Physically attacked in Vegas

[cloudten]

I am sure everyone here is so tired of hearing my story. I am tired of having a story to tell, frankly. I think that's why I stay away sometimes- is because I get so embarrassed that I can't leave my pwBPD, and I am embarrassed that I don't do what I know I should do... .and I keep having pity party stories to tell. One would think I would learn my lesson... .but I just haven't... .until now.

Also, new development since the last time I posted, he is OFFICIALLY DIAGNOSED NOW as a pwBPD. He admits it. He has been "working" on it... .and he admits he has it.

**Trigger warning- if you are sensitive to domestic violence, don't read any further. I am going to explain in detail**

So, I was white again, although I haven't really felt the same about him since the prostitute incident. I tried though. But he could even tell I was done. but we tried.

He was in one of his friends' wedding in Las Vegas. I made the trip out to be his date. Fortunately we traveled completely separately. We had a great time on Friday and all day Saturday. When I got there, he had tons of jewelry for me, wine and cheese, a really really nice card he had written something really sweet in.  The next day we had breakfast and he went off with the groomsmen for the wedding festivities and I caught up later at the wedding.  We went to the reception. He was freaking out because I wasn't invited on the bridal party bus (frankly I didn't want to go on that bus but that is another story). I kept telling him to relax, that I wasn't upset. He kept apologizing. He seemed to calm down by the time we got to dinner. We had fun at dinner. There was a tiny bit of dancing... .and although we didn't dance together, we did have fun. I was having fun.

Then I have no idea what happened... .I had had enough to drink... .he did too. But I was happy. Everyone was leaving the party. out of nowhere, Mr. Angry said to me "if you feel that way, just leave and go home."  I don't even know that i had actually said anything about anything. But something hit just the right note with me that i just took off and left. I started walking to the strip to catch a cab. he followed me and started yelling at me, in front of all the people in the casino, about something I have going on at work. He was accusing me of being upset about my boss (who is dying of cancer). I am upset for him, for my business, etc. But it wasn't bothering me at the party. I have NO IDEA where this came from. But he kept accusing me of being upset... .when I wasn't upset at all.  Being drunk, I simply argued back. I didn't have the presence of mind to respond in any of the ways that I should have knowing what I know about BPD now. But he kept yelling and yelling and yelling... .and finally I took off running down the strip and lost him in a group of people. I hopped into a cab and got back to the hotel.

I really didn't think he was going to show back up. I sat down and stared out the window at Sin City- a place I refuse to ever visit again.

But not 5 minutes later he was in the room. He was yelling and yelling at me- now I am not even sure what. He told me, again, to leave and go home. So I started packing my bag. Then everything got very physical. He pushed me... .he started pulling things back out of my bag that I was packing. he completely undressed. I took off the jewelry he had given me the day before and left it for him. I just kept putting stuff back in my bag and said that I wanted to go home. I kept saying "just let me go home!"

He pushed me down on the bed and pulled huge clumps of hair out of my already balding head (because of PTSD because of him, my hair has thinned to very frustrating levels for my 33 year old body- I guess i have that to look forward to again in 3 months don't I). He held me down and screaming in my face, he then licked me, tried to kiss me, and i bit down on his tongue- hard.

I can't even remember now everything he was yelling at me about. but I do remember one accusation is that I have a secret millionaire boyfriend. HAHA. that's a laugh. If I had a secret millionaire boyfriend, I wouldn't have been there with this freak, that's for d*mn sure!  In another instance he was accusing me of not going to the gym when I said I went to the gym.

He picked up my shoes and threw them at me... .I picked one up and threw it back at him. He tackled me again... .I slapped him and he pushed me off the bed. I was trapped against the bottom of the bed (solid because its a hotel bed) and he had his hands at my throat. he was hanging off the bed over me, choking me. His face was red and he was screaming at me in the most satanic, gutteral voice I have ever heard in my life (like a screamer from the heaviest of heavy metal bands)--- he was sweating and foaming at the mouth and it was dripping on me as he screamed at me "I am going to kill you so I never have to see you in *our town* again!"  As he was yelling, a blood vessel in his face under his eye bubbled up to the surface like a blood blister.

As he was choking me, I started to fade out all I could see was his silhouette against the vegas backdrop out the window and everything faded. he let go- obviously- or I wouldn't be typing this. All I can remember thinking as I was fading out was that this was it... .and that I wished he would just do it so that I would be free from his torture.

He got up, poured a bottle of water onto my stuff in my suitcase (i didn't realize he did this until later). I got up... .he threw me down on the floor again and this time was biting me and ripping my clothes off.  I went limp and just wished I would die or that someone would hear me.

The scary part is despite all my cries for help. No one helped. No police came.

As he was tearing my clothes off I said "oh you're gonna rape me too?"... .he kept going for a second, then for whatever reason, he got up, went in the bathroom and closed the door. I grabbed all of my stuff that I could and left.

I was sobbing... .and there was a woman pacing the end of the hall... .she must have heard everything... .I can't believe how disappointed I am in humanity... .I could have been killed. and she did nothing.

I didn't know where I was going. I was still pretty drunk. A lady on the elevator (different lady) asked me if I was ok... .i just kept walking. I didn't want him following me.

I got outside. I sat and cried like a crazy person for an hour. Then I realized that I was too drunk to go anywhere... .it was after midnight by now. Luckily I was staying in one of the really really large vegas hotels. I went in to the front desk. They could see how upset I was. I asked if they had a room. She found one for me... .I went straight there and straight to bed. somehow i slept... .probably the alcohol.

The next day (yesterday), I never heard a word from him. Finally last night I texted him an expletive.  He texted me back that he understood. he said "I'm a bad person. i F*d up. I'm sorry I told you to leave. I'm sorry for touching you. Nothing I did was acceptable. I have demons. I have dark demons."

No doubt.

So that's that. its over.

I am completely in shock. How did it go from jewelry (which he had NEVER ever done), talk of getting married, vacations together, etc... .to him actually, ACTUALLY trying to kill me and almost succeeding?

So, my T is about to get an ear full this week. I just spent 22 hours in airports and on airplanes trying to get home. I am exhausted. I don't know how I'll ever sleep again. I don't know how I will ever get over this and move on.

Part of me just doesn't know what the trigger was or what happened. I know I will probably never know... .but this came completely out of the blue and was by far the worst rage I have ever witnessed. The rages weren't getting better, they were getting worse. So, that's my story. I don't know what I do next, but I do know I will never go back.

I made it a point to be painfully honest to absolutely all of my friends and to my parents. I told them everything... .which I feel will help keep me accountable to not going back.

I just can't believe that is how it ends.

[Lifewriter16]

I am so sorry to hear about this, Cloudten. It sounds like a terrifying experience as well as a confusing one. I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel.

Are your friends and parents being supportive?

Are you considering some kind of injunction just in case he tries to get in touch?

What other things could you put in place to keep yourself safe?

Love Lifewriter

[Michelle27]

I am so sorry you had to go through that, and away from home and supports had to have made it 10 times worse.  I hope you are now taking time to take it easy on yourself, be good to you and get all the love and support from the people around you that you can.  I'm also glad to hear you will be seeing a therapist this week, that should help too. 

A couple of times in your post you spoke of wondering what you may have done to trigger him.  I understand because I've been there... .blamed myself for rages and told myself if only I had done (or not done) this or that, it wouldn't have happened.  Above all else, remember that you are NOT EVER to blame for his behavior.  He has to own it.  Unfortunately, a pwBPD simply can't do that.  They say the words, but I don't truly believe it.

Hang in there.  Work on healing and let him deal with his own demons.   

[cloudten]

Thank you both!

Well, my dad came and changed the locks on my place last night.

I don't think I need to protect myself physically as much as I do emotionally and mentally. I don't think he will come after me. I think my biggest issue is going to be my own mental and emotional game.

Funny thing you asked about my parents. I just found out this morning that my dad has cancer again. This has made me more mad about what happened with my xbf because now i have to deal with this alone. Not only did he not work out, but he wasted 3 years of my life where I could have been finding someone who is actually loving and supportive (and not crazy). I am mad at myself, too, for getting involved with someone who isn't actually capable of being a real partner.

I actually told my parents everything... .almost all of the nitty gritty details... .which I have refused to do until now. I felt like if I needed to have some sort of accountability and support. My friends will only hold me accountable so much... .but my parents will hold me more accountable. They will never ever support him and I together... .and I think I need that. As a first born child, I have always felt immense obligation to make my parents happy. If I know that they would never ever support me being with Mr. Angry, then I will be less likely to go back. Hope that makes sense.

I am starting the blocking process today. Actually I started it yesterday. He still has a bunch of stuff of mine that I really want to get back. I am keeping the phone line open until then. Hopefully I can close out that portion today. I am leaving his stuff on his front porch, and he is supposed to gather the list I sent him and leave that on his porch. We'll see if he actually does it.

Ugh... .I should have ended this years ago. That is by far my number 1 regret. I should have ended this after the second month of dating.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi cloudten,

We've all had those kind of regrets. I spent 5 years with a man who abandoned me on our first date to spend the whole night talking to his ex-girlfriend. He literally introduced me to the hosts of the party as we arrived at their house and left me standing there with them for the entire evening. The ex was a thorn in my side throughout the whole of that five years. I shouldn't have seen him again, let alone for 5 years.

Unfortunately, you've had a very traumatising experience rather than simply a humiliating one. And I don't think you should underestimate the continued risk to yourself.

I think, that on this occasion, getting your parents behind you is a good thing. Comparing the possibility of losing your life to submitting to a modicum of inappropriate, but well-meaning parental influence because you still need to muster your strength, is a reasonable compromise. However, consider other support too - legal etc. Don't assume he won't come after you. He may well. Right now, you know what he is capable of if his emotions get the better of him and it's not worth taking the risk with your life, even if you think you are overreacting. It's better to be safe than sorry.

I would advise that you talk to a domestic violence service about this whole situation. They may be able to provide all sorts of help, advice and support to you... .which would make you less reliant upon your parents so you lose less of your self-respect through any inappropriate 'help' that they might give you.

I hear what you're saying about it being your own emotional weakness that is likely to undermine you. You probably need to talk like crazy to be able to stay away. Don't be embarrassed. Let people help you. We're in there with you but try find some real-life people too... .

Love Lifewriter

[cloudten]

yeah, i have pretty much been telling every real life that means anything to me. i have been toying with going to the police. i probably should. maybe i will tomorrow.

[JohnLove]

Let me be your resolve. . Don't "toy" with going to the police. He has passed the point of no return demons or not. I can see why what happened happened. He had too many chances to stop, or deescalate, or remove himself. He didn't. Regardless of what he didnt do, he needs to be held accountable for his actions. Go to the police.mtell them the truth. A restraining order may be the next necessary step. Don't put it off. If you want to be taken seriously, you need to report that deplorable behaviour sooner rather than later.

One other thing, stop blaming yourself. Everyone plays their part in relationship drama but honestly this episode is not of your making. You just experienced a pwBPD become psychotic.

Read the tools on this site again if you need to. Closure almost never happens in a relationship with a pwBPD and the relationships can fail spectacularly and suddenly in the most unexpected ways. Somewhat sadly, yours is no different.

I hope your Dad gets better. Find professionals to help or assist you (to reduce the burden on friends or family).

... .and lastly take good care of yourself.   

[cloudten]

Thanks! Okay okay. I am going to go to the police in the morning after I drop my daughter off at school. I agree. Someone needs to know.

[Kwamina]

Hi cloudten

You've been through a horrible experience and I am very sorry this has happened to you.

Like Lifewriter16 said, this is a traumatic experience and I encourage you to be gentle with yourself and treat yourself with compassion as you deal with all of this. You are not to blame for anything that happened. Your xbf has serious mental problems and quite frankly seems a very dangerous person to be around.

I am glad you have the support of your parents so you don't have to go through this alone. Your xbf's behavior was extremely abusive and I too urge you to explore more avenues to protect yourself from him.

How are things now? Did you go to the police?

You also got the sad news that your father is sick. That's tough news to get, especially now that you are already dealing with so much. I hope your father illness will be treatable and he'll be able to recover from it.

Take care and please keep us updated about any further developments. Many of us here have gone through extremely difficult trials and tribulations and we most definitely aren't tired of hearing from you. You are one of us and we are here to try and help you any way we can

[EmptyShell]

Ugh, this is what happened to me 3 years ago.  Except, thank God Hotel security came to the room and banned him from the hotel.  He ended up choking me again a few months later, and that's when I called the police and he spent the weekend in jail. After that, he never physically touched me, but he would throw things near me, break things, scream an inch from my face, punch walls, throw the mattress onto the floor if I was sitting on the bed, scream at me, call me every horrible name you can think of, and he threw dog poop in my face.  It does not get better, trust me.  I hope you don't go back to him. 

[Herodias]

Sounds absolutely horrible! I have been through some domestic violence myself. Not to your extent, but had knives and guns held to me. I did have him arrested. It did have a powerful affect on him,  made him afraid of me? That's fine, he can be afraid because I finally set up a boundary that he cannot cross. You have not- that's why you must go to the police. I also feel that since they understand mental disorders... .at least ours do, I have done my duty in case he goes off and kills a bunch of people like these mass shooters. Could happen! The domestic violence people said mine could have sociopath tendencies as well. Yours may too! You should be very afraid. You and I do not react well to the abuse and fight back- that doesn't help us either, because these people are about winning... .stay away and write down all the bad to look at when ever your mind goes to the good stuff! The little bit of good is not worth all the bad. Work on you and then you can move on to a happier life. it's tough- really tough, but you have proven how strong you are in how much you have put up with so far. Get out... .stay out... .Hold your head high and be strong! You will be glad in time.

[cloudten]

@EmptyShell- that sounds like me except the dog poop. He sure did love yelling an inch from my face at the top of his lungs.

@Herodias - It could happen! Totally!  I did fight back... .especially the stronger I became emotionally... .the harder I fought.

So here is my latest update. SO MUCH!

I went to the police yesterday morning and filed a report. At the end of the report, he made me run down a list of about 12 questions things like "Has he ever threatened you with a weapon?", etc. I had to answer, honestly, yes to every single one except that we don't have children together. It was really eye opening... .so eye opening that I decided to file for a PFA (Protection from Abuse) order.  That was not in my plan yesterday... .but honestly... .i feel like now everything is busted wide open and this is FINALLY the END. I will never go back- I know that for sure. I will never ever go back. I'm sure when he gets served papers today that he will never have me back anyway... .which is good.

I guess I didn't realize how much of this I really kept hidden deep down so no one would know. I have started revealing things to people that will hold me accountable. I let my sister read the police report filed with the court. I don't have the heart to let my parents read it- yet. Maybe someday.

So- we go for a court hearing on Oct 26. I am already a mess about having to testify on the stand in front of Mr. Angry and both families (I am sure at least his parents will be there). I am not worried so much about testifying though- because my story is rock solid. I couldn't have written a better story. If anything, my testimony is sugar coated... .not quite as bad as it actually was. And what's sad is that that is enough.

So, this all blew up bigger than I thought it would, but that just proves to me that it was a bigger deal than my blind eyes understood and saw. I spent my morning realizing that I have much more evidence against him than I previously thought. I found 6 d*amning voicemails from him... .one explicitly saying that he was going to kill me and my "F*ing daughter". yup.  It might be wrong that I giggle when I listen to it for two reasons... .one because he goes "I'm going to kill you and your f*ing daughter! call me back"  the call me back is totally dead tone after screaming. It's him in a nutshell. but why would anyone call that crazy psycho back? you think I might know the answer to that... .since i eventually did call him back. The second reason I giggle is because he doesn't know I have kept that message. I can't wait to see the look on his face in court when it is played.

See I am a single mom. He is from an extremely wealthy family in our city and one of his cousins is a big judge. He has always told me he would lawyer up (in fact one of the voicemails I have from him is telling me that he would lawyer up). I sort of hope now he comes with his guns blazing so that he gets blown away by my cannons.

Honestly, if the voicemails, emails, and photos of my injuries aren't enough to at least grant me a restraining order... .I will lose complete faith in the entire system. If he is able to pay off judges, smdh.

He gets served papers today. I know he will lose his sh*t.  But I am in a whole new place. He deserves this. He deserves this and more.  He may have hurt me... .but I can hurt him more. I hold the upper hand now. I feel empowered. I feel strong for the first time in 3 years. And I feel like I can breathe and that this is going to be over!

If he texts me... .he gets arrested and charged. If he calls me, stalks me, even sends a letter thru a 3rd party... .he gets arrested. If he shows up at the same restaurant as me... .he can be arrested on the spot. I haven't felt this free in years.

I wish I knew if he had been served yet... .because then I will really feel better.

[Lifewriter16]

Thanks for updating us. I am so pleased to hear that your visit to the police has been so empowering for you. Well done for having the courage to take that step.

Lifewriter x

[OnceConfused]

So- we go for a court hearing on Oct 26. I am already a mess about having to testify on the stand in front of Mr. Angry and both families (I am sure at least his parents will be there)

You will be surprised at how easy this will go. You will be liberated after this because now you don't have to live with the fear anymore. You are now standing up to protect yourself and your children.

Your fear is exactly how BPD wants us to be. TO be fearful of them so that they can control us. To be walking on eggshells so that we have to comply to them.

Of course his family will protect him so that is given. But I hope your family will be on your side to support you.

[Kwamina]

Thanks for this update cloudten.

You've been through a horrible experience. I am glad you are taking serious steps to protect yourself now and have reported what happened to the police.

It sounds like the whole process of filing that report was eye-opening and empowering for you. It can really help to write things out on paper. It isn't an easy reality to accept, but once you've accepted the current reality you can start working on some radical change as you are doing right now

Take care

[livednlearned]

Hi cloudten,

I'm so sorry you've been through all of this and wanted to see how you are feeling? It's a lot to go through and can really jangle the nerves.

Did you get any support or advice from DV counselors or law enforcement (sometimes they have social worker/cops handle cases like this)? They are familiar with behavior like this, not just prior to the abuse, but after abusers are served (statistically one of the most dangerous times).

It sounds like you don't think your ex will do anything physical to you (although smart to change the locks) after he is served?

[cloudten]

Yes it is certainly a hard reality to accept.

Okay- so I just got off the phone with the Sheriff's office. They tried to serve him yesterday and he hasn't been served yet. They are going to try to serve him again this afternoon.

I was not aware that after they are served is one of the most dangerous times. That freaks me out a little more. Honestly, I don't know what he would do anymore. He is perfectly capable of finding me and hurting me. I think he is more likely to commit suicide than to come after me... .but I could be wrong about that.  Unfortunately, I had a judge that did not honor my wish to have his gun taken away, so he gets to keep his gun... .for now. I hope for the permanent order they take it away.

After I sent my lawyer all of my evidence yesterday, I haven't heard much. I don't know what will fly in court and what will not. I wish she would have given me some sort of feedback. I am so nervous that this will be dismissed because he'll have some big gun lawyer.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Cloudten,

Since the most dangerous time is immediately after serving, what plans can you make to ensure you are safe - like being elsewhere perhaps, or having friends and family over etc? I would have thought it's best to make contingency plans and not risk being alone. Don't be reluctant to ask for help. No one will think that you've wasted their time if it proves unnecessary, they will just be relieved that nothing happened.

Lifewriter x

[livednlearned]

After I sent my lawyer all of my evidence yesterday, I haven't heard much. I don't know what will fly in court and what will not. I wish she would have given me some sort of feedback. I am so nervous that this will be dismissed because he'll have some big gun lawyer.

It's a good idea to beef up your sense of protection in the weeks leading up to and after the hearing, just to be on the safe side. These are stressful events for everyone, and it sounds like he does not deal with stress very well   It's hard to have intimate, personal details of your private life discussed in an open court room, no matter who you are, or how guilty he may be. There were more than 60 filings in my case and I found it got easier, but never easy to be in court, and that's with a judge who repeatedly ruled in my favor.

You can ask for police escort to and from the county steps where I live (something the DV counselor recommended). It's all just safety precautions, and depends on how you feel. I'm glad that your family is supportive -- that goes a long way, so that you don't feel so alone when you make your appearance.

Also, lawyers sometimes don't get back to discuss too much because they're trying to keep your costs down. Maybe there is a DV advocate that can explain more about what to expect? These are usually staff at DV shelters who support abuse victims during exactly this type of hearing.

One question you may want to double check is whether the RO works both ways. Meaning, he cannot contact or approach you, but can he file an RO against you at the same time?

[cloudten]

After I sent my lawyer all of my evidence yesterday, I haven't heard much. I don't know what will fly in court and what will not. I wish she would have given me some sort of feedback. I am so nervous that this will be dismissed because he'll have some big gun lawyer.

One question you may want to double check is whether the RO works both ways. Meaning, he cannot contact or approach you, but can he file an RO against you at the same time?

Yes, I think he can file against me, although he can't do it until after this hearing. He is more than welcome to. I have zero desire to contact him or see him. If he were to file one, I would simply agree and not go through the hearing and stuff.

[cloudten]

But yes, the personal stuff in court is going to be very hard... .my family hearing it is going to be very hard. One of my pictures with my scrapes and bruises is topless... .so yeah... .everyone is going to see that. Not fun.