They don't do love?

[Climbmountains91]

Has anyones BPDex made comments like ''they can't do love, there not interested in it because they just feel dead inside to that'

and then gone on to finding a replacement?

[Beach_Babe]

 My BPD told me he did not feel he had the ability to love. He said he could be obsessed with someone infatuated even, but love he did not know. That was in 2007. I regret not running then.

Moral of story: when someone tells you who they are ... .believe them.

[Creativum]

Has anyones BPDex made comments like ''they can't do love, there not interested in it because they just feel dead inside to that'

and then gone on to finding a replacement?

I look at it this way:  When they start to love you is when they retreat and/or dysregulate and/or completely lose their sh*t.  With many, the whiter you've been, the blacker you become.  It's all a tremendous defense mechanism.  They can't do love, that's right.  But they CAN love.  It's just so terrifying that it isn't worth it.  The feeling of deadness is more familiar and safe, so anything that deviates from that is avoided like the plague.  What feels like butterflies in our tummies, to them, are scorpions in the groin.

[stacma04]

@Creativum... ., I like your saying, made me laugh, I needed that 

"What feels like butterflies in our tummies, to them, are scorpions in the groin."

I do think my ex didn't love me though, or else he wouldn't have hurt me so many times, by kicking me out of the house, then coming back, last time I took him back after several months, he left again only to get engaged one month later after our break up. Told me to move on with my life because he couldn't commit to me. His engagement was his final way of telling me that I really didn't mean ___, and that he found someone that he loves

[Learning Fast]

Love the "butterflies" and "scorpions" analogy!

I found with my ex that she could "love".  What she couldn't do was "be in love".  She confused intense infatuation or a massive crush with being in love.  Intimacy would trigger the disorder and we all knows what happens then.

[cosmonaut]

This is probably the most asked question we all have about the disorder, but also one of the most difficult to answer.  Which is why it continues to be asked time and again.  There's no definite answer.  After all, how does one measure love?  We all show it in a million different ways, and it is uniquely expressed by all of us.  Chances are there were times when our ex acted with love and times they did not.  And if we are honest, chances are we can say the same about ourselves.

For myself, I've went through many different views of my relationship, but the one constant has been that I believe my ex loved me deeply and sincerely.  And I her.  At first I felt very wronged - that I was the victim in my ex having left me.  As time went on I began to feel that she was a very disordered woman, and that she did what she did in her distorted views of the world.  What I've come to believe today is that my ex made what was truly the best decision for her.  That she had very valid reasons for leaving, despite her loving me.  I believe her when she told me that she still loved me, but that she just couldn't do this anymore.

I can't speak with authority about any relationship involving BPD but my own.  However, I think that some of what I've learned may be helpful to you too.  I gave my ex everything that I had.  I can say that I honestly loved her as best as I could, but that it wasn't the type of love that she needed.  She needed someone who was in far better mental health than I was, and my own issues were only making life harder for her.  She needed someone who she could always depend upon to be a soothing presence, much as a young child returns to their mother when they are scared or upset.  She craved that comfort and safety, but there were too many times when I couldn't deliver it.  And I believe that crushed her, because she wanted things to work out for us as much as I did.  But she couldn't handle the degree of emotional stress and uncertainty we eventually arrived at.  So, she did what she had to do and she left.  For her, it was indeed necessary.  I believe that is why I haven't heard from her, because she is afraid of all the emotion that loss will bring up again, and perhaps even afraid that she will return and be crushed and hurt again.  It was a surprisingly rational decision, and that realization has been enlightening for me.

[Darsha500]

Hey Climbmountains,

Your thread title stood out to me... .

When I first met my ex, she went on about how dysfunctional her current relationship was. In response, I thought, hm, I bet she could really use this book. The book was titled, "How to be an adult in relationships: The five A's of mindful loving."

The next day I found that she was overjoyed with the book. Because it basically was a guide on how to love in a healthy adult way, what it looks like, etc. - something she was never quite able to do in the past. She decided that she wanted to practice the book on me and i eagerly volunteered. She really really tried to implement the teachings in the book, as did I,  we even did the exercises together.

However, in the end, no amount of effort or attempts at "loving" were enough.

Its really sad. I don't think the borderline can do love, not in any functional sense. Their love is based in hunger. This is not unique to personality disorders... .

Okay im rambling.

[Mutt]

Has anyones BPDex made comments like ''they can't do love, there not interested in it because they just feel dead inside to that'

Hi Climbmountains91,

Maybe he was describing feelings of emptiness?

My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

[Climbmountains91]

Thank you for everyones responces. 

I just found his comment quite odd as i thought BPD's are needy and wanting to be loved, but the describing of emptiness makes sense.

He said we can only ever be friends but feel i'm always wanting and waiting for the recycle and i know i shouldn't be.

[hopealways]

Mine said "I love you in my own way".  But there is only 1 way of loving, and that is the healthy right way.  The BPD way is toxic.

[SummerStorm]

Love the "butterflies" and "scorpions" analogy!

I found with my ex that she could "love".  What she couldn't do was "be in love".  She confused intense infatuation or a massive crush with being in love.  Intimacy would trigger the disorder and we all knows what happens then.

Yep.  My former friend can love.  But being in love?  That's a disaster.  Five days after she told me she was in love with her boyfriend, she cheated on him.   Less than a week after telling me she was in love with me, she started devaluing me.

[Learning Fast]

The final time that we were intimate in late June her last words before we parted for the summer were "I just can't believe how much I'm in love with you".  About ten days later she become involved with someone who she still refers to as her "friend"---mind you it's about four months later---yet I know irrefutably that it is much more than that.  Why carry on the charade?  To keep me tethered for when the new relationship founders.  Then invariably I'll receive the "I miss you and love you text". 

[zenwexler]

Moral of story: when someone tells you who they are ... .believe them.

Truer words have never been spoken. I'll never forget it. My BPDexgf said to me the very first day we ever met "I'm crazy. You'll want to run away"

If only I listened. People never change. Especially people with BPD

[Beach_Babe]

She said that on the FIRST date, zen? How prophetic.

[Butterfly44]

Has anyones BPDex made comments like ''they can't do love, there not interested in it because they just feel dead inside to that'

and then gone on to finding a replacement?

I look at it this way:  When they start to love you is when they retreat and/or dysregulate and/or completely lose their sh*t.  With many, the whiter you've been, the blacker you become.  It's all a tremendous defense mechanism.  They can't do love, that's right.  But they CAN love.  It's just so terrifying that it isn't worth it.  The feeling of deadness is more familiar and safe, so anything that deviates from that is avoided like the plague.  What feels like butterflies in our tummies, to them, are scorpions in the groin.

Wow... .agree, agree, agree! So well put! Mine completely freaked out and started to treat me like crap as soon as she started to feel things. She just couldn't handle it. Each time I did anything nice, I was treated with greater disdain. She just never believed anything I ever did was real. Sadly, even after it ended, she still tried to tell me everything I did was fake. It's really sad... .for both people involved.

[greenmonkey]

The only love they are capable of is the first throws of love, the buzz the honeymoon period. Beyond that they lack the emotional maturity to have an adult relationship with all the ups and downs.

As someone said on here it is like the love of a shiny new toy, once the excitements wears off they look for the next one