Questions to ask lawyer when interviewing

[Sluggo]

What questions would you recommend asking a lawyer.  I have moved out and need to take the next steps.  I have a couple of reccomended lawyers.  Now how should I pick. 

[Panda39]

Hi All4BVM,

I was part of a thread awhile back that was also about what types of questions to ask an attorney so I thought I'd pass it on... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280444.0

Hope you find some helpful information.

Panda39  

[Sluggo]

Hi All4BVM,

I was part of a thread awhile back that was also about what types of questions to ask an attorney so I thought I'd pass it on... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280444.0

Hope you find some helpful information.

Panda39  

Thank you Panda39!

[ForeverDad]

It's not impolite to ask, "If you were facing divorce from a high conflict spouse like mine, which lawyers would be at the top of your list?"  They know not every person walking in the door will become their client.

Get consultations with multiple lawyers before agreeing to a retainer.  You'll hear a variety of strategies, from passively filing forms and getting your hands held hoping for a typical outcome to one who is a problem solver and has a variety of strategies that are proactive rather than passive or reactive.

Our cases usually take longer than the usual divorce.  My lawyer originally estimated 7-9 months.  It turned out to be nearly 2 years.  Mine took a bit longer than most but 1 to 2 years is typical for us.

If he/she says mediation will work, often court's first step, then that's unrealistic.  In general, our spouses are usually too obstructive, uncooperative, entitled and controlling for a "least unfair" settlement to be reached.  Usually it's much later in the case when a settlement might work.  In my case it was mere minutes before my Trial was to begin.

Here's some of what I found using our Search function here:

Best use of time during initial consult w/ lawyer

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=282721.0

My lessons learned

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279406.0

How to actually leave ... .and have her leave the house~

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279258.0

Seeing my lawyer Thursday... .what to ask for?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=237896.0

lawyer consultation

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=224382.0

Lawyer specializing in BPD

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223109.0

[Sluggo]

It's not impolite to ask, "If you were facing divorce from a high conflict spouse like mine, which lawyers would be at the top of your list?"  They know not every person walking in the door will become their client.

Get consultations with multiple lawyers before agreeing to a retainer.  You'll hear a variety of strategies, from passively filing forms and getting your hands held hoping for a typical outcome to one who is a problem solver and has a variety of strategies that are proactive rather than passive or reactive.

Our cases usually take longer than the usual divorce.  My lawyer originally estimated 7-9 months.  It turned out to be nearly 2 years.  Mine took a bit longer than most but 1 to 2 years is typical for us.

If he/she says mediation will work, often court's first step, then that's unrealistic.  In general, our spouses are usually too obstructive, uncooperative, entitled and controlling for a "least unfair" settlement to be reached.  Usually it's much later in the case when a settlement might work.  In my case it was mere minutes before my Trial was to begin.

Here's some of what I found using our Search function here:

Best use of time during initial consult w/ lawyer

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=282721.0

My lessons learned

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279406.0

How to actually leave ... .and have her leave the house~

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279258.0

Seeing my lawyer Thursday... .what to ask for?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=237896.0

lawyer consultation

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=224382.0

Lawyer specializing in BPD

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223109.0

Great stuff Forever Dad. 

I have 2 lawyers (that were recommended) turn down the case on the within a day from the initial phone interview after taking my info saying they have a full schedule.  These two were recommended to me for being good.  Not sure what I am saying that is triggering the refusal accept maybe they are really full but then why would they waste the time taking all my info... .?

So I am down to another interview - in person - who was recommended.  I am sure it is different for different areas, but how much does the laywer run per hour.  Also for you case that went almost 2 years... .  how much was the total bill on that.  My wife doesn't work so does that mean I pay for hers too? 

[ForeverDad]

I am sure it is different for different areas, but how much does the lawyer run per hour.  Also for you case that went almost 2 years... .  how much was the total bill on that?

It varies by locations and experience and offices.  My lawyer was somewhere around $300/hr but he didn't bill for every email or call and had a very modest office.  One time he asked me, "We can't litigate every single wrong thing she does.  Let's just focus on the issues that will impact the divorce case or have the most long term impact on parenting.  Do you want a $5K divorce or a $30K divorce?"  (Hint:  The divorce was only 2 years but I needed the lawyer for 6 more years afterward, so eventually we did get closer to the high number.)

My wife doesn't work so does that mean I pay for hers too?

I think it's different case by case or state by state.  A reasonable statement is that she can pay her lawyer from her portion of marital assets.  Usually, though, the financials are near the end of the case, when debts, assets, savings, retirement, etc are split between the two parents.

For example, if you jointly own a house and it will be sold, then the house equity would be split or offset against other debts.  If one spouse keeps the house, then then the other spouse would get more from other assets such as vehicles, accounts, etc.

It's possible you might be ordered to pay for her lawyer, if so then try to get it in writing that it's just an 'advance' (or offset) of the money she would otherwise get at the end of the case.  Also, lawyers often sense there will be $$$ at the end of the case and so they may let the bills stack up in expectation of payment one the marital assets are split.

If you have no house equity and no assets, then there's nothing to promise for later.  Ask your lawyer how those poverty claims are addressed.

Don't promise to make payments for her that aren't required of you.  You probably won't get extra credit from court for being 'overly nice'.  It often seems to us here, both genders, that we as the more together spouses were stuck with greater obligations and expectations from the professionals.  One saying quoted here... .The one behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the one behaving well seldom gets credit.

One goal from the very start is to always maintain your position that your spouse will have to get a job.  Your lives are soon to part and she needs to start standing on her own two feet, financially.  Sure, you may have to provide some level of support for a few years.  If she's unskilled or needs to update her skills, court may ask that she get job training or career certifications.  Up to 2 years in an inexpensive college could be a reasonable arrangement.  Alimony these days is more and more viewed as just support for transition into single life, not automatic lifetime support.

If there are children then don't let her morph the discussions about Child Support into her sitting at home watching TV while the kids are at school.  Working parents, even single parents, often manage life just fine by using before-and-after school daycares or child sitters.  (I'm not saying she is lazy, she might be a hard worker for all I know.  But the point is that she shouldn't be able to claim she can't earn income just because there are children.)  For most people CS is designed to offset a portion of the additional expenses of caring for the kids, not to pay all expenses.

[mm1024]

When I interviewed my attorney, I wrote detailed notes on the behavior patterns of my BPDh. Luckily for me my attorney has represented many like me whom are in a high conflict divorce. In our meeting after I told him of our marriage, he responded to me- "your husband sounds Borderline". That was when I knew he was right in my representation. Ask how they feel about high conflict cases, and if they are open to trial, since that is where many of us will end up. I am awaiting our trial date now... .

Read the book Splitting if you havent, there is  an entire chapter on questions to ask as hiring an attorney. It helped me in preparing my attorney with evidence of patterned behaviors through email from my BPDh and texts.

Good luck and I hope you find a great attorney soon!

[Sluggo]

Thanks Forever Dad and MM,

I would be lying if I didn't say... .that it seems overwhelming.  I am a conflict avoider - which is why I am in the spot I am in- but it seems like a lot of fighting that is draining emotionally and financially.  It is hard to see the end of the tunnel.  Makes me pause and scared.  I can say that to you all as it would be embarrassing to tell anybody that face to face.   

I have moved out, got a 3 month lease on an apartment, got it fully outfitted with bed, etc - but I feel like I am shaking in my boots.  I know once that first letter goes out to my wife there will be hell to pay and no turning back. 

 

[ForeverDad]

You've been here a few years, why haven't you found out from lawyers before now where you stand?  We encourage members to get legal consultations before separation if possible.  If you've moved out and the children are left with her then it might be harder to present a case that her parenting is a core issue.

Have you figured out what goals you have for the divorce process?  Custody?  Parenting schedule?  Do you own the residence?  Since neither parent is likely to get everything sought, it would be smart to ask for more than you can survive with.  Actually your goal can be to seek custody (or at least Decision Making or Tie Breaker status) on major issues.  Don't paint yourself into a corner where all you ask for is to be a sometimes parent.  Your children need you in their lives!

[Sluggo]

You've been here a few years, why haven't you found out from lawyers before now where you stand?  We encourage members to get legal consultations before separation if possible.  If you've moved out and the children are left with her then it might be harder to present a case that her parenting is a core issue.

Have you figured out what goals you have for the divorce process?  Custody?  Parenting schedule?  Do you own the residence?  Since neither parent is likely to get everything sought, it would be smart to ask for more than you can survive with.  Actually your goal can be to seek custody (or at least Decision Making or Tie Breaker status) on major issues.  Don't paint yourself into a corner where all you ask for is to be a sometimes parent.  Your children need you in their lives!

Forever Dad,

No excuses and yes a Mistake - I left after it got very aggressive on a Friday morning in front of the kids 13 days ago.  I called the deacon who had counseled us before and he said he saw the abuse/control also when he met with us a year ago.  I called the lawyer I had met with a 2 years before and got an apartment that day.  I knew if I didn't get an apartment that day that I would go back and repeat cycle.  But the lawyer didn't call me back and I followed up Wednesday and she said that she was full.  Gave me a referrals which 1 said no and the 2nd one is tomorrow.   Been a whirlwind and not what I was expecting to do. 

Been going back to the house each morning to take to school or watch the youngest who is on a vent (until nurse or wife arrives).  Going for Dinner at house tonight with everyone including wife. 

Had many audio, photos, and some recent video conversations (mutually consented video) which we went over the videos with the therapist a few months ago.  During the last recycle (this summer) I erased most of the audio conversations thinking we were finally ok.  I believed (because we were working on my issues with the therapist and the therapist thought it was going great) and wife said I was fantastic - 'just like the guy she married'.  Then therapist started working with her after seeing the videos and it started to spiral down. 

Earlier Mistake  -  Kicking myself on erasing everything from computer.  I had given her access to my computer as I wanted to be transparent with her to 'show my love and win her trust' so erased those files and to get the past behind me.  and I really believed everything was OK.  And I didn't want her to find anything.  However, I just found a program called Recuva which has recovered some audio files and the pictures I took when I was bruised up. 

Goals: 

Have you figured out what goals you have for the divorce process?  To go for full custody.  Don't thinki I will get it with medical condition of 2 special needs children (that is what previous lawyer said)

Parenting schedule?  - Like full custody but probably go for -  Week on week off

Do you own the residence?  yes own it free and clear along with our medical van for children but owe on a newer car.  Maybe have kids stay at home and wife and I could each get an apartment or share apartment?  - thoughts?

Since neither parent is likely to get everything sought, it would be smart to ask for more than you can survive with.  Actually your goal can be to seek custody (or at least Decision Making or Tie Breaker status) on major issues.  - OK. thanks. 

[ForeverDad]

I know it would be hard with so many kids and special needs too but having 3 homes and each parent taking turns helicoptering in isn't practical long term, well, not unless the family is independently wealthy.  In nearly all cases what works is for each parent to have a separate residence and the children going to their respective homes.

Gaining legal custody has a chance in your case since your ex was diagnosed with BPD years ago and you've both been seeing therapists.  So there's significant documented history.  However, understand that many therapists try to avoid court if they can.  Try for custody in the temp order.  Courts are quick to make one parent the temporary custodial parent, well, especially when that parent is female.  Long term I don't know if you'll get full custody.  Maybe, maybe not.  (I got full custody but that took a few years increasing my standing in court from alternate weekend father to equal time father and then to custodial father.)  That's why I said you need a fall-back strategy if the judge is reluctant to award sole custody... .DM or TB is joint custody in name but effectively lets you proceed with major decisions with only minimal delays, obstruction or flak.

[Duck_Borders]

They're probably just full.  My lawyer constantly says to her staff that they're not taking any more "crazy" cases or high conflict cases right now because they have too many as it is. 

My personal search requirements were:

- who had experience with high conflict/personality disorder cases

- who did I like the most after 15 minutes of speaking with them

- who showed the most empathy towards my situation and seemed to believe me when I told them the coles notes of my crazy story

- previous experience (my lawyer worked for a high profile firm, usually representing women, then was a magistrate, then started her own firm representing fathers)


If you can't find a "good" lawyer with high conflict experience, I would look for a more junior lawyer that you have a good rapport with that has a mentor with lots of experience.  My lawyer has a few junior lawyers at her firm working for her and they all work together closely.

Good luck!

It's not impolite to ask, "If you were facing divorce from a high conflict spouse like mine, which lawyers would be at the top of your list?"  They know not every person walking in the door will become their client.

Get consultations with multiple lawyers before agreeing to a retainer.  You'll hear a variety of strategies, from passively filing forms and getting your hands held hoping for a typical outcome to one who is a problem solver and has a variety of strategies that are proactive rather than passive or reactive.

Our cases usually take longer than the usual divorce.  My lawyer originally estimated 7-9 months.  It turned out to be nearly 2 years.  Mine took a bit longer than most but 1 to 2 years is typical for us.

If he/she says mediation will work, often court's first step, then that's unrealistic.  In general, our spouses are usually too obstructive, uncooperative, entitled and controlling for a "least unfair" settlement to be reached.  Usually it's much later in the case when a settlement might work.  In my case it was mere minutes before my Trial was to begin.

Here's some of what I found using our Search function here:

Best use of time during initial consult w/ lawyer

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=282721.0

My lessons learned

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279406.0

How to actually leave ... .and have her leave the house~

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279258.0

Seeing my lawyer Thursday... .what to ask for?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=237896.0

lawyer consultation

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=224382.0

Lawyer specializing in BPD

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223109.0

Great stuff Forever Dad. 

I have 2 lawyers (that were recommended) turn down the case on the within a day from the initial phone interview after taking my info saying they have a full schedule.  These two were recommended to me for being good.  Not sure what I am saying that is triggering the refusal accept maybe they are really full but then why would they waste the time taking all my info... .?

So I am down to another interview - in person - who was recommended.  I am sure it is different for different areas, but how much does the laywer run per hour.  Also for you case that went almost 2 years... .  how much was the total bill on that.  My wife doesn't work so does that mean I pay for hers too?