does pride keep you from going back?

[Freeatlast_1]

I sometimes get the inclination to contact her, Tell her that I miss her, and that I'll always love her. Then my pride kicks in, as well as all the abuse I have gone through, and I don't contact her. That has happened many times. I also avoid sending a text thinking she might be with her new lover and she will completely reject me. My ex had an amazing connection, sex life, we read each other's minds and I never knew I could be that patient with anyone. I miss her a lot, even 2 months later. I don't think I am still addicted, it has been a while I should've broken that addiction. I have a feeling that she feels the same, that could be wishful thinking... .she might have moved on, or she might be too proud to call me. I wonder if BPDs hold back from contacting their ex's because of pride issues. I would love a BPD perspective on this, granted all BPDs aren't identical, it gives me an idea.

Also, I wonder why I tear up when I think of her. Could it be the PTSD? or the fact I miss her? or the memory of abuse? Not sure what it is. If anyone has an idea... .please share

[C.Stein]

Well I broke down and sent a text yesterday, just to get the first email from her since the discard informing me of the new BF and to not call or text her any more.

Today has been by far the hardest day since the discard.  It has literally crushed me knowing she moved on so quickly, let along the thought of the woman I loved more than any other  is with another man.  In her case the lack of contact up to today wasn't pride, it was all about she had discarded whatever feelings she had for me just as easily as she discarded me.  At least she was courteous in her email.  

I have been tearing up constantly for weeks, really can't understand it.  I find it happening sometimes even when I'm not directly thinking about her.  I think this is a sign of extreme depression ... .I need to pick myself up off the ground.  

[Freeatlast_1]

Wow I'm sorry you're going through that. I feel if I text her I would get the same thing, so I am glad you sent your experience. It is so hard to deal with this stuff and you must know you're not alone. Millions of people are going through what you are going through right now. Remember that you gotta control your own emotional reactions and we must develop some defense mechanisms to help us cope. Crying and feeling down is actually going against your well being. To me there is a hole in my heart, and I work hard on a daily basis to treat myself well and make myself happy somehow even for a few moments, ie protect myself. I even met someone else that I am just "talking" to for now, and she seems normal and nice, and it did take my thought from my ex when I talk to the new girl. I felt like I was "fooling my mind" which worked! I know deeply I want to just be in my ex's arms and the more I think about that, the more I find myself in deeper depression! But when I started talking to others (granted I am not falling for anyone... .as my heart is not ready for that) it really helped zone me out. I manipulated my own psyche . Of course when I am alone, reality hits, and she resurfaces... .so I get busy again and keep the thought of her buried. That's just my coping skills which help sometimes... .again... .I still hurt like hell other times, I do cry while driving sometimes as well... .but then to protect me, I call someone and zone out. I feel I'm constantly trying to protect my soul recently... .I will not allow her to crush me because my happiness is my priority. I have just started to love myself to the point where I am protecting myself. I even started loving my body, eating better, thinking of my organs, skin, gut etc... .I've never really cared about me like this. Even when I eat sweets, I'm more conscious of it... .something changed... .I started loving myself . I do relapse though and thats normal, sometimes I think we might even get back together later on, maybe not... ."it doesn't matter" (my new fav phrase)

[Michelle27]

Definitely not pride keeping me from going back.  It's loving myself enough to need a life without the chaos I lived in for most of a decade, loving my kids enough to give them a peaceful home and needing to take care of myself better.  He's a grown up, I shouldn't be taking care of him.

[C.Stein]

Wow I'm sorry you're going through that. I feel if I text her I would get the same thing, so I am glad you sent your experience. It is so hard to deal with this stuff and you must know you're not alone.

Thanks man.  You are right that it is time to start taking care of ourselves, I'm just having a harder time doing that than you are.  It will get better.

[13YearGoodbye]

It's the peace and tranquility that I've enjoyed the past few months that keeps me from going back. She's tried a number of times to re-engage me via eMail. Problem is, that the attempts involved accusations, fear, blame, guilt, obligation. She hasn't yet tried strategies that might tempt me: "I'm sorry for... .", "I am an alcoholic", "I admit that I told you that I have BPD", "You were right about... .", "How can we ____?",

[English Sid]

Personally, it's common sense knowing that it would never work out.

Lesson learned (hopefully). 

[hurting300]

No, having common sense does.

[Freeatlast_1]

I wonder why common sense is so hard to stick to in times like these. I knew the relationship didn't make sense 2 months into it, when we had our first fight and she acted crazy. I knew then that I should run. But I didn't, and I stuck around for 3 years! The common sense option was not an option at that time. Now it is an option of course, but not the easiest option to choose, although the right one.

[enlighten me]

If you replace the word pride with self respect then yes it has stopped me from going back. I do/ have missed my ex at times but I am not willing to go back and become her whipping boy.

[hurting300]

I wonder why common sense is so hard to stick to in times like these. I knew the relationship didn't make sense 2 months into it, when we had our first fight and she acted crazy. I knew then that I should run. But I didn't, and I stuck around for 3 years! The common sense option was not an option at that time. Now it is an option of course, but not the easiest option to choose, although the right one.

It's hard leaving someone you love... I totally get that because I use to be there. But sooner or later you have to understand it can not work.

[C.Stein]

I wonder why common sense is so hard to stick to in times like these. I knew the relationship didn't make sense 2 months into it, when we had our first fight and she acted crazy. I knew then that I should run. But I didn't, and I stuck around for 3 years! The common sense option was not an option at that time. Now it is an option of course, but not the easiest option to choose, although the right one.

My ex issue a veiled threat to cheat on me if I wasn't around at the "wrong" time two weeks into our relationship.  I too threw common sense and self-respect out the window and chose to give her the benefit of the doubt.  She had already hooked me at that point and I was a blind, flailing fish willing and ready to forgive almost any transgression.

[Bigmd]

2 months after the breakup I got weak after drinking and texted my exgf. It didn't go well. She couldn't have been colder. I knew then that there was no going back.

[greenmonkey]

I knew once she had pushed me too far, and I discovered a long history of lying and cheating for the whole of our relationship, the fact she was more interested in the contents of my will, but could not commit, the constant silent treatment, rages, secretiveness, hiding,  I knew  I was done.

Once I reached that point, locks changed, and I moved her property out of my house and gave her a date to remove it all by.

I would never go back to her, put myself and my family at risk of abuse. I have my self respect something I lost for 6 months living with her. No contact is that - nothing, zero nearly a year and I intend for it to be many more as I have no wish or desire to have her near me or my life again

[Kelli Cornett]

Well from my perspective (BPD) and I believe my partners had it to an extent but more NARC.


I'd say it just wasn't healthy for either of us. I was also dumped in every single relationship I've been in so why would I wanna talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to me?

You just try and prattle on.

[FannyB]

Pride doesn't stop me from going back - just the surefire knowledge that trying to sustain a LTR with her is utterly futile.   Does pride stop them from approaching us? Not if their emotional survival depends on it it won't.


Fanny

[OutOfEgypt]

Why call it pride or a "pride issue"?  Could it be that you don't contact her because part of you knows better and wants better for yourself?  Why criticize that?  It sounds like you are over-thinking way too much.

And why do you still tear up?  Could it be because you miss her and still have feelings for her?  That's pretty normal, my friend.  We would like to think that things could be so cut and dry, where these people have horns and are covered and scales and look and act simply like monsters all the time.  But they don't.  There was both good and bad.  We in the leaving board just realize that the bad is bad enough to stay away.

The thing *all* of us struggle with after a relationship with a person with BPD is with letting go of them.  We still wonder what they are doing or thinking.  We wonder the reasons behind their behaviors.  Some of us wonder what our BPD ex is going to do next to ruin our lives more.  We have to give ourselves a bit of a break, however, because that is normal for detaching from ANY relationship (except maybe the last one!).  But things are much more exaggerated in a relationship with a BPD person.  We get stuck in this "awwwwwww" sentimentalism toward them that isn't really based in reality as much as it is fantasy.  And part of us *wants* to stay in that fantasy because it is much, much easier than dealing with the pain of the truth.  Lamenting the loss and ruminating about how close you felt with them may seem painful enough, but I believe it is a way to avoid what we know is true and how utterly crushing that is.  Of course, you could always go back to her and let her do it to you all over again.  Maybe after a few more rounds you would start to realize that the fantasizing part of you is the sick part of you.   That's what it took for me.

Just remember, obsess-ville is where we hold onto what (and who) is unhealthy for us.  It gets better.  Hang in there.  At this point, I am happily remarried and you couldn't pay me enough to even consider going back to my ex-wife.  Yet I *still* struggle with getting her out of my head, but that is related to the children we share rather than romantic interest.  It's a battle!

[ivan da terrible]

I was recently triggered by a movie that reminded me of my EX-BPD/NPD wife.  I posted about it.  The thing that helped me from contacting her was not pride.  It was remembering how I was treated that convinced me to remain NC.  Loving myself... .and that is hard at times, and allowing myself to feel that emotion.  I am not yet at the point where the emotions feel like waves washing over me, but hopefully I will be there one day.  I have accepted who she is, and that she will likely not change.  I believe that if I went back, things would be the same, and the relationship would end in divorce again. 

[HopefulDad]

Does pride keep me from going back? 

Heck no!  The CRAZY keeps me from going back.

[Forteventur]

Sort of.

It hurts to know that she had someone to replace me before breaking up, shoving it into my face and laughing, emphasizing how happy she was now, and I know that still wanting her back would be nearly the same as saying "you can leave, f*ck whoever you want and I'll always be here", but I cant help it.

[C.Stein]

It hurts to know that she had someone to replace me before breaking up

Yes it does ... .and that is the understatement of the day ... .it crushes you.

[Mutt]

I think that we all different reasons with not going back. I didn't have a choice at the end of the r/s because she already had someone under her wing in our marriage and I suspect that they were attached enough that she thought that it would work and that she wouldn't find herself alone.

I knew that it was over once a third person was added into the dynamics and that it was impossible for me to get her back. It was a pretty emotionally distressing feeling that she valued her boyfriend more than her husband and the lack of empathy with the kids and how it would affect their feelings that they're family was over with failing to see the impact of her choices and the inability to assess and integrate the good and bad qualities w her choices and how impulse her actions were.  She had put herself and her needs in front of everyone else's in the family when she started a romantic relationship and decided it was time to move on.

I knew that I didn't have a choice after being triangulated and that the honeymoon phase of the new relationship and returning to her emotional baseline and feeling the intensity and the fantasy at the beginning  of the new r/s was a very difficult uphill battle if not impossible to win.

I think that the most upsetting thing was how much I valued marriage and what it meant to me and that it didn't seem like she held it to high standards like I did and how she displayed that she had lost the last renaming shred of trust that I had left for her after all of the behaviors and disappointments that I had to put up with over several years. We didn't have the same morals and values and I didn't want to back to her because I knew how unstable that she is relationships and there's very little chance that we would succeed if we got back together. I have made the changes and it wasn't for her, I made them for the kids so that I could help them and guide them with the experiences that they're going to go through have a borderline mom that is in denial with her illness and doesn't telegraph that she's aware of her illness.

I thought what message am I going to show the kids if I went back to mom and mom was treated their dad very poorly, how would the kids feel to witness their dad being badly treated? Am I condoning that being treated badly is Ok in their future relationships if they find themselves in bad relationships? I wanted to set the standards with my kids that it's not Ok and to stick up for themselves. I had hoped back then that they mirror my qualities and values, so far it looks like the kids are mirroring my values... I think that was a good call to not return as painful as things were, there was very little chance during her honeymoon phase and only if he had decided to leave that she would return, he telegraphed that he was staying put with the emotional intensity with a family going through separation./ divorce and a daughter ( her daughter ) being mistreated with her mothers projections and being kicked out of the home.

It wasn't a matter of pride, I was a matter that I had had enough and it was better for the kids that dad heals and leads them, raises them, teaches them my morals and values. It was the best decision that I had made with no regrets from a fragile marriage.

[Mr Hollande]

Whatever it is keeping you from re-entering the burning building that is your former relationship, use it! Only bad things await for those who return.

[Invictus01]

Nah, once you put two and two together and realize that it would never work, why bother.

[Forestaken]

Whatever it is keeping you from re-entering the burning building that is your former relationship, use it! Only bad things await for those who return.

Amen Brudda!

I kept a journal - I read (less and less) when I feel bad.

A poor man wants riches

A rich man wants salvation

A wise man wants peace