Find out the truth - is it necessary to heal or the truth is not even important

[blackbirdsong]

I have one important question for you, and I hope you can help me with this.

I ended my relationship with my BPD GF. I know that she is diagnosed BPD person. She is in therapy.

Let's say you have a way of finding out the info about her.

I am not talking about someone else saying this to you, but the real evidence.

This information can confirm or refute some facts that are bothering you:

a) Did she cheated on me while we were in relationship (sexually or even just heavy flerting)

b) How honest was she in several situations that are important to me

c)... .

So my question is:

Should I reach for these information so that I can move on, knowing the actual facts. Will this ease my healing process and getting over her?

Or these information shouldn't even be important for my healing process? Should I leave the facts as they are, and continue my healing process without giving them important factor?

Do you think that additional info can help me to be assured or should I just continue to listen my gut that she was unhealthy for me?

[Confused?]

There were a lot of things that I thought were strange while I was dating my ex. Such as she accused me of cheating often. I would also get friend requests from profiles that were girls and had no friends just a picture. There was also a miscarriage? Another time I picked her up at a friends house before I started work at 7am (never met the friend before). There are a lot of things that just didn't seem right to me. But I loved her. Do I know for sure that she made the profiles? That she cheated on me with other guys ( besides two that I know about)? Did she have a miscarriage? I stopped analyzing my whole relationship because:

1 I will never know the whole truth

2 if I did it would probably repulse me to the point of no return.

At this point I just take the good and the bad and learn from it. One thing I did learn was to always trust my gut. Those certain feelings I had when things were happening in my relationship were for a reason. Trust that feeling always.

[C.Stein]

1 I will never know the whole truth

2 if I did it would probably repulse me to the point of no return.

Yes.  I have the same feeling if I knew the whole truth, particularly at times when my gut was telling me something was not right, then I would be crushed, repulsed, sick ... .who knows what else.  It might help me move on but it would also serve to taint every good memory I have of her, and there are a lot of those.

[Mutt]

Should I reach for these information so that I can move on, knowing the actual facts. Will this ease my healing process and getting over her?

Or these information shouldn't even be important for my healing process? Should I leave the facts as they are, and continue my healing process without giving them important factor?

Do you think that additional info can help me to be assured or should I just continue to listen my gut that she was unhealthy for me?

I agree with Confused? to trust your gut. My ex wife came out with her boyfriend after we separated. I saw signs of an affair and when I asked her she denied it. I also know that she doesn't take well to advise or criticism and she will meet me with resistance. Does your ex partner project negative qualities?

What I found helped is that I think that I trusted my ex wife too much in our relationship. I saw enough signs that she cheated, I also suspect she was pregnant from her boyfriend while she was having an affair and had a miscarriage like Confused?'s ex.

After the break-up I listened to what my intuition was telling me and I learned to trust my gut. I was angry after my ex wife left and I asked her about her boyfriend and called her on the affair, she was resistant and projected, I know that it triggered a lot of feelings of shame, which was another tell.

[Confused?]

Should I reach for these information so that I can move on, knowing the actual facts. Will this ease my healing process and getting over her?

Or these information shouldn't even be important for my healing process? Should I leave the facts as they are, and continue my healing process without giving them important factor?

Do you think that additional info can help me to be assured or should I just continue to listen my gut that she was unhealthy for me?

I agree with Confused? to trust your gut. My ex wife came out with her boyfriend after when separated. I saw signs of an affair and when I asked her she denied it. I also know that she doesn't take well to advise or criticism and she will meet me with resistance. Does your ex partner project negative qualities?

What I found helped me was that I trusted my ex wife too much. I also saw enough signs that she cheated, I also suspect she was pregnant from her boyfriend while she was having an affair and had a miscarriage like Confused?'s ex and I trusted my intution. If I go to the source ( ex wife ) I also know that it triggers a lot of shame which is another tell.

The most important thing I have learned from my relationship was that I trusted her too much. Probably because I was on the defense at all times. Without trust you have no relationship. The thing I always used to say to my ex when she asked why I loved her was that she was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and I trusted her. It's actually kind of funny that i define love As trust and devotion and a special bond that you have with someone special. It seems like the underlying problem with BPD is that they never fully trust their partner. Or maybe that is just the projection?

[steve195915]

I have one important question for you, and I hope you can help me with this.

I ended my relationship with my BPD GF. I know that she is diagnosed BPD person. She is in therapy.

Let's say you have a way of finding out the info about her.

I am not talking about someone else saying this to you, but the real evidence.

This information can confirm or refute some facts that are bothering you:

a) Did she cheated on me while we were in relationship (sexually or even just heavy flerting)

b) How honest was she in several situations that are important to me

c)... .

So my question is:

Should I reach for these information so that I can move on, knowing the actual facts. Will this ease my healing process and getting over her?

Or these information shouldn't even be important for my healing process? Should I leave the facts as they are, and continue my healing process without giving them important factor?

Do you think that additional info can help me to be assured or should I just continue to listen my gut that she was unhealthy for me?

I think it is really dependent on the situation and each individual however for me I think it would definitely be a help in getting some sort of closure and would strengthen the resolve not to get sucked back in.  If I found out by BPDex was cheating all the time she was with me that would definitely add to the negative thoughts about her.  We broke up many times over our relationship over her temper and verbal abuse but I go sucked back in multiple times when she would cry and say she loves me, but if I knew she was cheating all that time there's no way I would've went back to her so many times like I did.  

You asked if you should just listen to your gut, so it sounds as though you have some doubts.  So tell me if you found out she cheated on you the whole time, do you feel that would help you stop having any doubts whether you want to be with this woman?   What would happen if you found out she didn't, would that knowledge make you want to go back and try again, or was there just too many other things wrong that it wouldn't make a difference?

[Mr Hollande]

I think accepting that you will never have the full picture, or the truth if you like, and that any attempt to obtain it will only lead to more pain and confusion is necessary for your recovery.

[fromheeltoheal]

The reason you're wondering now BBS is because you didn't trust her.  The best thing you can do is decide what you will and won't accept in a relationship, mutual trust and mutual respect are good starters for a healthy one, decide that her behavior was unacceptable to you if it was, commit to yourself that you will never, ever put up with that again, work on becoming an even more trustworthy and respectful person, hone your ability to spot those traits in others, and then take that out into the world and see what shows up.  It's a brand new day!

[Mutt]

The most important thing I have learned from my relationship was that I trusted her too much. Probably because I was on the defense at all times. Without trust you have no relationship. The thing I always used to say to my ex when she asked why I loved her was that she was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and I trusted her. It's actually kind of funny that i define love As trust and devotion and a special bond that you have with someone special. It seems like the underlying problem with BPD is that they never fully trust their partner. Or maybe that is just the projection?

The reason you're wondering now BBS is because you didn't trust her.

I don't want to generalize members on the board and say that we're all co-dependent but I found this information helped me because I trusted my ex too much and some people may not trust enough

www.whatiscodependency.com/rebuilding-trust-part-ii/

[Joem678]

You know, I became a private investigator too many times.  I mean from going through cell phone records, going to her job, analyzing every word she said, going through cell phone;  it is not worth it.  Sure, you get some answers but you won't get all of them. Then you will ask and won't be told the truth. 

This time around, I told sherlock holmes to stay away and it has helped me with the healing process.  I would say don't do it.  It's not worth it.  Trust your gut.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

I dont know.  Personaly i was a little slow on the cheating,   eventually i knew everything.  It was strange talking about it with her.  I like to think she knew i onew.  Or ahe wantwd me to know.  Doesnt help.  No, not really.  The question i find hard is how did i love this person so much, evem with the truth. Meaning how coud i have kept loving her.

[C.Stein]

Hypervigilance is not a good way to live.  It eats you alive from the inside.  I was somewhat hypervigilant in my relationship given some red flags and it left me in a constant state of anxiety.  Not good emotionally or physically.    I never became the detective but at times I was tempted.

[blackbirdsong]

You asked if you should just listen to your gut, so it sounds as though you have some doubts.  So tell me if you found out she cheated on you the whole time, do you feel that would help you stop having any doubts whether you want to be with this woman?   What would happen if you found out she didn't, would that knowledge make you want to go back and try again, or was there just too many other things wrong that it wouldn't make a difference?

I definitely have my internal fights. But I believe that 'leave and move on' is winning. I am aware that this relationship wasn't healthy for me. And that I need to work on my emotional stability.

I was just wondering would this type of closure, if I found out that she did some wrong things, make me feel better. I am aware that she has BPD, but still not sure how much did she fight with it, she is aware of the things that she did wrong in the past and in the previous relationships. I guess this makes me feel bad that I left someone who is trying. I am just not sure yet how much did she really tried. Something that is really bothering me lately.

Maybe the most important thing is that it shouldn't matter, obviously it didn't work either way but I still seek for this confirmation part to feel better for leaving her.

I think that I will definitely move on, but it would make me feel easier to overcome this if I knew that she crossed some lines. 

[GVincent]

All,

my uBPFexwife just moved out. As things were unravelling and I found out a little, then became a snoop and a PI and found out more, dating back 10 years out of a 15 year relationship, what I can tell you, I found only PAIN, PAIN and more PAIN!

Am I glad I know? Can't really answer this, but I'm certainly not happy to have spent 2 full days in my snooping, feeling worse and worse about MYSELF, and realizing how little it matters -she's still gone, I'm still committed to my new life, and I LET HER DO ALL OF THIS!

No boundaries NONE whatsoever in our relationship. No sex (with me at least, for YEARS) I mean, who lets themself accept this? I need to work on me, and it is so hard, but I know I will get there; I wish you Peace;

G

[kc sunshine]

I say don't find out, in the sense that it will put more focus on her. I'd do things for you instead, and even think "instead of worrying about her life and what she did," I am doing ________ (something fun or important to you!)

[hashtag_loyal]

It seems like the underlying problem with BPD is that they never fully trust their partner. Or maybe that is just the projection?

The accusations of cheating are often projection, but lack of trust? That is very, very real.

Put simply: pwBPD trust no one.

This makes perfect sense, if you think about it from their perspective:

1. BPD was caused by abandonment or perceived abandonment from the primary caregiver starting very early in the pwBPD childhood. If you can't trust your own mom to meet your very basic emotional needs, who can you trust?

2. PwBPD are very aware that they are different from others. They feel flawed and worthless. Unworthy of your love. That's why they wear the mask. They know that if you truly know who they are, that you will abandon them just like everyone else in their lives have. They are constantly on edge, watching you, looking for the slightest bit of evidence to confirm their self-fulfilling prophesies of perpetual abandonment.

[steve195915]

It seems like the underlying problem with BPD is that they never fully trust their partner. Or maybe that is just the projection?

The accusations of cheating are often projection, but lack of trust? That is very, very real.

Put simply: pwBPD trust no one.

This makes perfect sense, if you think about it from their perspective:

1. BPD was caused by abandonment or perceived abandonment from the primary caregiver starting very early in the pwBPD childhood. If you can't trust your own mom to meet your very basic emotional needs, who can you trust?

2. PwBPD are very aware that they are different from others. They feel flawed and worthless. Unworthy of your love. That's why they wear the mask. They know that if you truly know who they are, that you will abandon them just like everyone else in their lives have. They are constantly on edge, watching you, looking for the slightest bit of evidence to confirm their self-fulfilling prophesies of perpetual abandonment.

ere

I agree totally on 1. but not sure if they are completely aware that they are different from others in a bad way.  My BPDex would never admit that and if I even dare suggest she may have some mental illness she would freak out!  One time she asked why I would want someone like her but I think that was said to manipulate and not sincere.  She would never admit fault or that she was less than perfect, and any action she did that wasn't proper was always somebody elses fault.  Yes they are on edge and always watching but thats due to the lack of trust. 

[hopealways]

Definitely not. Digging you will always find something, it actually prevents you from moving forward. Trusting your gut is healthier and a better way to cope.