Moving on. Should I tell him?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So it's been just over a month since the split.  Last week we spent 2-3 days together after a few weeks of sparse/terse texting (he was withholding information about simple things like "What did you get up to today?", and he lied to me about "talking to" someone new somewhere in there.  Long story short, those 2-3 days showed me that, actually, I'm not interested in this person, nor do I have the feelings I thought I did.  This is great, right? Yep. But... .

I met someone new a few days ago.  This is a small area, so it WILL get around, and fast.  Should I tell him about it and get it over with?  How will he react, do you think?  Or should I let him find out on his own?  See, after a break up, I do tell the person I've broken up with if I've started seeing someone new.  I just find it respectful so they can move on and so they know I'm moving on. But how will my pwBPD react if I tell him/if he finds out?  Will he try to suck me back in?  Will he go over the deep end?  Will he split me totally black for abandoning him?  Anyone have any experience with this?  I know that no two pwBPD are alike, but I guess I just want to know what y'all think.

P.S. He's definitely single and has no prospects.

[Creativum]

So it's been just over a month since the split.  Last week we spent 2-3 days together after a few weeks of sparse/terse texting (he was withholding information about simple things like "What did you get up to today?", and he lied to me about "talking to" someone new somewhere in there.  Long story short, those 2-3 days showed me that, actually, I'm not interested in this person, nor do I have the feelings I thought I did.  This is great, right? Yep. But... .

I met someone new a few days ago.  This is a small area, so it WILL get around, and fast.  Should I tell him about it and get it over with?  How will he react, do you think?  Or should I let him find out on his own?  See, after a break up, I do tell the person I've broken up with if I've started seeing someone new.  I just find it respectful so they can move on and so they know I'm moving on. But how will my pwBPD react if I tell him/if he finds out?  Will he try to suck me back in?  Will he go over the deep end?  Will he split me totally black for abandoning him?  Anyone have any experience with this?  I know that no two pwBPD are alike, but I guess I just want to know what y'all think.

P.S. He's definitely single and has no prospects.

[stacma04]

@Creativum, In all honesty, If he has someone else, it may not bother him at all. If he is single it might. I've moved on as well since my ex, and i haven't heard a peep from him. He's engaged to my replacement so I figure I wont hear from him ever again

[shatra]

Stac wrote---

If he has someone else, it may not bother him at all. If he is single it might.

--I have heard that even when they are with someone else, they tend to feel jealous... .it also might bother him to think you are not available for event he idea of a future recycle

[Mutt]

 Will he try to suck me back in?

You're with someone new 

I think it would be better coming from you than hearing it through the grapevine.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Creativum, Agree w/Mutt.  Maybe you could let him down gently by saying something general like you just want to let him know that you're dating again.  It's hard to predict the reaction of a pwBPD, though I would be inclined to anticipate some sort of emotional explosion, so I suggest you get your shield up, so-to-speak.

LuckyJim

[mrwigand]

I would feel hurt if an ex went out of their way to tell me they were seeing someone and had "moved on".

[JohnLove]

Hello Creativum, You are split up from your ex... .and I'm guessing it was for good reason. You said he was playing games post breakup with the truth. You don't owe your ex anything once you split. I can't see sharing this information with him as going any better for you and it smells a little bit of rub his nose in it if you suspect he will react poorly, even though you are no longer together.

Anyway, you have met someone new... .perhaps a love interest, and it is very early days yet. He may display red flags, he may lose interest. It may amount to nothing.

At this point I'm reminded of the old Beatles song. Let it be.

[Creativum]

Hello Creativum, You are split up from your ex... .and I'm guessing it was for good reason. You said he was playing games post breakup with the truth. You don't owe your ex anything once you split. I can't see sharing this information with him as going any better for you and it smells a little bit of rub his nose in it if you suspect he will react poorly, even though you are no longer together.

Anyway, you have met someone new... .perhaps a love interest, and it is very early days yet. He may display red flags, he may lose interest. It may amount to nothing.

At this point I'm reminded of the old Beatles song. Let it be.

No, I don't want to rub his nose in it. My concern is that he will try to sabotage it when he finds out. As a gay man in a tiny community, he WILL find out, and with his narcissistic tendencies?  Oh man.  I thought maybe if I told him first it would give me more control over the situation.

[patientandclear]

C, didn't you have a thread on Undecided about the recycle from last week?  Seems to me he would have reason to be hurt that YOU are bouncing around on him so fast.  I posted on the other thread that, if this guy has BPD, his erratic reactions to your closeness last week are pretty "normal" for someone with his emotional challenges.  Are you being fair to anyone in this situation?  Seems like your feelings are all over the place and your reactions are zig-zagging.  If someone with BPD showed the same pattern we'd be pointing to that as some sort of reason for concern.

I hope all goes well in the dynamic with the new guy.  I think objectively it's super fast and will be hurtful to your ex, for what it's worth.

[Mutt]

No, I don't want to rub his nose in it. My concern is that he will try to sabotage it when he finds out. As a gay man in a tiny community, he WILL find out, and with his narcissistic tendencies?  Oh man.  I thought maybe if I told him first it would give me more control over the situation.

To be fair, you're not doing it to rub his nose in it.

Here's another angle, I think that facing someone can be hard for many people, it takes courage to face someone and tell them the truth, right?

[once removed]

i cant tell you what to do.

i know i would not want to hear it from anyone. i would not reply "thanks for letting me know". i suspect if the roles were reversed wed have a certain attitude toward the pwBPD.

most importantly, creativum, fighting for control of the situation is a losing battle. enjoy your new relationship (and congratulations!) and know that you are not responsible for what he hears, by whom, when or how.

[mrwigand]

No, I don't want to rub his nose in it. My concern is that he will try to sabotage it when he finds out. As a gay man in a tiny community, he WILL find out, and with his narcissistic tendencies?  Oh man.  I thought maybe if I told him first it would give me more control over the situation.

To be fair, you're not doing it to rub his nose in it.

Here's another angle, I think that facing someone can be hard for many people, it takes courage to face someone and tell them the truth, right?

The intention may not be to rub his nose in it, but that's exactly what this smacks of. I think it's disrespectful to go out of your way to expose an ex to your new relationshiop and the fact that you're getting along just fine without them. My dBPD ex did the same to me, so I can say from experience that it felt like crap. And it's simply unnecessary.

To be clear, I know none of that would be your intention, and you only mean the best creativum, but I think it's important you also be aware of the potential impact of that regardless of your intention.

[Mutt]

Likely it will illicit hurt feelings and some backlash for a period, but I think that it would cause less drama if it's coming directly from the source than hearing rumors? That said.

I think that everyone's situation is different, what we experience is not necessarily the same experience as someone else's? The connection with people is important, its our choice to be in a r/s and not at the expectations of others.

Creativum, here's advice that I will leave with you and I think that perhaps you will already know this . Do what feels right for you. I'll share a lesson that I learned. I think that the late Bruce Lee articulates it better than I could.

"I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations and you're not in this world to live up to mine"

[Lucky Jim]

"I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations and you're not in this world to live up to mine"

Mutt, I like that Bruce Lee quote!  LuckyJIm