NC/RWG thread part 6

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Trust me, you're lucky that she ghosted you and that you didn't have to ghost her.

I don't think it's possible to compare. Each presents its own real agonies. Silence can be the most awful kind of emotional abuse. Especially if you have FOO issues around it.

I didn't mean to compare the sufferings per se, but at one point I even felt in life danger. She seemed ready to anything. I had to go to the police.

[Driver]

Trust me, you're lucky that she ghosted you and that you didn't have to ghost her.

I don't think it's possible to compare. Each presents its own real agonies. Silence can be the most awful kind of emotional abuse. Especially if you have FOO issues around it.

I didn't mean to compare the sufferings per se, but at one point I even felt in life danger. She seemed ready to anything. I had to go to the police.

[steelwork]

I didn't mean to compare the sufferings per se, but at one point I even felt in life danger. She seemed ready to anything. I had to go to the police.

I really am very sorry to hear that. Sincerely!

(I still don't feel lucky I was treated like sh*t and retraumatized.      )

[Driver]

I didn't mean to compare the sufferings per se, but at one point I even felt in life danger. She seemed ready to anything. I had to go to the police.

Very sorry to hear that.

(I still don't feel lucky I was treated like sh*t and retraumatized.  )

NP  I had to endure that in order to be left alone now I guess, and even so time after time she still contacts me to apologize and to tell me I am the man of her life.

Have you seen "Fatal Attraction" with Michael Douglas? I wouldn't say it went to that extreme, but at some point I felt it could have.


I am sorry you were treated like sh*t. Welcome to the club bro. Go to my insult thread if it can make you feel better.

[steelwork]

Oops... .never mind! Cross-modified with you.

[lepus]

Yes, that's a possibility.

My decision has been to block her. Whatever she has to say will not be conducive to my healing. She painted me black. She is moving on. She ghosted me. Anyone who can just disappear from your life lacks empathy and isn't a good person.

She will have the same issues again. Clearly she hasn't gotten help.

I am. I am going to a therapist. I never want to feel this way again. I allowed her in my life. I have to find out why and solve the issue.

Trust me, you're lucky that she ghosted you and that you didn't have to ghost her.

I have read many people complaining about their exBPDgf/bf who all of sudden ceased all contact and never contacted them back. Of course, it's painful. Anyone would feel immense pain to go through such a situation.

Now, there are others, like me, who have been brought to our knees by our exBPDgf/bp by various threats such a suicide threats etc. And when I for example said to myself "enough of this sh*t, because i felt I was on a sinking boat with my exBPDgf pulling me down to sink with her, I had no other option but to break up. The only problem was I had no peace. She'd text me like jundreds of times per day, e-mail me just as many times and calling me as many times every single day.

My therapist told me that in such cases the best thing to do is to go NC which I did. It cost me extra insults, threats and so much hell. It was like a chewing gum that was glued and didn't want to get off. So, in other words I was the one who felt obliged to ghost her. It's been painful for me to do so, and I can't even imagine how painful it was for her, but what have I been supposed to do?

When it comes to toxic and chaotic relationships with a person who has BPD, what is better that she ghosts you or that you ghost her?

I'm sorry you had such an awful experience. I can't imagine the pain and frustration her actions have caused.

I guess if she were bothering me, I know what to do. I would have the cops call her and file a restraining order if necessary.

But being ghosted tears me apart. What did I do? What is wrong with me? How could I be so wonderful to her and then mean nothing?

Not knowing is torture for me. I need to learn to deal with uncertainty. I also have to be objective and know this relationship was not healthy. She is not healthy. I have some unhealthy behaviors I have to deal with.

I had that distance until I saw her OKCupid profile. I was feeling so much better and moving on. It was just such a slap in the face to be so replaceable. To be discarded. To know everything she said was a lie.

I'm also new to the area and she is the first person I dated. She has influential friends. I'm afraid of what is going to happen to me socially now. She's loved by friends since they only get so deep. In relationships, her BPD traits come out. She isn't full BPD. She just has traits.

[lepus]

Every situation is different, of course-- and I was projecting from my own experience to yours. It may not be the same at all.

I am going to a therapist. I never want to feel this way again. I allowed her in my life. I have to find out why and solve the issue.

Great! I've been doing this intensively for the last year. It's been up and down. I'm glad I've stuck with it, though, because I feel like I'm getting somewhere nowadays. I hope same will come to pass for you.

Thank you. I love my therapist. I think it will go well. She's very good. I can't believe I slipped yesterday. I found out about the profile in the early morning. I didn't slip until Midnight. Ugh.

[lepus]

Trust me, you're lucky that she ghosted you and that you didn't have to ghost her.

I don't think it's possible to compare. Each presents its own real agonies. Silence can be the most awful kind of emotional abuse. Especially if you have FOO issues around it.

I didn't mean to compare the sufferings per se, but at one point I even felt in life danger. She seemed ready to anything. I had to go to the police.

Oh no... .Yes, when you feel in danger then it is definitely better to be ghosted on... .I'm so sorry.

[lepus]

Trust me, you're lucky that she ghosted you and that you didn't have to ghost her.

I don't think it's possible to compare. Each presents its own real agonies. Silence can be the most awful kind of emotional abuse. Especially if you have FOO issues around it.

What are FOO issues?

And yes, silence is terrible but it also gives me a learning experience and a chance to grow. I know I'm physically safe. I don't know. It can be a toss up.

[Targeted]

Heard from mine this morning. I broke nc with the kindest most honest response possible.

She text bombed me how her counsellor told her to reach out to me to be friends, then came all the accusations of my perceived infidelities and how I used her for sex and never cared or loved her. Then the mention of my perceived addictions and negative attributes, followed up with her wanting a better Christian man and she will now be traveling and so on!  

I said to her- I hoped your contact would have been more of a apology for the way you treated me and always having me show up to fix things such as your car and you can go out with someone else the very next day! I see the projection and lies in your statements now, I'm not stupidly blinded by love anymore.  As far as your counsellor recommended  to contact me  to be friends  I find this to be a lie!  If you had painted me to be as abusive as you say to your counsellor  there is no way possible  A counsellor would recommend you reaching out to me! He would tell you to never contact me again. How can you ask for a honest relationship when your not honest with him, me, or yourself?  :)on't forget how long I've known you and I was at that counsellor with you at one time. Like I said, I hoped for a apology. Good luck dating and traveling.  If you would like to interact again someday have your counsellor call me.

[steelwork]

What are FOO issues?

And yes, silence is terrible but it also gives me a learning experience and a chance to grow. I know I'm physically safe. I don't know. It can be a toss up.

Sorry-- FOO = family of origin. I wrote about some of my FOO problems here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289743.0

Too long to read or recap. Short version is that I have my own abandonment issues, have significant lifelong depression, and supposedly c(omplex) ptsd. Not sure about that, but the fact that I was in a r/s with someone with even more emotional problems than me isn't a coincidence.

The thing to remember is that a history of childhood trauma makes you more vulnerable to ptsd-type reactions to future traumas. A lot of my childhood problems involved emotional and physical neglect.

The silence is indeed an opportunity. That's a good way of looking at it. At this point I don't think my ex could contribute anything to my healing. But if he hadn't frozen me out and needlessly blocked me, that certainly would have made the end of our r/s a lot less traumatic than it was.

[lepus]

What are FOO issues?

And yes, silence is terrible but it also gives me a learning experience and a chance to grow. I know I'm physically safe. I don't know. It can be a toss up.

Sorry-- FOO = family of origin. I wrote about some of my FOO problems here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289743.0

Too long to read or recap. Short version is that I have my own abandonment issues, have significant lifelong depression, and supposedly c(omplex) ptsd. Not sure about that, but the fact that I was in a r/s with someone with even more emotional problems than me isn't a coincidence.

The thing to remember is that a history of childhood trauma makes you more vulnerable to ptsd-type reactions to future traumas. A lot of my childhood problems involved emotional and physical neglect.

The silence is indeed an opportunity. That's a good way of looking at it. At this point I don't think my ex could contribute anything to my healing. But if he hadn't frozen me out and needlessly blocked me, that certainly would have made the end of our r/s a lot less traumatic than it was.

Yeah, I know I have abandonment issues and that is why this happened. I've had similar relationships in the past, but never one this bad.

So, it's time to nip it in the bud... .

But the silent treatment is the worst thing that can be done to someone like us. It does depend on your issues which is worse: the constant calling or the ghosting. I feel like the ghosting is worse. As I said, I know how to deal with threats of violence. Call the cops. I live in a locked apartment building where you need a fob to get in the door and one to get to my floor.

I dunno... .there's damage either way. But this has brought out all my abandonment issues. I'm surprised I am doing as well as I am. I haven't begged her to come back. I only texted once in weeks. I just want to know why everything was a lie. But I'll never get an answer. I want to know why I'm so unworthy. I know I'm not unworthy and the truth is I'm worthy of so much more. I don't really want her back. I just want to not be treated like crap. So blocking her doesn't allow her to say anything more to me. I owe her nothing at this point and owe everything to myself.

[MapleBob]

So, today is day 30 for me. A week from now will be the anniversary of the last time I saw her in person, on our last date. I still miss her a lot, and I'm still grieving and hoping that she will some day reach out to me again. I still feel certain that she will, but I also feel certain that she won't, and I don't know the factors that would need to be met on her end for that to happen. I've certainly given her plenty of opportunities to step up again over the last year, but she's continued to invest in sadness/anger/keeping-me-at-a-distance, so there's only so much I could have done in this situation. But, all in all, these 30 days haven't been all that rough.

I see NC as really being a dual process: 1.) learning not to touch the stove, and 2.) not so much learning not to miss the relationship or the person, but learning to get used to missing them, and habituating the grasp on reality that comes from that.

So, I still miss her, I still want her, I still hope to hear from her in some kind of healthy, positive way, but I won't do anything about it. "Release with grace."

[kc sunshine]

Congrats MapleBob, that is so great!

I love how you put this-- it feels very true to me:

not so much learning not to miss the relationship or the person, but learning to get used to missing them, and habituating the grasp on reality that comes from that.

[Driver]

I feel like the ghosting is worse. As I said, I know how to deal with threats of violence. Call the cops.  

Unless your expwBPD is suicidal and determined to harm and on top of that tells the police that s/he doesn't care  getting arrested.

[lepus]

I feel like the ghosting is worse. As I said, I know how to deal with threats of violence. Call the cops.  

Unless your expwBPD is suicidal and determined to harm and on top of that tells the police that s/he doesn't care  getting arrested.

Oh no. I am so incredibly sorry. I would hope they would institutionalize her with talk like that but mental health services are so poor... .

[kc sunshine]

Hi gang,

It is the first week I'm back in the same town with her-- the first weekend.  I totally broke down today. Texted her. Checked social media. Everything. The worst. I'm in trouble, dear gang. I hope I can bounce back up. 

[MapleBob]

Hi gang,

It is the first week I'm back in the same town with her-- the first weekend.  I totally broke down today. Texted her. Checked social media. Everything. The worst. I'm in trouble, dear gang. I hope I can bounce back up. 

I wouldn't sweat checking social media (I do that), but texting sounds like something you shouldn't be doing. Any response?

[lepus]

Hi gang,

It is the first week I'm back in the same town with her-- the first weekend.  I totally broke down today. Texted her. Checked social media. Everything. The worst. I'm in trouble, dear gang. I hope I can bounce back up. 

The same tricks they teach people with BPD can also help us.

If you want to text her then distract. Find a movie, a hobby, a sport, anything to keep from your thoughts about texting her. Color. Yes, color. Listen to music loudly. Go for a walk.

There is also opposite action. Do the opposite of what you want to do. Want to text her? Go hide your phone or give it to someone until the urge passes. Drain the battery and hide the charger. Go for a drive or walk and don't bring it with.

Then there is urge surfing. Explained here: www.mindfulness.org.au/urge-surfing-relapse-prevention/

I learned most of these things from a friend who is a Buddhist monk and used to be a psychologist. She's awesome. The DBT skills are helpful for anyone, not just Borderlines.

[Lexisdad]

Still remaining lc with my BPD ex gf. Last night proceeded tell me she was going to her girlfreinds house. I could care less. A coworker tells me this morning he went by her house at 3 am and her car wasnt there. This morning at 10 am she texts me saying i been quiet. I said didn't kno if you slept in. She says got up at 930. Blatant lie!  She says she s going out to brunch with a girlfreind today and i could also care less. She sends ne a few stupid one word answerable texts. Now at 930 she sends text " how come you have said nothing at all to me all day". I said didn't know if you were still out which she stated yes i just got home. Theres no doubt i've been replaced and i think she knows i'm onto her game. I refuse to tip my hat to her game and if you just spent all last night in some guys bed and today with him why is she worried about me. I'm not playing the game.

[Ab123]

Fell off the wagon.  No harm done.  But, there is no reason to think anything's changed and nothing good will come from continuing communication.  Tomorrow will be day 1 NC.

[jc1010]

today is the third week of no contact for me. Longest it usually used to go before she would text me or call me to check in and see how i was doing. Interesting to see how i can continue to heal after blocking her number and not allow for her to contact me. I miss her though, definitely miss her. thought i would come here and talk to the crew during this time of missing her

[steelwork]

In DNR news today: I had a sudden flash of BOREDOM at the thought of him.

[MapleBob]

In DNR news today: I had a sudden flash of BOREDOM at the thought of him.

Ha! I've had that. "Ugh, you again?" 

[Anez]

today is the third week of no contact for me. Longest it usually used to go before she would text me or call me to check in and see how i was doing. Interesting to see how i can continue to heal after blocking her number and not allow for her to contact me. I miss her though, definitely miss her. thought i would come here and talk to the crew during this time of missing her

I totally know how you feel, JC. Stay strong and keep posting here as you fight through it. Soon you're gonna be feeling great. You're doing really good things for yourself. Pat yourself on your back.

[Turkish]

This thread has reached its post limit and is now locked. The discussion continues here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=290131.0