Trying to understand. ..Im lost...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

After 7 weeks I have broken NC last week-end.

* I unblocked her on FB

* I sent her an email about adress change/mail issue. It was short, clear and polite. Then, we have exchanged 3 or 4 email only about that issue... .nothing else! 2 days later I have received another mail from her that goes like " Thanks again tribalmart, have a great Day! "

I must say that when I decided to go NC our r/s was like hell! I had to call her family and fake going to the police station for her to stop harassing me.

Today, between 7am and 9am she blocked and then unblocked  me  on FB. She changed her profile pics... shes gorgeous! So what is that mean? Im afraid to fall again.

I would like to write her a letter for Christmas, to let her Know that Im more peaceful about our breakup and to wish her good luck. Is it a good idea? I dont think so? Where is my pride? I feel prisonnier and slave of her physical beauty? She is rebounding and I would say that it make me feel so jealous and frustratred... .my replacement is a kid who smoke pot, dont think he's a bad dude but far from her league (30 yo accountant)... .I really dont understant whats going on? For her and also for me... .I feel weak... .Im lost... .afraid to fall into à depression... .

[tribalmart]

Hi,

After 7 weeks I have broken NC last week-end.

* I unblocked her on FB

* I sent her an email about adress change/mail issue. It was short, clear and polite. Then, we have exchanged 3 or 4 email only about that issue... .nothing else! 2 days later I have received another mail from her that goes like " Thanks again tribalmart, have a great Day! "

I must say that when I decided to go NC our r/s was like hell! I had to call her family and fake going to the police station for her to stop harassing me.

Today, between 7am and 9am she blocked and then unblocked  me  on FB. She changed her profile pics... shes gorgeous! So what is that mean? Im afraid to fall again.

I would like to write her a letter for Christmas, to let her Know that Im more peaceful about our breakup and to wish her good luck. Is it a good idea? I dont think so? Where is my pride? I feel prisonnier and slave of her physical beauty? She is rebounding and I would say that it make me feel so jealous and frustratred... .my replacement is a kid who smoke pot, dont think he's a bad dude but far from her league (30 yo accountant)... .I really dont understant whats going on? For her and also for me... .I feel weak... .Im lost... .afraid to fall into à depression... .

[Mutt]

Hi tribalmart,

I would feel the same way. She unblocked you on Facebook, I would send a general Merry Christmas letter but I would hold off on mentioning the old relationship if you don't want to get blocked again. I say that because it's probably going to evoke emotions with your ex that she can't cope with.

I'll pose you the following questions.

Do you feel like you're strong enough with your healing that you could peek on social media and it won't trigger you?

Do you think that it would be a good idea for you to self protect and block or deactivate your facebook account so that it speeds up your recovery?

[tribalmart]

Cleary, Im not that strong! Watching her FB is nothing positive... .but I just cant kick her out of my mind! I put her on a pedestal... .and I dont Know why? You cant judge someone only by her physical attribute. .and in her case, for the rest she fail! (Honnestly,  loyalty, empathy... .) I behave  like if my happiness is depending of her best de me! Im jealous of her "success" of her "beauty"... .shes also 8 years younger... .and seems really happy after injecting so much pain in my soul. How can I move on... .?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey tribal-

I feel prisonnier and slave of her physical beauty?

I put her on a pedestal... .and I dont Know why? You cant judge someone only by her physical attribute. .and in her case, for the rest she fail! (Honnestly,  loyalty, empathy... .) I behave  like if my happiness is depending of her best de me! Im jealous of her "success" of her "beauty"... .shes also 8 years younger... .and seems really happy after injecting so much pain in my soul. How can I move on... .?

Yes, you're putting her on a pedestal.  We spoke earlier about you making a list of all of the unacceptable crap she pulled when you were with her; how's that list going?  It's meant to be a tool, for you to read and read and focus on at times like this, to shift your focus to the reality of a relationship with her, so you can weather the fantasy/beauty piece until it lessens, which it will.  Where's that list?

Also, something I used to use when I was young and intimidated by a beautiful woman I had put on a pedestal: imagine her burping, farting, really bad body odor, being obnoxious and rude to people, all of which happens once in a while, but not when she's up on a pedestal in your head.  If you associate strongly to those things when you're looking at her picture, for example, that could take the shine off so you're not so enamored and she will get knocked off that pedestal.  Also, as you're out in the world, notice other beautiful women, they're everywhere, and all you have to do is notice them, their physical beauty, since as you've mentioned who your ex is and what she looks like are two entirely different things, so set about convincing yourself that she isn't the only beautiful woman on the planet, which she isn't, not even close.

I takes work and conscious focus, but detachment is obtainable if you do that work.  Are you committed?

[lovenature]

Ever heard the saying beauty is only skin deep? Would you really want a relationship with this girl who clearly falls extremely short beyond physical looks, or would you want a relationship with a girl who is far better overall; some one who treats you well and respects you, someone you can trust, a girl you can have a healthy relationship with?

Sure there are those who possess great physical beauty and are good people beyond that; I would always look at the overall picture, and remember another accurate saying-it's what's inside that counts!

[tribalmart]

I made this list of pros/cons but I think I have to read it again and again and especially when I feel pain and when Im in the fog  like today. Also, put alot of emphasis on the cons!This list should always be with me, in one of my jeans pocket! Its weird that we tends to forget quickly the negative aspects of a past r/s by fallin into a nostalgy.

I Know that I have to change my priorities. Physical beauty is only one of the numéros aspect to consider among many others . Putting à woman on a pedestal is immature and related to my main issue... .self esteem! By giving myself more self worth I think I could stop putting me above the girl I use to date or r/s.

[fromheeltoheal]

By giving myself more self worth I think I could stop putting me above the girl I use to date or r/s.

There you go!  Good for you man, your self esteem and self worth is entirely up to you and in your control, run with that!

[tribalmart]

WOW what a week!

Last tuesday, Finaly I wrote her that "holidays letter", to let her know my mood about our past r/s... .that I still dont understand why she had been so dishonnest and such a liar without empathy. Also that I'm ok with the fact that in life sometimes we dont obtain answers to our questioning... .that I'm more peaceful and serene about the break-up and that she's already with someone else. Here is the progess of her reaction.

Tuesday - She answered quickly... .it's was clear, coherent. With respect, she told me being happy with her new boyfriend, that she tought everything has been said about us. That our story was alot more passionnate than  with him (the replacement). Otherwise, they are looking in the same direction... .having baby, wedding... .(Note / From the very first start of our r/s I told her that I had a vasectomy... .she always said that the all lies, cheating and harassment was because of this non-desire to have a kid from her, this is why she became so insane).

**** It's amazing how logical, serene, smart, mature she looked... .I was Under a shock! ****

Wednesday - Soon in the morning, she texted me because she wanted to transfer money in my bank account for me to buy a Christmas gift to my daugther ? In the past, she used to manipulate trough my daughter. I said "NO, i'm not comfortable with this offer but I apreciate alot just because only thinking abour her is a gift" And we started to chat about all and nothing for the next 2 days. She told me about her new boyfriend and said some weird things about him. "It's was not love at first sight like us, I will never find it again but I have learned to love him... .love passion does'nt last you know" + "I know you have seen him on FB... .don't worry you did'nt see good pictures of him, if he looked that way, that style I would never be with him lool" It ended a 11 pm.

Thursday - Still chating about all and nothing but I decided to confront her. I went ":)o you think it's normal to chat like that for 2 days non stop with your ex, you will try to make me belive you're happy... .you seemed confused?" She started to changed her speech and suddently the replacement was a charming prince, she wanted to do evertyhing to be honnest with him and especially not doing again the mistakes she did with me. I told her that her speech was very contradictory... .that she was saying bad things about him + chatting with me for 2 days BUT she says she's vey happy with him? It does'nt match? Finaly I asked her to take a coffee... .she said that she needed time to think about it.

Friday- No news from her... .no text, email... .nothing!

Saturday - She told me that taking a coffee would me dishonnest for her new boyfriend... .that she's happy with him but she can give me some minutes to answer my questions. I said no, it has to be a mutual desire... .When I first refused, she tried to convince me... .this time I told her that my invitation has been impulsive and that I myself needed to re-think about that.

Sunday morning (today)- At 9ham, I received a text. She went "What about the coffee, still ready?" I told her that after deep reflection I would not go. I think she has'nt changed... .still a liar (she says shes in love with him but text me for 4 days / says weird thing about him / want to meet me) I told her that I wanted to take a coffe with someone true! someone with whom I can have a real and honnest discussion to close the book once for all. I will not loose my time with an ex who will play a game in front of me by embelishing her life... I'm an open book and that's what I want from her. Speech does'nt match with what she is doing. I wished her good luck and there will be no meeting.

I know that it was a mistake to break N/c to a such level... .I am very confused but the positive point is that I think she has'nt changed. Why is she behave that way? One side of her seems to be in love with him and having good intention... .but it does'nt match... .when in love you don't play like that... .on tuesday her answer let me breathless but all the rest is useless and reflect her mindset.

Comment... .?

[Beacher]

Proud of you.The ups and downs are so hard. I actually taped some of my soon to be exs rants over the phone and I play them back frequently to remind myself what I would be going back to if I bought into the lies and manipulation.So far it has worked every time I listen to them! I want my life back, no matter how hard it will be and my financial struggles I will face. Anything is better than this merry go round.