Fear of Running Into Our Exes

[mrwigand]

I was interested in getting people's perspectives on this.

I went to the grocery store to pick up supplies for a Halloween party tonight, and I saw dBPD exgf's car (I know it was her's because of the decals). Reacting almost on instinct, I simply drove to another grocery store. I just didn't want to deal with the anxiety of running into her possibly, or really even seeing her in person. My ex and I are currently on good terms, but I still have very visceral pain reactions the few times I've run into her. Is that normal after MONTHS? I'm not giving myself too hard of a time over it, but I was wondering if others felt similarly? And if so what underlies that kind of anxiety do you think?

[LifeExperience]

I can relate. I ran into my ex on my bike last weekend. She was with our dog and her new boyfriend. They were visibly smiling as they were walking down the street. They didn't spot me, but I was so shaken I had to pull over and get off my bike. The rest of the ride home I was in a terrible mood. It's been over a year since the breakup. I still have days were I say the "what ifs" to myself. Also part of me really just wants to see the dog - although I know I can't

[Mutt]

Hi mrwigand,

I can relate. I was triggered and felt terrible anxiety on the switch on / switch off days with the kids for several months after the break up because I had to see my ex, I later found that the anxiety lessened but I was still triggered, so I used mindfulness techniques, I would process the feelings and use mindfulness to become conditioned to the feelings / triggers. I found it really help and I hope that helps.

PERSPECTIVES: What is PTSD and how do you define "trigger"?

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

[hopealways]

You did a great thing for going to another grocery store, and yes this is normal to get triggered.  It will decrease over time. I am 3.5 months out and still get visceral reactions when I see a similar car to hers but so far thankfully it has not been her. These breakups are the toughest of any relationship. Had you broken up with the same girl but without the BPD it would have been MUCH easier, as we all know comparing these breakups to "normal" ones. 

Don't think you haven't started healing just because you get these triggers, it's just part of the process.

[C.Stein]

I am 3.5 months out and still get visceral reactions when I see a similar car to hers

Sadly ... .I am the same.  I have so many triggers that remind me of her it seems impossible to escape.

[Michelle27]

I can totally relate.  Days after I told my husband that I couldn't do this anymore (we were 3 months into a therapeutic separation and I had decided I couldn't wait anymore to feel safe with him and things were getting worse as far as weird behaviors) I spotted him stalking me.  After that, I saw him stalking me by going by the house after he moved out.  Freaked me out.  I started being extra vigilant, varied my routine, and brought people with me even to the grocery store so I wouldn't run into him without support.  My door locks were changed the day he moved out and I started locking my doors 24/7.

About a week ago I received word that he had quit his job in town and gotten another one out of town and by some other evidence, he appeared to have moved to another city.  The relief I felt was amazing.  I only have contact through his lawyer and I'm happy about that.

I would have totally gone to another grocery store too.

[once removed]

i think there is something to be said for being protective of our recoveries.

i would not be emotionally triggered if i ran into my ex. it would be a pain in the butt. im an introvert, i would not want to make conversation, i wouldnt even want to invite it. i wouldnt want to be in the awkward position of seeing her and making the visible effort to ignore her either. the entire thing would be awkward and unwanted. id go to another store too.

its a good question youre asking though, mrwigand, what is behind the trigger? what do you think underlies that kind of anxiety? what thoughts went through your head? this could happen again and you may not have the choice to leave.

[greenmonkey]

After I removed my uBPDexgf from the house, it seemed wherever I was, at whatever time of day - yep she was there. The stress and anxiety for months was awful. She was also appearing at the house day and night, on her own, with her son continuously.

I moved about 5 months later - so for her to do the same it would be a 180-200 mile round trip for her. It did not deter her in the slightest. One year on, I am still anxious seeing her make, model colour of car. I check every numberplate. I have CCTV around my house, as she visits regularly at odd hours of the night.

I hope this will diminish - I have zero feelings for her, total indifference, just nothing whatsoever I just don't want her near me or my life.