out to you with encouragement that you too will have another go around, actually, some of my reply's to you were coming directly from my runaway's mouth... .we were deliriously happy once again and wanting you to have a dish of the same.

And here we are again in the same situation, alone again naturally! We are all kindred spirits here, the stories are the same but the name s have been changed to protect the innocent.... .I think that's from an old TV series?

How are you doing now? How would you answer this posted question?

All the best,

Should

It's good to talk to you again Should I, but sad to hear your story didn't end as you had hoped. I remember being so happy when you and your ex told me to just hang on, she'd be back. It was one of my fondest memories when she did finally return. When you wait and anticipate something for so long and it finally transpires, it feels amazing. And it did for a while. Around the 6 month mark, the ex she left me for ended up killing himself  and it was downhill from there.

There's a finality to it this time around. She speaks very calmly and clearly in ways I haven't heard her speak before. She doesn't appear to be ruled by emotions which is surprising to me. She even gave me closure today. I asked what I did wrong, what she's looking for in a partner. And she said "I need someone who understands I want to be friends with every guy, not in a sexual way. I need someone who isn't jealous about that."

I didn't jade, though I wanted to. I wished her luck.

Last time around I believed in my heart she would return. This time around, I don't feel it. Is it rare for a pwBPD to act this way post breakup? She seems very clear.

To answer your question, I think I would ask God to help me to help her. I do still love her and care about her. Despite how calm and collected she appears, I have severe doubts that her lifestyle is in good shape at the moment but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe something finally snapped in her.

Have you had any contact with your ex?

[Mr Hollande]

If I knew then what I know now I would have walked away and left her to deal with her issues herself. Anyone willing, or foolish enough, to take her on is welcome to have a go. He'll leave the dance the same way I did. Feet first.

[Should I stay or...]

Hey LG,

Our story lines are even more similar than I knew from when we last spoke... .

My BP's ex-husband had tried to kill himself over the summer. And, again last week... .This has sent our relationship into a tailspin, like yours!

Do they have feelings of guilt that caused this deregulation? I know they are filled with shame from their childhoods'. This trauma could be displaced and associated with us... they are placing the blame not on themselves but on us? We caused this happen.

If, I didn't love you, he'd still be alive, hence she only wants boyfriends, in your case, from now on... .?

[LostGhost]

Hey LG,

Our story lines are even more similar than I knew from when we last spoke... .

My BP's ex-husband had tried to kill himself over the summer. And, again last week... .This has sent our relationship into a tailspin, like yours!

Do they have feelings of guilt that caused this deregulation? I know they are filled with shame from their childhoods'. This trauma could be displaced and associated with us... they are placing the blame not on themselves but on us? We caused this happen.

If, I didn't love you, he'd still be alive, hence she only wants boyfriends, in your case, from now on... .?

Yeah she was riddled with guilt and shame after it happened but she actually put on a tough face. We stopped having sex after that happened though. Everything changed from that point on until I was discarded.

Are you still in a relationship with your partner, Should I? You said her ex tried to kill himself last week and that's putting strain on your relationship, so I assume you're still together but struggling?

[Should I stay or...]

Hey LG,

Her ex has made several attempts on his life with alcohol poisoning. He still pining over her, 4 years after the divorce. I wish I could help him, he's to weak to help himself. He's coming closer with each attempt... .I heard last week that he relapsed again, very sad.

This part of our story is odd. During last year's breakup her ex moved out of his old apartment and my runaway paid for the security deposit and first month's rent for his new apartment. Even more interestingly, the apartment is down the street from me just a 10th of a mile. And, each morning he would walked past my home to catch the train into work. It had to torture him to see her car in my driveway after we got back together again... .I never was given a clear answer on why he/she had chosen that location to relocate? There are thousand of other places for him to live... .was she trying to get back at me and him with that odd move?

We are no longer are seeing each again after many recycles, but I'm now in a better  frame of mind that she will never be well enough to marry. I had a ring in my pocket for the last two years ready to ask her, but then she would impulsively leave for a month or two, and here I am again. I have to take care of me now... .

Anyone have input into why she would help move her ex down the street from me? If she meant to get back at me, it didn't work, but it seems to have cause the added demise of her ex-husband's life. I find it shameful it it was done to spite either one of us!