How to Validate serious health problems

[townhouse]

I am sorry this topic is very serious and understand if posters shy away from responding.

This years severe dysregulation by my partner wBPD which lead to DV has now taken a new turn. As a result of going to the doctors as part of the effort to change himself, one of the tests has come back with a high reading. It is for the prostate gland and the reading indicates something is wrong. It may not be cancer but it could be.

My partner originally at the specialists made an appointment for a biopsy in January but upon going to the doctors again has just told me he is not going ahead with the biopsy because there are side effect risks.

I don't know what to say... .rather I have probably said too much already as I tried to explain the benefits (as I see it) of having the biopsy and if it were to be cancer then getting the necessary treatment. Partner has turned against me now (we were getting along very well) saying it's his life and he'll do what he wants. He's accusing me of thinking it definitely is cancer and of not being with him in thinking that it is not.


He says he just wants to forget about it, but feels I can't and that perhaps I should leave the home "for a while" as I will continue to express my point of view. Some the things he is saying sound crazy to me like " it can't be cancer because I feel so well" how do you validate that? or not JADE.

I am at a loss to know what my own thoughts are, or how to convey anything. I am writing here because I don't want to mention anything to his or my family or friends particularly at this time of the year.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry to hear this, townhouse, especially after things were going so well.

I don't know how to validate this or if I were in your place, how not to insist that he seek treatment.

My friend's brother got a very high PSA reading. He hadn't taken care of health issues for years and then after CT scans, MRIs etc., he found out that he had cancer and that it had spread to his brain, lungs and bone. They gave him less than five years to live.

Then he started an experimental hormonal treatment and within a month, this cancer which had spread widely, was in complete remission. He will have to continue the hormones for the rest of his life, but he no longer has the threat of a greatly shortened lifespan.

I hope you can find this program where you live. The doctors were amazed at how well he responded. Good luck.   

[KateCat]

This treatment, maybe? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leuprorelin

I experienced the "before and after" of this when my father-in-law had advanced prostate cancer. To me it seemed miraculous. (Though I was just an awestruck layperson looking on and don't know if there were other factors involved in the fact that FIL lived on and on and on with this regimen.)

Maybe if your husband hears there are new treatments, he will be less reluctant to learn more . . . .

[townhouse]

Thanks for those responses.

I can't believe we got so bad so quick. From absolute togetherness going to appointment to now 5 hours later and he's back to silent treatment, locked in his room after a conversation where he says by trying to talk about it I am shaming him and that he wishes I would just leave the home.

I would love to talk about it but must not say anything.

[formflier]

  I think mindset here is important.  Very likely you are thinking "how could he be so stupid?"  He may be picking up on this.   If you can try to consider how scary this must be, that may be a good place to start.  Remember, this is relatively fresh for him.  He is coping the best way that he can.  (which is not well)   Longer term, you need to consider if you are going to be around someone that is sabotaging themselves.  I have respect for people that do all the testing, find out the bad news, and make a quality of life decision to live a full life until they die (without chemo).  That is making an informed decision.  Avoiding testing because of possible bad news is no good.  ( I know I'm preaching to the choir here).  Sigh, hang in there.      

FF

[townhouse]

Thanks for your response FF. once again I am amazed at yours ' and the other mods and posters here ability to cut through and see the problem.

Mindset indeed of " how could he be so stupid" but you are right in that he is probably picking that up from me and is digging his heels in against my reaction.

I am calmer today... .it is early days... he hasn't cancelled the biopsy appointment in January and he went off to his Drug and Alcohol Counselling session. He likes the fellow he is seeing there so perhaps he will talk about it with him.

He is talking to me again. We cleared the air with a joke. I saw in the paper that an asteroid is going to pass by earth on Christmas Day. ( I am going to the Zoo with two of my adult sons for Christmas Day. ).  Anyway partner said " maybe the asteroid will land on the zoo" to which I replied "You wish" ... .He laughed and the mood lifted.

[FartonmyHeart]

Townhouse,

I haven't really felt right offering much in the way of support yet on this board since I'm kind of a mess myself, but your situation spoke directly to my heart and to similar experience in my life. So I hope I may offer some support if, as I suspect you might, you still have a bit of an uphill battle with this situation.

You've got to be so frustrated by his attitude and reaction to this news! FF may have nailed part of the issue, but I'd caution you to be careful of internalizing too much of his motivations. I read through some of your history and you have really been through SO much whiplash, and so recently... .it must be a temptation to enmesh yourself by taking "the blame" for his actions, especially now that he has been moving in a positive direction; there is a natural (if somewhat subconscious and obviously unhealthy--but natural!) fear of losing our partners as they begin to change. I know I have been guilty of this more than once. Please be careful and don't take on more emotional weight than is your deserved lot!

Speaking as a woman who is host to a Chest Buddy (one adorable tumor, that is) herself, I've got a bit of insight to the acceptance process that may help you relate to your husband's experience a little further. Bear with me for a moment, I'm narrative when I try to make points, and loquacious when I'm narrative; I'd work on that but I gots bigger fish to fry obviously or I wouldn't be on this board now would I?  

Imaging or detecting the special kind of Chest Buddy I have via blood work is dicey stuff, and more intrusive tests are deemed more dangerous; so my tumor had to grow larger and invasive, my symptoms had to get radically life-threatening, & it took almost a year and a half to slam down a definitive "positive" on my diagnosis. Throughout the course of that year and a half, you'd think I fought like a demon for my diagnosis and treatment, having been told at the outset what my final diagnosis was going to be & that it was difficult to achieve due to its rarity and blah blah blah, right? Heeeeeeeeck no! I was in shock. Then I was terrified. But I didn't exactly... .understand that I was terrified, because my shock had grown into full blown denial. Instead of doing the rational, logical, practical, HEALTHY things I should have done, I instead decided to listen to the one random health worker who said "It's all in your head, sweetie, there's nothing wrong with you." Which, to my panicked personage, sounded not like "I'm a big patronizing jerk dismissing you as an attention-seeking young female" but instead as "YOU ARE IN CONTROL."

Reading your story, I suspect a lot of what your husband fears is a loss of control. Or, to cut to the bone--more loss of control. Now it's his very body that is out of control? And like, wow, what a symbolic area for a man to feel he may be losing control over. =/

Huge sympathy vibes going out to you, your family, and your husband as you gear up to face this together. I hope this is just a "false positive" scare, but if not, I wish the most swift and uncomplicated treatment possible for him! As others have posted below, there are new, successful options out there with interesting alternatives to the traditional and intimidating "cut and burn."

& definitely keep laughing, Townhouse! Next time, a little less at your own expense maybe... .<3

[Cat Familiar]

FartonmyHeart, Great post! Blessings to you, townhouse and townhouse's SO.

[townhouse]

Sorry been so long in replying especially to you Fartonmyheart. Your post really resonated with me, so much that I have been a teary wreck. But it is good that I am allowing myself these feelings so don't you feel bad. My heart goes out to you and your troubles and your terrific attitude to everything.

Many things are settling within me especially what I have been through lately. Don't want to sound like self pity is envolved but as we say here on the boards "be kind to yourself" and I'm trying to be.

While still not talking about the elephant in the room... .my partner and I have subtly become even closer.

Talk again soon