How To Move Out

[Anise]

It's time for me to move out soon. Unfortunately I triggered his abandonment issues and he is not going to make an easy time for me to leave.  I have some stuff in a shared storage unit as well as the stuff in the house.

He has painted out therapist extremely black, and has not been to therapy in a few months.  He has sworn off all doctors.  I think I am still white in his mind but he has been getting very difficult to deal with these days, especially if I try to validate his feelings and use some of the communication techniques I have learned.  He gets especially upset with me if I tell him it's ok to have the feelings he has.  But when I ask him about how he views me, he still puts me on a pedestal.  It's our therapist's fault our marriage sucks. 

I have a couple weeks left before I can move in.  For those who left and had some time, what logistics do I need to know?  I am already thinking about getting any personal docs (passport, birth certificate, car title) out, and any strongly personal mementos and valuable things I had before we got married?

[enlighten me]

Hi Anise

Its a good list to start with. I would recommend any joint account info such as energy suppliers if your name is on the bill. If it is then take meter readings. A photo on your phone with a date stamp on it. You can use this to close your part of the account.

Car insurance, life insurance and bank details. Pension information. Also if your divorcing then savings account statements to show how much was in there when you separated.

You can also prepare change of address letters so all you need to do is post them as soon as you move out. I would also look into getting your mail re directed. My ex wife held on to loads of mine that left me out of pocket.

Don't forget to change your address with doctors and dentists. If he feels vindictive then he may try and use any information from them or not pass on appointments.

Have a look at your bank statements and see what companies you make regular payments to. It might remind you of some things you've missed.

[Anise]

Thank you!

Thankfully for us the only thing joint we have is a checking and savings acct. He drained the savings account a few months ago to pay the mortgage, and I don't put in or take out any money from the joint account anymore.  He had his condo long before I moved in, so all the other bills are in his name.  I demanded and got my cell phone on my own plan a few months ago.

My new apartment seems very safe, I don't plan on telling him the address even though he has asked me where it is several times.

I have some friends who will store some boxes for me.  I don't know how to get the big, visible stuff out without a lot of questions or movers though.

I shred most of my pension and 401(k) stuff, and it will be easy for me to update the address.  I am not planning on divorcing him, although it is becoming inevitable. I told him I wanted to work on me and continue working on our relationship, but he is emphatic that if I leave it has to be all at once and that we will get divorced.  I told him that I am sad to hear that but that if he wants to file it is his decision.  I have consulted a lawyer but have not retained one yet.  The lawyer obviously was not going to give me much legal advice but did say if I was going to divorce my husband that it would be in my best interests to not be living with him when I file.

[Michelle27]

Even though you don't use the joint account, I strongly advise you to take your name off the account.  My ex and I had 2 joint accounts that we operated one as mine and one as his.  After we separated, I went to the bank to talk to them about mine because with the 2 joint accounts, we were able to see each others' account activity and my ex actually stalked me for a few months before so I was uncomfortable with him watching my bank account.  Also, he had bounced 2 of his payments from his account and because the joint accounts were linked, his payments (child support to his first wife and his car insurance) were covered when the bank automatically transferred it from mine to cover it).  The lady I had the appointment with at the bank explained that anything that happens in his account I am liable for without having the account either closed or my name taken off his.  Since we are NC I closed my account after opening one in my own name and having all bills/payments/income transferred over to the new account.  Where I live, at least at my bank, I can close a joint account but not remove the other person without him/her present, so I chose to close it.  Then I let his lawyer know that on a certain date I planned to close his (joint) account unless he went to the bank by that date where I had left the form signed to have my name removed. He did that on the day I was going to close the account.  No way was I going to open myself up to the possibility of being liable for anything that he does financially.  And no longer can he see my banking activity (nor I can see his).